tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75854172042734844132024-02-07T15:27:57.889-08:00My Greenest KingdomAdventures in Real World Parentingjonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-42452872658400742932022-07-02T05:51:00.000-07:002022-07-02T05:51:11.723-07:00Nobody Said It Was Easy<p>Fixin' a Drink in the Morning</p><p>A few months ago, I had a few people* ask me if I was still writing. I said that I hadn't been, but should resume as it was something I really enjoyed doing. They all agreed and indicated that they enjoyed reading my posts. So here we are, two months later, as most good intentions take time to come to fruition. Indeed I had started this post nearly three weeks ago before promptly abandoning it for things that seemed more pressing.</p><p>The fact that I haven't written much, if anything, over these past two years can certainly speak to an evolving state of my mental psyche when it comes to parenting, and my role as a parent as my kids have gotten older - something that is more apparent now that we are into the summer months. While we've weathered these past 2+ years arguably better than 99% of other families, this is certainly not to say that it hasn't been hard. And at times really hard.</p><p>For me, writing has always tended to be a cathartic experience that has undoubtedly helped me process my own parenting experience. During a time when that parenting experience was seemingly most intense, with schools closed and the world in lockdown, this medium was probably one of the more constructive ways to channel frustration and joy, but sadly fell by the wayside, as I neglected to make it a priority. As for many parents, these past 2+ years have certainly not been filled with my finest parenting moments. But they have certainly contained a great many experiences from which I can learn and progress as a parent. And if someone besides myself enjoys reading about my observations of those experiences, all the better. </p><p>So where to begin, or resume if you will. I'll try not to cram 2+ years of material into one piece, but if you are familiar with the blog, you know that I'm seldom at loss for excessive words. Much has certainly changed from my initial days as a stay at home parent. Our oldest finished fifth grade this past year and graduated from elementary school, and brought us into the world of pre-teendom we were hoping to avoid. Our youngest, who was the catalyst for my stay-at-home adventure, finished first grade and has embraced the role of an angst ridden seven year old boy, complete with an emo haircut and currently sporting a sleeve of temporary tattoos. And there is of course our not-to-be-forgotten spirited middle child, who finished third grade and we have realized is much easier to parent when she is not in the presence of her siblings.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLifVqc7pi6OvhvFsEiiP4IqDwPorvBdKJJbrCva1TYcBWn2G2VPyeYaMZIiDIS7e-UgTmNslClDZ7wXaMt6V4odOpeCcatKysJrmsgSI9RSt9shkOVpx6UZBPmce2-7o0ByaJMUpm2EstvXPuNExxairIAaxL8HL0Y6_4o9cXa0X9fQSQtgy7WJM/s2048/282764111_10101321976351525_5701780078376023348_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1152" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLifVqc7pi6OvhvFsEiiP4IqDwPorvBdKJJbrCva1TYcBWn2G2VPyeYaMZIiDIS7e-UgTmNslClDZ7wXaMt6V4odOpeCcatKysJrmsgSI9RSt9shkOVpx6UZBPmce2-7o0ByaJMUpm2EstvXPuNExxairIAaxL8HL0Y6_4o9cXa0X9fQSQtgy7WJM/s320/282764111_10101321976351525_5701780078376023348_n.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Insert obligatory pondering of how my kids got so old.</td></tr></tbody></table><p>Summer has always brought a unique set of opportunities for me as a stay-at-home parent. As they've gotten older, they've come to rely on my less, which makes me wonder what my own expectations of myself should be as a parent. Indeed as I write this, our oldest is making herself breakfast, a skill we've tried to impart on all of our kids over the past year, our middle is reading (something she and her older sister would do for hours on end), and our youngest is stacking pennies. Of course our kids will have a myriad of activities that they will need to be chauffeured to this summer, which at times makes me feel like an unpaid Uber driver. Admittedly as someone who tends to thrive on task completion, I at times enjoy my services being called upon.</p><p>I am also keen though on allowing my kids a healthy(?) amount of unstructured time. Literally unplugging all of the devices and leaving them to their own devices. My guilt instincts at times kick in, and I try to get them to do something academically stimulating, like a page or two of a Brainquest workbook or read in Spanish. But after mentioning my inconsistent attempts to avoid the summer slide with my kids to one of the teachers at their school, and getting a very discernable eye roll indicating that my efforts were probably over the top, it has become less of a priority. We typically try and fail regularly at instituting some amount of chores for them to do.</p><p>A few weeks into the summer we celebrated Father's Day, and like a number of of other dads, my entertainment was watching our girls <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2017/05/">dance </a>in their final dance competition of the season. My present could have easily been realizing the fact that after that day they would be finished dancing, even if just for a week. It was fun though to be able to watch them engage in an activity that they are passionate about and that challenges them. Our son started dance this past spring, so in the years to come they will all be able to get in on the fun.</p><p>While Father's Day is a time to celebrate father figures and shower them with well intentioned, if not odd gifts^, it can also be a chance for those of us who are father figures to reflect on our roles. For if you weren't in that role, whether biologically or otherwise, you'd really have no reason to celebrate Father's Day. </p><p>As a father, and parent in general, one of the greatest compliments I've received is when people (mainly adults) tell me that that they enjoy being around our kids, or that they appreciate the way we are raising our kids. Yes, typically this comes from close friends or family, but when it comes from people whose opinions I value, it tends to carry an extra amount of significance. It makes me think that we are getting this parenting thing "right", at least occasionally, and while realizing that the word "right" is incredibly subjective.</p><p>Now I certainly know how our kids can be. They can be vastly different at school or in other social settings (typically much better behaved and more enjoyable to be around) than they are at home (whiny, cranky, and at times incredibly disrespectful). In fact, over the past two years, as I've spent some time substitute teaching, some of my more enjoyable interactions with my own kids have been at school. I'd much rather have it be this way than the inverse, but it can be undeniably exhausting. No matter how much patience I have (and I have a lot of patience), I can only direct expletives at my kids in my head so many times before they actually come out in audible form. </p><p>So while I don't actively seek the approval of others in my parenting philosophy (or I wouldn't admit that I do), hearing those compliments can provide a certain level of validation. Particularly so because I like to think that I put a lot of intentionality into my approach to parenting. I've read an excessive amount of books, articles and blogs about how to make sense of this emotional rollercoaster of a world that is parenthood. The fact that I've spent time, albeit irregularly, writing about my parenting experience shows how I have a tendency to grapple with the bigger questions of parenting and raising offspring. I take this intentional approach to try and be a parent that I believe my kids deserve, as well as one that I can be proud of.</p><p>My wife has told me before that it isn't always easy to parent with me. I can't disagree with her statement, as I know I'm not always easy to even be around. I'm cynical and sarcastic, at times pretentious, and often unmoved by other's opinions of me. While single parenting, especially full time single parenting, is a Herculean effort, co-parenting can be fraught with its own levels of frustration and resentment. Spirited discussions and disagreements over parenting styles and passed judgements on parenting decisions are to be expected. Finding a balance between constructive and critical is fickle.</p><p>There is a certain amount of irony in my wife's observation though, as obviously I wouldn't be a father, nor one that contemplated how best to raise his children, if it wasn't for her and the subsequent children that she birthed. I take a great many cues from my wife when it comes to parenting, because she is, without doubt, one of the most amazing moms I know. As much as she might disagree, she pushes me to be a better parent. One that is more actively engaged with the child rearing responsibilities. Coincidentally this probably provides more opportunity to frustrate and annoy her. I have gotten better at recognizing certain scenarios where I do have to check-out of parenting, and have been told, both by my wife and kids that I am typically more fun when I do this.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizEyWNmC44_K5b_uk0Sicg4CDJ6eYFkyfK4Nkr_MaTjh7TKRTW7yFVMT3yKcN6iQNAhXOLJuetgdWKQh6uY_HtwIDNwf9dQZ1yyoC1pSr4PvLOLS0DwiIuWpHGCHHx-CQXwkw-tTQJRl9ik34Ywn7PxFYWrvuwPaMVrK0X13KQWwjg3-BOPIYKFDY/s1080/289292275_10101326564646545_7867790894286446970_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizEyWNmC44_K5b_uk0Sicg4CDJ6eYFkyfK4Nkr_MaTjh7TKRTW7yFVMT3yKcN6iQNAhXOLJuetgdWKQh6uY_HtwIDNwf9dQZ1yyoC1pSr4PvLOLS0DwiIuWpHGCHHx-CQXwkw-tTQJRl9ik34Ywn7PxFYWrvuwPaMVrK0X13KQWwjg3-BOPIYKFDY/w320-h320/289292275_10101326564646545_7867790894286446970_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was Father's Day, so of course I wasn't going to say no to ice cream.</td></tr></tbody></table><p>This past spring I was able to gain a small amount of redemption on a masochistic <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2019/05/running-down-dream.html">event</a> that I planned on doing three years ago. After getting snowed out of a 50 mile endurance run, I was able to complete the 34 mile version of it back in April. I've done a few different long distance endurance events; a couple of marathons as well as training for the 50 mile that didn't happen and my most recent irrational distance decision. To me, long distance running (or biking or hiking or anything else that takes a long time and requires a certain amount of physical and mental fortitude) and parenting draw a lot of similar parallels. But in particular they are about playing the long game. Putting in the work, and a lot of it, to hopefully realize some desirable outcome later on. Maybe after 18 hours of nonstop plodding along or after 18 years of parenting.</p><p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0hWJrtR19OUd_JoG-mi_2V3w43sztcBRtsTNKpZ2UBRNzUmybAHrexA17Ic_YR9AlFMy91qQ5uCMwMtUpjUnU0thJjin3qft4kxxtWFIOpkdt5PHcmvdZqSC3fsCVtYakFE1AtsL9N2Hnm5MveBUp5hxqkRG28ALOV_4xXu-bb3KqpXDJsvWGJn8/s1080/277576570_10101303463167095_2890180101619821150_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0hWJrtR19OUd_JoG-mi_2V3w43sztcBRtsTNKpZ2UBRNzUmybAHrexA17Ic_YR9AlFMy91qQ5uCMwMtUpjUnU0thJjin3qft4kxxtWFIOpkdt5PHcmvdZqSC3fsCVtYakFE1AtsL9N2Hnm5MveBUp5hxqkRG28ALOV_4xXu-bb3KqpXDJsvWGJn8/s320/277576570_10101303463167095_2890180101619821150_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your biggest fans are the ones who will encourage <br />you in your most irrational pursuits. </td></tr></tbody></table><br /></p><p>In utltrarunning, as in parenting, that desirable outcome can look different for everyone. One person will finish first, while the rest of us just hope to finish at all. Depending on the course and conditions, that experience can vary greatly. And despite your best efforts to train and prepare, injuries can beset you or unforeseen circumstances can hamper your progress. All this applies to parenting as well, as there are a great many things that are beyond our control when it comes to raising our kids. Despite your best efforts and best intentions, your kids can still be jerks at times - even <a href="https://www.deseret.com/u-s-world/2022/6/6/23156412/prince-louis-charming-or-brat-kate-middleton-prince-william-tantrum-queen-elizabeth-jubilee">royals</a> aren't immune.</p><p>As parents were often told not to try and compare our kids to other kids, or ourselves to other parents. It's sage advice, but a challenge given our comparative culture. But while races, and even endurance runs ultimately have a winner, author, and self-described masochist, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Have-Fun-Out-There-Not/dp/0578358573">Brendan Leonard</a> is quick to point out that the vast majority of people engaging in the irrational activity of endurance running aren't competing against each other, but rather against themselves. To push their limits and be a better person at the end of whatever goal they have set out to accomplish, even if they feel like complete shit afterward. </p><p>This is the approach I think we should take in parenting. To strive to be a better parent today than we were yesterday. And use what we learn today to hopefully be a better parent (and person) tomorrow. We won't always succeed in doing this, and at times it might seem as though we are running in circles, chasing our tails. But that doesn't negate the need to put in the effort. We might receive accolades and encouragement for our efforts along the way, like you often do from spectators and aid station workers in a marathon or other long distance running event. Ultimately though it's up to us to take ownership of the effort we put in to keep moving forward. We've got important things still left to do. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br /></p><p>*Yes, one was my Mom</p><p>^The oddest gift I overhead was a Shitake Mushroom growing kit.</p><p><br /></p>jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-70196891834786191922022-03-13T18:09:00.001-07:002022-03-13T18:09:40.383-07:00I've Been Having Dreams<h2 style="text-align: left;">Bounce With Me, Bounce With Me</h2><div>Parenting is an adventure in calculated risk taking. It's playing the long game - sacrificing in the short term for a life filled with memories in old age. Making decisions as a parent is often times centered around evaluating risk, as we have a tendency, particularly when our kids are young, to be the gatekeepers to how much danger our children are exposed to. We know we can't keep them in a bubble, but we can limit their exposure to certain risk - secondhand smoke, excessive sugar, chemical pollutants, etc. </div><div><br /></div><div>At the beginning of March 2020 we started dog watching. It was something suggested to us by some friends who have a dog, and observed how much they would periodically pay for someone to watch their dog. Our kids would love a dog, but my wife and I have zero interest in having a pet. Dog watching seemed like a nice compromise as the kids could get their animal fix on occasion and earn a little money that we could put into their college funds for taking care of the dogs. </div><div><br /></div><div>If you got a pet after having kids, you can undoubtedly guess what has transpired with this arrangement. My wife and I do most all of the "taking care" of these dogs - waking up earlier than normal to let the dogs out, taking the dogs for walks, cleaning up the dog poop (both inside and outside of the house), and dealing with the local police when a dog we are watching decides to bite a neighbor. The kids on the other hand reap the benefits. Mostly financial, but they also get someone to pet and cuddle with when they are having a moment. After watching about 30+ dogs over the past year, our kids no longer have a desire for a full time pet, so our strategy has worked in some sense.</div><div><br /></div><div>The financial benefit of watching dogs is the benefit that our kids have become most acutely aware of. Whenever my wife or I check our various financial accounts, which we do with regularity because we're such nerds, our middle child is mildly obsessed with checking their "Rover Account". I doubt it will cover their entire higher education experience, but if we continue to book at our current rate (which I hope we don't) it might get close. The claim could be staked that our kids are learning that hard work can pay off, both intrinsically and monetarily. However, it seems like they are more understanding the notion that if they shirk their duties, mom and dad will pick up the slack, and they'll still make out like bandits. </div><div><br /></div><div>Along with a wanting a pet (before dog watching) our kids have pined regularly for a trampoline. After much deliberation, we decided that they could use some of their dog watching money to purchase one. We hoped that showing them how much would be deducted from their ever-growing bank account to purchase the trampoline might ultimately deter them from wanting one. It did not. After a few days of diligent internet research, my wife narrowed the options down to a couple she felt most comfortable with, and allowed the kids to decided which one they wanted. Upon placing the order, that same middle child inquired daily if there were any updates on the product shipping and expected arrival dates.*</div><div><br /></div><div>I had a trampoline when I was younger, so I wasn't completely against the idea. My sister and I begged my mom relentlessly to get one, and offered no financial help toward the purchase in attempt to sweeten the deal. She relented eventually, with her one stipulation being that as soon as someone got hurt on it, it was going back. We had it less than a week before my cousin put his knee through his mouth, requiring stitches. Miraculously it stayed up in our backyard, where it served as an accomplice in a variety of other minor injuries. </div><div><br /></div><div>We survived our inaugural season with the trampoline, with no major injuries to speak of - I realize that by saying that we are destined for a major injury very soon. The trampoline has become a microcosm for well intentioned parenting. The rule that you can only jump when an adult is present is broken multiple times a day, with near zero effort toward enforcement. The rule of only one jumper at a time has been extended to a solid half dozen on certain occasions. Flips and acrobatic tricks are at times encouraged, applauded and critiqued with expectations of improvement. Considering how long it took to assemble, the threat of taking it down due to improper use is as thinly veiled as most all of my other threats.</div><div><br /></div><div>Jumping on a trampoline, like life, can be inherently dangerous, but also inherently fun and exhilarating, and if nothing else, exhausting. Most injuries sustained from jumping on a trampoline are often a result of colliding with another jumper. We can get hurt in life by others, often times colliding with differing opinions, attitudes or expectations. Before trampolines came with the ubiquitous nets surrounding the jumping space to prevent people from falling off, injuries were often sustained when jumpers were propelled from the trampoline and made audible contact with the ground. People can even get hurt when jumping by themselves, as recommended, if they are engaging in acrobatics that are strongly discouraged but look awesome. In life we can get hurt by taking on too much, even if we think we are capable of sticking the landing.</div><div><br /></div><div>For all its inherent danger, there are a number of things I appreciate about the trampoline, beyond the numerous life metaphors it allows me to ponder. I like that it keeps my kids active. After the first day of using it, our kids were absolutely exhausted. The trampoline entices them to be outside and physically active. In reality, I'd rather have them sustain a broken bone from a trampoline than their brains turning to mush by sitting inside all day staring at a screen. </div><div><br /></div><div>I also appreciate how it seems to help them with their coordination and learning about the physical capabilities of their bodies. Having spent a bit of time in various elementary classrooms this year, I am amazed at the number of times I have watched kids fall over for no apparent reason. Sometimes while they've been sitting. To some degree the trampoline helps to teach them about the limits of their own physical capabilities, something my 38 year old self doesn't always remember (especially when I use the trampoline).</div><div><br /></div><div>Unfortunately, we didn't make it through 2021 without a broken bone, but this one was not attributable to the trampoline. A few days before the end of the year, and one day before we were supposed to embark on a ski trip to Montana, our 7 year old took a tumble while skiing at our local hill and broke his collarbone. It was an injury we didn't realize at the time - we brought him in two days later after we noticed some swelling in his shoulder. It was also a reminder that injuries can happen in all sorts of places. Given his propensity to spend as much time as he can in the terrain park throwing himself repeatedly off of any jump he can find, this fall happened somewhat benignly on the bunny hill when he caught on edge. He even admitted he was probably going too fast.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was a sobering moment as a parent - recognizing that an activity that you exposed your children to, and one that they'd seemingly taken to without much challenge was the cause of a potentially preventable injury. But I also realize that my sister broke her arm as a young child just by jumping down the stairs (not being pushed by her younger brother, as she conveniently told my parents at the time). I also have felt fortunate that to have learned that if your child is going to break a bone, the collarbone seems pretty minor. Of course our Montana trip had to be postponed, for that and other reasons, and that ultimately lead to larger healthy related challenges that I'll expand on later.</div><div><br /></div><div>We all have a certainly level of risk actualization, and this is developed based on our given experiences with certain types and amounts of risk. Letting your kids engage in activities like jumping on a trampoline or downhill skiing might certainly increase their risks of breaking bones or other other maladies. You can institute certain risk minimization strategies - helmets wearing, rule abiding (when convenient for you), and other measures of supervision - but you can't guarantee that trouble won't find them eventually. If you are okay with excepting the potential consequences of those risks that you allow your kids to be exposed to, or even intentionally expose them to, then I think you are doing your job as a parent.</div><div><br /></div><div>And of course we all make mistakes, as parents, as employees, as people in general. Learning from those mistakes, to hopefully avoid repetition, is a sure fire sign of maturation in my view. And it's a lesson that I hope to impart as much as possible on my own kids, so that they can understand how to learn from their own mistakes, and avoid similar mishaps in the future. Admittedly, the amount of learning from their mistakes seems to have an inverse correlation to the number of times they behave in risky behavior and suffer significant consequences. Or, in plain-speak, they could jump on the trampoline every day and never break a bone. And then might make mistake after mistake and never learn their lesson. But just as that one inadvertent fall that precipitates and ER trip, that one lesson learned from thousands of mistakes can have profound significance. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>*She also did this with the "Pop It" that my wife agreed to order her last week (using money from our daughter's bank account).</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><p><br /></p>jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-63387571022782514662021-05-04T18:21:00.000-07:002021-05-04T18:21:11.730-07:00No, Not I, I Will Survive<h4 style="text-align: left;"><i>We're Doing Nothin' From Christmas</i></h4><i>I can say that we've officially wrapped up the holiday season in the Bruns household. This is typically a stretch of time that starts the weekend before Thanksgiving by celebrating our eldest's birthday (and my wife's when I remember) and closes after we finally get around to scheduling a birthday party for our middle daughter. Her birthday is on December 30th, which was over a month ago, but we're usually at least two-three weeks behind on the party scheduling. We finally got around to it a week and a half ago, which I've come to view as the closing of our "holiday" season. Obviously sprinkled into the mix are Thanksgiving itself and the Christmas and New Year festivities. Oh, and our youngest's birthday on Christmas - can't forget about that one....</i><div>
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The two month stretch of parties and presents can be a whirlwind and certainly stress filled. In effort to combat some of that (self induced) stress this year, we kind of de-committed ourselves from any Thanksgiving plans. It was nice to have a day when we didn't get out of our jammies, and the leftover bacon-cheeseburger pizza was a welcome change of pace from the traditional turkey dinner. But we also experienced a small bout of illness with one of our children, and some weather woes that turned one day of laziness into four. By the end, I was certainly ready to come out of hibernation, and have our other family members do the same.</i></div>
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In the lead up to the Christmas festivities, and the various travel plans we had scheduled, we braced ourselves for what curveballs would potentially be thrown our way. We had been healthy, but the flu had been wreaking havoc on our girls' school and dance studio, and we knew it would only be a matter of time. And, as if on cue, when we transitioned into the winter break, and geared up for three Christmases, our oldest caught it. The writing was clearly on the wall, as when I picked the girls up from school on their last day before break, our oldest inexplicably sat down in the middle of the school hallway and began sobbing uncontrollably. It was time for a break, but who knew what that would entail.</i></div>
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<div><i>It ultimately entailed her running a fever for a week - something we heard was commonplace by other kids getting this particular strain of the flu. So we spent our waning days of Advent, the season of waiting, in waiting. We waited for her to get better - which she did, until she got worse, and then better again, and then a little worse. We waited for our other kids to get it - which our middle daughter eventually did, but not as bad and not as long. My wife and I waited for us to get it - thankfully neither of us did, thought we constantly felt like we were just on the verge. </i></div>
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We derived up scenarios in relation to our various holiday gatherings; if she is fever free by Saturday morning, we can go to a Christmas that afternoon, if she is fever free by Tuesday morning we can head out for that family Christmas later that day. Neither of which happened. In all we made it to one of the three family Christmas gatherings we were planning to attend, which, had we been playing baseball, would have been hall of fame stats. Our plan to take advantage of a few unexpected days off my wife received around Christmas were dashed, and we settled for a makeshift Christmas celebration and excessive amounts of TV. The week felt like equal parts stay-cation and house arrest.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">At First I Was Afraid, I Was Petrified</h3><div>I wrote the above four paragraphs at some point in January of 2020. I completely forgot that I started a post, that obviously didn't get finished. I figured I should try to write at least one in 2020, but of course that didn't happen either. Given that I just realized that I actually did write something in 2020, I figured I should at least incorporate that into this one - if this one actually ever gets finished.</div><div><br /></div><div>In re-reading those four paragraphs, it's interesting/comical/depressing the similarities between the 2019 Holiday Season and the 2020 Holiday Season, albeit for different, but also kind of similar reasons. Thankfully, we were not battling flu-like symptoms this Holiday Season, but given the prevalence of the - insert scientific or derogatory name to your liking - flu, we kept a low profile as it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. In effort not to play favorites or set precedents we could have a hard time rationalizing, we opted for the continuity of cancelling our Holiday plans across the board`. </div><div><br /></div><div>The first four paragraphs that date back to the pre-pandemic era clearly show that this wasn't the first time we'd had to make adjustments to our Holiday plans. We've had other <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2014/12/when-to-expect-unexpected.html">documented</a> instances that have required calling audibles on what we thought would fun Holiday festivities. It most certainly won't be the last. With a widened breadth of parental experiences, more and more plausible scenarios have entered my purview of reasons you might need to make adjustments to your plans. I've <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/03/oh-places-youll-go.html">commented</a> before that as a parent you will find yourself in situations you never thought plausible before you became a parent. Needing to cancel Christmas for a global pandemic was likely not on many people's radar, prior to 2020 of course. Dr. Michael Osterholm probably being the exception.</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">It's Fine, We're Fine</h4><div>That's my stock answer when people ask me how things are going these days. I think that has become a go-to response for many. In reality, and I've voiced this aloud before, we are undoubtedly faring better than most. Having been a stay-at-home parent for 5+ years when schools abruptly shut down last March, it didn't create the storm of chaos that it did for many two working parent families, or single parents who were also trying to work will "home school" their kids. My wife kept her job, unlike millions who lost them, and transitioned to a mostly work from home arrangement, which created its own positive and negatives. It added a certain amount of tension as we navigated the intimacy of everyone being home together all of the time (and unable to escape to warmer climates). Ultimately though, our day to day stressors, like a need to upgrade the bandwith on our WiFi, were #uppermiddleclassfirstworldproblems.</div><div><br /></div><div>At first the newness of the situation created opportunities. We appreciated that the kids didn't have to get up before the sun to catch the bus for school. I enjoyed the fact that most of my afternoons didn't become an uBer-ing of children to and from various activities. We had virtual game nights and happy hours, did online drawing sessions with Mo Willems, and like many others, watched a lot of movies (the kids) and consumed a lot of alcohol (the adults). We tried to keep our kids as engaged in school work as we felt reasonable, and when it became apparent that they would not be returning to school in the spring, I chalked it up to being an extra summer for them.</div><div><br /></div><div>The transition to summer, and out of "trying to pretend to be home schooling" meant that we had nothing on our hands but time as all of our kid's summer activities were cancelled. While enjoyable at first, the lack of structure had its drawbacks, and when our girls restarted dance class in July, I was ready to have some anchors in our day of things we were actually supposed to get to. We were fortunate to be able to make a few in state adventures and temporarily leave behind the all-consuming-ness of the pandemic The summer itself though felt like both the longest and shortest summer ever, having seemingly started in mid-March, but being devoid of most all the typical summer rituals.</div><div><br /></div><div>Fall brought on a notion of taking things week by week, which was a juxtaposition to the summer when everyday seemed the same and no day seemed the same. "Blursday" I believe it was coined. We were excited and nervous for our kids to return to school, even if only part-time. We never felt a strong desire that our kids either needed to be at school or at home, and my wife, the medical professional, would acknowledge that her personal opinion on what she thought was okay or not okay would vary at times by the minute. Thank you social media. </div><div><br /></div><div>When school actually started, we found ourselves anxiously awaiting the Thursday announcement of the seven day rolling case averages for the four counties our school district was in to learn if our kids would get another week at school or if we'd (I'd) be back to full time "home schooling support". I briefly came out of retirement and did a little bit of substitute teaching, as was my initial plan before the pandemic. At times it was a nice change to be yelled at and ignored by children who were not my own.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then, as expected (by the public health experts at least), the virus ramped up and everybody came back home and went back into quarantine mode. Our kids' school actually had to go to a distance learning model two weeks prior to the rest of their district moving online due to a lack of teachers. This meant our kids were home for two weeks, back at school for four days, before returning home until after the Winter/Holiday break. We figured that would get extended at least a few weeks, which it ultimately did. Since then though their planned return to in-person learning has actually been expediated with a decrease in cases in the state and optimism surrounding the vaccine rollout - even as deaths nationally hit an all time high.</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">As Long As I Know How To Love</h4><div>While there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel, we're obviously still in the tunnel, or the woods, or as ultra-runners like to call it, the pain cave. I'll admit, it seems like the attitude around things getting back to some version of normal, while still a ways off, has started to creep into me more and more. My birthday last year fell on the first weekend after things went into full shutdown mode here in Minnesota. I've used that as a marker for my perceived COVID year, and I will be interested to see where things are at come the middle of March. I've suggested that everyone should have to experience at least one birthday under COVID, while recognizing that some people won't make it to their next birthday because of COVID.</div><div><br /></div><div>Obviously we're all itching to get back to normal^, whatever that might look like. In a way, I feel like my last 10 months under COVID have been a microcosm of my last six years as a stay at home parent. There have been ups and downs, excitement and mundanity; and lots and lots of quality family time - both good quality and poor quality. When I wrote a <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2019/11/were-all-in-this-together.html">piece </a>a (long) while ago about nearing the end of my tenure as a stay at home parent, I quipped about having earned a PhD in parenting, if such a thing existed. Parenting during COVID feels a bit like my dissertation. If we all make it out alive, I'll consider that a passing grade.</div><div><br /></div><div>As challenging as this year has been, there have obviously been some positive things that I hope we take forward into a post-COVID world, if and when we every get there. For all of the negativity that has blown up your social media feed over the past ten months, I'm sure there have been just as much positive clickbait as well. Hopefully you were able to find at least some small amount of joy in 2020 - even if just in the little things. The notion of hindsight being the same as the calendar year number of what has likely been one of the most memorable years for most of us seems a little too ironic. Yeah, I really do think.</div><div><br /></div><div>When things started to shutdown in the spring, and that shutdown dragged on into summer, and then came back this winter, a common sentiment I heard was people indicating that they weren't going to survive. Not knowing their own personal circumstances, I assumed this meant that if things continued on in a similar fashion for the foreseeable future they were ultimately going to lose it. I realize that's very vague, but I think you get the picture I'm trying to paint (pick your protest turned riot from the last nine months maybe?) . What I couldn't help but consider, was the want to survive versus the will to survive. And I realize that if you are faced with circumstances completely beyond your control, like a terminal disease or a lack of basic life necessities, you can't just will yourself to survive. But for many of these observations, that didn't seem to be the case they were trying to make*.</div><div><br /></div><div>In a way, it seemed to me like we didn't want to survive. That if the COVID world was what life was going to look like for, well maybe forever, we didn't want any part of it. Can't drink at a bar, see a movie in a theater, visit my grandparent in a nursing home? Not a world I want to live in. I'd agree to a certain extent, but I think it is also worth recognizing that we historically haven't always been able to do those things. Prohibition existed for almost four years in the 1920s, which ironically coincided with the opening of the first air-conditioned movie theater. And while nursing homes have existed for centuries, many grandparents of previous generations never made it to an age where they would be in a nursing home. Normal is always relative to what we know, and nearly all of us haven't known life in the midst of a pandemic.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's also important to point out as a collective, we don't have the infrastructure that lends itself well to survival during these unprecedented times. People have experienced the challenges that came along with a pandemic in the past - job loss, death and disease, social isolation, etc. We just haven't had many, if any, times when we've experienced them en masse and at the same time. And even while we've been experience the pandemic at the same time, we've certainly experienced it in varying levels of severity. Take whatever metaphor you want to use, but if we're all in the same boat weathering the same storm in the same ocean, we all have different class tickets with different accommodations. And in particular in the US, with the significant health, wealth, and educational disparities, as Mark Blyth has <a href="https://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/americas/2020-03-30/us-economy-uniquely-vulnerable-coronavirus">suggested</a>, we have few good options for dealing with that storm. </div><div><br /></div><div>Parenting in general, and particularly during a pandemic, is all about dealing with the storm. It requires adaptation, and lots of it. You can't control your offspring, particularly the ones you still claim as dependents. You can only coach them, hope they will make rational decisions, and prepare yourself to deal with the aftermath of the decisions they ultimately make. And when you find yourself in those situations you never could have imagined before having children, or before experiencing a global pandemic, you are forced to react and address those challenges head on. You do this because you love your kids, and ultimately you have no other choice. They're relying on you even though you might feel utterly clueless and helpless. Given the number of people with fully developed pre-frontal cortexes who continue to make suspect decisions, we can't expect those whose brains are still developing to fare too well on their own.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I transitioned to be a stay at home parent over six years ago, it was in hope of getting to a better place. That place was going to be different, and some aspects of it weren't necessarily going to "better" - like our financial place. And that didn't mean that we were (or I was) in a bad place when I made that transition. We just thought we could make some adjustments to our lives that might provide more of what we were looking for - more time together as a family and more flexibility; less stress in our daily lives and the opportunity to take a more direct approach in our kid's upbringing; and for my wife someone to make her lunch before she left for work each day. We made adjustments and adapted to our new arrangement. It wasn't always smooth sailing, but six years later we've developed a new normal. And we're done with diapers.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now, I realize that my decision to become a stay at home parent was a voluntary one, and a lot of parents have been forced to become stay at home parents over the past year, whether they wanted to or not. But you may recall that our transition into parenthood wasn't something we put much forethought into. Luckily we were in a place where adding offspring to our life required adjustments that we were both ready and prepared to make. I've commented before that my perceived marker of when someone is ready for children is if they feel like they could be a stay at home parent, should the circumstances warrant it. Again, I didn't have a pandemic in mind at the time. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>As we look to get back to normal, or to a "new normal", my hope is that we can actually get to a "better normal". A "better normal" where we can take the appreciation for all of the things we've been missing this last year - time spent with family and friends, small businesses that add so much to our community, actual human contact - and better incorporate them into our daily consciousness. A "better normal" where we can prioritize the care of those who need it most, while looking out for our most vulnerable, and recognize who really is "essential" in this society that we've created. It will be tall order, as it will call us to reflect on all the ways we've chosen to overlook those things that seemingly matter most when we've not been concerned about losing them. But it will also remind us of what we are capable of. </div><div><br /></div><div>2020 put us through the ringer, and sadly, not everyone made it out. And many more will ultimately succumb to the linger effects of what it brought in 2021. But for those of us who made it and continue to make it, we have the opportunity to take the things we learned, the challenges we faced and get to that better place. That better normal. We've got life to live and love to give.</div><div> <br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>`The exception to this being Easter. I started working on this post back in January, and finally got around to finishing it in typical fashion. </div><div><br /></div><div>^This is purely anecdotal, but I seemed to notice that people who were most adamant about things getting back to "normal" also seemed to be those least likely to do the things that most experts agree will get us back to normal - wear a mask, social distance, avoid large gatherings, etc. After spending a few months teaching elementary school kids, I also got the sense that these people, particularly those who openly defy regulations put in place to slow the spread/flatten the curve/limit the death, are probably the ones who had a hard time following directions when they were in school. </div><div><br /></div><div>*In our great state of Minnesota, a collective of individuals and business owners came up with a way of directing frustration at our Governor after he issued shut down orders that affected many businesses. It took an oft-quoted line from the movie "The Sandlot" by Hamilton "Ham" Porter, and changed the line to "You're killing us Walz" - the last name of the Governor. While certainly witty, it seemed a little off base, considering that people were actually dying of a pandemic the Governor was trying to address by ordering the closure of those businesses. </div><div> </div><div> </div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-91424744389789796612019-12-11T21:19:00.002-08:002019-12-11T21:35:23.740-08:00Let's Hear It For the Girls<h3>
Dude Looks Like a Lady</h3>
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We're closing in on the end of the year, the time when we typically reflect on the past twelve months and the year that was, taking stock of the highlights and the low-lights. Personally, it's the time of year when I get consumed by assembling our yearly slideshow, a compilation of photos taken throughout the year set to some of my favorite tunes released this year. The end result is usually a 10 minute video that our family will watch once, maybe twice. This provides enough justification for me to spend too many late nights on it.<br />
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2019 was certainly a year for the books, and given the magnitude of what has transpired even over these last few months, and the general busyness of this time of year, one could be forgiven if they forgot that less than six months ago, the US Women's National Soccer Team won their second consecutive and fourth overall World Cup. And win might be a meager term. They broke multiple records during their World Cup title run, including; most goals scored both in one match (13) and throughout the duration of the tournament (26), fewest goals allowed (3), most players to score in one game (7), and most goals scored by one player in a game (5). They posted four shutouts and never trailed in any of their seven World Cup matches. Yes, it was more of a domination.<br />
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The success of the Women's National Team was celebrated across the nation, and the globe, and having two girls involved in a youth summer soccer league, we even got caught up in the excitement. We didn't watch every match, but we certainly followed it more closely than we do other women's sports - or men's for that matter. Naturally though, there were plenty of critics of the team, with some negative commentary coming from surprising places, but not necessarily surprising people. But as T. Swift says, "the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate."<br />
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One thing that I seemed to notice, and other, more considerably talented purveyors of <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/06/sports/soccer/uswnt-world-cup-final.html">opinions </a>have commented on, was that the Women's National Team was primarily being criticized for acting like men. They won. Indeed they "laid a smackdown" on their opponents, and they were unapologetic in their dominance. They scored at will (in a field of play where every goal counts), and they celebrated each and every one of those goals as though it was the most monumental event since the last goal. And this was, to some (mostly men), <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/walsh-us-womens-soccer-team-very-hard-video-shows-matt-walsh">off putting</a>, <a href="https://www.nationalreview.com/2019/07/womens-soccer-team-megan-rapinoe-disgrace/">unprofessional</a>, <a href="https://www.goal.com/en-us/news/disgraceful-classless-thats-exactly-what-the-reaction-to/1k24v7d9vkawf1sgdbrucrmmk5">classless</a>, even <a href="https://thefederalist.com/2019/06/25/no-girl-power-doesnt-excuse-u-s-womens-soccers-rude-celebrations/">rude</a>. Despite one of the players being critiqued <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2019/07/06/alex-morgan-defends-her-goal-celebration-game-thrones-star-has-her-back/">pointing out</a> that sort of behavior is commonplace in men's games. And in light of the fact that three months prior to the World Cup, the US Women's National Team filed a lawsuit against the governing body of the sport for gender discrimination.<br />
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Now, I know this will come across like my semi-regular exercise of "male bashing", but as the father of two young girls, and a son who I expect to show utmost respect to women, it's hard not to want to examine this quandary we tend to put women in, and ultimately girls who will grow up to be those women. We deprive them of opportunities to succeed in ways comparable to boys, especially in sports and other areas deemed important to the masses - business, politics, etc. And when we do give them rare opportunities to prove their mettle, we take offense when they act like men, despite that being the only precedent we've given them to measure success.<br />
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A few months after the Women's National team domination in the World Cup, author Ruth Whippman wrote an <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/10/opinion/sunday/feminism-lean-in.html">Op-Ed</a> in the New York Times that suggested we encourage men to "lean out" instead of always encouraging women and girls to "lean in". The notion predicates that men set the standard for behavior and what is worth attaining, without questioning if that is even beneficial for all of us as a society. Whippman argues that the over-assertiveness of men can be directly linked to some of our more pressing social issues, and points out the oft-cited research that men tend to be overestimate their own capabilities. Or as Whippman succinctly puts it, "women generally aren't failing to speak up; the problem is that men are refusing to pipe down."<br />
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Having read Whippmann's book <i>America the Anxious</i>, I've had the opportunity to appreciate her salient observations on parenting, and believe her argument has some merit. Our encouragement of women and girls to be more like the men who have achieved success in business, sports and political life, and often in large part because they've "won the gender lottery"*, does a genuine disservice to both men and women, as well as those who do not identify with either gender or with multiple genders. This is especially true when women find success and we criticize them for acting "unladylike".<br />
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I've often wondered what it would look like if women ran the world. I've commented before that I am no stranger to being in the gender minority. Most of my adolescence consisted of being raised by a mom and older sister. All of my professional bosses have been women, and on more than one occasion I have been the sole male in my immediate work setting - including a five year stint at an all women's college. It is a humbling experience, and one I think most guys would benefit from at least temporarily. I'm not advocating that every working man seek out a female boss, just as I don't suggest that every dad (or mom) be a stay at home parent. But having had these experiences I am acutely aware of what women are capable of. Indeed men with accomplished women in our lives in some form, which essentially means all of us, know how invaluable those women are to not only ourselves, but society at large. Is there really any <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/theres-psychological-reason-why-amazon-gave-alexa-a-female-voice-2018-9">coincidence </a>that both Siri and Alexa are voiced by females?<br />
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So why do we continue to expect women to try and achieve success through the male lens? Why does the male standard set the standard? Why do we have the WNBA and the NBA, and not the MNBA^? Why do female employees need to use <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/travel/airline-news/2019/12/11/frontier-airlines-sued-allegedly-discriminating-against-new-moms/4396474002/">legal recourse</a> to make accommodations for situations that often get overlooked by male executives? Wouldn't we benefit from having more male elementary school teachers to serve as educational role models for young boys? <br />
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I realize these are all relatively rhetorical questions, but as I write this, while keeping an eye on one of our daughters at dance class, I can't help but ponder one more: What if, instead of spending most of our Sundays in the fall watching professional football, we watched professional ballet? Yes, that seems like an absurd notion, but is it not equally absurd that our four year old son, who loves to dance at home (and actually has some pretty good moves), has already been socialized to think that dance is something that only girls do. In attempt to encourage more boys to take classes, the studio our girls dance at actually offers half price classes for boys. I mean, we could also watch professional women's soccer, as that seemed to draw a <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2019/07/10/us-viewership-of-the-womens-world-cup-final-was-higher-than-the-mens.html">following </a>this summer.<br />
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During one of the World Cup matches we happened to catch, I openly wondered how other countries found adequate female athletes to field squads. We are likely well aware of the soccer craze in essentially every other country besides the US, but that typically is seen solely in terms of men's leagues. We're also likely aware of the rising popularity of soccer as a youth sport in the US, especially among girls. Most of our support of girls and women in sport exists at the participatory setting of youth sports, and then to a smaller degree at the collegiate and professional level. But while the US has seemed to set the standard for women's athletic success, we have yet to have a female head of state, like a number of other <a href="https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2016/06/politics/women-world-leaders/">countries </a>competing in the Women's World cup, and women are still severely underrepresented in congress and at the executive level of Fortune 500 companies.<br />
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Having a female president or more female CEOS is certainly not a panacea for gender parity. I would posit though that the 2016 Election was as much about Hillary Clinton's un-electability as a candidate as it was about the unrealistic expectations we place on women in the US - but that's another story. Even the managing editor of Forbes had to <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/randalllane/2019/09/08/opportunity-missed-reflecting-on-the-lack-of-women-on-our-most-innovative-leaders-list/#770b9cab1c6b">admit</a> that women "didn't stand much of a chance" when they released their 100 Most Innovative Leaders List earlier this year. Given those contexts, it's not hard (for me at least) to understand why the Women's National Team felt the need to celebrate with such exuberance and grandiose. Indeed the "antics" of the Women's National team might have seemed more noticeable considering they are only given the opportunity to showcase their talent at that level every four years. <br />
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Do I think their actions and behavior were a little over the top? Yeah, to a certain degree. But I also believe the lack of support that we've given capable women, the way we've stacked the deck against them by making them play the man's game, and then criticized them when they've found a way to win anyway is equally, if not more, over the top. So let them celebrate. I also know that I'd much rather have my girls, and my son, look to the US Women's National team as role models, as opposed to those who criticized the way in which the team celebrated the success they've continual been told they don't deserve.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIijSeWlznBf3GWILpeZiF0cf0uv3ciTlpj1oU0eyTaUIYpXFGwLlRIOR-N7oKD15OvrPopJDPS1dxxrGsMvFNlLp_Wp_BLsnBFvEaluA4x5iGboiwdPrfjMGevjdb4IZJgh1v-DcFgnA/s1600/soccer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIijSeWlznBf3GWILpeZiF0cf0uv3ciTlpj1oU0eyTaUIYpXFGwLlRIOR-N7oKD15OvrPopJDPS1dxxrGsMvFNlLp_Wp_BLsnBFvEaluA4x5iGboiwdPrfjMGevjdb4IZJgh1v-DcFgnA/s320/soccer.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If any of them (yes, any of them) want to dye their hair pink, I'm cool with that.<br />
Just as long as they take it easy on the F-Bombs (for now at least).</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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^The MNBA actually stands for the Mongolian Basketball Association, so there would probably be some licensing things to work out.<br />
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*Direct Quote from Dr. Tago Mharapara; used before and will undoubtedly use againjonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-31687750582436542792019-11-22T07:58:00.000-08:002019-11-22T07:58:03.542-08:00We're All In This Together<h3>
And We All Have No F#&%in' Clue What We're Doing</h3>
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I recently passed the five year anniversary of my "retirement". The anniversary seems like a good time to get nostalgic about the past five years, especially considering that I am likely ending my tenure within the next year as the Associate Vice President for Child Development at the Bruns Family Foundation. I also realized that I had only written four posts so far this year, which equated to one per quarter. If I wanted to continue to refer myself as a "writer"*, I figured I should at least try to hammer out two more, making my content a more respectable "bi-monthly" product.<br />
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Before I "retired", I spent sevens year working in higher ed - five at my most recent place of employment, and two at my first "real job". In the world of higher ed, five years tends to be a notable, if not somewhat arbitrary, marker. Colleges and universities (and high schools too I guess) typically hold class reunions every five years in effort to keep their alums connected to the institution and ultimately make sizable donations to the school to pay for a new building, or just offset the rising cost of higher education. I actually have a reunion for my undergrad class coming up this coming summer.<br />
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One of the questions that colleges like to ask their alums (or at least the school I went to) is, if given the chance, would the alum choose that particular school again if they were a college bound kid^. Obviously there is a healthy amount of subjectivity that goes into this question and ultimately the answer. You would figure, given the magnitude of the decision, and the fact that the alum might still be making sizable student loan payments, that most would indicate that they would enroll in their alma mater if they had a chance to do it all over again. And let's be honest, who wouldn't want to do college all over again. College and university administrators love to champion these responses if they show the institution in a positive light from the perspective of their alumni (again, at least the school I went to). It can be a powerful marketing tool for perspective students - "Come here because our alums loved it so much they would come back again if they could!"<br />
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In case you were wondering, and you probably aren't but I'm going to tell you anyway, if I had the chance to go back to college, I would pick my alma mater. Yes, that underscores the confirmation basis narrative. But it is not in attempt to validate what was ultimately a poor decision that set me back somewhere in the neighborhood of six figures. I've written <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/05/what-i-really-learned-in-college.html">before </a>how impactful my education experience was, especially my time in higher ed. It was certainly an expensive endeavor, but one that I feel has paid off in dividends far beyond the actual sticker price of the school. <br />
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This is not to say that if I had a chance to do it all over again I wouldn't do things a least a little bit different. Maybe I would have picked a different major - English, maybe? Then I could really call myself a writer. I certainly look back on my four year experience in university and see mistakes that I made. Like that time I drank an excessive amount of cheap vodka and passed out before 11pm. It's those experiences that we learn from that help move us forward. Maybe I would have spent more/less time in the Library - the actual one and/or the drinking establishment that went by that name. We can always look back and say, "should've, could've, would've". The visual acuity of hindsight is pretty undisputed.<br />
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So, it begs the question - for the content of this blog at least - five years later, if I had to choose to become a stay-at-home parent again, would I? The answer is most certainly yes. I've commented before on how when this "social experiment" is all said and done, there will likely be no part of me that regrets having had this opportunity to stay at home with my kids. It's something I continue to believe is true, especially as I seem to be nearing the end of my tenure. Sure there is a certain amount of confirmation bias in this response too. You would be hard pressed to find many parents who would make the claim that they wasted the last five years of their life being the primary caregiver of their kids. They are certainly out there, but they are a special breed.<br />
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This is not to say that if we were about to welcome a newborn into the world, something I am now physiologically <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/03/mack-knife.html">incapable</a> of assisting with, and I had the next five years ahead of me as a stay-at-home parent that I wouldn't do things a little different. Above and beyond anything, being a stay-at-home parent has been a learning experience. I've learned a lot about myself, and my kids, and my wife, and our familial relationship. And sometimes the things I learn one day render themselves useless the following day, or the following hour. I didn't have many expectations going into this gig, and I don't have many expectations coming out of it. My main objective was primarily to keep the stress level low, and things relatively congenial in our day to day operations. In that regard, I feel like I've mostly succeeded. Again, the key is to set the bar pretty low.<br />
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The last few years have certainly been a rollercoaster of high highs and at times some pretty low lows. But so far, no one has fallen off the ride and we haven't had any mechanical failures that weren't ultimately fixable. Life, especially life with kids, can have a tendency to resemble an amusement park at times. Equal parts exciting and fun, while also terrifying and exhausting. And always more foods made solely from sugar than are reasonably necessary. And usually insanely expensive. Having had the opportunity to be at home with our kids, I feel like I've been better able to regulate what "life amusement park attractions" my kids have experienced. I've also been able to pack bologna sandwiches - something my Mom always did when we made our occasional trips to Valleyfair.<br />
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If there is one thing in particular that I've learned from a "professional development" standpoint during my five year tenure as a stay-at-home parent, is that as parents we're all about the same level of clueless when it comes to trying to raise our kids. If you prefer the Tom Cochrane "Life is a Highway" metaphor, it's like we're all trying to navigate the same road of family life. But we have no idea exactly where we are going, how long that trip is going to take, and how often we will need to stop for bathroom breaks. We're all traveling at different speeds but ultimately navigating the same general twists and turns (medical emergencies, financial ruin, teens in puberty) and mundane straightaways (sitting through another dance recital/soccer match/game of Guess Who). And we're all driving different vehicles; some of us in Mazda Miatas, some in oversized SUVs, and the rest of us in <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/12/oh-caravan.html">Dodge Caravans</a>.<br />
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One thing that I've noticed, as our society has become both more connected and simultaneously isolated at the same time, is this general attitude that we think we can figure things out on our own, and assume others can do the same. When I see a vehicle pulled over on the side of the road, I often wonder if I should stop and offer assistance. But then I assume that the driver probably has a cell phone and can just call someone they know for help, or a look up the number for a tow truck. Plus I typically have one or more young passengers with me, and I have to consider the chances that the person pulled over might actually be a serial killer. Safety first, right?<br />
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To a certain degree, I think this attitude has permeated other areas of our lives, and parenting in particular. As a parent, it can be easy to look at other parents and believe that they have everything figured out, while you are subsequently hanging on by a thread. By and large, we know that is likely a facade - the "social media being a window in the lives we want others to think we are living" phenomenon. And even though we know that everyone has their own shit they are dealing with, when it looks like they are doing a good job of dealing with that shit, it makes us wonder why we can't handle our own shit with similar success (sorry for the profanity, Mom).<br />
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A few months ago, my wife and I took trip to Greece to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary - you may recall our <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2019/03/and-today-was-day-just-like-any-other.html">actual</a> anniversary was relatively tame. We had a phenomenal week and a half enjoying the blue Mediterranean waters, an abundance of delicious Greek food and wine, and not having offspring to look after. Given that this was our first international trip without kids, I found myself observing families occasionally, particularly during the time when we were actually traveling. Watching these families travel with young children made me glad I was not doing the same. But I also found myself taking note of how parents of different cultures navigate the "opportunities" that have a tendency to arise when children are thrust into rather inhospitable situations - air travel, city buses, etc.<br />
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What I took away from those observations was that at the end of the day, we're all trying to get to the same place. Presumably to bed, in one piece, with the prospect of a tomorrow - and hopefully a better one. Sure there are some best practices when it comes to life in general, and parenting in particular, but ultimately we choose our own adventure on how to get there. Hopefully we all have the capacity and ability to make the decisions related to our own personal well being to live the life we ultimately want to, uncontrollable circumstances notwithstanding. Or, in the parenting spectrum in particular, to again quote our old daycare provider, "You gotta do what you gotta do to be the parent you want to be."<br />
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I try to keep this perspective when I struggle to find fulfillment in day to day activities that can make me feel like a volunteer Uber driver or Instacart delivery person for my children. I recently got together with a friend who just started his own stay-at-home tenure, and he quipped about his realization that lowering his standards was ultimately going to make him happier. Happier with the things he felt he could accomplish as a parent, and happier with how he navigated the various curveballs that life threw at him. But as Ruth Whippman suggests in her book, <i>America the Anxious</i>, part of keeping our sanity, especially as parents, may be recognizing that so much of our happiness depends on factors that are outside of our control. When we are faced with those factors, we can't have high expectations, or any for that matter, and have little choice but to just "wing it".<br />
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There is safety in numbers though, and this is why we have each other. The village that it takes to raise the next generation of the world's leaders or tech coders. Those who are just getting into the business of procreation can certainly look to the elders who have been down that road before, for guidance on what and and most certainly what not to do, but would ultimately do it all over again if given the chance. Of course we "elders" know quite well that the chance of us actually being in that situation ever again is incredibly slim. As our kids have grown, and our oldest recently celebrated her ninth birthday, I know the time is coming sooner than later when I will get nostalgic for the days that were a whirlwind of mac and cheese, slime and dance class, when the main objective was just get through the day.<br />
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Having spent the last 5+ years at home with my kids, one could argue that I should be getting close to completing my PhD in parenting, if such a thing existed. With dreaded fellowships and internships to naturally follow during my kids' adolescence. At this point, I've probably already been approved for tenure whether I want it or not. If there is one thing I could conceivably claim any sort of expertise in, it's being able to make it to the end of the day while keeping things interesting along the way. But in the end, that's kind of all that matters.<br />
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*I don't think I've actually ever told anyone I was a writer. It's more of a pretend occupation I give myself.<br />
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^I think "emerging adult" is how that age cohort is referred to these days.</div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-89063457727868430992019-07-01T20:16:00.004-07:002019-07-01T20:56:33.542-07:00Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News<h3>
On Why I Think Our Healthcare Costs So Much</h3>
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A few weeks ago we made our final payment on the hospital bill from our son's visit to the local emergency room from May of 2018. After a year of conversations with representatives from the hospital, other medical providers the hospital contracts with, our insurance company, and even our state's Attorney General office, we can finally put the matter behind us. However, thinking about the entire experience continues to bring me unparalleled levels of frustration, and in my view indicative of why so many consider the healthcare system in the United States to be "broken". And I wouldn't even consider our case to be particularly traumatic, especially given stories of what other people, and families, have had to go through in attempting to navigate the convoluted waters of medical billing. </div>
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During my wife's benefit open enrollment in December of 2017, we decided to switch our health insurance to a high deductible plan with an attached health savings account. We were done having kids (as previously discussed) and hadn't been to the doctor much in the past few years beyond our annual check-ups. We figured what we might pay out of pocket for our few prescriptions and any unexpected doctor visits could be covered by the savings we would get from lower premiums and contributions to our HSA. Of course we should have anticipated that making such a change would result in unanticipated trips to the doctor for a variety of things. The most significant being a trip to the ER with our son.</div>
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I'll refrain from publicly calling out the health care organization whose medical facilities we typically use, but if you know where we live, you can likely connect the dots. If you live in the same area, odds are high you utilize their services too, as we don't have many options, despite living in a metropolitan area of 200,000 people. This is not to say that we've been dissatisfied with the service that we've received when seeing medical providers who practice under this particular organization. We've always been impressed with the level of care the medical providers have given us, and particularly our children. I've commented before that I'm tempted to write our children's pediatrician into our will. Unfortunately, the experience of dealing with the financial side of providing that care has underscored how even our local health care organization contributes to the "broken" system so many people bemoan, while undermining the work of the dedicated professionals who actually provide care.</div>
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The whole reason our son ended up at the ER wasn't even a particularly exciting story. He sustained a cut under his eye following a scooter injury. And it wasn't even an epic fall, which one could have expected given how he had taken to flying around on that thing, given us mild panic attacks at times. Instead, while he was attempting to turn around, his feet got tangled up in the scooter and he fell to the ground, with the end of the handlebar catching him right under the eye. He was even wearing his helmet, since I'm not a completely negligent parent.</div>
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Initially, I even questioned if I should bring him in to get checked out. He was awake and coherent. The blood from the cut seemed to be stopping, and the sympathy cries from his older sister were actually louder than his own. Like any good 21st century parent, I naturally hopped on WebMD to see what anonymous medical professionals from the internet suggested. It seemed apparent that stitches would be a likely scenario if I took him in, but my research informed me that the main purpose of stitches was cosmetic. Considering our new health insurance plan, and how much stitches might possibly cost, I pondered if it would really be worth it. The more I read though, the more I feared the location of the cut might impact his vision. A scar I could live with, compromising my son's vision because I was concerned about how much it might cost was something else.</div>
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So I opted to take him in^, his sobbing sister in tow. But in effort to keep the cost of the trip as reasonable as possible, I decided to start with the pediatric walk-in clinic, which treated kids for a variety of things, minor lacerations included. And when the pediatrician in the walk-in clinic recommended that we take him to the Emergency Room to be evaluated, I think he could sense my hesitation as he reiterated that they would be best able to look for damage to his eye sight, and that we should take him now - not tomorrow or whenever our next monthly contribution to our HSA was made. </div>
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We would like to think that the potential cost of care would not make us reluctant to bring our kids in to be seen for illness or injury, but it certainly plays a factor. There are countless stories of people forgoing care for themselves or their kids because of the anticipated costs of that care. Even my wife, herself a medical provider who would do everything possible to ensure our kid's health and safety, including sacrificing her own well being (or more likely her husband's), rhetorically wondered aloud how much a trip to the ER was going to cost us.</div>
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Initially we thought we might come out "not bad". One of the most frustrating things about health care in the US is that there is little transparency in the pricing. Under a new rule from the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services, hospitals are supposed to post their pricing online*, and as I've learned from our state Attorney General's Office, patients can request an estimate of what a procedure will cost before consenting to it. Something to consider next time you are wheeled into the ER while bleeding profusely. We anticipated that any trip to the ER would be expensive, especially given our high deductible, but when the doctor looked at our son, determined that he didn't need any further attention - no stitches or evals for potential head injury - and promptly discharged him, we figured it wouldn't be "as expensive". Even though we really had no idea how much "expensive" and "not as expensive" would actually be.</div>
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We were about to find out though, as upon bringing our son back to the car, he threw up all over himself. This sent my wife back into the ER with him to be readmitted (I had to head home with his sister to ensure his other sister wouldn't get off the bus from school to an empty house). This time they suggested a CT Scan to check for possible head trauma. Whether the doctor sensed any hesitation from my wife - based on the fact that CT scans emit some amounts of radiation or because they just sound expensive - he assured her that he would do the same for his own child. Luckily the imaging came back negative, and when he was eventually discharged, we felt confident knowing that he would make a full recovery after being treated by competent and compassion providers.<br />
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Then the bills came. I've read quite a bit about the current state of health care in the US, but I was still a little surprised when the first bill we got for our ER trip came not from the hospital, but an emergency physicians association. When another bill came, again not from the hospital but from a regional radiology clinic, I realized that our local hospital, like many others throughout the US, contracts out a variety of its services. Calls to the billing office at the hospital and these other entities, as well as our insurance, confirmed that this was the case. When I pressed as to why the billing was done this way, each entity acknowledged that the process could be better streamlined, but indicated that billing in such a manner was "industry standard".<br />
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So when the bill from the hospital finally came, I was a little confused to see two charges for things that looked similar to what the other bills I had already; an emergency room charge and a radiology charge. When I asked for a more detailed bill, I received one that now had three charges; two for emergency room fees (since he had been admitted twice) and one for the CT Scan. When I informed a not-so-friendly patient financial services representative that I was having a hard time understanding our bill and didn't feel comfortable paying it, she told me to follow up with the medical records office - a process that takes 4-6 weeks to get medical records released. When the records finally came, they provided an insightful, and at times humorous, narrative into the treatment our son received, but didn't shed any light on how that treatment translated into the charges on our bill. Another not-so-friendly patient financial services representative (maybe it was the same one) made it clear that the bills we received from the hospital were the most detailed that they could send us, and we would have to decide if we felt the amount we were charged seemed reasonable.<br />
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While this process played out, I did some research. I found out that the CT Scan they performed cost about 20% of the price the hospital negotiated with the insurance company - the cost we were being asked to pay in full because of the health plan we had, and because we had not hit our (astronomical) deductible. I also found out that had we been uninsured, we would have been given a 40% discount on that price. I also found out that it is considered insurance fraud, and subsequently illegal, to claim that you don't have insurance in effort to receive that discount. And while the price comparison might not be exact, I also learned that a local imaging clinic would have charged us about 25% of what the hospital charged for the CT Scan, with the reading of that scan included.<br />
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Now, I know what you are thinking. But there has to be a mark-up on a procedure, how else can they operate their facility. Plus you went to the ER, the <i>most </i>expensive place to get care. You can't really compare prices of a CT Scan at an ER with that of a scan at an imaging clinic. Valid points. But, given that there is no where else to compare your pricing, and only one ER in a 30 mile radius, that is where one would have to look to try to understand if they are being reasonably charged. Couple this with the fact that the hospital is already charging an ER facility fee, and the doctor fees and radiology reading fees are billed separately, it doesn't seem like the procedure cost should be that much more expensive. Yes, I would expect a mark-up, but a 5 time mark-up on a vulnerable audience, that seems, in the words of the medical director of the very ER we visited, "criminal". </div>
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Now, I also know what you are thinking. But that is the insurance plan you signed up for. If you paid higher premiums, you'd have better coverage, and you wouldn't have to pay the full cost of the care. Again, a valid point. But this, in my view, is big part of why I think healthcare is so expensive in our country. Even if I am not paying that amount out of pocket, I am paying for my insurance company to pay that amount for the procedure. My insurance company can in turn, raise my premiums in subsequent years and reduce my benefits, as they typically do year after year, to cover the cost of this care. If a procedure cost seems excessive to me, given what it costs a medical facility to do and given what you could potentially pay elsewhere, or what the facility would accept if you were uninsured (and presumably unable to pay full price or afford insurance), then I would hope it would seem excessive to my insurance company, who is supposed to be "negotiating in good faith" with medical providers on behalf of their customers.<br />
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What this boils down to is that once someone pays to much for healthcare, we all pay too much for healthcare. Once an insurance company agrees to reimburse a certain amount for something, that sets the standard for what the procedure will cost, regardless of what insurance you do, or do not have. And while we might paying varying out of pocket prices for that procedure, we all inevitably pay full price for that procedure. Even when a facility offers a significant discount to someone who is uninsured, or is forced to accept a significantly lower reimbursement from Medicare or Medicaid, that cost is eventually dispersed amongst the remaining healthcare consumers, which is all of us.<br />
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I eventually paid the hospital bill. But not all of it. Taking the advice of one of those not-so-friendly Patient Financial Services Representatives, I made a payment of what I thought was reasonable, given the care our son received and the price of that care relative to its cost, and what seemed to me to be reasonable comparisons. I agreed to pay what an uninsured patient would pay for the CT Scan -essentially the cash price, along with one of the ER Facility Fees#. This came out to be about 60% of what our final bill was. With my payment, I included a three page letter on why I believed that amount to be sufficient, and informed the hospital I would be happy to speak with someone if they did not agree with my explanation. They processed my payment and I heard nothing from them, so I considered the matter closed.<br />
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Then I kept getting bills. I followed up with them again. Did they not see the letter? Hard to assume given that my payment was wrapped up inside it. A friendlier-than-the-last person I spoke with in Patient Financial Services indicated that there was no indication of them receiving the letter, and subsequently reading it. So I sent it again (I should have been taking off money for postage by this point). And then sent it again to someone in the Patient Advocacy Office, as well the Vice President for Billing, who might have read it (but it didn't seem like), but assured me that their billing procedures are accurate and I would continue to get bills until it ultimately went to collections.<br />
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Eventually I reached out to the Minnesota Attorney General's Office, a suggestion unknowingly made by someone in the hospitals Patient Advocacy Office (it was through that office, that I learned about the uninsured discount). After a cordial, but relatively unproductive conversation, a representative from the AG's office contacted the hospital on my behalf, and we essentially repeated the negotiation process over the next few months, this time with him as an intermediary. Eventually, the hospital offered to apply the self-insured discount for the remaining balance of the bill, bringing it down another 40%. By this point I was ready to have the process behind us, and we paid the balance - no lengthy protest letters.<br />
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While this could be considered a (small) win for me personally, it likely won't provide any benefit to others who find themselves in a similar situation. If the hospital is only willing to bill a (somewhat) more reasonable price when people challenge that price (rather extensively), it will have little effective on making health care billing more transparent and ultimately more affordable in my view. I momentarily contemplated allowing the hospital to take me to collections, or maybe even sue me to collect the balance (as <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/06/28/736736444/a-tennessee-hospital-sues-its-own-employees-when-they-cant-pay-their-medical-bil">some hospitals</a> have started to do to their own employees who can't pay their medical bills), but I knew the odds of any significant change coming about by my protests would be minimal (and likely much more costly on my end). I also contemplated, despite all of my protests, just paying the full balance of the original bill as a kind of "reverse middle finger".<br />
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So to (finally) get to the point of my subheading, this is why I think healthcare in the US is so expensive. Because it can be and we allow it to. And the only way that we can push back against it is to be the problem customers who complain and challenge when bills seem excessive, which they typically always do. This is not to say that providing healthcare isn't an expensive endeavor, or that we should expect life saving procedures to cost next to nothing. But for a vast majority of our medical needs (and specifically needs as opposed to wants), we are beholden to what medical providers charge - and often times the people who are actually providing the physical care have little to no idea how much the services they are providing actually cost. When we question charges, we assured that everything was billed correctly, which makes perfect sense, given that the people in that very office are the ones who determine what the cost will be.<br />
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I don't have a magic answer on how to make healthcare more affordable, or more effective, in this country. And apparently no one else really does either, particularly the health care execs who are supposed to be the "experts". But like a lot of things we gripe about, certain changes have to start with us. As a whole, we don't do a very good job taking care of ourselves. There is little coincidence that some of the top causes of death in the US are largely seen as <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/leading-causes-of-death">preventable</a>- heart diseases, certain cancers, diabetes, etc. We have also created an environment that precipitates a decline in well being, while doing little to incentivize people to live healthier lifestyles. As I mentioned in the midst of an intense, and somewhat alcohol fueled, discussion on healthcare this past weekend, no matter how healthy you try to be, your healthcare will always get more expensive.<br />
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But it is also up to us to push back on excessive charges and to demand transparency. At times this might cause people to question our commitment to our health, or that of our loved ones. However, there is a cost to the care that is provided, and just knowing that that care is going to be expensive, and possibly unaffordable, even with insurance, can lead to people rationing care for <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/09/01/641615877/insulins-high-cost-leads-to-lethal-rationing">themselves</a> or their loved ones as a consequence. If it seems cold to inquire about the cost of a procedure for yourself or your child, and wonder about the necessity of that procedure, before it being done, than should we not be able to scrutinize those charges after we get them, at times months after the fact? We shouldn't have to submit our excessive medical bills to media outlets in hopes that a public airing of those charges will result in a hospital drastically adjusting the bill.<br />
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Ultimately, I would like us to get to a point where people can get the care that they, or their loved ones need, without needing to worry about the financial consequences. We should also allow medical professionals to provide the care that is necessary to help their patients without being concerned on how they will be compensated for that care. We shouldn't live in a country where the number one reason people go bankrupt is related to a <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2019/02/11/this-is-the-real-reason-most-americans-file-for-bankruptcy.html">medical issue</a>. Nor should we live in a country where doctors commit suicide at <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/07/31/634217947/to-prevent-doctor-suicides-medical-industry-rethinks-how-doctors-work">double the rate</a> of the rest of the public. I believe that people would much rather be healthy, and would prefer avoiding receiving medical care as much as possible. But this does not mean that they should avoid receiving it when they need it because they cannot afford it.<br />
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Does this sound like free health care for all, as one of my weekend conversation partners suggested? Not necessarily. We already spend so much per person on health care in the US that some argue we could cover the cost of care for most everyone, especially since a vast majority of those dollars are spent on a small number people. Does that mean a more regulated system, that democratizes care across all Americans, regardless of their income levels? Probably. Does it mean health care rationing? Possibly, but as we know, that already happens in our current system. Does it sound expensive? Absolutely, but so is our current system, and it certainly doesn't show any signs of getting better.<br />
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As parents we want our kids to be healthy. We know we can't shield them from all pain, nor should we necessarily want to. But when they get hurt, if it seems serious enough for them to be seen by a medical professional, we shouldn't feel hesitation because we are concerned about the cost. When a trained medical professional suggests a certain type of treatment, we shouldn't have to contemplate what impact that might have on our finances. Or when we see our health insurance premiums rise year after year, while our benefits dwindle, we shouldn't wonder how that might effect our ability to put food on the table. <br />
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I don't have the answers, but I know those scenarios, which many of us have likely been in, are not the ones that we want. Until those scenarios no longer exist, I will continue to advocate for more effective and affordable care for myself and my loved ones, and I will challenge and push back when I believe that is not the case. I would encourage you to do the same.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrs1xncryhaZeeWXlUbGz7dnMSXNaTMLxNur9oQY-xP07eDeHvXaYf3ENhPaxmP7jmj02DJuQOrN24-aKw6uzgB-qmZfqjLbDaejv08OWz_arx6iOmaWwHS3eHtoZIVYiZahyphenhyphenCJ3KTHiU/s1600/20180511_155406.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrs1xncryhaZeeWXlUbGz7dnMSXNaTMLxNur9oQY-xP07eDeHvXaYf3ENhPaxmP7jmj02DJuQOrN24-aKw6uzgB-qmZfqjLbDaejv08OWz_arx6iOmaWwHS3eHtoZIVYiZahyphenhyphenCJ3KTHiU/s320/20180511_155406.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think his pride (what little a 4 y/o has) was hurt the more than anything else.<br />
While he was very anti-selfie for the next few weeks, he was back on the scooter the next day.</td></tr>
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Thanks for staying with it. I know it got long. I've read a lot (probably too much) about health care. If you'd like to do the same, here are some additional resources I'd recommend. <br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Catastrophic-Care-Everything-Think-Health/dp/034580273X"><i>Catastrophic Care</i></a> by David Goldhill <br />
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<i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/American-Sickness-Healthcare-Became-Business/dp/0143110853/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=3MA9WC3TMA8NREHJGVN4">An American Sickness</a> </i>by Elisabeth Rosenthal<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Our-Bodies-Could-Talk-Maintaining/dp/1101970820/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1PXK4SL55Z4WJ&keywords=if+our+bodies+could+talk+by+james+hamblin&qid=1562036030&s=books&sprefix=if+our+bod%2Cstripbooks%2C196&sr=1-1">If Our Bodies Could Talk</a> by James Hamblin<br />
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<a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/">Shots </a>- Health News by NPR<br />
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<u>VoxCare</u> - Vox's Health Care Newsletter - Anything by Sarah Kliff (now with the NYT) or Ezra Klein is particularly insightful<br />
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<a href="https://www.kff.org/">Kaiser Family Foundation</a></div>
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^When you have a sick or injured child, "taking them in" tends to become shorthand for bringing them to be seen by a trained medical professional</div>
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*This came into effect at the start of 2019, so it wouldn't have helped us in May of 2018 for our particular visit. I did find the information on hospitals website though, and the price list for procedures looks as though it was basically lifted from a medical coding textbook. I challenged representatives in the Billing Office of the hospital to point out on the list what procedure our son had undergone. I never got a response.<br />
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#The Emergency Physicians Association that provides the doctors for this particular ER had a policy of not billing for multiple ER visits in a given day. This seemed to make sense to me, and I figured if the doctors the hospital contracted with did this, the actual hospital should do it to. </div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-50692216414244645602019-05-09T18:32:00.000-07:002019-05-12T18:46:46.702-07:00Running Down a Dream<h3>
<b>He's Going the Distance</b></h3>
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If you are an occasional reader of this blog or know me personally, you may know that I am not one to shy away from masochism. About three years ago, I wrote about how four years prior to that I was in the midst of training for a marathon. It was my second foray into such stupidity as I had barely finished my first seven years prior to that, and promptly swore I would never attempt another. Well, the seven year itch struck again, and this past fall I found myself clicking the submit button on an online registration for a 50 mile endurance run. Yep, I figured if I'd already finished two marathons, albeit seven years apart, the next logical thing to do would be to attempt to run almost two full marathons in one sitting (or standing, or mostly death marching as they call it in the ultra world).<br />
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Attempting an ultramarathon had been on my list of things to do for a while. I originally thought I could just jump into a 100 miler (arguably the standard distance when someone mumbles "ultra"), but sensibly figured a 50 would be a good place to start. Recognizing that I am certainly not getting "Younger Next Year" (despite the title of the most recent book I read) and given that our youngest started a few mornings of preschool this past fall, giving me about five hours of "free" training time during the week, I figured there was no time like the present. I had also watched/read some pretty inspiring documentaries/books (listed at the bottom), which confirmed that I was sufficiently crazy enough to drop a couple of Benjamins on a race entry and all subsequent supplies.<br />
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As an avid runner for the past 21+ years, I've come to appreciate the act of running for the role it plays in my life. I wouldn't say I love running, but I love the way I feel after a good run. I love how it challenges me but allows me a certain amount of release at the same time. Running has become as beneficial for my emotional health as it has for my physical health. While I haven't always actively trained for a particular run or race, I've also found it important to carve out some time to run a few days a week. It makes me a better person. I also love how running long distances allows me (questionable) justification to eat whatever I want with relative reckless abandon.<br />
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Naturally, training for an ultramarathon took an excessive amount of time. The five hours of kidless time each week obviously wasn't going to be a sufficient amount of training time, no matter how many "Low Mileage Ultramarathon Training Plans" I Googled. In reality, the training wasn't significantly different than training for a marathon, with the exception of what is commonly referred to as the "block run". This usually means instead of doing your typical long run once a week like you would for marathon training, you do that long run, and then do it again (or as much as you can handle) the next day. The premise of the training is that you should never run the full amount of your ultra, but you should get pretty close over the course of two days. Training for a marathon, and especially an ultra, becomes essentially a part time job, and you start to wonder what other things you could have been doing with that time.<br />
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It can certainly be hard to justify taking that amount of time to engage in any particular pursuit, especially if you have a family that is feeling the brunt of your training. I knew though that the training would be temporary, and the run itself would eventually come and go. As a good friend, and decorated ultrarunner counseled me, you have to make sure your family is on board, because the training will take a lot out of you, and it will dictate a big chunk of your life. My wife, as you all know, is amazing and selfless and tolerates most of my bullshit, and the kids seemed rather apathetic to the notion of dad running excessive distances. They actually learned during my training that it probably worked to their advantage, as my need to try and get in a midweek run often meant some quality time for them with their favorite babysitter - the television. I found turning on the TV for them if I was going to spend some time on the treadmill was significantly easier to justify than most of the other reasons I turn the TV on for them - all of which revolve around my laziness.<br />
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So after six months of pounding the pavement, and the trails (and the occasional dreadmill), I was excitedly anticipating the run while also looking forward to the end of my training. I wrapped up my training with the longest run/jog/walk I'd ever completed in my life, all on muddy and snow covered trails and a third of it in relatively terrifying darkness, and was ready for my taper - which included four kidless days with my wife in New Orleans for a friend's wedding. As the run itself approach, I did my best to stay busy by preparing race logistics and marveled at how a few consecutive days of not running was actually diminishing the constant soreness in my legs. It felt like I was actually get the bounce back in my step. Just as I was as ready to become a dad I was was going get on November, 19, 2010, I was as ready as I was going to get for a 50 mile run.<br />
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And then the Minnesota winter scoffed at all of us, and especially the 900+ runners who signed up for one of the Zumbro runs. Comparable to 2018, which resulted in the cancellation of the 17 mile run of the Zumbro, an April blizzard descended onto most of the state of Minnesota, and the race directors, after much consideration and deliberation, made the decision to cancel all three of the Zumbro races (100, 50 & 17) out of concern for the runners and volunteers. Six months of training, 500+ miles of running, millions of calories burned (and probably more consumed), and no actual race to run. Obviously I was disappointed, but given that the weather was the cause of the cancellation, and not my decision to pull out because of injury or anxiety, made it a little easier to take. The race director detailed the thoughtful and difficult decision to cancel the run in a lengthy email explanation, and we still got the race shirts, which I wore for a week straight*.<br />
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Of course I didn't feel like the training went to waste. One of my biggest fears about getting old is losing the ability to engage in the pursuits that I love, or ones that I mildly enjoy and know are good for me. The most recent book I read, <i>Younger Next Year</i>, stresses the importance of engaging in physical activity nearly every day if you want to live a good long and health life. The authors see the art of aging as choosing to grow, by being vigilant about your health through exercise and healthy eating, or decay. We can't stop the fact that we will get older, but we can continue to do the things we enjoyed doing in our younger years if we commit to actively pursuing a healthy lifestyle.<br />
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My kids have certainly added some extra motivation for trying to remain physically capable. As they've gotten older, it has been fun to engage in some of the various recreational activities I really enjoy doing, and watching them starting to "get it". It makes me excited for the time in the not so distant future; when we can play catch in the backyard, hit the tennis ball or play some one on one hoops at the courts, follow each other through the trees on the double black diamonds, etc. Secretly, I have a (like unattainable) goal to always be BFS (bigger, faster stronger) than our kids. And not just for a sense of vanity - I've long given up on any pursuit toward six pack abs (to my wife's chagrin). But more out of a desire to hopefully always be able to keep up with them, and maybe push them a little. I will obviously always be their "old man", but I don't necessarily have to play like one - at least when it comes to being active.<br />
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I've also discussed in the past what I think is an important part of modeling healthy behaviors, and how I feel it is important for my kids to see me doing things that I enjoy and at times struggle with. I hope this shows them a small amount of hard work and dedication to things that they are passionate about and find joy in doing is most certainly worthwhile. If they gravitate toward being runners (and I hope they do), or any of the other leisure pursuits I really enjoy (of which there are many), that's great. But I will let them find their own path. Should they ever want to run a marathon and need a pacer, I want to be ready and up for the task, no matter my age. Now that our four year old recently learned how to ride his bike without training wheels, I'm already plotting routes for our family cross country bike trip (pedal bike).<br />
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So that is why I at times put my own body through the ringer - to try and stay healthy so I can keep up with the kids and hopefully live a long life, while also trying to model some healthy behaviors of engaging in things that I love. I recognize that it takes some time and commitment, and that might mean spending a little less time with them to engage in the things that bring me joy. But I figure if I take the time now to stay healthy and happy, I will hopefully have more time with them in the future, and more quality time when I can actively be a part of their lives and share in the pursuits that bring them joy.<br />
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Will I attempt another ultramarathon? Maybe. Maybe not. After my race was cancelled, I realized that after all of my training, I was pretty certain I could have completed 50 miles. It might not have been pretty, and I likely wouldn't have finished in the arbitrary time goal that I set for myself. But just knowing that I could have willed myself through it was an accomplishment enough - not to forget about the number of miles I logged over the six months, or the fact that I actually completed a couple of ultramarathons during my training^. For now I've been taking a little running break. Enjoying some additional quality time with the family, and tamping down a little bit on the kids' screen time (just a little).<br />
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I believe that whenever we try to better ourselves - whether through improving our physical health, mental or emotional health, or even our financial health - those attempts are never in vain, no matter if we reach our intended goal or not. We always learn something along the way, and for those of us who are parents, things we can pass along to our kids - hard work, perseverance, band-aids over the nipples, etc. For our kids to see us try, and either succeed, fail or not be able to complete our goal due to extenuating circumstances, and observe how we respond to that outcome can be a powerful motivator for them. It may encourage them to try and make their dreams be more than just dreams.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRbva-2A-wRCcAtNwf-HE8B4be3Ll3ksuud28k_Q2F91PukfKZBoxPY9DXcG1Reute9G2kpYbisjaoyn51-2nhnfnIhmQFPZiUgRTubojyoIL7hvjDsY8mq8b_sG93_xiE9NdAoFt6mnM/s1600/isla+jon+run.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRbva-2A-wRCcAtNwf-HE8B4be3Ll3ksuud28k_Q2F91PukfKZBoxPY9DXcG1Reute9G2kpYbisjaoyn51-2nhnfnIhmQFPZiUgRTubojyoIL7hvjDsY8mq8b_sG93_xiE9NdAoFt6mnM/s320/isla+jon+run.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Picture taken immediately following Isla and my first ever daughter-father run. <br />
It was 2 mile glow run of which she ran almost half (impressive for a 4 y/o).<br />
We walked a bit and I piggybacked her occasionally</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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*It's not uncommon for me to wear shirts, or other clothes for a week at a time.<br />
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^Technically, an "ultra" is considered anything longer than 26.2 miles. During my training, I did 30 and 34 mile runs/walks/jogs/death marches - neither were glamorous, but I was at least able to walk the following day. <br />
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Inspirational Readings/Viewings on Ultrarunning & Other Nonsense</h3>
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<i>Born To Run</i> - Christopher McDougall<br />
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<i>Eat and Run</i> - Scott Jurek<br />
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<i>Ultramarathon Man</i> - Dean Karnazes<br />
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<i>Mindful Running</i> - Mackenzie L. Havey<br />
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<i>My Year of Running Dangerously</i> - Tom Foreman<br />
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<i>What Doesn't Kill Us</i> - Scott Carney<br />
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<u>Film</u><br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQmoxlUy33A">"The Barkley's Marathon - The Race That Eats It's Young"</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDZdsqbcGTU">"The Barkely's Marathon - Where Dreams Go to Die"</a><br />
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"<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iC7Lh4opLsc">How To Run 100 Miles</a>"<br />
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"<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2ZLG-Fij_4">Breaking 2</a>"<br />
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"<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SSyhSQriPM">The Rise of the Sufferfests</a>"jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-24299672304050623142019-04-24T16:25:00.000-07:002019-04-24T16:25:38.217-07:00You Say It's Your Birthday?<h2>
After All My Plans, they Melt into the Sand</h2>
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I made another trip around the sun a few weeks ago (actually, it was a month ago by now). Staying in form with the other "monumental" days that have already passed this year in our house; our wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc., it was pretty low key. It landed on a Thursday, which you may be aware is a "dance night" in our house this year. It also happened to be "dance picture night", which added some extra chaos and required additional adult supervision throughout the evening.</div>
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Thus, my "birthday dinner" was self made* and enjoyed in the company of our Colombian teaching intern who is staying with us this year. Two of our three kids where around, but they were relatively oblivious to the significance of the day, and had zero interest sitting at the table to watch us eat as they had already consumed their "fast food"^. I at least made myself a steak (which is ironic because I'm not a huge steak-eater) and enjoyed a glass of red wine.</div>
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Growing up I always eagerly looked forward to my birthday. I would usually have a hard time sleeping the night before, eagerly awaiting what gifts might be given that following morning in celebration of my birth. I vividly remember a birthday growing up, maybe when I was 10 or so (okay, maybe not so vivid), when my whole family seemed to forget it was my birthday. I remember being so upset, until they eventually surprised me with tickets to a Minnesota Timberwolves basketball game that evening. I still look forward to my birthday. As much as I would like to say it is just another day on the calendar, it certainly feels nice to be well wished and maybe pampered a little, even if just for a day. Everyone deserves that on occasion. Even you.</div>
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As we get older, we may naturally look at our birthdays with a certain amount of dread. Recognizing that we are getting older, possibly at our nearing another milestone of old age, and that much closer to kicking the bucket. Officially reaching the backside of my 30s, it is a salient concept for me. The gray hairs are prominent, while the total amount of hair is thinning (on my head at least). My body aches more, in more places, for inexplicable reasons. Those facts of life don't always make us keen to want to celebrate. </div>
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Something I really seemed to grasp (appreciate/accept) this year though, was the fact that my birthday isn't really about me anymore. It's about taking stock of the existing presents in my life; my family and my friends, my health, my stunning good looks. These are the things that make me look forward to having a birthday and celebrating another year of life. It's certainly cliche to say, but the best gift I can receive on my birthday is the opportunity to continue to be apart of the lives of the people I love, especially my wife and kids.</div>
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For that gift to keep on giving year after year, I think you have to recognize that the giving of your love to the people you love returns love to you in greater quantities. Most all of us feel good when we've done something nice for someone else. I know I do. For me, it is just easier to be kind of people, but it also makes me feel better when I'm kind. And, I like to feel good. Given that we've just celebrated Easter, if you follow Christian teachings, it doesn't seem coincidental that Jesus was both the happiest and most self sacrificing individual. I'm guessing the same holds true for the major prophets/players in the other main religions. </div>
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And this giving of ourselves to others, especially those who mean a lot to us, might actually helps ensure that we will have numerous birthdays to celebrate in the future. Coincidentally, I just finished reading the book, <i><a href="https://www.youngernextyear.com/">Younger Next Year</a></i> by Chris Crowley and Dr. Harry Lodge. While it focuses primarily on the things you need to do from a health and fitness standpoint to live a good long, and active life, the final chapters are dedicated to a person's emotional well being. The authors, particularly the one with a medical degree, stress of the importance, especially in old age, of mattering to others. Having connection and commitment to things beyond our own self interest strengthens our limbic brain, which typically corresponds with a longer span of life. </div>
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A few years ago, a good friend and I sat a bar and questioned the reason why, as we aged, we had started to seemingly sabotage our own happiness by adding responsibilities to our lives like spouses, kids, houses, jobs, etc. (I had all four of these, he only had a job). We observed that these things had a tendency to get in the way of what we typically lived in pursuit of during our younger years; namely, sex, drugs and rock and roll. But as I exchanged emails with this same friend a few months, congratulating him on joining the Jerome Bettis club, he expressed his contentment with accepting the fact that we were no longer rockstars, and likely never were in the first place.<br />
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We get to that point in our lives, particularly when we become spouses and parents, when we realize that it's not all about us. At least not all the time. We see things in the broader context of our place as it relates the to world around us and particularly in relation to those who are closest to us. We see how we can play a role in their happiness, even if that means sacrificing our own happiness from time to time. I believe this is what the kids these days call "adulting". When I had lunch with my Mom for her birthday a few weeks after my own, I shared with her that I now "got it". I understood why she, and my Dad, were so quick to make things about my sister and I and not them, even their own birthdays.<br />
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So on my birthday, my family gave me the gift of being able to play a role in contributing to our collective familial happiness. Which, on this specific birthday, meant staying out of the way. It felt good to not add an unnecessary stress to and already stressful day by insisting that things be centered around me. My family might have felt a little bad, or maybe just my wife, that my birthday seemed to go overlooked, but it was a perfect way to celebrate. And my body, particularly my liver, felt incredibly better the following day.<br />
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Given the trajectory of our lives, the chance of my birthday next year being just as exciting as this year is pretty high. Although, it is on a Saturday next year which might be on a dance competition weekend - then it might get really crazy. But the chances of me having another birthday next year are pretty high (statistically speaking at least). If celebrating my birthday every year means making the celebration more about others and less about me in order to ensure that I will have numerous birthdays to come, it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. There will likely come a day again, when my birthday becomes all about me, even though I'd rather have it not be. By that time, I'll be so old and senile I probably won't even remember that it actually is my birthday.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8cyROWs5jpfdFpNfk_4whqUdTHHPN8d3UfxMVFfAyf1FYiHmTSQ1DXmXhcWDY5Fi45d0HNI_kQAT0rcESsn42CmYR_ZHqYA5B3CQePl84U93TQUtZu-X-_z9eRQ7iic64Rr0_KFPHDuU/s1600/20180314_181202.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8cyROWs5jpfdFpNfk_4whqUdTHHPN8d3UfxMVFfAyf1FYiHmTSQ1DXmXhcWDY5Fi45d0HNI_kQAT0rcESsn42CmYR_ZHqYA5B3CQePl84U93TQUtZu-X-_z9eRQ7iic64Rr0_KFPHDuU/s320/20180314_181202.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm pretty certain this was my birthday last year.</td></tr>
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*When my wife mentioned to our 8 year old that she felt bad that I had to make my own birthday dinner, her response was; "But Mom, he likes making dinner."</div>
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^We don't eat a lot of traditional fast food in our house - McDonald's, etc. We do eat on the run a lot though, and a friend once told me they refer to those meals in the vehicle consumed en route to something as "fast food". I liked the term, so naturally hijacked it.</div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-69002162888023860882019-03-13T04:44:00.001-07:002019-03-13T04:44:53.691-07:00And Today Was a Day Just Like Any Other<h3>
Turn and Face the Strange</h3>
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My wife and I had a kid-free night out in the big city a couple of weekends ago. We went out for dinner, met up with some friends for cocktails, and enjoyed some live music. We stayed up later than we should have and slept in (for us at least). It had been a while since we had a chunk of kidless time together, and it was somewhat nostalgic of our days before offspring. It wasn't even to mark any special occasion, the stars just aligned to get together with some friends, and the grandparents were clamoring for some quality "grandkiddo time".</div>
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Two days into 2019, my wife and I had our 10 year wedding anniversary. To celebrate the occasion, we dropped one of our kids off at her dance class and convinced grandpa that his evening would be best spent hanging out with the other two - it didn't take too much convincing. We savored that 90 minute kid-free session with dinner at a nondescript Mexican restaurant (we had gift cards) and passed on the margaritas (we were working on our beach bodies for an upcoming trip to Mexico). When our 90 minutes were up, we picked up our daughter from dance class and returned to our originally scheduled programming.</div>
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As your marriage lengthens and kids (and other responsibilities) get added to the mix, stereo-typically designated "romantic occasions" have a tendency to become very less so. If our 90 minutes out to commemorate our 10 year anniversary seemed a little lack luster, it was monumental in comparison to what we did for Valentine's Day. Which was nothing. In fact, we had actually both being recovering from some minor ailments (stomach bug, head cold), so the very thought of doing anything mildly romantic seemed somewhat repulsive at the time. Plus Thursday nights are tough. It's a dance night (one of them).</div>
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Like February 14th, January 2nd is a day on the calendar. For my wife and I it holds special significance as our wedding anniversary. But for everyone else who didn't get married on that day or have a birthday on that day^, it's just another day on the calendar. Which, thanks to the Romans, in 2019 - 10 years after my wife and I said "I Do" - happened to be a Wednesday. Naturally neither of us had the foresight to consider what day of the week our "monumental" anniversaries might fall on in the future when we picked a date for our wedding. Given that we selected a day in January in Minnesota, obviously shows how much thought we put into the decision. </div>
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My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and while the love we share today is exactly the same as the love we shared when we said our vows, it is also very different. That is the case because we've changed as individuals over these past 10 years, as has our family dynamic and the nature of our relationship. While we are the same people who stood holding hands trying to recite our vows while holding back tears (one of us at least), the experiences that we have had as a couple, and now as a family have changed the way we love each other, and the life that we've made together.<br />
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I was reminded of this during the parenthetically aforementioned trip to Mexico that we saved our margaritas for. We went for my sister-in-law's wedding, where, for five days, we lapped the life of all inclusive luxury, and were able to be apart of one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever experienced. Given that it was their aunt getting married, the kids came with, and considering that it was January, and we were escaping sub-zero temps in Minnesota (only to return to those continual sub-zero temps), it was an unforgettable experience.<br />
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It was also quite different than our last trip to a beach resort in Mexico, for a number of reasons. And for those reasons alone, it was an absolutely incredible trip. Of course we were looking forward to a break from winter, soaking up the sun, and enjoying a few poolside cocktails. But that wasn't the focal point of this trip. The focal point was celebrating my sister-in-law and her husband, while being able to spend quality time with my wife's family and making some unique memories with our kids. Lounging all day by the pool, sipping bottomless margaritas, clubbing at Senor Frogs until the wee hours of the morning, and sleeping past noon were very far down on the to-do list, if on it at all.<br />
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As I listened to the bride and groom exchange incredibly personal and heartfelt vows during a beautiful ceremony overlooking the the Cabo San Lucas marina, I couldn't take my eyes off of my wife. She looked as stunningly beautiful as she always does standing by her sister's side. Of course they both looked stunning, but naturally I'm biased (sorry Mel). We've talked at times, usually in jest, about renewing our vows, and while they would be quite different ten years later, they would still be very similar. Partly because I have absolutely no recollection of what those vows actually were.<br />
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In our ten years of marriage our relationship has changed as we've changed as people and our family has grown to encompass our children. Some of the passion and excitement has certainly faded, but it has been supplemented with other feelings and emotions. Our love might look different in its nuts and bolts than it did ten years ago, or twenty years ago when we first verbally expressed those feelings to another (for the record, I said it first). But that love is still rooted in a deep commitment and respect for one another, that recognizes a place and time for each of those emotions. It is, to borrow a line from Macklemore, the "same love".<br />
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A wedding is an amazing celebration of two people, their love, and their future together. But everyday in a marriage can't be a wedding. Every trip to Mexico, or other exotic location, won't always feel like a honeymoon. Every anniversary can't always involve wine, chocolate fondue and rose petals on the bed - even the big ones that seem like they should. But that is life, and the fact that those momentous occasions don't happen every day helps to understand their importance, but also put them into perspective. For they are days, albeit big ones, in the journey of our life and the relationships that are built. Those days are important, but so is every other day and moment in between.<br />
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As we get older (wiser/more mature?), I think it becomes easier for us to understand (rationalize?) this. We learn how to experience love and express love in the smallest of things that happen on a daily basis. The things I love about my wife now might seem different on the surface, but I love those things for the same reasons I loved other things about her when I asked her to marry me. Her presence in my life, along with our kids, brings me unparalleled amounts of joy and happiness (and at times frustration). But my life is still unquestionably better with her, and them, apart of it, no matter the circumstances.<br />
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When we learn to find love in those everyday, in between moments, our capacity for love increases. It has to. For we are not waiting for those "special occasions"; anniversaries, birthdays, administrative professionals day, to express our love or allow ourselves to experience love from others. True, it is easy for those moments to go over looked, as it is an irony that the more we tend to be loved, the more we can overlook that love. At times we need those refreshers; an anniversary, or a "Hallmark Holiday". For me, weddings always seem to serve as a helpful reminder of the love I felt for my wife on our wedding day, and how I can do a better job of expressing that love on a daily basis.<br />
<br />
But given the option of feeling consistent and constant love on a daily basis, or only "feeling the love" when the big days come around, I think most of us would choose the former. We all express love in our own unique way, and to make a relationship last, we have to find the way that works for us and the one we love. It's not based on the way other couples love each other, although it can be helpful to understand what you admire about other people's love and try to emulate it in your own relationship. But we all change over time, as will those around us, which will impact those relationships that we've made. If we embrace those changes, and look for the good things that those changes bring about, those relationships will continue to grow in love.<br />
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One of the couples we were able to get together with during our adult night out has had very different marital experience than my wife and I. For a variety of reasons, they do not, and I'm guessing won't have any kids. They both are very successful in their professions, which require significant time and energy commitments. They love to travel, as we do, and we were listening with envy as they recounted some experiences from a trip they took a Greece a few years ago (somewhere my wife and I are hoping to go for a anniversary trip this coming fall). The owner of the hotel in which they stayed would often exclaim to them, "This is life!" Our friend was pretty certain he meant to say, "This is the life!", but something got lost in translation. But in my mind, the saying fits. "The life" is what you make of "life". At times it will definitely feel more like "the life" than others, but it will always be life. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3AmB-DBi0Nm9VGmHjvCHuzoZ3D9ItI3KsuOccdYkmjJ6x0bDoBHX_7cfUVFIhmie_eksazhhFFpdKF-XJt5CATswBbo-RLQcDVdRGPA-z4bsyZ_PDr_D7wxF5T3JN5F8hORfl-xxswM0/s1600/cabo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3AmB-DBi0Nm9VGmHjvCHuzoZ3D9ItI3KsuOccdYkmjJ6x0bDoBHX_7cfUVFIhmie_eksazhhFFpdKF-XJt5CATswBbo-RLQcDVdRGPA-z4bsyZ_PDr_D7wxF5T3JN5F8hORfl-xxswM0/s320/cabo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cabo 2019</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIQtc1UsCF-gjt6G1JY7Z2wTodtq0QuR3JL0czmjCEmzQinCquGRkpLzHEL-FiYMG37xNCcAl_NxaIEAD_MWXaeEHaQ3hwaSf4BJ5xvbUUo7Gn-_B6HK6U5f3vg0pIwlhbSI3RlrkrM4g/s1600/PV+Spring+2010+040.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIQtc1UsCF-gjt6G1JY7Z2wTodtq0QuR3JL0czmjCEmzQinCquGRkpLzHEL-FiYMG37xNCcAl_NxaIEAD_MWXaeEHaQ3hwaSf4BJ5xvbUUo7Gn-_B6HK6U5f3vg0pIwlhbSI3RlrkrM4g/s320/PV+Spring+2010+040.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Puerto Vallarta 2010<br />(The precursor to this family business)</td></tr>
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^Since the Mexican restaurant we went to gives you a free dinner on your birthday, it was actually a pretty hopping place.jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-8400277800621706682018-12-11T20:05:00.003-08:002018-12-11T20:05:27.719-08:00This Family's on Fire<h3>
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#fiveonfire</h2>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I started working on
this post in (early) November, but given the craziness of this time of year,
naturally just got around to finishing it. Along with the start of the
Holiday season, November begins birthday season in our house, with our oldest
and my wife celebrate birthdays just before Thanksgiving. On the </span><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2014/11/11192010-day-s-got-real.html"><span style="color: blue;">same day</span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">, in case you weren't aware. The festivities continue into
December with our other two kids celebrating birthdays right in the midst of other
holidays taking place. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">This year, November was extra special in our house
because it happened to be a "bonus paycheck month", something my wife
and I look forward to excitedly considering how much we geek out about personal
finance. Oh, and November was also Movember or No Shave November, which
gave me an excuse to be additionally lazy and not shave. And then
subsequently do this to my facial hair.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIx0vCWHeoNBq-snZvHA9ORjiyepozB_W018q8IhwbCAoga_B5PSHDySjI7-tAUXwsYaif-IxNHs2571EPKddbu2Bhbr6omVj6roxsCbMhnEHuRGjfgQdi3VjnDnxR44-qb1re7Y7Dl84/s1600/47683548_10101997000861795_2158347136415039488_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="466" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIx0vCWHeoNBq-snZvHA9ORjiyepozB_W018q8IhwbCAoga_B5PSHDySjI7-tAUXwsYaif-IxNHs2571EPKddbu2Bhbr6omVj6roxsCbMhnEHuRGjfgQdi3VjnDnxR44-qb1re7Y7Dl84/s320/47683548_10101997000861795_2158347136415039488_n.jpg" width="155" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My sister made a $210 donation to the Movember Foundation<br style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12.6667px;" /><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12.6667px;">so I could look like this until December 21st. </span><br style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12.6667px;" /><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12.6667px;">Aren't older siblings great!?!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">Bonus paycheck month was
a phenomenon we became aware of when we started working jobs that provided us
steady paychecks (or direct deposits) every two weeks. Despite being anal
retentive when it comes to tracking our finances, we had overlooked the fact
that while we typically budget by the month, there are 26 biweekly pay periods
in a year (52/2 for those who struggled in math class). Overlaid over
twelve months, which typically just have two paydays, we realized that two
months of out every year would actually have three paydays that we neglected to
figure into our monthly accounting. Hence us affectionately titling them
as "bonus paycheck months". At first it felt a little like
landing on Free Parking in Monopoly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">When I
"retired" more than four years ago, the financial piece of our life
puzzle obviously received a lot of review. Whenever we (likely all of us)
question whether we are able to do something that will significantly impact our
lives - take a trip, buy a house, quit our jobs etc. - the most common question
is if we can afford it, financially speaking. When I decided to leave my
paid employment to stay home with the kids, a number of people pointing out the
savings of not having kids in daycare. Fortunately, I had a financially
lucrative <i>enough</i> job where working, even with three kids in
daycare, would have been a net positive for our bottom line. Thus deciding
to stay home with the kids made us examine how we could scale back some of our
other expenses to make it feasible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Like probably 101% of
the rest of the working world, my wife and I are eagerly looking forward to the
day when we can actually retire. And not in the way that I commonly
utilize the term. Like a number of other working professionals in their
mid-30s, we've become increasingly intrigued by the FIRE Movement, which stands
for Financial Independence, Retire Early (for those who don't follow the numerous
FIRE blogs). The concept can take on a number of different looks, but the
underlying premise is to get to a point, preferably sooner than later, when you
have amassed a savings where the annual rate of return would cover your annual
living expenses. This makes you financially independent from paid
employment and you can choose to work if you'd like, but aren't dependent on a
paycheck to cover your day to day operating budget. To reach this magic
savings number, more or less those numbers people carried around in that </span><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDzUUJSgzyY"><span style="color: blue;">ING
Commercial</span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">, you can increase your
earnings, decrease your expenses or a combination of both. Hit that magic
number, and you're considered "on FIRE", just like draining three
straight shots in NBA Jam.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">While the FIRE Movement
has become a more recent phenomenon, and is particularly popular with a certain
subset of Millenials (kids these days....), the concept is certainly not novel,
and the "FIRE Movement Bible", </span><i><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://yourmoneyoryourlife.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Your Money or Your Life</span></a></span></u></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> by Vicki Robin, was originally published
in 1992. In the book, Robin views our relationship with money as ongoing
transactions of our life energy. When we work, we are exchanging our life
energy for the compensation that we receive for doing that job (and, as Robin
notes, likely not accurately accounting for all of the other things that go
into our job that also take our life energy). When we use the money we
are trading the life energy for the product or service that we purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">If you find yourself
adhering, or attempt to adhere to the FIRE Movement, a natural phenomenon is an
intense scrutiny of your finances. In her book, Robin encourages those
interested in reaching an early Financial Independence to track every single
cent that goes in and out. This provides a basis for which you can better
understand how much money you earn, where that money all goes, and how you can
make the appropriate changes to reach FI (financial independence) as soon as
possible. It's a daunting task, and can seem downright insurmountable if
you are in the midst of raising children and continually assaulted by the
child-rearing industrial complex that begins during pregnancy, continues from
infancy, and exacerbates into emerging adulthood - a development phase that
seems to get longer and longer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Most parents are
familiar with the oft-cited statistic that it </span><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/insurance/cost-of-raising-a-child/"><span style="color: blue;">costs </span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">on average north of $250,000 to raise a child from birth to age
18, not including any educational expenses. In reality, barring any major
medical expenses, raising a child can cost as much or as little as you want it
to. But it will certainly cost at least something - that $250k figure is
considered basically the essentials; food, shelter, clothing, etc. Some
FIers, like one of my personal favorites who sports facial hair to compliment
his financial blog name, </span><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/07/01/a-guest-posting-on-frugal-dad/"><span style="color: blue;">suggest </span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">waiting to start a family until you reach financial
independence. If you are hoping to raise your kid(s) on the more cost
effective side (a polite way of saying cheaply), it will take some intense and
constant push back against the normative culture of conspicuous consumption
that is constantly among us, and shines particularly bright this time of
year. And not necessarily in a good way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">As a free willed adult,
bucking the "earn, spend, repeat" cycle isn't too hard to
do, if its something you think will be beneficial to your general well
being. My own personal foray into the world of frugality, voluntary
simplicity, minimalism, forced poverty, whatever you want to call it, stemmed
heavily from my semester abroad in college. Having amazing experiences
while living out of a backpack, cycling the same few material items on a daily
basis, helped me realize that there is much more to life than the acculturation
of stuff. I returned from that semester vowing to avoid owning anything
nice enough that someone would want to steal. As I've transitioned to
parenthood, this notion seems in line with the idea of not being able to have
nice things because your kids will inevitably break them or color on them with
permanent marker - like our middle child just did to the back seat of our van a few weeks ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">Explaining a radical
concept like this to kids though, or trying to help them understand why the
adult figures in their life are so obsessed with maximizing the personal value
of their expenditures, provides its own unique opportunities and
challenges. Adolescence is essentially defined by comparing yourself to
others, and a bulk of those comparisons revolve around socio-economic
status. Even though most kids (and probably a fair number of adults)
likely have a hard time defining what "socio-economic status" is,
they can certain recognize who wears the brand name clothes, whose parent
drives the new car, and who lives in the biggest house, while consequently assigning values of coolness and popularity based on those observations. The notion
of defining your self worth in comparison to others grows with us into
adulthood and sets the stage for the struggle of "Keeping up with the
Jones" or the Kardashians, or whatever the last name is of the family
everyone you know seems to materially aspire to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">The underlying concept
of Financial Independence, as per Robin and other FI advocates, is to establish
a better relationship with money. One where your money works for you, as
opposed to you working for your money at a job that sucks more of your life energy
than you are willing to give. While the FIRE movement might have the
words Retire Early in the acronym, the notion is to really allow us the
financial freedom to expend our life energy however we feel most
satisfying. This might be working a traditional job, it might be
volunteering, it might be sitting on a beach drinking Mai-Tais if you so
choose. While sitting on a beach enjoying cold beverage sounds like an
ideal retirement, and really wouldn't require a lot of savings to sustain, most
people would recognize that you can only do that for so long.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">For my wife and I, one
of our main impetuses for trying to reach an
"earlier-than-we-originally-expected" financial independence is to
have more flexibility to make memories and build relationships with our kids,
each other, and those who are meaningful to us. While we were certainly
not financially independent when I "retired", it was a similar
thought process. Adjusting our financial needs to allow us to live the
life we wanted to live, while continuing to plan for the future who hoped to have. We are
incredibly fortunate that my wife's compensation allows us to live a more than
comfortable lifestyle while also considering a concept like early financial
independence. We could take a much more aggressive approach to catching
FIRE, and we personally know others who have, but we've consciously made
decisions to live well within our means while also placing value on what is
important to us as a family. Hopefully hashtags will still be a thing
when we finally do get to use the clever one my wife thought up, which serves
as the subtitle of this post. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">In striving for
financial independence, I hope that we are modeling a healthy relationship with
money for our kids. Helping them to establish an early pattern of saving,
and sharing, what they earn (through chores or lost teeth) and consciously
thinking about every purchase they make and how it impacts their financial
future. We're not reviewing profit and loss spreadsheets or making them
understand the components of compound interest (yet, at least), but we try to
be open about our finances, and money in general, as much as we can to
hopefully help them understand its finite-ness, as well as the positive and
negatives that come along with earning it and spending it. As challenging
as it is for adults to grasp the notion of delayed gratification, especially
given that the average American carries approximately $6,000 of credit card
debt, I hope our kids develop healthy financial habits early in life that will
continue into adulthood - and likely make them less financially dependent on us
when they are out our their own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">I recognize that one of
the main reasons we as a family can even consider a concept like an
"earlier than stereotypical financial independence" is that both my
wife and I were blessed to have parents who worked hard to provide for their
families, while subsequently modeling healthy financial behavior. Anyone
can achieve financial independence (and hopefully all of us do at some point in
our lives), but we certainly started in a much better place than those who
struggle to cover the essentials - food, shelter, etc. Neither of us came
from particularly wealthy families, but our parents worked hard to provide what
they could, while laying a framework for us to be better off economically than
they were if we followed their examples of hard work. They clipped
coupons and patched up our clothes. They saved for us to pursue
educational opportunities that would allow us to find gainful employment. They
sacrificed so that we could have the chance at a better life than they
did. This privilege is certainly not lost on us, and it's a particularly
salient point for me, as my parents are closing in their own retirement dates
at the end of this month after 40+ years of working to provide for my sister
and me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">For those who were not
provided that same level of privilege during their formative years, the thought
of socking a bunch of money into a tax-advantaged investment account with hopes
of an early retirement can seem comparable to proposing a trip to Mars. I
believe that our inability as a society as whole to live within our means, and
the collective cultural desire to consume more perpetuates the wealth
inequality that currently exists and continues to increase. If we can't
identify when we have too much, we likely can't identify when we have
enough. And because we never feel like we have enough, it leaves others
trying to scrape by considerably less than enough. We fail to recognize
the needs of others because we are too consumed with the pursuit of getting
what we think we need or deserve, based on what the advertisements and social
media posts tell us. This creates the conundrum posited by one of
my favorite late 20th century philosophers, Tyler Durdin, "we work jobs we
hate so we can buy shit we don't need."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">It's not a proposition
I'm too interested in entertaining, and not something I would wish upon my kids
either. Nor do I desire that our kids become "entitlemaniacs"
that expect toys with every trip to the store, or excessive numbers of presents
at every birthday and holiday. Not that getting your kid a gift for their
birthday or Christmas is going to turn them into a self-centered narcissist,
but if we want our kids to become caring and empathetic individuals, who are
more likely to succeed in life, we at times need to exercise some
restraint. And often the best of intentions can lead to the unintended of
consequences. Sure it can be challenging to ignore the constant whine for
something a kid desires, be it a new toy, candy, or more screen time, but if
you've ever shuttered inside while observing your child flip through a toy
catalog and point out what they want, which happens to be everything in the
catalog, there is no time like the present. It's okay to say no to your
kids. I'm guessing your parents said no to you, a lot. For some odd
reason, this concept often becomes lost on grandparents. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">I recently saw a social
media post that chastised parents who bought their kids elaborate gifts from
Santa - iPads, ponies, etc. By doing this, the author of the post argued
it created a sense of inadequacy in those kids whose families did not have the
means to give those gifts, much less make them seem like they came from
"the big fat man with the long white beard". Hard for a well
behaved kid who comes from a family below the poverty line to comprehend not
getting the iPad he asked for from St. Nick when his "top tax bracket AGI
and in the principal's office every other day" classmate got a new one to
replace the one that was in his stocking last year. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">Attempting to level the
Santa Gift Playing field is a noble endeavor - maybe we should require a $20
gift limit like the office Christmas Party White Elephant gift exchange.
Another option though, would be to raise kids who don't make exorbitant
requests to a fictional senior citizen who is supposedly able to deliver gifts
to the 1.9 billion good girls and boys of the world. Of course we could always come clean come clean on the whole Santa business. It may seem a bit cruel, but is it much crueler than Santa "bringing" some kid from the Naughty List a
pony and a kid on the Nice list a pair of socks? </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxemu_xFyThrvpNPDLpNS6tKbDSTEgka7iacYfQCBxQ22ndjSQ5Sg1wM3FqrP7in9VVQycxE08PqNEIbTU4aVaHtgjF-xasBtxp3BxP0ZI5NVXLHvuE_Q5H8JJS6jfwAV4zvZjGRXeDZE/s1600/santa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxemu_xFyThrvpNPDLpNS6tKbDSTEgka7iacYfQCBxQ22ndjSQ5Sg1wM3FqrP7in9VVQycxE08PqNEIbTU4aVaHtgjF-xasBtxp3BxP0ZI5NVXLHvuE_Q5H8JJS6jfwAV4zvZjGRXeDZE/s320/santa.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Add "Hey Santa, we've been really good this year. <br style="font-size: 12.6667px;" /><span style="font-size: 12.6667px;">Can you bring us a 25% return on our the family index fund?"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">Now, if you are one of
the (few) regular readers of this blog, you might be getting ready to throw out
your hypocrisy flag. Dude, didn't you take your kids on a </span><u style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2018/09/we-have-come-back-from-land-of-ice-and.html"><span style="color: blue;">trip</span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;"> to one of the most expensive countries in the world this
past summer. And aren't your girls involved in one of the more
financially committal after school </span><u style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2017/05/you-can-dance-if-you-want-to.html"><span style="color: blue;">activities</span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">. You are 100% correct, and the dance thing I struggle to
rationalize at times. But trying to become Financially Independent is not
about doing everything humanly possible to not spend money. It's not
about dumpster diving or going around to everyone else's table at a restaurant
and asking if you can take their leftovers home. It is about making
conscious efforts to reserve your financial resources predominately on what you
believe adds value to your life. It's also about preserving the resources
that you have in effort to not be wasteful, while considering how fortunate you
are to have basic necessities; food, water, shelter, that others wish for
dearly on a daily basis. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">Pursuing financial
independence doesn't require extreme deprivation now so you can achieve a
certain state of nirvana when you finally catch FIRE. In fact for
Christmas this year, we opted to purchase a family ski pass to our local ski
hill as our main present to the kids (and ourselves). In the end it will
undoubtedly be more expensive than purchasing them a variety of toys and
clothes, especially factoring in the number of hot chocolates we will
inevitably purchase throughout the season. But it was a purchase we felt
comfortable making, knowing that the memories we make as a family will beyond
exceed the cost of the pass. And hopefully not yield any subsequent ER
visits. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">My wife and I have
commented that not much will likely change with our lifestyle when we reach
financial independence, despite our ability to have more time to do those
things we really love. We've already make conscious efforts to integrate
those things into our life, and have taken the necessary steps to make them as
feasible as possible. As the adage goes, if you are waiting for
retirement to do "all the things", the likelihood of you actually
doing them upon retirement are pretty slim. For this reason, we often
conflate what we actually think we might need to reach financial independence
and free ourselves from the burdens of needing to work for a paycheck.
Also for this reason, I have zero qualms ponying up $500/kid to take them on a
worthwhile family adventure, but might think twice before springing for a new
$15 backpack each school year.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-34fwYXu20gse4pmZ7K1Toe1nP39m6bJ-EqM5cEX6uhDS__wenuO4OmI3ibmOt_ZkNhvVXE4cmdbrcTv3V9GOxCbAFdx3OSd8qewuwrqCwMe4rILqfW1FrH407NMKjYZs_K847sTT1e0/s1600/20180802_035446.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-34fwYXu20gse4pmZ7K1Toe1nP39m6bJ-EqM5cEX6uhDS__wenuO4OmI3ibmOt_ZkNhvVXE4cmdbrcTv3V9GOxCbAFdx3OSd8qewuwrqCwMe4rILqfW1FrH407NMKjYZs_K847sTT1e0/s320/20180802_035446.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You best enjoy that turkey and cheese croissant courtesy of Delta Airlines.<br style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12.6667px;" /><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12.6667px;">Food in Iceland is expensive.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">Like most things,
financial independence or actively seeking financial independence isn't for
everybody. Although, I have a hard time believing that statement
myself. I think we would all enjoy having a certain level of financial
independence, but fewer than all of us are interested in taking the necessary
steps to actually achieve it. And some of us have gotten so steeped in
the conspicuous consumption culture, that we've come to terms with the fact
that we will spend the bulk of our living years working to sustain that
lifestyle. The sad irony is making that choice tends to lead to a
life filled with an excessive amount of stress. Stress about never having
enough money to cover all of the expenses. Stress that comes with having
too much stuff in your possession which creates too much clutter in your
life. Stress about never having enough time because you are busy working
a job to cover the various expenses that come among with those possessions that
are likely adding stress and clutter to your life. I may not get out much
these days, but I've never met someone who has consciously decided to live with
less who seems on edge about life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">It's little wonder why
this time of year, where we often spend excessive amounts of time fretting over
the perfect gift for that special someone or that perfect outfit for that
important holiday party, tends to be equally the most wonderful and stressful
time of the the year. Yes, I used that exact phrase before, and will
undoubtedly use it again next year in a post. But we all know that it
doesn't have to be that way, and we all know what the true reason for the
season is, even if our collective actions tend to indicate otherwise. Of
course a certain amount of stress is to be expected around the holidays, and
the concept of overcoming that stress can feel rewarding in its own way. But if you are stressed out about what to get your kids for Christmas, if you get them anything at all*, consider pondering this question; "If money wasn't an issue, what would I get them for a gift?" Sure the answer might be abstract and likely unattainable, but that will guide you in the decision making process. If money wasn't an issue, I'm guessing a bulk of us wouldn't buy our kids what we will inevitably end up buying them. It seems crazily </span><span style="font-size: 18px; font-weight: 400;">counter-intuitive</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;"> that we would buy these things with a limited budget, just for the sake of them having something to open on Christmas morn. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">If you are looking for gift tips that might skew more to FIRE Mentality, you are welcome
to revisit my </span><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2016/12/tis-gift.html"><span style="color: blue;">post </span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">from two years ago. You certainly don't need to get me
anything, but if you would like to, you peek at my </span><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2014/12/my-sahd-christmas-list.html"><span style="color: blue;">SAHD Christmas List</span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> from a few years ago. Four years
later everything is still very relevant. But seriously no material gifts
necessary. Peace on earth and goodwill toward women and men is more
than enough.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt; font-weight: normal;">And now my gift for you,
as if my meandering preaching wasn't enough. If you are at all interested
in more concrete concepts of FIRE or financial independence, or just interested
in trying to simply your life (which typically results in a healthier financial
situation), here are a few recommended resources: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><i><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://yourmoneyoryourlife.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Your Money or
Your Life</span></a></span></u></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> by
Vicki Robin - essentially the FIRE Bible, and complementary website to bring it
to the 21st Century. Philosophical and practical advice all wrapped into
one<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><i><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Voluntary-Simplicity-Outwardly-Inwardly-Revised/dp/B002QGSXJ6"><span style="color: blue;">Voluntary Simplicity</span></a></span></u></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> by Duane Elgin - this book was my personal
introduction to the voluntary simplicity/minimalism movement, which is very
congruent with a FIRE Mentality. Pretty heady, but lots of practical
advice and nuggets of wisdom from those who have chosen to live with less.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.theminimalists.com/"><span style="color: blue;">The Minimalists</span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> - Two guys who made an award winning
documentary, wrote a couple of books, and host a podcast about their journey
into Minimalism and advocate for a simpler life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><i><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.frugalwoods.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Meet the
Frugalwoods</span></a></span></u></i><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">- Another great book
(and blog) about a couple's journey to Financial Independence. The book
is a great read with thoughtful and honest insight.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><i><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/FRUGALITY-Farrell-Author-Paperback-Frugality/dp/B004KFVYMY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1544493380&sr=1-1&keywords=the+new+frugality"><span style="color: blue;">The New Frugality</span></a></span></u></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> - A book by one of my favorite public
radio economics editors. It provides a very useful overview of how to
become smarter with your finances without needing a CPA.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-weight: normal;">Mr. Money
Mustache</span></a></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> - A great and
humorous blog from a guy (and his family) who achieved early financial
independence in somewhat typical FI fashion - well paying job, aggressive
savings and investment. Very candid and explores a number of well thought
out topics that can help make sense of FI, how to get there and how to life a
good life once you do. </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">*Kudos to you if you do a buy nothing Christmas. We're not there yet, but someday hopefully. #firegoals</span></span></div>
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jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-39755618714248901962018-10-11T13:27:00.002-07:002018-10-11T13:27:21.646-07:00Me Too, Part 2I was always planning to follow up on my <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2017/10/me-too.html">Me Too</a> post from last year. After some review, I realized I didn't offer up much, if any, advice on what we can do, especially us parents/dads, to stop sexual harassment and assault. Heavy on condemnation, light on suggestion. Given the current events and public discourse over the most recent appointment to the Supreme Court, now seemed like an appropriate time to revisit the topic. I'm going to try to avoid getting overtly political. Most of you probably know that I have a tendency to lean relatively far left, so I certainly have some profound philosophical disagreements with the Honorable Judge Kavanaugh. But having taken a number of Poly Sci courses, I respect the various branches of government for what they are, and recognize that a President with whom I have philosophical disagreements with is likely going to appoint a judge I'm not too excited about.<br />
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What I am going to touch on though are some ruminations that I've had as I've watched the nomination circus take place, as well as things I pondered before the circus even came to town. I can't even pretend to imagine that I am an expert on the topic, but here are some strategies that I try to incorporate into my approach to dealing with the topic of sexual harassment and assault, and some things I hope to do as my kids get older. As with everything I write about, take it or leave it for what it's worth.<br />
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1. <b>Not Sexually Harassing or Assaulting anyone, regardless of their gender.</b> This is obviously the most important, and should seem to be the easiest, but as I mentioned in my previous post, we're not always aware, especially us guys, of what constitutes harassment or assault. We can take Peter White's advice, but sometimes we get tunnel vision - especially if we're sporting beer goggles. Which is why number 2 is essentially just as important. <br />
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2. <b>Calling out harassment and assault when you see it and intervening when necessary</b>. Again, should seem obvious, as long as we know how to identify it when it is taking place. When talking about our dress code at work with my old employees, I used to suggest that if they weren't sure if something was appropriate to wear to work, it probably wasn't. I think the same can be true with harassment and assault - if it looks like it might be, it probably is. Once you identify that certain rhetoric or actions are unwelcome, calling it out and stepping in to stop it is certainly a whole other process. <br />
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After watching Burger King's surprisingly good <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnKPEsbTo9s">PSA</a> on bullying, I think my new approach to intervening with any type of altercation is to assume that what is taking place is actually staged for research purposes, with hidden cameras planted to watch my response, or lack thereof. Odds are it likely won't be, but it could be, and nobody really wants to be caught on camera being the complicit bystander. If anything, I figure my annoying curiosity of where the hidden cameras are placed could hopefully put a halt to any unwanted harassment or potential assault.<br />
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3. <b>Talk to your kids</b>. I'm definitely not looking forward to the sex talk with my kids. But it's an inevitable part of parenthood. I think you can start discussing adult topics in non-adult ways to introduce the idea at a young age, and hopefully make it easier to bring up later. While I was finishing up my previous piece on the topic, and my kids were yelling at me to get them a snack, I mentioned that I was writing something about being respectful to people (it was a subtle jab that they obviously didn't get). I then told my almost three year old son that he especially had to be respectful of girls. And I left it at that. Of course he didn't get it, but I figure the sooner I can start driving that point home, the sooner we can discuss the bigger issue. It may not be a fun topic to discuss with your kids, but it is incredibly important. As Peggy Orenstein elaborates on in her book, <i><a href="http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/03/29/472211301/girls-sex-and-the-importance-of-talking-to-young-women-about-pleasure">Girls and Sex</a>,</i> if parents aren't having those conversations with their kids, then they will turn to their peers and the media, not the best places you want teenagers learning about sexuality in my opinion. <br />
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4. <b>Allow/Encourage your kids to have friends of the opposite gender.</b> Studies have shown that kids who have opposite gender friends learn better problem solving and communication. Having opposite gender friends also helps develop more empathy and respect for the other gender. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/02/upshot/how-to-raise-a-feminist-son.html">According</a> to Tony Porter, co-founder of a Call to Men, boys are less likely to see women as sexual conquests when they have friends who are girls. <br />
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5. <b>Be in charge of what they are exposed to.</b> You are the parent, and you have the right to make decisions of what your kids are exposed to. If you think something advances stereotypical gender roles, and you don't feel comfortable with your kid being exposed to it, then don't expose them to it. Whether that be; Disney Movies, NFL Football Cheerleaders, Victoria Secret magazines*, whatever. It's obviously not feasible to keep them in a bubble, and you wouldn't want to do it anyway, but there is little incentive to actively exposing them to it. They will see it sooner or later anyway, but you don't have to force feed it to them. Just make sure you are ready to have the conversation about it when they ultimately do get exposed to it.<br />
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6. <b>Let them play with, and how, they want to play, but encourage them to have diverse experiences. </b>If my son wants to play with dolls, paint his nails, take a dance class, I will be more than happy to let him. Likewise, if either of my daughters want to operate power tools, go hunting or play football, I will let them. Well, okay, not the latter two, some of you may know my opinion on <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2018/03/dont-take-your-guns-to-town-son.html">guns</a> and <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2017/10/mom-was-right-about-football.html">football</a>. But you get my point. I'm not going to chastise my kids for playing with, or playing in a way that is typically affiliated with the opposite gender. I would rather allow them to embrace what their passion is, than try to stifle that passion by sending the message that "boys/girls don't do this/that". While letting them embrace their interests and passions, I would also encourage them to develop understanding of other's passions.<br />
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The Hjalli nursery schools in Iceland have been getting some <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/iceland-s-answer-gender-equality-compensate-differences-between-boys-girls-n912606">press</a> recently for their radical ways of educating boys and girls by compensating for gender differences - naturally some negative and some positive. Opponents tend to argue that separating genders and forcing them to work on developing skills that are typically more dominant in the opposite gender are unnatural. But having two young kids that are learning to read, that process seems pretty unnatural as well, and I don't think we'd want to go back to world with excessive illiteracy. If we view empathy and respect as skills worth learning, then they need to be cultivated and honed through practice. We can let our kids play with what they want, but we should also show them that there are other things that they can play with, and maybe they might really like playing with those things if they tried. I think this is especially true when it comes to items that tend to fit our current gender stereotypes. Which segues nicely to the next point. <br />
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7. <b>Let them wear what they want (for the most part).</b> I've commented before that I'm usually just happy when my kids are dressed. Period. Preferably plus or minus one season. If what they are wearing matches, or makes them look "cute" by the Gap Baby standard, fine. But honestly, my main concern is mostly clothed kids. Our 3 y/o son used to wear pink crocs. They were his sisters' old shoes and he could put them on himself. That was what matter most to me, not that they were a color that was typically associated with girls clothing. As I've mentioned before, our kids are going to find out, sooner rather than later (they already are starting to) what constitutes "stylish" as defined by our society, and how what we wear projects our status, or lack thereof. <br />
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I'm not interested in telling my kids what goes and what looks cute (primarily because I have no fashion sense myself) and what are boys clothes and what are girls clothes. Especially not if they are already dressed, and any attempt to get them into something that is more "social acceptable" requires hostage-like negotiations or a Greco-Roman wrestling match. Of course there are times to deviate from this principle, and you have the authority to exercise parental veto over what they are wearing (or not wearing) based on appropriateness. I'm also not suggesting that you force your son to wear pink tutus, or your daughter for that matter if she doesn't want to. But the point being to avoid trying to label clothing and styles and colors in gendered ways and projecting definitions of beauty and social acceptability that are typically rather arbitrary.<br />
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8. <b>Show affection to my kids, and especially my son. </b>I've commented to people before that one benefit of having daughters first was that I think it has helped me become a more affectionate father, especially when it comes to interacting with my son. Having had four years to cuddle little baby and toddler girls, it didn't feel any different to cuddle our son, even though he was a boy. Even now that he's approaching his fourth birthday, I'm just as likely to give him a hug and a kiss on the check as I am our older two girls. He maybe even appreciates the affection more than his almost 8 going on 18 oldest sister does. I recently read that no amount of affection that your show your newborn can be considered too much. As they get older, this obviously wanes with their general attitude toward your outward displays of affection to them becoming less enthusiastic. But it's important to set that base, as I think that models healthy and beneficial affection. <br />
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Human beings are social animals, and we crave that affection, and may even need it for our survival. As the Boss suggests, "just a little of that human touch." If we don't show healthy affection to our kids, and especially our sons, at a young age, can we expect them to reciprocate that healthy affection to others as they get older. Does it seem disturbingly correlative that we have a tendency to see boys as "tougher" and in need of less affection, when they also commit violence, especially sexual violence, at much higher rates than girls? While any excessive awkward hugs and "I love yous" I give to my son might not prevent him from ever committing an act of sexual violence, I'm guessing it probably won't increase the risk.<br />
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So those are just a few of my strategies for how I've going to try and raise my kids and approach the topic of sexual harassment and violence. I'm certain they are not fail-safe ideas, and there are likely other strategies that can be used as well. As I mentioned in my piece on firearms, I hope my kids are never victims of gun violence, but if I had to choose, I'd rather have them be victims than perpetrators. I think the same can be true when it comes to sexual harassment and violence. And unfortunately, at some point, given that 25-30% of women report being victims of sexual assault or attempted assault and 80% of women report having been sexually harassed, my daughters will likely be affected by this first hand. But for only as much as I can do to try and ensure that might kids are never the victims, there is much more that I can do to try and ensure that they are never the perpetrators. And if we all took that approach as parents, then maybe we could be less worried about our kids becoming the victims.<br />
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Since Kavanaugh </h4>
During the confirmation hearings for Judge Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Lindsay Graham (a conservative who I have actually found myself admiring from time to time) stated that he thought the Supreme Court Nomination process would be drastically different after this most recent nominating process. He said history would look at things before Kavanaugh and after Kavanaugh given how divisive the process was. Most of my thoughts above were ideas that have been in my head before it was even know that President Trump would have another Supreme Court vacancy to fill. But since that process started, some additional things have come to mind as I've followed the events and discourse of various people. Things below might take on a little more of a political bent, so you are welcome to tune out if you'd like. But I do think they merit some airing, so if you want to read on, please do so by all means.<br />
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During the nomination process, and following the allegations of sexual assault toward Judge Kavanaugh, the President often made the claim that Kavanaugh was considered, "guilty until proven innocent." Presumably this meant in the court of public opinion, which tends to be the case when high profile claims like these are made. I thought about this notion of "guilty until proven innocent" and decided this couldn't possibly be the case, as Kavanaugh was never charged with any crime or incarcerated without an opportunity to post any bond. His case may have been litigated in the public sphere, and in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, but he was never handcuffed and forced to wear prison issued clothing (like Paul Manafort was) and appear before a judge and jury. This is what typically happens when people are charged of crimes, and seems to challenge our judicial standard that someone is actually "innocent until proven guilty."<br />
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The other claim often made by the President, other Republican lawmakers and conservative commentators is that Judge Kavanaugh's "life has been ruined and reputation tarnished" by these allegations, which they believe to false (or mostly false). But as the lawyer for one of Kavanaugh's accusers, Christine Blasey Ford, pointed out, her allegations were made to inform the nominating process, not stop it. And ultimately Judge Kavanaugh was appointed to the Supreme Court, so he got what he wanted. Yes, it maybe took more convincing and combativeness, but to say that his life is ruined or that his reputation is tarnished seems a little drastic. As far as I can tell, his family still loves him, and the President that appointed him and the Senators who confirmed him still seem to have confidence in his judicial ability.<br />
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Of course, Saturday Night Life <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/tv/tv-news/watch-gop-senators-celebrate-brett-kavanaugh-confirmation-in-snl-cold-open-733955/">addressed </a>the topic of the Kavanaugh confirmation in its Saturday night episode. One thing that caught me from the satirical recreation of the Senate Republican's locker room victory party was Cecily Strong's portrayal of Maine Senator Susan Collins, and her comment that "It's important to believe women, until it's time to stop." Strong's portrayal of Collins underscored a sentiment I've developed since the Me Too movement started but without the comma. Every time I hear of an accusation of sexual assault or harassment, especially toward women, I find myself believe the accuser, whether those allegations turn out to be factual or not. We've become so accustom to hearing about sexual assault and harassment, and given the <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-45565684">fact</a> that about 90% of sexual assault claims end up being true, I've found I have little reason to doubt a woman who claims she was sexually harassed or assaulted.<br />
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Yes, there are certainly false allegations, and I'm not trying to make a judgement on who I think is telling the truth between Judge Kavanaugh and his accusers. What I am saying is that based on statistics and societal precedent, I have little reason to doubt his accusers. Thus I am going to believe the women until it's time to stop. Until our society alters its behavior and attitude toward sexual violence in way that doesn't make it seem like sexual assault and harassment is the norm, since it currently is for the vast majority of women. And maybe that is part of the reason Judge Kavanaugh has defended his innocence so vigorously, because despite none of us being there in those moments, history has shown us that it is very plausible that he did sexually assault his accusers. It would be great if we didn't have that conception, but until sexual assault and harassment becomes considerably less prevalent, a notion of "guilty until proven innocent", especially in the court of public opinion will likely prevail, and may not be such a bad thing.<br />
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One more comment that caught my attention in the past week was Donald Trump Jr.'s <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/10/01/trump-jr-says-wave-sexual-assault-accusations-make-him-worry-sons-more-than-daughters/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.1bde2eef09f0">remark </a>that in the current environment he is more worried about sons than he is his daughters. At first I found his statement to be rather preposterous, but then I realized that his sentiment is completely understandable given his life experience. I suppose he could be worried that his sons would be victims of sexual violence, as males can certainly be victims as well. Or maybe he is worried that his sons will someday commit an act of sexual harassment or violence, and he will have to reckon with that as a father. I'm guessing though that his worry is rooted in the notion that his sons might be falsely accused of sexual assault or violence (which we've already established happens in approximately 10% of cases).<br />
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I can certainly understand his worry. He's worried that his sons won't be able to grow up in the patriarchal society that he's lived in, where men can objectify, harass and assault women with little recourse. He's worried that his sons will grow up in a world where its not acceptable to speak <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/08/us/donald-trump-tape-transcript.html">openly</a> about being able to sexually assault women just because you are famous (I can see why he would be particularly concerned about this, as he's probably certain his sons are going to be famous). And maybe it's okay for us to be worried about our sons at this point, seeing as we've been worried about our daughters since the beginning of time. The Hebrews, the Greeks, the Romans - sexual assault, especially toward women (but they certainly liked their young boys too), has been a part of world history basically since evolution or creation or whatever you want to identify as the start of mankind. Maybe it is finally time for us to worry about our sons, since we've always worried about our daughters. We've told our daughters, and other females who are not our daughters; to never leave your drink unattended, carry mace and a rape whistle, dress less provocatively, go to the bathroom in groups, be vigilant because any man could be a rapist. We've told our sons to be nice to others, and maybe girls in particular, and just hoped for the best. Not considering that those rapists are someone's sons, if not our own.<br />
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So while Donald Jr. is worrying about his sons, I'll worry about his daughters, and my daughters, and his fiancee and his ex-wife^; along with every other female I consider a friend or family member. I'll worry about them until we become a society that gives me reason to not have to worry about them. Of course I'll worry about my son too. Doing everything I can to ensure that he develops respect for all humans, and especially women, won't guarantee that he never become a perpetrator of sexual violence. But while rates of sexual violence have <a href="https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem">fallen</a> by nearly 50% in the last 15 years, I think we can all agree that it is still too prevalent. Especially when we hear Me Too stories from our family and friends. We can worry all we want, but worrying about it won't fix it, and it certainly won't make it go away, which is another thing I think we can all agree would be a good thing. <br />
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*I've never quite understood the rationale of why Victoria Secret models seductively pose in attempt to sell women's undergarments to women. Oh wait, are they trying to create a standard of what constitutes a sexy woman, which I suppose would typically be defined by male standards, so women will purchase their product so they can also be sexy, in the eyes of men? I guess I do get it now, thanks for letting me think that through.<br />
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^I do genuinely believe that Donald Trump Jr. is worried for his daughters and the other women in his life, if his comment seemed to suggest otherwise. jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-15619426163305882522018-09-16T19:30:00.003-07:002018-09-16T19:30:40.425-07:00We (have) Come (back) from the Land of Ice and Snow<h3>
Police Escorts, Everybody Passports</h3>
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We returned from our summer family trip about a month ago, so we, in theory, should be full recovered from our jet lag by now. They say you need a day to acclimate for each hour of time zone change you make during your travels. For young kids, a week for each hour of time zone change might be a little more accurate. At least that's what I'm telling myself, so I can use it as an excuse for my kids, and my own, surly behavior at times.<br />
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As previously mentioned, my wife and I enjoy travel and liked to travel as often as we could before we had kids. We weren't (and still aren't) globe-trotters, but traveling and exploring new places has always been a priority for us. We told ourselves this wouldn't change when our family grew, but quickly realized the complexities (and added cost) of traveling with small people.</div>
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We've taken a handful of trips since the kids have been born. Some big, others small. Some have ended with smiles, others have ended with trips to the ER. In all they were mostly enjoyable, certainly memorable experiences. They always contain their fair share of tense moments - just slightly above our statistical average. Two years ago, we mustered up the courage to put our kids on a plane (don't worry, we went too). This August we took the plunge and made our first international family foray; an adventure to Iceland where our blonde hair, blue eyed kids would fit in like locals. </div>
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If Iceland hasn't been blowing up your social media feed the last few years, you might not think of it as a desirable location for a family trip. But thanks to its jaw-dropping natural beauty and relatively reasonable flights - both from a cost and time perspective, it's actually been a family destination hot-spot for quite a while. For us, it was a 6 hour direct flight, with airfare not drastically more expensive than our trip to the West Coast two years prior. Our trip was also mostly encouraged by family history; my wife's grandma, who is half Icelandic and always wanted to visit, and my wife's mother, who is a great travel companion and always up for an adventure (as well as a quarter Icelandic, obviously) were able to join us on our trip. The fact that it was a multi-generational trip made it that much more memorable - at times enjoyable so, at times more stressfully so.</div>
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Staying consistent with our previous kid accompanied adventures, this trip was certainly a net positive. It was an expensive endeavor no doubt, but totally worth it in my view. One thing I've noticed in my years of parenting (feels like decades at times), is that it is always easier to talk yourself out of doing things. Especially if the kids are involved, and even more so if it will require a significant investment - money, time, mental fortitude, etc. But sometimes you just have to; as a friend of mine encouraged on social media, "take the trip"*. The more accustom your kids become to engaging in such nonsense, the easier and, presumably, more enjoyable, it will be to continue to do so as they get older.</div>
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Like all of our adventures, kids included or not, our trip certainly had its fair share of hiccups. When I booked our flights, I opted for Delta's extremely no-frills Basic Economy fare, which lacks, among other amenities, advanced seat assignments. Despite my continued reassurances to my wife that no airline, no matter how bottom-line minded they were, would seat our 7, 5, and 3 y/o's next to complete strangers; coupled with the extra assistance of a very patient Delta Reservation Specialist assigning our entire group seats together upon our booking, when I went to check-in the morning of our flight, I noticed that we had all been redistributed to middle seats. My wife's voiced concerns had become, at the moment, frustratingly prophetic. Fortunately, thanks to some other very patient and helpful Delta staff, we were all able to sit together on our outbound flight. How they managed to swing this I'm not sure, as these same staff were simultaneously trying, very persistently and lucratively, to find volunteers to fly out the following the day.^</div>
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In all the kids traveled about as well as we could have expected them - we did set our expectations pretty low, so don't envision smiling, happy, reasonable volume using half pints. With our outbound flight being overnight, we hoped they'd sleep for at least a few hours. Our youngest two did for most of the six hour flight, while the 7 year old maybe slept a wink longer than I did, which wasn't much (even despite my free nightcap!) Luckily, Delta has opted to double-down on the in-flight entertainment experience, so when they weren't asleep, the kids spend 99% of the remainder of the flight in a zombie like trance stare at the glowing screen in front of them. I've commented before that traveling with kids is "any port parenting" at its best (or worst). This trip was obviously no exception. </div>
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It has been well studied that low expectations can directly lead to increased happiness in certain situations, and traveling with children certainly fits that bill. We saw a fraction of what we could have saw during our week trip had it just been my wife and I. That's okay though, because part of the allure of the trip was the trip itself. Being in a different place. Breathing different (and much cleaner) air. We you are traveling with kids, you are forced to take things slower, but at times this helps you appreciate the smaller things that are around you that you may have missed as you rushed from one Instragram-worthy site to the next. Somewhat unintentionally, we adopted an every other day strategy during our trip. One day we'd go and explore, the next we'd tend to stay closer to home, enjoying time together and doing things that we'd typically do at home. Sure, this can make you question why you dropped a hefty sum on flights and accommodations, but it's part of the process. As the kids grow, they'll, conceivably, be more up for adventures, and more physically capable of doing them. After one of our first trip adventures, to the infamous Blue Lagoon, our 5 y/o informed us that she wanted to come back to Iceland when she was 10 and didn't have use the mandatory water wings while enjoying the rejuvenating waters.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggRuJDdz4W59x7FsXC4dcigJsPnObz2PJH8-nDDQQ9c5Qiks_hOvDTyxehqrh-HSGVWwzwVj37CXixZ68hGPhmwlORX3S9duz1FivEO6V5aBpkAf5dUmrTWBGL-ESr_mYsc_GiV2dmvAM/s1600/20180802_124419.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggRuJDdz4W59x7FsXC4dcigJsPnObz2PJH8-nDDQQ9c5Qiks_hOvDTyxehqrh-HSGVWwzwVj37CXixZ68hGPhmwlORX3S9duz1FivEO6V5aBpkAf5dUmrTWBGL-ESr_mYsc_GiV2dmvAM/s320/20180802_124419.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Having a soak in the "waste water" from <br />Iceland's largest Geothermal Power Plant.</td></tr>
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The trip itself was an incredible adventure, and I would refrain from using the term "vacation" to describe it. The natural wonders of Iceland are beyond compare, and we only saw a small fraction of them. As I described it to some people, it's like Hawaii met Montana in Switzerland and never left. A volcanic island with glaciers and beaches (albeit black sand), an edgy European capital with random livestock roaming around the countryside. The photos that we took by no means due justice to the beauty of the landscape, even when it was raining or whipping gale force winds.<br />
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There are plenty of great logistical travel details if you are interested in getting more info, and I won't pretend to be a travel expert on the country at all, nor will I bore you with the minute details of our trip - even considering the many hours I poured over them. What I've noticed is that anyone who has been to Iceland will happily tell you all about their experience glowingly, and I always love to garner that first hand advice. The one piece of up front advice that was given to me that is worth relaying is if you are considering a trip to Iceland, start sacking away some money now. Getting there might be reasonable, and accommodations are comparable to other places we've traveled, but everything else - gas, food, clothing, etc. is crazy expensive. Our place (an AirBnB) had a kitchen, and we had some gourmet cooks in our group (not me or my wife or my kids), so we were able to save some stretch by making most of our own meals. But food at the grocery stores was still significantly higher than the US, which you'd kind of expect given that it's an island at 66 degrees North latitude. We did spring for the occasional meal out, which included the <i>most </i>expensive bowl of tomato soup I've ever consumed, eaten inside the very greenhouse where the tomatoes were grown. It was utterly delicious, and because it was bottomless, I think I might have gotten my money's worth.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiydZL9xzUn0LumQeTYVfwlA0OL-iYH2xf2-gYUCpC-fQf5SuhN84juoXdouhcFOlpGzNycdXlVibUINoRBFuLpL1dguZUM-HZkKHydNSrfcIwJwBeidoVbAKfx46LshkBFx6e868iNC4/s1600/38391290_10100697224035175_1173518806253830144_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiydZL9xzUn0LumQeTYVfwlA0OL-iYH2xf2-gYUCpC-fQf5SuhN84juoXdouhcFOlpGzNycdXlVibUINoRBFuLpL1dguZUM-HZkKHydNSrfcIwJwBeidoVbAKfx46LshkBFx6e868iNC4/s320/38391290_10100697224035175_1173518806253830144_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For a nominal charge (in comparison to the cost of the bowl of soup) <br />you can drink birch schnapps from a hollowed out tomato. </td></tr>
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Another money related tidbit I was given in advance was that you will not need to take out any physical Icelandic Kroner (their currency) during your trip. Every business, and I mean every business - even the farm that sells ice cream made from the cream, takes a credit card. Fortunately we found a few Kroner coins in the couch cushions of our AirBnB to bring home as souvenirs. Lastly, and maybe mostly important, make sure you know where the closest Vinbudin is and when it is open. Being Icelandic rookies, and unfamiliar with the state owned and operated liquor stores, we found ourselves wine-less for a few days - which ironically happened to fall over Iceland's equivalent of Labor Day, when it is common for island residents tend to drink themselves into a stupor.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirjiT0YnpdN7YTBTTEDNjlzApH7tEeQ-RS0k_yUBmuF9VeYsRDORNnBpNjsHBrXLK4eZ-s2APyLDIlTUAFhE3vCruZv7ssVdFe4VPv8ht25BUjZ4iRgCNlhov5dXHVwRgdm_eypYIekOk/s1600/38720847_10100699259541005_6324471091481804800_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirjiT0YnpdN7YTBTTEDNjlzApH7tEeQ-RS0k_yUBmuF9VeYsRDORNnBpNjsHBrXLK4eZ-s2APyLDIlTUAFhE3vCruZv7ssVdFe4VPv8ht25BUjZ4iRgCNlhov5dXHVwRgdm_eypYIekOk/s320/38720847_10100699259541005_6324471091481804800_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, even this farm, with absolutely delicious ice cream <br />made from their own cows accepts credit cards.</td></tr>
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While we were only there for a week, and our every other day schedule of sightseeing was somewhat limiting, we did hit up a number of the highlights. We ponied up for the Blue Lagoon, which was really cool, but I wouldn't do it again if I went back. Like most people, we did this right after we flew in, which in retrospect, might have been better to do just before we left (or the day before leaving depending your flight out time). We spent a day in Reykjavik, which seemed to the be the consensus from others of enough time to spend there - and it probably was. We opted for accommodations closer to the Golden Circle area and spent a day hitting up those sites - the Crater, Geysir and Strokkur Hot Springs Field, and Gullfoss. We passed on visiting Thingvellir, the site of the country's first parliament and spot where the Eurasian and North American tectonic plates are slowly pulling apart. I found myself less excited about visiting places that had names I couldn't pronounce. I was hoping to bring the kids to their first professional soccer match by catching a game of the Icelandic Premier League, but unfortunately we couldn't find one that worked during our trip.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhaMm3t1_ApeIP0C9T0U_uZRZMZd64zQ0I5GES3nvnryEWk71Sw31sT8y8Srw2gv0B33esKlgKylhIB1PKZING7dw4fhqpK8ZprNtvaCX1gA6-eCX9o5JzPG5BqJWNT3UUqBJx2m4G3Dw/s1600/38624383_10100697648075395_7565705597664886784_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhaMm3t1_ApeIP0C9T0U_uZRZMZd64zQ0I5GES3nvnryEWk71Sw31sT8y8Srw2gv0B33esKlgKylhIB1PKZING7dw4fhqpK8ZprNtvaCX1gA6-eCX9o5JzPG5BqJWNT3UUqBJx2m4G3Dw/s320/38624383_10100697648075395_7565705597664886784_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Obligatory family photo in front of one of Reykjavik's main tourist attractions.<br />It's a church.</td></tr>
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Our one huge day of travel found us venturing along the South Coast, and eastward to the Jokulsarlon Glacial Lagoon, with stops at Vik and various beautiful (but unpronounceable) waterfalls along the way. After an hour detour (each way) on a very bumpy gravel road due to some glacial flooding on the (one) main highway, it turned into 15 hour day, with 2/3 of that time in the car. We kept telling ourselves it would be worth it, and it definitely was. We had hoped to venture up to the Snaefellsness Peninsula as well, but figured we had tested our limits enough. Instead we hardly left our cookie-cutter Icelandic cabin the following day, opting for a soak in the hot tub while the kids jumped on the trampoline - two amenities that seem mandatory for Icelandic accommodations.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOfh50YIDVrOiauj7pbriivGzMvK8wkbkQKV3EwWk39kuyvXgTF9TvS89PLTIUrzyEEd62367eWMAZ1D3lfqThWorri8GSnsREJwQM4D4g5uQfXtGBPieBbTw82sdwUDSVSMwiRZhlLZY/s1600/DSC_0220.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1072" data-original-width="1600" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOfh50YIDVrOiauj7pbriivGzMvK8wkbkQKV3EwWk39kuyvXgTF9TvS89PLTIUrzyEEd62367eWMAZ1D3lfqThWorri8GSnsREJwQM4D4g5uQfXtGBPieBbTw82sdwUDSVSMwiRZhlLZY/s320/DSC_0220.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Still smiling after 5+ hours of drive time. <br />I don't think they realized we had 5 more hours to get back.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our AirBnB also came with its own gymnastics training center.</td></tr>
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One additional perk of traveling with your kid's grandma, and great-grandma, is that my wife and I actually got to sneak away for what one could possibly describe as a date. Our date happened to be a very early morning, relatively strenuous and excessively cold and windy hike to a natural hot spring in Hveragerdi (which literally means hot river in Icelandic). Because we were up so early we actually had this well visited attraction all to ourselves, which was amazing, but but did nothing to help me persuade my wife that real Vikings didn't wear swimsuits.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLXebg8PpGub2_gEeuXLyOn4BGJqzs9tH9sMPY9_aLuR50-PNude11SjEyfXAkg08zaXU5zvF-IIVD-tWjQx8a65pYR1GSrX-f6iezVm7-f7kxYQ7HH4_Cpvr-P4JNyfVOdZZ0cof7-2s/s1600/20180808_065642.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLXebg8PpGub2_gEeuXLyOn4BGJqzs9tH9sMPY9_aLuR50-PNude11SjEyfXAkg08zaXU5zvF-IIVD-tWjQx8a65pYR1GSrX-f6iezVm7-f7kxYQ7HH4_Cpvr-P4JNyfVOdZZ0cof7-2s/s320/20180808_065642.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Watching the sun rise over the mountains <br />while sitting in naturally occurring 105 degree water. <br />Pretty cool.</td></tr>
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By far, the highlight of the trip was the opportunity to connect with some distance relatives of my wife's grandma. We met what would be my wife's grandma's father's brother's granddaughter and husband (you followed that right?) for lunch one day. We were also able to have her and her husband, along with her brother and his family, over for dinner the night before we left. For my wife's grandma, who viewed this trip as sort of a historical family pilgrimage, you could see the light in her eyes and the smile on her face when discussing her grandparents and their family with other descendants of the same family tree whose roots date back to the 1800s. And likewise for the rest of us, who were aware of the history, but lacked that personal connection to it; the opportunity to have very genuine interactions with some real live Icelanders, made the trip that much more memorable - even if our kids could easily be mistaken for locals. It was this experience that made the trip particularly unique. Anyone can visit the sites, whether they can pronounce them or not. But not everyone gets a chance to share an authentic Iceland meal (pizza, lasagna and salad from CostCo) with people who have lived in Iceland their entire lives. They also came through with some awesome parting gifts for the kids, which was perfect considering we intentionally neglected to buy them any souvenirs.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg50t_c0C5U4-ywWqZDPXpwisv9lihV_KGYKqpw6WMXAHOycXIf8TboY1L9eBXToTatLBWnk8S6ADTClf7D4oEOwLPP6Q5D-1DT_wOx5cf-LQbqe2sWhXBjQPT9NgbVm-Pd6vitU03KFK0/s1600/38817955_10100699871095445_7932213371988869120_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg50t_c0C5U4-ywWqZDPXpwisv9lihV_KGYKqpw6WMXAHOycXIf8TboY1L9eBXToTatLBWnk8S6ADTClf7D4oEOwLPP6Q5D-1DT_wOx5cf-LQbqe2sWhXBjQPT9NgbVm-Pd6vitU03KFK0/s320/38817955_10100699871095445_7932213371988869120_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">By far the highlight of the trip. Connecting with distant relatives <br />and meeting real live Vikings - who looked a lot like some of us. </td></tr>
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<br />And so when we returned home, which we were ready to after a certain point. We've started plotting what's next. We have passports for the kids, and they're only good for five years, so we figure we should start filling them with stamps. Before our trip, a friend of ours (who also has younger kids) commented on how cool it will be for our kids to get their first passport stamp at such a young age and from a place as unique and beautiful as Iceland. Our kids are pretty fortunate in that already they have been able to take trips my wife and I didn't take until we were in our 20s.<br />
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But these are the experiences we want to have with our kids, and we will continue to work to make them a priority in our life. We hope that as they grow, they will see the value in these experiences and make them a priority as well, especially as they start their own families. We recognize that our adventures with our kids will not always be smooth sailing, and at times we might question what we got ourselves into. But we believe that the life experiences they will develop through these adventures will help turn them into well rounded, adaptable and capable individuals. We also believe that at some point they'll develop memory bias, like most of us do, and remember these trips better than they actually were. It's certainly what those of us footing the bill will be doing.<br />
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*Her comments were made in relation to her own family's recent summer trip, which, based on the photos, seemed similarly filled with smiles and tears like our trip.</div>
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^Had we not been traveling with kids, my wife and I would have definitely taken their offer to bump to the next day. We momentarily considered it, but couldn't find a reasonable explanation to provide our kids beyond the fact that it could have essentially paid for a trip. Kids don't understand that kind of macroeconomics. </div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-13581978794525625892018-08-18T05:32:00.000-07:002018-08-18T05:32:35.644-07:00Give Me A Break, Give Me A Break<h3>
All By Myself</h3>
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I love my kids, and my wife. I really do. I know when you say that it makes it seem like you don't, but trust me, I mean it. I'm incredibly fortunate that I get to spend as much time with them as I do. Every once in a while though, it's nice to get away, or have them get (go) away, and experience some good old fashioned solitude. Sometimes it's nice to get yourself out of house and go find a quiet spot in the woods to meditate, or your local sports bar to drink beer and eat wings. Other times though, it's nice to remain in your own domain without having to worry about providing for or looking after others. A king in his castle with no subjects to rule if you will.</div>
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Last month, I had two consecutive kid friend weekends, with the second weekend being followed up with two additional days free of parent duties. Again, I love my kids, but as someone who tends to spend an exorbitant amount of time with them (especially in the summer months), it was a welcome break. The first weekend, my wife and I actually got a chance to have a couple of kid-free days, and thankfully this time I did not take <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2018/04/guilty-as-charged.html">over-advantage</a>. It was about the midway point between our birthdays, and since birthdays as parents usually become a family filled affair, we wanted to take a night (or two) for remember what life was like before kids. Given our free weekend, we should have whisked away to some romantic B&B, but instead found ourselves spending a bulk of our time geeking out about our finances and the prospect that we might be able to retire early, or at least earlier than we thought.</div>
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The second weekend though was a classic bachelor weekend. My wife had taken our kids to her parents' for a baby shower (not ours, we're <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/03/mack-knife.html">done</a>), which meant I had the entire house to myself. The weekend was followed up with our kids spending a few days at my Mom's while I helped out my former employer, which became four consecutive days . With an empty house and no one to answer to, one would assume that I stayed up late, got up late, ordered pizza, and hardly left the couch. I actually worked most of the weekend in one of my various freelance hospitality gigs (aka bartending), partially in effort to stay focused on discussion topics from the previous weekend. Even despite my seemingly counter-intuitive use of free time, it was nice to have a couple of days where I could be on my own schedule, play whatever music I wanted, and play it as loud as I wanted - no radio edits necessary. </div>
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I had a high school English teacher who always said that "variety is the spice of life." He also taught me that hamburgers are done and people are finished, but that's (maybe) another topic. As parents it can be hard, and at times guilt laden, to take time away from active parenting. But it is completely necessary in my view, if you want to stay sane as a parent. Many of the books/blogs/articles I've read strongly encourage spouses to take date nights after having kids in effort to mitigate the <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/01/married-with-children.html">toll</a> that having kids takes on a marriage. Similarly, I believe it is vital to take those individual times, away from your kids, away from your spouse/partner, to do some individual reflection/sleep/Netflix binge. Especially if your role is one as the primary caregiver, and that care giving is your primary day to day responsibility*. </div>
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As previously mentioned, I often try to avoid drawing comparisons between stay-at-home parenting and traditional paid employment. But if you are working "9-5", as Dolly Parton would say, or "for the weekend" if you prefer Loverboy, at some point you get to punch out at the end of the day and go home (if that is even still a thing). When your primary daily role is to parent and support your kids, those responsibilities continue well into the overtime hours, typically without the time and a half. So every once and a while, you need a break. A day or two off. We all know that if you engage in a repetitive action for too long you are likely to injure yourself in some way. When it comes to parenting, too much uninterrupted child rearing is bound to have detrimental effects on your mental capacity and fortitude. I don't know of any peer reviewed studies, but the anecdotal evidence seems compelling. </div>
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You could even label your day or days off as professional development. Back in my younger working years, I would usually get the chance to attend a conference once a year (if the budgets were okay and I could sweet talk my wife into letting me go). These conferences were obviously geared toward learning about best industry practices and new ideas or resources that could be used in our office, but they typically turned into more of a "social commiseration". Attendees would gather to gripe about how bad their jobs sucked, often while enjoying complimentary beverages sponsored by a company who was hoping to get you to purchase their product. While I always came away with at least a couple of new ideas related to my work, the bigger benefit from attending those conferences was having a feeling of refreshment for the work, which may have been bolstered by not having to actually do the work for a few days. It also helped to know that there were others out there experiencing the same struggles that you were. </div>
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When I have those relatively rare occasions when my kid-rearing duties are non-existent, I often feel refreshed as a parent when I am back in the presence of my children. I certainly savor the moments of freedom, and try to keep the guilt at bay, because I'm pretty certain they are not thinking about me (maybe about their mom). But I also use those moments as a springboard to help me be a better parent when it is time to take back the controls of the family airplane. My parental fuse lengthens considerably when I am able to take those periodic breaks from parenting, and my appreciation for the amazing ways in which my kids (and of course my wife) contribute to my life grows. </div>
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Typically, when we shirk our parental duties for a day or more, the responsibility for looking after our angelic children goes to our parents. We don't get out much, and they live close enough, without living too close, that it works logistically for our kids to see their grandparents regularly enough (my Mom would most certainly disagree). When we send our kids to one of our parent's for a night or a weekend, I do tend to feel a little bit of guilt, like I am pawning my kids off on them. But I quickly remember how much our kid's grandparents love spending time with them, and how they would take them any chance they could get. We're very blessed that both my wife and I have parents who full on embrace their roles as grandparents, and our kids love spending time with them as well. I also think back fondly about the times from my childhood when I stayed with my Grandma, and the wonderful memories my sister and I were able to make with her. </div>
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Like most all things with parenting, and life in general, the key seems to be finding the balance. We don't ship our kids off every weekend, but we try to do at least one, possibly two date nights a month; and a full weekend, or even a long weekend, once a quarter. Is it enough, too much, too little? Who knows, but it has seemed to work for us. It gives us time to ourselves, and at times even our individual selves, without feeling neglectful. You have to find what works for you logistically and mentally, but it is important to make it work. Sometimes you just have to take advantage of timing. Part of my rationale for relinquishing parental duties for six full days in the last month was the fact that just after a four day stretch sans-kids, we would be embarking a week-long family trip that would encompass a lot of together time - more to come on that later.</div>
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It's natural to want a change of scenery at times. Occasional breaks from the routine can be refreshing - it's why we take vacations. If you feel like you need a quick time-out from your kids, or maybe even your spouse, try not to feel too much guilt about taking it. Use it as a way to recharge your parental and spousal batteries so you'll have more energy to devote to them. In reality, they might have wanted a break from you too, but just didn't want to say anything. Inevitably, if you take sometime for yourself, or sometime with your spouse/partner, at some point, you'll be ready to get your kids back and get back into parenting mode. When I hugged our kids after not having seen them in four days, I told them I enjoyed the time I was able to spend by myself, and the time I was able to spend with their mom, but I was glad that they were home. They said that the missed me too, but only a little. They were just having too much fun.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjR7e1onMaYdeCwodwV2NMcal_SNBlgklfxdiws4i9Pz-AE3olCgX9DpXzgvDldMy5_b7gg3hbuAuSWbLfdTOFBdl5qxwhkSVk8ZbG1zDCRl5WA-1M7Y2qhkgLXTfQoeCakBp8tiFXwJc/s1600/IMG_20160421_124200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjR7e1onMaYdeCwodwV2NMcal_SNBlgklfxdiws4i9Pz-AE3olCgX9DpXzgvDldMy5_b7gg3hbuAuSWbLfdTOFBdl5qxwhkSVk8ZbG1zDCRl5WA-1M7Y2qhkgLXTfQoeCakBp8tiFXwJc/s320/IMG_20160421_124200.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Everybody's going off the deep end."</td></tr>
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*That was a very roundabout way to describe a stay-at-home parent. </div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-1476447485359721202018-07-11T20:59:00.001-07:002018-07-11T20:59:12.291-07:00Life After Death<h3>
Can Somebody Anybody Tell Me Why?</h3>
It's July and our family made it through our first entire month of 2018 without attending a funeral. It had been pretty morbid start to the year, with us averaging about a funeral month through May. The first was actually on December 30th, but that seemed close enough. It also happened to land on our middle child's birthday, and fortunately she was pretty understanding of the need to postpone her 5th birthday part to celebrate the life of her great aunt. She was treated to a pinata later that day by her extended family, and this has seemed to smooth over the fact that we never got around to rescheduling her an actual party. More fodder for her therapy sessions later on in life I suppose.<br />
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Like sex, drugs and maybe even rock 'n roll (pending your music tastes), death is one of those uncomfortable yet unavoidable topics you will have to discuss with your kids at some point. Pending the closeness of your children to the deceased, the manner of death, and the age of your children, there are many ways, and no right way, to approach the topic. One of our child's teachers told me that she had all intentions of taking her kids to a funeral of someone they didn't know very well before they had to attend one of a close loved one. Not quite <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB7R14xBI6g">funeral crashing</a>, but an interest idea nonetheless. <br />
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The very decision to take your kids to a funeral can be a challenging one. If you're not a regular church goer, and the funeral happens to be a traditional religious service, the prospect of your kids sitting still and for an hour (or more) can seem daunting. Despite being semi-regular church goers, I spent the bulk of one life celebration service quarantined in a bathroom at the back of the sanctuary while our overtired 3 y/o screamed himself into a nap. I'm pretty certain his cries were audible by the back few pews of the church.<br />
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In the past, I've struggled with the decision of attending funerals myself, even sans kids. In a way it sometimes give me an odd, and likely incorrect, feeling like I'm imposing on the family. A few years ago though, I caught a conversation on public radio (because I'm old) discussing funeral attendance. The host made the comment that the philosophy in her house, as directed by her father, was that you always went to the funeral out of respect for the family. This seemed like some sound reasoning to me, and has helped me dictate my decision to attend funerals whenever logistically possible.<br />
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When it comes to deciding whether or not to bring the kids, I always consider what I think the person we are honoring might want. This typically means that whenever feasible our funeral attendance is a family affair. I did allow our two oldest to sit out one of our most recent funerals, as it happened to land on their last day of school, and it was logistically easier to not bring them. It also would have been their second funeral in two days. I figured our 3 y/o had enough ambivalence to spare him any excessive emotional trauma. He also didn't have a choice; since I was going, he was too.<br />
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With all of this exposure to death, it has certainly conditioned our kids to process and cope with it. They've seen deceased loved ones in open caskets. Our daughters, who tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves like one of their parents (I'll let you speculate on which one), usually shed their fair share of tears. Often times because they are genuinely sad, but also in part because everyone else is crying too. It just seems like the thing to do at the moment.<br />
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My wife and I never discussed a strategy to approaching the topic of death with our kids, or answering their curious and thoughtful, albeit at times inappropriate questions. We've tried to be as honest as possible with them, while also sparing some of the unsightly details. To me, this seems like the most humane way to approach death. It seems bizarre that at time we try to shield our kids from death and sadness in real life, while we think little about the situations they see in movies and on TV. One of my friends commented that growing up on a farm with animals that came and went helped him better understand that death is a natural part of life. <br />
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I am by no means an expert on the child grieving process, and while all the funerals our kids have attended have been loved ones, most all have been great-grandparents or great-aunts or uncles. Close family, but not necessarily family we see daily or weekly. Sad and unexpected losses, but most had gotten to an age or been fighting an illness where death was not unlikely in the near future. This has likely allowed us to support our kids through the grieving process, as opposed to trying to shield them from that grief. But I do think it is good, and healthy, for our kids to see us show our emotions as we grieve too.<br />
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While we recognize the sad and hurt that comes along with the loss of a loved one, one thing that we've tried to encourage our kids to do is is think about the good memories and traits about that particular person that they can show to the world. Personally, this has helped me during my own grieving process; finding solace in the memories of the good times I've shared with those who have passed, and identifying the ways in which those people positively impacted my life, so that I can try to do the same for others. <br />
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When my wife's grandma past away in May, our 7 y/o started making a list of the things that we loved about her. She had all of our family members, including her aunts, uncles, cousins, and my wife's parents, write a fond memory or something they loved about their mom, grandma or great grandma. This note made its way into the casket where my wife's grandma will be able to rest in peace with those memories and words of love. Of course at the top of the list, courtesy of our children, was how much great-grandma was loved and will be dearly missed because she always gave out treats. <br />
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Some of the most thoughtful words shared with me following the loss of a loved one came from a good friend after my stepsister was tragically taken from us at a young age. It was the one of the first funerals our oldest two attended, and had they been the age they are today, much tougher to explain to them. The words my friend share were a quote from Leo Buscaglia, who is often referred to as "Dr. Love", and have become my go to condolence when trying to find anything that might provide a remote amount of comfort to those mourning the loss of a loved one.<br />
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"I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by sharing their love."<br />
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If we keep these words in mind, I think, hope, it can help us weather that storm of grief that descends when we lose those we love. It might also help us to help our kids in understanding death. That though the people they saw every day, or even just occasionally, might not be physically present, their presence can live on in them and in others around them, and in the memories they have of those loved loved ones. <br />
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The loss will still hurt, and there will be sadness and tears. And we will struggle to help our kids process that grief and sadness, just as we will struggle to process our own. But as the minister presiding over the funeral of my wife's grandma said, those tears are a sign of love for the those we've lost. It's a sad reality that it hurts the most when we lose those we love the most. But it is a reality, and one we will have to face, and one our kids will have to face. If we support them, and allow them to support us, it will help us to continue living life. Even after death.<br />
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Title credits: (The disturbingly prophetic) Notorious B.I.G. and Bone Thugs N Harmony. <br />
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-86971493700724478752018-06-13T13:29:00.002-07:002018-06-13T13:29:26.467-07:00Snow Day<h3>
School's Out For Summer</h3>
Yes, it seems bizarre to title a post Snow Day, since we're now well into June and most schools (should) have started their summer break by now. But what is summer break from school in a state like Minnesota but really a three month snow day, minus the snow*. Some schools might have seen their summer break temporarily postponed because of the number of snow days they had during the winter. All curses toward school administration for not calling a snow day after that 12 inch blizzard are quickly forgotten when the school calendar stays on schedule come early June.<br />
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Growing up in Minnesota, I always remember having at least a weeks worth of cumulative snow days during the winter. Either times or the weather have changed, both of which are probably true to some extent, or my memory is fading, which is also likely true, as my kids seem to only be averaging about one a year, with maybe a late start or early out thrown in here or there if you are lucky. While snow days (or any other break for that matter) are always welcomed by the kids, parents certainly have mixed emotions about those days off of school. If you are lucky enough to be "retired" like me, and your school district has the foresight to make their snow day calls relatively early the evening before, your biggest excitement probably comes from the possibility of catching a few extra minutes of sleep.<br />
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I've commented before that one of the best things about staying home with my kids has been the ability to be on their schedule, especially now that they have entered school and gotten busier with school related and extra curricular activities. For households with two working parents or single parents who work, days off of school, whether expected or unexpected can be a harried experience. Pending the age of your children, and the flexibility of your work arrangement, it undoubtedly leaves a fair share of parents scrambling to find a suitable overseer for their children.<br />
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During the one snow day our kids had this past winter, I was chatting with our neighbor while we were out attempting to dig out from the previous snowfall. Both he and his wife are teachers and we agreed that we felt lucky to not have to scramble to find childcare for our kids. As we were admiring our good fortune(?), I casually made the comment that maybe a requirement of having school age kids should be that one of the parents work in the school, or a school, so that their work schedule could be somewhat consistent with their kids' school schedules. I know as I contemplate coming out of retirement once the kids are all in school, working a job at their school, or one of our district schools sounds pretty enticing.<br />
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Of course I know we all hate requirements, and I'm certainly not trying to suggest that all parents, or at least one parent in each family should become teachers, just as I've suggested <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/09/yes-you-can.html">before </a>that not all parents should be stay-at-home parents. I do think the notion of parental involvement in a kid's formal education has some merit, if done appropriately. As we've moved to the norm of a two income household, if there are two incomes to be had in that household, naturally it has become harder for working parents to stay connected to the formal education process. And as our community bonds have seemed to weaken, our connection to the social institutions, like our schools, have strained as well.<br />
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Increasingly it seems as though the educating of our kids has become something that we leave to the teachers and education administrators. We may do this in part because as parents we don't feel equipped to teach our kids the things they would learn in a school setting. It also gives us an out to complain about the way our kids are being taught, or not. I give special kudos to anyone who home-schools their children, as that must take an insane amount of patience, creativity and mental fortitude. And while I certainly don't think that we should all be homeschooling our kids, it would be incumbent upon us parents to think that we could, should Alice Cooper's prophecy actually come true at any point in the future.<br />
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Dropping our kids off at school, and leaving them to the teachers and various education professionals for the next 7-8 hours, it seems like another way in which we've tried to make parental responsibilities fit into the rest of our life. One of the central goals of a country, state or even a community would seem to be supporting the education of our kids. But often our collective societal action doesn't always fall in line with that concept. Two years ago, an <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/working-moms-longer-school-day_us_572caf31e4b016f37895779a">article</a> on the Huffington Post tried to make the argument that if we really cared about working moms, then we should increase the length of the school day. A former college classmate of mine, and incredible teacher, was quick to point out that she, like many other teachers, was a working mom as well.<br />
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When we were touring kindergarten open houses with our oldest, I vividly remember a particular school's open house, where the point was reiterated multiple times that just because a child was 5 years old, they did not need to start kindergarten if the parents didn't think they were ready. It hadn't really dawned on me until then that a common mindset when a child reaches 5 years old could be to get them out of the house or out of daycare. I found it a little ironic when paging through a Community Education Flyer and came across a series of classes titled Parents are Teachers Too. Considering how much time a child typically spends with his/her parents/guardians, it is well accepted that parents are the most effective teachers during a child's formative years. Even the best teachers have a limited ability to instruct, given the number of kids in each class, the number of classes in a day, and the number of days in a school year. A teacher's ability to make an education impact seems to be decreasing even more as it become more commonplace for teachers to spend excessive amounts of time dealing with student behavior management, something, if anything, that should be taught in the home.<br />
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And while we seem to be asking more and more of schools, both in the formal education process, but also in the development of individual character, communities tend to be supporting their schools less, and being more suspect of teachers and education administrators. Now it has become more the norm for parents to question teachers and administrators than to acknowledge poor performance by their child, which ultimately might reflect poorly on their parenting performance. Teaching thus becomes one of those "desirable" professions where everyone has an opinion on how it should be done and feels that they could do it better, but few actually want to do it, as <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/2017/09/18/where-have-all-the-teachers-gone/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.80a27d242adf">highlighted</a> by nationwide teacher shortages. You would think that such projected shortages would spurn us into collective action of wanting to recruit new teachers and retain the ones we currently have, or at least the good ones. But yet, this spring alone, <a href="https://www.heritage.org/education/commentary/what-weve-learned-teachers-go-strike">five different states</a> have seen teachers strike, or threaten to strike, over inadequate funding and resources^. We may say that we highly value teachers and the education of our kids, but what our actions really say we want are bigger houses, more Snapchat filters and faster delivery service for our online shopping.<br />
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Of course more goes into job satisfaction for teachers than a paycheck, and while most don't get into the field to get rich quick (if at all), there are a number who do it just for the summers off and have little to no business educating our kids. But when we lament those stereotypical outliers, we fail to recognize that we have an opportunity as parents to partner with the formal education system to make it better. If all we do is complain about bad teachers, instead of trying to support them to make them better or working with the administrators to get them out of teaching, we help perpetuate the cycle of a failed educational system. In a country like Finland, which is consistently ranked as the <a href="https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2017/05/why-finlands-education-system-puts-others-to-shame">best</a> in the world for educating its youth, the teaching profession is one of the most respected, has the most rigorous training process, and is compensated accordingly. The Fins also view educating their youth as a central part of their society and adjust other aspects of their lives to help support it. <br />
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If we want to make educating our kids a priority, we have to recognize that we as parents have to work collaboratively with the formal education system (if our kids are apart of it), and provide teachers with the support the deserve, both financially and from a social-emotional standpoint. We have to recognize that as parents, we are the most influential teachers in our kids lives. If we can't teach our kids basic behavioral skills at home, our expectations that the formal teachers in the schools be able to teach much reading, writing or arithmetic should be pretty low. If we view sending our kids to school, especially public schools, as a very inexpensive daycare, then we should expect to get what we pay for, which is very little.<br />
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We also have to realize that kids learn in a variety of places and in a myriad of ways. These include the formal brick and mortar schools, as well as our daily experiences and adventures. Because of this, we have a community obligation to teach our kids the skills necessary to live capable and productive lives. We can certainly shirk this responsibility, and leave it up to those with degrees and advanced degrees in education, but this will do little to fix an education system so commonly viewed as broken. It doesn't require all parents to stop what they are doing and apply for jobs at the local school, although they always seem to be looking for bus drivers. If we can't see our role in fixing the problems that exist, we shouldn't have much expectation that those problems will actually get fixed. <br />
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*At some point during the summer, as I'm attempting to lather up my kids with sunscreen, I wonder what is worse, working up a sweat putting all of the snow gear on your kids in the winter or feeling the constant cake of SPF 50 on your hands all summer. I'd say it's a toss up.<br />
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^Yes you can debate the merits and justifications for these strikes, but they are obviously happening. And given that we spend we spend about 2% of our annual expenditures on Education in a given year (less than the amount we spend on clothing!), you can easily see why. jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-35232983963199622282018-05-11T08:31:00.003-07:002018-05-11T08:31:35.692-07:00People Get Ready<h3>
"You Gotta Tell Your Story Boy, Because It's Time To Go"</h3>
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I was exchanging a few text messages with a good friend of mine the other week, as he and his wife are expecting their first child any day now. I asked him if he felt ready, and his response was "more or less". Coincidentally, it was the same answer he gave when I asked him if he was ready for the half marathon was planning to run this last weekend. I suggested that he should pace himself, both with the half marathon and impending transition to fatherhood, as long distance running and parenting tend to draw a lot of parallels.<br />
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After that brief message exchange, I realized, disappointingly, that was the first time I had really inquired with him about the life changing moment he would be experiencing in the next few weeks. A good friend, someone who I had traveled foreign countries with, someone I would trust my own kid's well being without hesitation. And me, someone who likes to think they are typically more attuned to the social-emotional state of affairs. Yet, despite knowing for seven months that he and his wife were expecting, I had neglected to ask him how he felt. And when I finally did, it was via a three bubble text message correspondence.<br />
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I felt like a pretty horrendous friend after that realization. What kind of friend finally gets around to check-in on someone a few weeks before his world is about to be completely altered (mostly for the good) to ask them how they are feeling. I have no doubt in my mind that my buddy and his wife, who I would also consider a very good friend, will be absolutely phenomenal parents. He's going to crush fatherhood, just like he crushed the half marathon he ran. But that certainly doesn't mean that he isn't feeling a whole range of emotions, including some that might be a little more unsettling. Talking through some of those feelings, however challenging that might be, can often provide a recognition that those feelings and emotions are normal for expectant parents. Especially when you can have those conversation with an <i>expert parent</i> like myself (please note the sarcasm). <br />
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In my view, there are two primary reasons, neither excusable, for the lack of support I felt I've provided to my friend. One is the obvious culprit of time, and lack there of. The other is the all too familiar gender stereotype that doesn't encourage guys to talk about their feelings, and often puts the father in a supporting role in the sci-fi, rom-com, comedic-horror, drama that is pregnancy and parenting.<br />
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We're all busy. When people ask me, "How we have been?", my response is typically, "Busy, although we never seem to do anything." When you have young kids, or older kids too I presume, it's easy to get into the minutia of the day to day - school, homework, activities, recommended daily hygiene, etc. It's hard to deviate from the path without anticipating some serious challenging parental opportunities^. Because of this, we have a tendency to get into our own little world, and lack the energy to have awareness of others and the things they might be going through. We ask, "How are things going?" as formalities, somewhat hoping the respondent doesn't dive into a five minute monologue about what has really been consuming their life since the last time we asked them that question. Ain't nobody got time for that, we're already running late to pick the kids up from school.<br />
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It's little surprise that a <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/05/01/606588504/americans-are-a-lonely-lot-and-young-people-bear-the-heaviest-burden?sc=tw">recent</a> survey of Americans conducted by the large health insurance provider Cigna showed that nearly 54% of respondents would be considered lonely, with 40% indicating that they "lack companionship" and "meaningful relationships", and feel "isolated from others". The report also pointed out that feelings of loneliness are much more prevalent in the younger generations. This is quite the juxtaposition, given today's technological advances where we can be hyper-connected to so much and so many, but still lack that deep sense of connection to others. We can have 1,000 Facebook friends, but struggle to identify a non-familial person we'd feel comfortable putting down as an emergency contact on our child's school medical forms.<br />
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And if we don't feel like we have time to really get to know others and do the work to establish those meaningful relationships, then we guys, who would do pretty much anything besides discuss our feelings, are certainly not going to take the time. Naturally, men and women approach the entire aspect of pregnancy and child-rearing in typically different fashion. Lacking the ability to actually get pregnant, guys do not get to (have to) experience the physical changes that go along with expecting a child and ultimately doing the physical work to deliver that child*. But this is certainly not to say that an expectant father's emotions and feelings about the pregnancy and his transition into fatherhood doesn't deserve airing as well.<br />
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Throughout the pregnancy and delivery of the baby, the vast majority of attention is focused to the mother, and rightfully so, as she is doing the brunt of the heavy lifting. But this also tends to color our perspective of those events as women-centered, and can often leave an expectant father wonder where his place is or should be. Expectant mothers get thrown baby showers and get to go shopping for a whole new wardrobe - yes, I get that pregnant women probably wish they didn't have to wear maternity clothes. They get to "nest" and have late-night cravings for ice cream - again, I get that those cravings come at the expense of morning sickness and overall uncomfortableness and exhaustion. Expectant dads, if they're lucky, have friends that will take him out for one last night on the town before baby comes. Something we tried and failed to do with our friend because we were all too busy.<br />
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I don't want it to seem like I'm bitter for not being thrown my own baby shower - I actually got a tool belt full of baby related products as a gift from my old coworkers - or getting to wear jeans with an elastic waistband. I'm just saying that our view of what pregnancy and childbirth, and subsequently most child rearing activities entail are seen through the mother's lens, and I think this can make it harder for dads to feel connected to the process. Even the child birth class we took before our first focused primarily on the comfort of the mother during labor and delivery (again, rightfully so). When the expectant fathers were consulted on what they hoped for throughout the process, most everyone indicated, wisely, for their wives/partners/baby mommas to be comfortable. Having never experienced a pregnancy first hand and lacking the ability to physically carry offspring inside my body for nine months and personally push that offspring out of an undersized opening, I felt my job was to defer to whatever my wife felt was the best course of action. "Get her any/all of the drugs she wants, Doc! Here's my Amex, just keep the tab open." <br />
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Even past the pregnancy, labor and delivery, and into the stages when a father can be more actively involved in the child rearing (minus the breast feeding of course), we still have a tendency to view our marker as a parent through the standard set by the mom. I feel like I get referred to as a slightly-above average-dad (in the aggregate) because I did/do a number of things that are commonly associated with the mother. I happily changed diapers, gave bottles, took the kids out in public, and continue to do a vast majority of things that women tend to do around the house, whether they are working or not. Don't get me wrong, there are certainly some terrible moms out there. And of course households without a motherly presence; whether tragically or intentionally. But on the whole, and is true in our house, the societal parental standard is set by the mom, and for good reason. <br />
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But maybe this is part of the reason it can be challenging to get fathers to engage in parenthood, because we are expecting them to act more like moms. That can be challenging to do when a father's experience through the pregnancy is very different. We might lack some of that connective feeling to our kids because we didn't carry them for nine months. We might not appreciate the challenge of parenting through frustrating times because we didn't experience the mental, emotional and physical exhaustion of labor and delivery. We can do our best to try and understand what it was like, but we only know what we know. And when we live in a society that questions if all <i>moms </i>are <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/sabrinaparsons/2012/05/12/time-magazine-asks-are-you-mom-enough-every-mom-should-be-offended/#377e8370443d">#momenough</a>, how can we expect dads to even compete. <br />
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A few nights ago, my wife and I were discussing how fortunate we are to both be home on most nights and able to put our kids to bed. If you have multiple kids, you're probably aware that the divide and conquer strategy is typically the optimal approach. But I think it is important, and at times refreshing, to parent solo. While you are forced to deal with every kid crisis yourself, it also helps you to develop your unique style of parenting, without necessarily having to worry about what your co-parent might be thinking. Don't get me wrong, single parenting has to be infinitely more challenging, but those moments when it's just you and no Super Mom to swoop in and save the day can lead to some profound resourcefulness.<br />
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Shortly after our oldest turned one, my wife took a girls long weekend to Chicago with some of her friends. I'm sure she was apprehensive to leave her baby, and worried about how I would fare, but it was a necessary rite of passage for me. In my own baby book, I remember finding a piece of paper where my Dad had documented a play-by-play synopsis of a day he spent with just my sister and me when we were little, and my Mom was enjoying some much needed time away from her motherly duties. Having those occasional times as an only parent has helped boost my confidence in my parental abilities, and it is something I would suggest that new fathers do once it is logistically feasible. We certainly all make mistakes as parents, and sometimes you learn better from recognizing your own mistakes, as opposed to being informed of your mistakes by someone else. It's also nice to not feel guilty about leaving the dishes piled in the sink after dinner for a few days.<br />
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As important as having those opportunities to test your parenting mettle while flying solo, I don't think anything is as vital in helping you improve your parenting game as just having that time with your kids, especially when they are brand new. I've commented <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/05/fml.html">before</a> on the generous parental leave policy that my previous employer had. Like dealing with a hangover and running long distances, kids just take time. A lot of it. And the more interrupted time you can spend with them, especially during the first days/weeks/months of their life, the more comfortable you'll become with your parental abilities, and hopefully the more likely you'll want to use those abilities in the future. This time won't ease all of your concerns, and it might just create new ones for you to worry about: Am I reading the appropriate books? Is this the most ergonomically correct baby carrier to use? Can newborns comprehend swear words at 4 months? I heard their mind is like a sponge.<br />
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There isn't much of a training plan for parenthood, like there might be for a half marathon. Unless I suppose if you work in a daycare or have a large family with significantly younger siblings. They always say it's different when they're your own. And It is. It's easier and it's harder at the same time, and for very different reasons. You can certainly practice with other people's kids, and we will gladly offer up ours at a discounted price. But regardless, being an expectant parent, especially for the first time, will bring on a whole host of emotions and feelings, both for the expectant mom and the expectant dad. While we are reassuring expectant mothers that those feelings are completely normal, and sometimes just hormonal, we should also remember that those expectant fathers might also be feeling similar emotions, and much less likely to wear them on their sleeves.<br />
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This is not to downplay the often insurmountable task that is motherhood, or advocate that us Dads of the World should unite to protest this weekend's next Hallmark Holiday. Moms deserve all the kudos they get, and much, much more. The Dad-joke that everyday should be Mother's Day is by all means true. But as Dads, our experience as parents is going to be different than that of a mother's. We have our own dreams, hopes, and fears when it comes to having and raising our kids. We might not want to talk about them, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth getting us to try. There is a good chance that if you get us to tell our story, we'll better know the reason why.<br />
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The below photo progression illustrates the increase of comfort in holding a newborn with each subsequent child. This corresponds directly with a decrease in head hair coverage.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie0eyIhV-2erWJdC7N5qI7TsNlgA8TL2XPRDZU2YdA1wcG21fZ1YuJ8EKngjThpRbP0Ip8Ob2xh3er65kJ44gN8TOlYdlgTtFhNLhjIennb0ZWl1Q3IH9IqGl1Qy0HlD4QQEMO4vK-HoQ/s1600/DSC_0609.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1072" data-original-width="1600" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie0eyIhV-2erWJdC7N5qI7TsNlgA8TL2XPRDZU2YdA1wcG21fZ1YuJ8EKngjThpRbP0Ip8Ob2xh3er65kJ44gN8TOlYdlgTtFhNLhjIennb0ZWl1Q3IH9IqGl1Qy0HlD4QQEMO4vK-HoQ/s320/DSC_0609.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Child #1:<br />Pretty Awkward Newborn Holding</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQsU_sWfnNaMNZAT3hluO8xB9aC0FxzkbptXdKsX_qllu4JrsYUJOoTF8cefzaESHl3oG3uZBHddR0cRthY0wMr6tgkCGqmIeJj7wwCyAyTwpJ7mlBZUHptbRmK2et5xRqaeiu-Gwn3fM/s1600/DSC_0025.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1072" data-original-width="1600" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQsU_sWfnNaMNZAT3hluO8xB9aC0FxzkbptXdKsX_qllu4JrsYUJOoTF8cefzaESHl3oG3uZBHddR0cRthY0wMr6tgkCGqmIeJj7wwCyAyTwpJ7mlBZUHptbRmK2et5xRqaeiu-Gwn3fM/s320/DSC_0025.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Child #2:<br />Slightly Less Awkward Newborn Holding</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbiYYM8A4JGTIvciE0ORBPO_jvXo6ybQ_yA0baBq_nEhMqoowUzEIbQ6xhAGKU84TxQZaNThpR4x50eK6ny4xembsIGbo-ROiPUn8OPrFtDcMX7Jey95dVLptp9aP9jOsNa8zcy0nZhtY/s1600/20141225_083132.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbiYYM8A4JGTIvciE0ORBPO_jvXo6ybQ_yA0baBq_nEhMqoowUzEIbQ6xhAGKU84TxQZaNThpR4x50eK6ny4xembsIGbo-ROiPUn8OPrFtDcMX7Jey95dVLptp9aP9jOsNa8zcy0nZhtY/s320/20141225_083132.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Child #3:<br />Seamlessly managing my fantasy football roster while holding newborn</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfuA7g2ow1-cjW5U2uSbWFN-wk4-xe4CBvXyJ1nrk-Rg3A4NN_QKPcaubUvZyqn9BG8nlpJt2HM3BGrhfUYNFJBLmXZ1JxY77aHFOuF6_RzcEMemX78mjN1Cib8TMz-FiS_12zoxme3Jk/s1600/169.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1072" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfuA7g2ow1-cjW5U2uSbWFN-wk4-xe4CBvXyJ1nrk-Rg3A4NN_QKPcaubUvZyqn9BG8nlpJt2HM3BGrhfUYNFJBLmXZ1JxY77aHFOuF6_RzcEMemX78mjN1Cib8TMz-FiS_12zoxme3Jk/s320/169.JPG" width="214" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My buddy Ben got his awkward newborn <br />holding photo out of the way with our first.</td></tr>
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^Commonly referred to as meltdowns<br />
<br />
*I've commented before that the book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Shit-Tells-Dawn-Dais-2013-06-04/dp/B017MYN13Y"><i>The Sh!t No One Tells You</i></a> was a good read to help me better understand the toll pregnancy and delivery took on my wife. Still, reading and experiencing firsthand are obviously two very different things.<br />
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jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-17305458945618859032018-04-22T20:38:00.000-07:002018-04-24T19:08:29.252-07:00Guilty As Charged<h3>
I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again</h3>
We're almost a month removed from the Lenten season, which means, if you're like me, you have consumed an equal amount of chocolate that you gave up during those forty days. I gave up a host of things for Lent, chocolate/sweets being one of them. I don't do it because I'm <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2016/12/in-god-we-trust.html">overtly</a> religious, but I tend to take some small pleasure in mild masochism. You could make an argument that all parents are masochists in some way. The whole point of giving up something for a period of time is that it's supposed to be a challenge and involve a bit of suffering. Sounds a lot like parenting.<br />
<br />
Along with chocolate, alcohol tends to be a common indulgence that people up for Lent. In fact, in 2016, based on a unscientific <a href="https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2017/february/what-to-give-up-for-lent-2017-twitter-top-100-ideas.html">analysis</a> of Twitter, alcohol was the most common thing that people gave up for lent. I remember going out with a group of people one night in my 20s, encountering someone who had given up drinking for lent, and having a hard time wrapping my head around the prospect. The religion that I was raised in didn't push giving up things for lent, and somewhat ironically, as I've become less religious, I've tended to adopt more practices that have a religious historical context.<br />
<br />
This year I did give up alcohol for lent, but it was a very knee-jerk, reactionary decision. I've <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/04/whats-my-age-again.html">commented </a>before that as I've aged, and hit my mid-30 about a month ago, I've gotten better at recognizing my limits when it comes to imbibing. Every once and a while though I forget that I have limits, and one of the weekends leading into Lent, I took over-advantage of being 24 hours kid-free. When the dust had settled, I found myself in a state I hadn't been in a good 5-7 years (and hopefully won't be again for another 10-15). My decision to part ways with intoxicating beverages for a few weeks were eerily reminiscent of those particularly bad (and thankful rare) occasions of my younger years where I woke up a following morning (or afternoon) and swore I'd never drink again. Only to have usually recovered by that evening and completely forgotten the oath I made to myself or God or whoever else I thought might get me through my hangover. As your years increase, your recovery time tends to as well, and it took me until Wednesday morning to finally feel recovered from my Saturday night antics.<br />
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As a parent, you have a whole host of things to feel guilty about. There are certainly no shortage of books and blogs and excessively long Facebook posts addressing parenting guilt. For me, the guilt doesn't get laden much thicker than missing out on time with your kids because you're nursing a hangover. Fortunately it hasn't happened that often, but the times when it has (mysteriously?) come about, I've felt like a pretty piece-of-shit parent. Being under the weather and unable to attend to your kids brings on it's own level of guilt, which is amplified at least 295^ times when that under-the-weatherness is completely self induced. Influenza S* as I referred to it following my most recent debacle. To add to the guilt, if your kids are young and clueless enough, they will show such sincere concern for you. As I spent the better part of a Sunday laying in bed wondering if I could convince my wife to take a sick day the next day, our kids would occasionally peek their heads in the door and ask if they could bring me anything to help me feel better. This only made me feel that much worse.<br />
<br />
So once I fully, or mostly recovered, I decided to give up drinking for a while. Or at least until we celebrated the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and hunted for some Easter eggs. I don't consume that much or that often, and I knew it likely wouldn't be the last time in my life I forgot those tenets, but it seemed like an appropriate decision given the timing of the incident and how long it took me to feel like a fully functional parent again. I can't say that I made it all the way through Lent without having any, but if you adhere to the allowance of a cheat day each week, I did pretty well. Definitely better than the chocolate.<br />
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I've never been a huge believer in guilt as a sustainable motivational tool to improve your life. I certainly think it has its merits, as it did in my case a few months ago, but I see changes, especially lifestyle ones, motivated primarily by guilt as ones that don't last. I believe wanting to do something because you feel better after you do it is more likely to create lasting habits than doing something because you feel guilty if you don't. Exercise and going to church are perfect personal examples. I don't exercise or go to church because I feel guilty if I don't. I exercise and go to church (most of the time) because I feel better if I do. Sure I may be motivated a little by guilt if I skip a workout or a Sunday, but by and large my impetus for engaging in those activities is because I know I will feel better after I do them.<br />
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I think the same can be said for parenting. It's easy to feel guilty as a parent. About everything. Guilty about not spending enough time with your kids, guilty about not putting them in the right/enough/too many activities, guilty about letting them wear the same clothes two days in a row, guilty about feeding them mac and cheese multiple times a week. But if we let that guilt be the prime motivator to try and be better parents, we allow it to consume us. We shouldn't try to be more patient and loving parents because we feel guilty when we loose our cool and yell at our kids. We should strive to be more patient and loving because it feels better to parent that way, and it's usually more effective (in the long run at least). We've all been guilt tripped into doing things, and we've probably all guilt tripped our kids into doing things (or at least tried). But we recognize how that behavior is temporary, until the next time that situation arises and we're dealt or are attempting to deal the guilty card.<br />
<br />
This is not to say that a guilty conscience doesn't have place in parenting, or in life in general. If parenting could truly be "guilt-free", my kids would subsist on flour tortillas and Dinosaur Train. Yes, I feel guilty when I've turned on the TV for them so I could get some personal time. But that guilt isn't the only reason I try to avoid the electronic babysitter as much as possible. I'd rather play outside with them, or read books, or do something creative with them that I can post on Instagram and make other parents feel guilty. I may lack the motivation to do those things at the time, like I usually lack motivation before a run, and it's really enticing to let them watch one more episode, especially when that's all they want to do. I know though that spending that time with my kids, engaging them and interacting with them, even if they are melting down the entire time, will make me feel more fulfilled as a parent. And possibly provide some good blog material. I also know that if my kids watch too much TV, they turn into complete assholes.<br />
<br />
So maybe it's not really "guilt-free" parenting that we're after. Maybe it's "guilty enough". Guilty enough to want to do better, but ultimately deciding to do better because you feel better from doing better. That makes sense, right? We're going to screw up a lot as parents, and we're going to feel guilty about it. It's a natural emotion. If all we feel is guilt for making those mistakes, we will continually make the same ones because we'll be consumed by that guilt. Real world parenting will always have a plentiful amount of guilt that can be felt. But just like masochism and intoxicating beverages, everything in moderation. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaHNEy_WwiL_qJl0BizuEXQETGERGwyIZcIHQL78FLGeealnzA4BJBC3asWMF4mCTcPBPF2mA95ouAFQaGCdpOYqavnajLWz-mKmP2gIQNkJhiss9u38ZFzGF7JSo1avrk5vc4nSDoXJ0/s1600/20170521_120142.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaHNEy_WwiL_qJl0BizuEXQETGERGwyIZcIHQL78FLGeealnzA4BJBC3asWMF4mCTcPBPF2mA95ouAFQaGCdpOYqavnajLWz-mKmP2gIQNkJhiss9u38ZFzGF7JSo1avrk5vc4nSDoXJ0/s320/20170521_120142.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I clean up their throw up after they get sick,<br />
so why shouldn't they reciprocate?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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^For some odd reason this is our 7 y/o's favorite number. Whenever she complains about something taking a long time, it is always 295 seconds or hours or years.<br />
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*Should stand for Stupid, but since we don't use that word in our house, it stood for Should Have Made Better Life Choices<br />
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jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-26661974208409698932018-03-08T20:06:00.003-08:002019-08-08T07:11:30.019-07:00Don't Take Your Guns to Town, Son<h3>
Wish That We Might, and Wish That We May</h3>
<div>
We're three weeks past the shooting that killed 17 people at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. By now, most of us have likely moved that incident from our "working memory". We may have already forgotten that just over three weeks prior to the Parkland shooting, a student killed two students and injured seventeen others when he opened fire at a high school in Benton, Kentucky. If our collective attention span of a current event is measured by how often we search for it via our favorite medium, some have <a href="https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/11/10/16633072/mass-shooting-texas-desensitized">suggested</a> that it takes us about a week to get over a mass shooting^ like the ones in Florida or Kentucky, or the one in Texas last November, or the one in Las Vegas six weeks before that one.</div>
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If you've read some of my earlier stuff, you may be aware that I am a self-labeled pacifist. I've never owned a gun (besides a BB gun) or even fired a gun, and have absolutely zero intention of doing either in the near or distant future. Ever. Thus, I was naturally somewhat surprised when I received a mailing from the National Rifle Association (NRA) a month ago encouraging me to become a member. My membership would instantly enter me into a sweepstakes where the grand prize was a cache of a dozen different guns, ranging from AR-15s to Glock pistols to some that looked like they were used in the Revolutionary War. The grand prize also included enough ammunition to shoot (at least) one round from each gun for a month straight for an entire calendar year. I'm guessing that my friends who exercise their Second Amendment Rights with much more frequency than I do may have been behind my receiving of the membership invitation. </div>
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Like a number of things that manifest from our developmental socialization, I was not raised in a gun-owning household. My Dad probably had a gun somewhere, we lived on a farm multiple miles from our nearest neighbors. But he never showed it to me and I never saw him use it. He didn't hunt, and neither have I. This is not to say that I never played Cowboys and Indians or Cops and Robbers as a young kid. I had my fair share of toy guns, and even that BB gun, but real guns where never apart of my childhood, and subsequently they have not been apart of my adulthood in way.<br />
<br />
Because of this, there is no part of me that would feel any safer owning a gun or having one in my house as a means of protecting my family. Especially considering that having a gun in your home significantly <a href="https://www.vox.com/cards/gun-violence-facts/gun-house-death-risk">increases</a> the risk of that gun killing one of your own family members, accidentally or intentionally. It also increases the likelihood of someone in your house committing suicide. Not to mention the empirically studied "<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-psyched/201301/the-weapons-effect">weapons effect</a>", that shows that the mere presence of a gun makes people more aggressive. For these reasons, I've made if very apparent to our young kids that our's is a household that does not celebrate guns or violence. On more than one occasion, I've redirected my three year old from using something in a gun-like fashion. Any "squirt guns" have been reclassified as the more PBS-friendly "water squirters". </div>
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This past December marked the five year anniversary of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut. I vividly remember the increased unease I had when hearing about this tragedy in comparison to other similar events. Sure, I was alive, and even in high school when Columbine happened, but as a high school freshmen, it was hard to imagine that anyone would ever walk into my school and start shooting people. Newtown was different though, as I now had a kid, and one more on the way in a matter of weeks. In a few short years, my kids would go to an elementary school, which, until that horrific December day, seemed like an unfathomable target for a mass shooting.<br />
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Following the shooting in Parkland, which had been the <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/02/15/us/school-shootings-sandy-hook-parkland.html">239th instance</a> of a shooting at a school since Newtown, a number of politicians, including the President, pointed out the mental state of the assailant and decried America's "mental health crisis". Critics suggested this was done to shift the focus away from the unique gun culture that exists in the United States, which is the only developed nation where these mass shootings happen with alarming regularity. I will agree that there are certainly issues related to mental health that need to be addressed to help prevent future tragedies. It's worth pointing out that those who want to place the blame squarely on mental health have done much to <a href="https://politics.theonion.com/this-shooting-isn-t-about-gun-control-we-refuse-to-pass-1819585076">exacerbate</a>* the crisis.<br />
<br />
But even if we could "solve the mental health crisis" (I'm not even sure what that would look like), or ban all of the violent video games and media, another <a href="https://www.npr.org/2018/03/08/591884059/trump-pits-video-game-makers-against-harshest-critics-in-another-made-for-tv-mee">scapegoat </a>of the those opposing any, seemingly common sense, gun control measures, we'd still have guns, and the primary function of a gun is to induce harm, most often fatally, on something or someone. Nevermind the fact that rates of mental illness diagnosis are relatively <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/07/world/americas/mass-shootings-us-international.html">consistent </a>across the developed countries. The US has a mental illness rate comparable with the Netherlands, which has a gun death <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/special/nation/gun-homicides-ownership/table/">rate</a> nearly 10 times less than the US. I'm guessing they also play their fair share of violent video games in Holland, including the popular <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killzone_(video_game)">Killzone</a> series games, which were developed there. Like the US, they probably haven't yet found a way to block all of the violence portrayed in Dutch movies and television (or those salacious American imports). I do wonder what gun sales would look like if we managed to get rid of all of the violent video games, television shows and movies, a concept I've become much more receptive to in my crotchety old age. </div>
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<br />
I recognize that getting rid of all the guns will not end tragic events like the shooting in Parkland. Having taking middle school and high school civics, I am well aware that the Second Amendment provides all law abiding citizens with the right to bear arms. I am also aware, having taken constitutional law classes in college, that no rights are absolute. Even the late (and very conservative) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia <a href="https://www.thedailybeast.com/there-are-no-absolute-rights">commented </a>in regards to his opinion of a 2008 Supreme Court Case dealing with Second Amendment Rights, that there are "undoubtedly" certain "limitations on the right to bear arms". As the only developed country that continues to deal with these types of mass shootings on a too regular basis, it's baffling, disturbing and shameful that we can't figure out how to reduce the gun violence in our country. Our obsession with guns is not the only problem, but it is certainly part of the problem, and in my view, a big part of the problem.<br />
<br />
After the shooting in Parkland, there was discussion about the need to "harden" schools, and the Florida Legislature earlier this week, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/07/politics/florida-rick-scott-gun-bill/index.html">passed </a>a bill that would allow certain school staff to be armed. Some experts have <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018/03/07/590877717/experts-say-here-s-how-to-prevent-the-next-school-shooting">suggested</a> (more than once) that this is the exact opposite of what needs to be done to prevent another school shooting. I don't agree with our President often, but I did agree when he "tweeted" that "No child, teacher, or anyone else should ever feel unsafe in an American school." But honestly, I can't imagine arming teachers or adding (more) metal detectors outside of school entrances doing the trick. Yes, schools should be a safe haven for kids, but shouldn't every place else; the park, the mall, the movie theater? Why stop with just the schools? Don't all of us have a right to feel safe in a nation that was created to "form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity."<br />
<br />
When our kids were in daycare, we used to get the occasional note home about a "biting incident". As sad as it sounds, I was always a little relieved when the note indicated our child was the one bitten, as opposed to the one doing the biting. I never wish ill will on my children, but realizing that bite marks and bruises heal in time always seemed easier to process than behavioral issues that would need to be continually addressed over time. It's a drastic, and somewhat (okay, very) sadistic comparison, but if, Heaven forbid, one of my children were ever involved in a mass shooting, I'd have to say that I'd rather have them be a victim than the shooter. The sad reality is that we can't ensure that our kids never fall victim to a horrendous act of violence. Shootings like the one in Florida three weeks ago will undoubtedly happen again. But we can, and must, do absolutely everything that we can to ensure that our kids are never the ones to commit those horrendous acts. If we all did that, then we could probably worry less about them being the victims.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhptQ8rpiUzWWwqpOdfZYPj6N2zypXPJa_YQodgRyLmYkQrphR53VXkTMPofqvHxRikrmdW3FeUwIv-05na3taymu1YPxstDgjbt_d2zxpLYyQmaTpC3GqJt8ZwPzSd7VxQv8bEcY4ZnoA/s1600/47b4cf36b3127cce9bb81cf88fb700000016108JcMmrVi1I.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="321" data-original-width="480" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhptQ8rpiUzWWwqpOdfZYPj6N2zypXPJa_YQodgRyLmYkQrphR53VXkTMPofqvHxRikrmdW3FeUwIv-05na3taymu1YPxstDgjbt_d2zxpLYyQmaTpC3GqJt8ZwPzSd7VxQv8bEcY4ZnoA/s320/47b4cf36b3127cce9bb81cf88fb700000016108JcMmrVi1I.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, I carried this toy gun when I dressed up as a cowboy for Halloween one year in college. <br />
I even took it to the bar and vaguely remember, in my drunken stupidity, pointing it at people in attempt to be humorous.<br />
Despite my antics, I was very fortunately not shot that night. Although I probably should have been.<br />
</td></tr>
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^The definition of mass shooting is obviously widely debated, but we usually know one when we see (or hear about) one, which we do a lot.<br />
<br />
*If you are unfamiliar with The Onion, please note it is a satirical news publication, and Paul Ryan did not actually write this article. But if you want to get an actual sense of how serious conservatives are about fixing the "mental health crisis" you can look <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/02/15/586095437/trump-calls-for-mental-health-action-after-shooting-his-budget-would-cut-program">here</a>. Or <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/trump-signs-bill-revoking-obama-era-gun-checks-people-mental-n727221">here</a>, among other places. </div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-42792757287193998472017-12-14T18:37:00.004-08:002021-05-04T18:27:39.116-07:00You Ain't Gotta Go To Work, Work, Work, Work<h2>
But You Gotta Do the Work, Work, Work, Work</h2>
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I've been at this stay at home parenting thing (and subsequently a world renowned blogger*) for over three years now. My current supervisors don't have a formal annual performance appraisal process in place, but they tend to be very good about giving me ongoing feedback. As they say, you should never be surprised about anything you learn at an annual performance review, as any areas of improvement should be pointed out on a continual basis, with suggestions for action items to help you improve on those areas. Believe me, I get plenty of these.</div>
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On multiple occasions, when I've told people that I am a stay-at-home parent, some have commented on how it is great that I have the opportunity to raise my own kids. I never really thought much about this idea, as we thought our kids were in a great daycare while we were both working, and part of my own hesitation for staying home with them was taking them out of that environment and subsequently learning all of my bad habits. As I've perfected this parenting thing (please note that was laden heavy with sarcasm), I've realized that there is certainly some truth to that statement. What I have appreciated has been my opportunity to raise our kids in the environment that my wife and I have created, which I'll, somewhat unfortunately admit, seems markedly different than today's norm. </div>
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It seems like the new normal for a family with dependent kids is a frenzied, stressful environment of rushing between home, school, work, and various activities. While we certainly have our fair share of stress in our house and do our fair share of frenzied rushing to various things, I've said before, and recently reiterated a number of times to various people, that me being home with our kids has reduced the collective stress level in our house. Just as kids pick up on the stress level of their environments, I think our kids have in turn become some pretty easy going children, at least when mom and dad are not around. Whether this is attributable to the vast amount of reggae music we listen to on a daily basis, I cannot make a definitive judgement. </div>
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Of course I've suggested before that being a stay-at-home parent is not for everybody, and focusing primarily on the children and domicile duties comes with its fair share of stress in other areas. This is also not to say that working outside the home has little merit beyond the monetary compensation that one receives to support his/her family. It does seem though like we'd (all) be better served with a little more balance, as hard as that can be to attain. Before I left my job, a colleague recalled a remark he made to his wife when their kids were young. He thought they should both work 20 hours per week, as opposed to him working 40 (or often more) and her not working at all. I agreed with him very much at the time, and still do. It is also a comment that my wife has often made, wishing for one or two days off per week, so that she could spend more time with the kids, while also being able to work and provide the Bruns Family Foundation with an operating budget. </div>
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Work is good, and it is certainly a defining part of our life in a lot of respects. Most of us (hopefully) feel a calling to do our work beyond just the paycheck (if we earn a paycheck for the work that we do), and find fulfillment in using our talents and being challenged. I've said before that as much as I don't like comparing "stay-at-home parenting" to a job, it draws a lot of similarities. I have good days, and bad days, just like I'm guessing those of you do who work outside the home do. Often though, we can really let our work define us and consume our lives, even when we wish it wouldn't, or we know we should try to find some better balance. I had the opportunity to go out for happy hour with some former work colleagues a few weeks ago. It was great to see them all, but as expected, once we covered the formalities of how our various families were doing, and what hilarious escapades my kids had been up to, the conversation naturally turned to work related topics. It was great to not have to worry about their work issues (that's what happy hour is for right, to complain about work), but I felt a little left out that I couldn't gripe along too. <br />
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Of course when us stay-at-home parents gather for our "playdates", a bulk of our discussion centers around kid related topics - school, child development, sleep schedules, the latest Odd Squad episode, etc. It's good to commiserate, but because we all parent in different ways and raise different kids, it can be hard to feel that connection at times to something larger. One of the challenges I've found with being a stay-at-home parent, and focusing primarily on child rearing and domicile duties, is the goals of your day to day can seem relatively abstract. Yes, you have concrete things that need to get done; kids dressed/fed/kept alive, house somewhat clean/not on fire, etc. But beyond that, and how you get to those various points, can be open to some pretty liberal interpretation. Fortunately, for me as a stay-at-home dad, and unfortunately (and unfairly) for the stay-at-home moms, the societal interpretation is probably even more liberal than it should be.<br />
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I found this past summer to be both my easiest and hardest summer as a stay at home parent. As our kids have grown, they've gotten pretty good at entertaining themselves, and most days this summer, they would be happy to go in the backyard and play with the neighbor kids. I was happy to let them, because I think that free play is vitally important, and it gave me a break from the unrelenting requests and questions that lacked easy answers. It was great that they would do this, but after a while, I would start to wonder what I was supposed to do. Sure I could do all sorts of things - read a book, fix a drink, write a blog, but inevitably I'd tend to gravitate toward things that seemed like they needed to be checked off my list, or added to the list so they could be checked off, providing me a measurable sense of accomplishment. This usually meant doing more laundry or spending more time in the kitchen prepping a meal that would cause my kids to recoil when I put it in front of them. My wife probably wishes it meant more time cleaning the house, but if there is any goal that is the most abstract when you have young kids, it's attempting to keep your house clean. <br />
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While we all seem to pine for a vacation, or even just a little free time from our regular live demands to do what we really want, when we find ourselves with that time, we don't always know what to do. This may be one of the reasons Americans failed to use <a href="http://money.cnn.com/2017/05/24/news/vacation-days-unused/index.html">half</a> of their vacation days last year. We want to escape the grind, but seem to secretly need the structure that the grind provides us. With our technological advances, even a day out of the office can easily turn into answering emails and taking care of work related things. I recently read a couple of books that discussed the paradox of how our burgeoning societal affluence has created a wealth of other problems for us - a perceived lack of free time and more work, the obesity epidemic, general dissatisfaction with our current situation, higher stress levels, etc. What was striking was how James Wallman pointed out in his book, <a href="http://stuffocation.org/about-book/" style="font-style: italic;">Stuffocation</a>, that we hit a point following the Industrial Revolution, where our society could have chosen a culture of contentment, which may have led to economic theorist John Maynard Keynes' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/business/2008/sep/01/economics">prediction</a> that we'd eventually be working 15 hour work weeks.<br />
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Obviously, we've instead embraced a conspicuous consumption culture, in which our own economic livelihood is dependent on us using things, discarding them, and buying new ones. It's not nearly enough to have a phone (or, should I say, mobile device) that makes calls, can take pictures, and surf the web, but we need the newest version to replace our most recent version, whose product life was likely designed to only last about a year. But of course, the cyclical nature of this arrangement is what allows for jobs to exist in the various sectors of manufacturing, sales, support, management, product development, human resources, etc, so we can earn money to purchase those products. I don't want to discredit the merits of these products, and the relative usefulness they can have in our lives. As Gregg Easterbrook points out in his book, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Progress-Paradox-Better-While-People/dp/0812973038"><i>The Progress Paradox</i></a>, technological advances have attributed to a lot of time saved (and lives saved) doing various day to day tasks. But I have wondered more than once, given the vastness of our technological advances, especially in the last 20-30 years, why 40 hour work weeks are still the norm. I've also found the concept of working 40 (or more) hours per week for 40 (or more) years to subsequently retire and not work anymore a bit bizarre. While some <a href="http://www.thehealthsite.com/news/want-to-live-a-long-life-dont-retire-early-ag0416/">studies</a> have examined a possible correlation between retiring earlier and dying sooner, I would hypothesize that any such link is likely due to the prominent role that work plays in our live, which might not be all good. <br />
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Maybe we could all be working 20 hours a week, or 15 hours, like Keynes suggests. This would obviously take a drastic change in our attitude toward our cultural norm of what work is, and what role it plays in our society. I would venture a guess that most working parents wished that they could work less and ultimately spend more time with their kids and family. We make decisions though on what we are going to prioritize, especially based on our most limited, and arguably valuable, resource, our time. When we typically spend a third of our day working and another third sleeping (or at least we should), that leaves just 8 hours (the remaining third for you fellow non-math majors) for us to spend time with our families, make meals, exercise, volunteer, engage in our hobbies that bring us additional fulfillment. Obviously, a vast majority of people work more than 8 hours a day, especially when you factor in commute times. Also obvious is that a vast majority of people do not sleep 8 hours a day, in detriment to our own health and well being, usually to try and cram more "productivity" into their day. I'll certainly acknowledge the fact, and if you've ever worked a "white collar job" I'm guessing you'd agree, that a fair amount of 40 hour work weeks don't always entail 40 hours worth of actual work.<br />
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Unfortunately, considering the tax code re-write recently passed by Congress, we've seemed to double-down (or however many down) on economic growth being best marker of the "good life". It certainly is the easiest to measure. Even if, as the President <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/09/26/trump-vows-tremendous-middle-class-tax-cuts-millions-jobs-with-new-tax-plan.html">contends</a>, the legislation can produce continuous growth of 4% and create millions of new jobs, claims that have been highly contested by many, will it make us any better off on the whole? It might raise wages, another concept many experts doubt, or create a new employment opportunity for someone who was previously without work, which probably won't make it any easier for all of those fast food places and gas stations who all seem to be hiring. But I can't imagine 4% GDP growth doing much to curb our rising spending on high care or increasing rates of depression. I'd certainly welcome a few extra dollars in my (wife's) paycheck. Maybe we could buy an iRobot, and decrease the amount of time I spend on vacuuming the house. Likely though, this would just give me more time to stress about other things, or stress about the fact that I don't have an imminent task to complete, causing me to question my purpose as a stay-at-home parent^.<br />
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This time of year, which tends to be considerably more stressful than the rest of year, if not also more joyous, seems to illuminate the type of environment that we've created. We will consume a lot over the next few weeks - both culinary and stuff made in China. To do so, it requires that we have the means to do such consumption, or the wherewithal to grow all of our own food and manufacture all of our gifts (homemade Christmas sweater anyone?). To achieve those means, or any means, it usually requires work, and typically that of the paid variety. The more we work, the more we can consume, but the more we consume the more we have to work. It's up to us to decide if this is the environment we want to be a part of. It can be hard to break the cycle, but as Tim Ferris, the author of <i>The 4-Hour Work Week </i>suggests<i>, </i>"to do the impossible, you need to ignore the popular." Decide what type of environment you want your family to live in. If it's different than start making some changes. It will take some work to put those changes in motion, but you might even get a promotion and you can do it from home, home, home.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well, the kids seem to be entertaining themselves.<br />
Guess I'll just tear some siding off the garage for the hell of it."</td></tr>
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*I've seen the Blogger audience stats, people have read this thing overseas. At least one person did. Once.<br />
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^Considering the infrequency with which I actually vacuum our house, any time savings realized from having a iRobot would be very negligible.<br />
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Liberal sampling taken from Fifth Harmony in the titles and final paragraph. <br />
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jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-926155575945917152017-11-16T18:57:00.001-08:002017-11-16T18:57:46.428-08:00Sugar, No Thanks<h3>
Candy Makes You Not So Dandy</h3>
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We're more than two weeks past Halloween, which, if you have little kids and took them Trick or Treating, you likely find yourself along the candy consumption spectrum somewhere between "completely consumed (with some parental assistance)" or "hardly consumed and essentially forgotten about." Our household is probably somewhere in the middle, trending a little closer to the "essentially forgotten about", or so I like to tell myself until my kids remind me that they still have a bunch of Halloween treats yet to be consumed.</div>
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We've had a busy fall, and I found myself having a hard time getting into the Halloween Spirit, which is unfortunate because my wife has become widely renowned for her ability to put together family themed costumes. I actually thought there was a chance we would get out of taking our kids Trick-or-Treating, as Halloween fell on a Tuesday night, the same night our girls have dance class. Apparently though, the prospect of getting free candy trumps the importance of having kids honor their prior commitments, or the ones us parents have signed them up for. I'll refrain from my customary rant on what seems to be the <a href="https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/halloween-candy-history-of-trick-or-treating">arbitrariness</a> of why we send our kids to collect candy on Halloween. Likely from at least a few strangers, something we've repeated told them not to do, and in disguise no less. October 31st does sound eerily reminiscent of another approaching holiday that has religious roots, but has, in my opinion, gone full blown secular.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Off to solve the mystery of how my kids <br />ended up with so much candy this year.</td></tr>
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<br />I don't want to necessarily come across as a huge Halloween Humbug. I have very fond memories of my own Trick-or-Treating adventures growing up - of course the Halloween blizzard of 1991, which is referenced at least a dozen times each year. But again, when you become a parent, you look at most things through your parental lens. I probably wouldn't be so hesitant to allow my kids to collect excessive amounts of candy on the last day of October if it didn't seem, at least to me, that Halloween could exist nearly every single day for a kid. The USDA <a href="http://www.parents.com/recipes/nutrition/kids/sugar-shock/">estimates</a> that the average child under the age of 12 will eat about 49 pounds of sugar each year, which more than half what the average 12 year old <a href="https://www.livestrong.com/article/364818-the-average-weight-height-for-a-12-year-old/">weighs</a>. <br />
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While the exact effects of sugar consumption are certainly debatable, it's widely accepted that too much is bad and we (the Royal We) eat too much. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a parent who could tell you with a straight face that they don't think their kid eats too much sugar. Even those health-nut parents who feed their kids nothing but kale and quinoa. The problem is that we live in a world that is essentially coated in sugar, and kids are sugar magnets. Whether it is the grocery store^, the bank, or even the post office (the post office!), I can hardly take my kids anywhere without them being accosted by "well-intentioned" adults (likely with their own kids) offering them free suckers or cookies. Even when I try to teach my kids a little altruism, by bringing food to our local food shelf or delivering meals to homebound elderly, they usually leave with fistfuls of sugary treats. And if a 90 year old grandma offers your kids some candy, no matter how far it is past its expiration date, it can be tough to say no.<br />
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Of course I've been complicit in my own pouring of some sugar on my kids, and not necessarily in the name of love. I've resorted to using candy and treats as bribes to my kids for a variety of reasons, the most counter-intuitive likely being giving them suckers to keep them occupied while I take them for a run in the stroller. On more than one occasion I've pulled out the ice cream or the candy bucket in attempt to stave off an oncoming nap too late in the afternoon. Mornings though, tend to be my most vulnerable. When your primary goal is getting everyone out the door with as few tears as possible, allowing your kid to consume sugar-laden cereals or toast with 4 servings of jelly per piece* seems like a battle not worth fighting. This morning, I actually allowed my kids to have a Reese's peanut butter cup as part of their breakfast - my compromise to discourage them from eating it last night at 7pm when it was given to them by (someone else's) grandpa. I figured it's essentially peanut butter toast with chocolate taking the place of the toasted bread.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, that was a bowl of chocolate.<br />Yes, it was eaten at breakfast.</td></tr>
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<br />We all probably want our kids to eat healthier, and some of us (probably most of you, not so much me) do a great job of feeding our kids healthy, well balanced meals and snacks. I'm guessing you've also seen the aftermath of when our kids have overindulged on too much sugar (or too much screen time). It's not pretty, and can be eerily reminiscent of the belligerent drunk. But rewarding (or bribing) your kid with candy (or screen time) can be such an easy out, and unfortunately, we parents don't make it any easier on ourselves. Once your kid sees my kid consuming a lollipop the size of his head, they are obviously going to want one too, and will probably throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming until you eventually give in. Well, you might not give in, but I would - hence the reason my kid would have the massive lollipop in the first place. Not surprising then that cases of juvenile Type 2 diabetes (the preventable kind) have risen at almost a 5% yearly <a href="https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/rates-new-diagnosed-cases-type-1-type-2-diabetes-rise-among-children-teens">increase </a>since 2000. Or that the number of cavities in kids age 2-5 increased by 17% from the late 1980s to the early 2000s.<br />
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This doesn't mean that we don't try to exterminate the sugar bugs, or at least keep them at bay. We convinced our kids to take a bulk of their excess Halloween candy to a "candy buy back", where kids could get a dollar per pound of candy they brought in. Providing some incentive for your kids to part with some of their sugary booty for some actually coins seems good in theory. But as I watched the bed of a full size pick-up truck being filled with taffy, Bit o' Honeys, and every other type of candy kids don't like, I couldn't help but think that maybe such events wouldn't be necessary if we just didn't give so much to the kids to begin with. I'm not so sure most of the kids even understood the main premise behind the "buy back", as our 4 year old wondered aloud why they were only giving out free toothbrushes and not treats. Of course I did my own candy promulgation when I used the collection of candy my kids received from various Halloween celebrations earlier in the week to hand out to the Trick-or-Treaters who came to our door on Halloween. I made absolutely zero attempt to hide the fact from my own kids that I was doing this, just as I've made it no secret that any remaining candy will be going in our daughter's birthday pinata this weekend. <br />
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Deep down we'd probably all like to be that parent, and wish every other parent would be that parent too, that doesn't bring in birthday cupcakes for class snack time or can host a family friendly bonfire that doesn't require the making of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlddDZkkxCc">S'More's</a> (or just the straight consumption of chocolate and marshmallows like my kids do). A few days before Halloween, I heard a <a href="https://www.traderjoes.com/digin/post/halloween-again-2017">radio ad</a> from Trader Joe's suggesting that people hand out their all natural, anti-plaque toothpaste. The ad made the unsubstantiated claim that four out of five parents prefer toothpaste to candy, but I would hypothesize if you actually conducted some scientific research, that percentage might be higher. Despite this, it can be really hard to bring ourselves to actually do it, even if we know that other parents would likely be appreciative (and hopefully want to follow suit). Not surprisingly, my suggestion last year to dress oranges up as Jack-o-Laterns for Halloween treats for our girls' dance classes was met with considerable eye-rolling.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I thought it was a clever idea.....</td></tr>
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In attempt to make myself feel somewhat better about my choices, I've certainly been duped by the marketing and gone for treats that sound healthy, or could be construed as healthy. This year I noticed that the packaging of a Ring Pop lets you know that it is both nut and gluten free, as though it is some sort of healthier alternative to other products that contain either or both of those things. Spoiler alert though, organic fruit snacks have the exact same nutritional value as those classic dinos and sharks (or the Scoody Doo fruit snacks we gave out this year). You can also always opt for a non-food item, like those plastic spider rings, temporary tattoos or anything else from the Oriental Trading post that has a 110% chance of ending up in the garbage. At a certain point I find myself having zero qualms even throwing away any candy that remains in our house due to either our kid's bad behavior or them just seeming to have forgotten about it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wait, this thing is nut free and gluten free?<br />Let me have a taste.</td></tr>
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Obviously if you can keep the candy out of your house, you decrease their ability to consume it, at least when they are in your presence of course. But like most acceptable behavior we want our kids to engage in, if we don't model that behavior ourselves, we can't expect much from them. A few years ago, someone told me that they do "no treats" November to combat the prevalence of sugar-filled holidays this time of year. It seemed like a wise, if not masochistic, undertaking, so this year my wife and I are giving it a whirl. I tell you this not to try and impress you, but so that if we happen to find ourselves in each other's company, and I'm housing a bag of family size Peanut Butter M&Ms, you'll call me on my shit. While public shaming might <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/longing-nostalgia/201705/why-shaming-doesnt-work">not</a> always work, I could certainly see it being warranted in my case.<br />
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Personally, cutting back my own sugar consumption has become a necessary evil as I've aged and my #dadbod has become more prolific. I have a pretty serious sweet tooth, as exhibited by the abundance of a particular precious metal in my mouth. Eating sugar laden things becomes a slippery slope for me, and I've found that it is easier for me to abstain completely, then to try to limit myself, which ultimately turns into consuming the entire row of Oreos. I can't pretend that I'll be able to, or want to, cut out all of the sugar from my diet, or that using natural sweeteners like honey or maple syrup instead are inherently any better for my health. And while we can have a complex, and somewhat unnecessary, conversation about the merits of agricultural price supports, as doctor and author James Hamblin points out in his book, <i><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/video/series/if-our-bodies-could-talk/">If Our Bodies Could Talk</a></i>, he's never heard of anyone using US ag policy as a basis for a diet.<br />
<br />
Hopefully, beyond any potential health benefits that I might (conceivably) gain from trying to limit my own sugar intake, my kids might pick up on some healthier eating habits too. It's unrealistic to assume that we'll become a sugar free household, and I'll still do my fair share of giving them sugar to keep them awake when I should have been more forceful about making them nap earlier in the day. But hopefully, when they offer me a bite of their ice cream, and I routinely tell them I can't, it will resonate after a while. Or I suppose they'll just stop trying to be generous. If anything, trying not to eat sweets myself while limit the number of times I suggest to the kids that we head to the bakery for donuts, or go to the Dairy Queen to make use of the free ice cream cone certificates they got from the local police for wearing their bike helmets. It may also mean that if you come over to our house for dinner, we might not be serving a customary dessert. I'll completely understand if you want to decline any future invitations. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpVxmugZO0xb838GxlGNwR24NYmpdrI696EkSjnUryxATknvHUPJNvSqh6Ttz6BK0GvOvBhKF9DMP2BeC0DB1Sw8PmsI-tOmm3D6h9B0ITjOzdLwmrHQn-JseK4iv_ZkxpKNsIm9InA40/s1600/20160718_191549.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpVxmugZO0xb838GxlGNwR24NYmpdrI696EkSjnUryxATknvHUPJNvSqh6Ttz6BK0GvOvBhKF9DMP2BeC0DB1Sw8PmsI-tOmm3D6h9B0ITjOzdLwmrHQn-JseK4iv_ZkxpKNsIm9InA40/s320/20160718_191549.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm all for encouraging kids to wear their helmet while riding their bike,<br />but do they have to get free ice cream when they get "caught" doing it?<br />You'd think keeping your head intact would be reward enough.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /> <br />
^Aldi being the exception of course, which is another reason why I f#@&ing love that place.</div>
<div>
<br />
*I recently started purchasing the "low sugar" jelly to attempt to combat this.</div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-5803406408246988042017-10-26T21:50:00.000-07:002017-10-27T06:14:36.790-07:00Me Too<h3>
Of Course, Me Too</h3>
If you don't spend a lot of time on Facebook or Twitter, then you may not have been aware of the recent prominence of the hashtag #metoo. In light of the flood of allegations of sexual assault and harassment by Harvey Weinstein, actress Alyssa Milano encouraged sexual harassment and assault victims to use on social media to come forward with their own stories. The goal of the campaign, which was actually <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-me-too-campaign-was-created-by-a-black-woman-10-years-ago_us_59e61a7fe4b02a215b336fee">started </a>before hashtags even existed, was to raise awareness of the sheer number of people, especially women, who have been victims of sexual harassment and assault. Sadly, the odds are high you probably know someone who used the hashtag, or even worse, used it yourself. On the day of Milano's tweet, the hashtag was used <a href="http://mashable.com/2017/10/16/me-too-hashtag-popularity/#r9KbCGHfRiqV">more </a>than 100,000 times. <br />
<br />
While sexual harassment and assault can happen between any dynamic of people, we most commonly think of it as women being sexually harassed and assaulted by men. Yes, men can be sexually harassed and assaulted by women, as well as other men. Women can also be sexually harassed and assaulted by other women. Transgender and those who do not eschew to the gender binary can be sexually harassed and assaulted by men, women or other trans individuals. They can also obviously be the ones doing the harassing. But given the precedence of high profile men or groups of men committing the disturbing acts, our stereotypical view of sexual harassment and assault is understandable. The sheer number of victims sharing stories and using the hashtag tends doesn't do much to challenge that view.<br />
<br />
I did not Tweet or use the hashtag #metoo, although I likely could have in its suggested context. Even if you are a straight guy like me, odds are you have been sexually harassed or assaulted at some point in your life - likely by your male peers in a locker room or as part of some hazing ritual. Or, as has happened to me before, by someone whose sexual orientation is different than your own. That certainly happens, and it should not be tolerated any more than the widespread sexual harassment and assault that women endure on a daily basis. If I thought long enough, I could probably also recall a time when I was sexually harassed, and maybe even assaulted, by a woman. Even despite my #dadbod, I've been "cat-called" or had my ass grabbed without my consent. Likely when I was mistaken for someone considerably more attractive.<br />
<br />
When I first read about the #metoo campaign, I wondered if a potentially more powerful and probably more insightful use of the hashtag would be having those of us, especially us men, acknowledge the times that we've been the perpetrators of sexual harassment and sexual assault. If that was the case, then I have to admit that I would be using the hashtag. My guess is that if you are a guy, and you thought long and hard and really considered what sexual harassment and sexual assault can consist of, you probably would have to use it too. Apparently I was not the only one who has had a similar <a href="https://twitter.com/conjukate/status/919947169565675521">thought</a>. Not long after the #MeToo campaign came out, a <a href="https://www.teenvogue.com/story/men-tweeting-how-i-will-change-me-too-social-media-campaign">#HowIWillChange</a> campaign encouraged men to take some onus on stopping sexual assault and harassment. As with seemingly everything today, it was also immediately met with its own <a href="https://www.dailydot.com/irl/metoo-men-sexual-assault/">criticism</a>. <br />
<br />
While the #MeToo campaign has certainly raised more awareness of the issue, it's tough to predict what impact, if any, it will have decreasing sexual harassment and sexual assault, especially in the stereotypical view of which we think of it - men as the perpetrators and women as the victims. Especially considering that a <a href="http://www.philly.com/philly/news/metoo-hashtag-sexual-assault-milano-20171016.html">number</a> of anti-sexual assault/harassment PR campaigns have existed since the 1970s. Some people, especially men, have commented on the personal nature of the #MeToo campaign. We hear about the high profile cases that become public, but #MeToo has given all victims (another) platform for sharing their stories - which can easily include our own family, friends, neighbors and coworkers. The fact that we should be surprised that someone we personally know has been a victim of sexual harassment or assault shows our complete obliviousness to the magnitude of the problem, given the staggering <a href="https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence">statistics</a> that 1 out of 6 women in America will be the victim of rape or an attempted rape. Non-scientific, conservative guesstimates put the percentage of women who will be sexually harassed at least once in their life at 105% (margin of error 3%). <br />
<br />
I became aware of my own predatory behavior a few years ago while reading Michael Kimmel's book, <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Guyland-Perilous-World-Where-Become/dp/0060831359">Guyland</a>. </i>A prominent voice on men, masculinity and the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, especially on college campuses, Kimmel's book made me see that my own behavior at times could easily classify as sexual harassment or even sexual assault. Granted most of those incidents happened under the influence of mind-altering chemicals, but just as consent can never be given while intoxicated, at least in some states, intoxication cannot be used as a justification for committing sexual harassment or assault. Even before my days of imbibing, which I'm somewhat ashamed to admit started much earlier than they should have, my raging pubescent hormones and desire to prove myself to my peers, and myself by way of my peers judgment, led me to misogynistic behavior that probably should have landed me a short stay in a juvenile detention center. Herd mentality being about as legitimate an excuse as drunken stupidity.<br />
<br />
Since becoming a parent, I tend to look at social issues, especially the unsavory ones, through the lens of its impact on my kids. I do not want my kids, especially my daughters, to be victims of sexual harassment or sexual assault. But at this point, the statistics don't look very promising. The fact that their mother is incredibly attractive does little to ease my concerns. Equally though, I do not want my kids, especially my son, to be perpetrators of sexual harassment or sexual assault. I can't guarantee that they won't, but I can reinforce my belief that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated. If I want to effectively do that, I have to acknowledge the fact that I've been, as Michael Ellsberg <a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/ct-me-too-posts-guy-20171024-story.html">puts</a> it, "That Guy". It's shameful, embarrassing and uncomfortable to admit, but it pales in comparison to the pain that those who have been victimized experience. And while my actions have been no where near those of Mr. Weinstein, or Mr. O'Reilly, or Mr. Cosby, or the countless other male celebrities, sports stars, current and past politicians; any sexual harassment or assault, no matter how small or "innocent" it can seem to the one doing it, is too much. <br />
<br />
If we really want to change the culture of sexual harassment and assault in our society, we have to change our perception of who it effects. As Angelina Chapin points out, "sexual harassment and assault are always framed as a women's issue." But in reality, more often than not it is an issue created for women by the predatory behavior of men. A campaign like #MeToo, and the countless other campaigns before it, bring the attention to the victims but also tend to make it their problem to solve. The problem won't be solved, or even probably get much better, until those of us who have been perpetrators acknowledge our role in perpetuating the culture, either implicitly or complicity. It draws similarities to author/activist Tim Wise's reasoning to why he, a white man, works so hard to end racism. He sees racial discrimination as a problem created for people of color by white people, and subsequently a problem that needs to be fixed by white people.<br />
<br />
As a married, father of three who is no longer searching for a reproductive mate, it may seem easy to fess up to my own transgressions and, as some have critiqued, give myself a self-congratulatory pat on the back for how I have changed and don't do that anymore. But my job as a parent is to help my kids avoid the same mistakes I made. I can't go back and undo the things that I've done. Maybe had I been more considerate of the the fact that one day I would likely be a father, and would not want those things done to my daughters, or done by my son, it might have deterred some of my own offensive behavior. Through my experiences though, I can show my kids how even someone who purports to have a lot of respect for women can be easily advance the all too familiar misogynistic narrative. Considering the myriad of ways in which we objectify and sexualize others, especially women, in some of our most prominent institutions, it is something that seems to need continual addressing. <br />
<br />
When asked about the Weinstein allegations, President Trump, who said he "has known Harvey Weinstein for a long time", admitted that he "wasn't surprised". With the President himself having been accused of sexual assault and harassment by <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/a-running-list-of-all-the-women-whove-accused-donald-trump-of-sexual-assault_us_57ffae1fe4b0162c043a7212">over</a> a dozen women, it seems to be something he may be familiar with. During the 2016 Presidential campaign, when the infamous Access Hollywood <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-locker-room_us_57faeb1fe4b0b6a430334198">tapes</a> surfaced, then candidate Trump classified it as "locker room talk", something he did again when asked to compare his remarks in 2005 with the Weinstein allegations. In my view, Trump's denial of actually doing what he says he did in the video is more disturbing than him merely claiming he did, or could do it. If he did it, it's sexual assault. If he didn't do it, he felt the need to say that he did and can (which is still sexual assault). Thus suggesting that he thinks it is okay and others, like the impressionable Billy Bush, should do the same. Given the President's track record in respectful behavior toward women, I doubt he'd be leading the charge of tweets, despite his fondness for the platform, in any #MeToo campaign that focused on the perpetrators.<br />
<br />
Sadly, I don't think the issue of sexual harassment and sexual assault, especially against women, will be going anyway anytime soon. I would like to think that this time around, the #MeToo campaign will really have some positive effect, and I think that any campaign raising awareness of an issue so prevalent in our society has plenty of merit. We've certainly come a long way from the time of when "<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2017/10/06/harvey-weinstein-and-that-different-time-when-hostile-workplaces-were-totally-okay/?utm_term=.1138b6107984">Mr. Weinstein came of age</a>", but we've definitely still got a long ways to go, and we tend to be reminded of this weekly, as the next big sexual harassment or assault story comes to light. That certainly doesn't mean that we shouldn't try though. If we want to make this world a place where our daughters, and our sons, aren't viewed as sexual conquests based on the way they dress or express their sexuality, then we need to shut down the behavior of the perpetrators that leads to that. If we don't want to find out that our sons, or our daughters, have been the perpetrators of sexual harassment or assault, we have to demonstrate why that behavior has no place in our society. <br />
<br />
While I want a place like that to exist for my kids, it would be hypocritical to not want it to exist for everyone else's kids, which is everybody. Continuing the push to get to that place, which women have been advocating for far too long, requires men and especially us fathers to acknowledge how we've contributed to the culture of sexual harassment and assault that exists today, either through our own actions or lack of action. We need to realize that we have just as much, if not more, responsibility to bring it to an end. And not just by tweeting about it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This was a pretty heavy topic, and obviously not one that lends itself well to humor for good reason. Before recognizing that I myself had been a perpetrator of sexual assault and harassment, I was like most guys and didn't really even understand what constituted sexual assault and sexual harassment. You can obviously read the legal jargon and try to make sense of its ambiguity, which likely perpetuates the problem. I thought this popular meme of Comedian Peter White seems to sum it up pretty succinctly though.<br />
<i> </i> <br />
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_1834767185"><br /></a>jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-26214680489294419872017-10-19T21:29:00.000-07:002017-10-19T21:29:02.610-07:00Mom Was Right About Football<h2>
#boycottnfl</h2>
<br />
It's been Fall (officially) for a month, which means it is football season here in the US. If you've followed the President's Twitter feed in the past few weeks, you may be aware that our highest elected official has taken some issue with the NFL recently. More specifically, the President has voiced his displeasure with certain athletes who have chosen not to stand for the National Anthem, which proceeds each gridiron match, as a matter of protest for a variety of perceived injustices. He's also admonished the various coaches, general managers and owners who have allowed this, in the President's view, unpatriotic behavior. In one of his official tweets, the President <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/09/24/trump-urges-fans-to-boycott-nfl-in-ongoing-criticism-flag-kneeling-players.html">suggested </a>that fans stop going to NFL games until the players stop disrespecting the flag and the country, and in another "re-tweeted" something that included the hashtag "#boycottnfl". The feud seemed to hit a precipice two weeks ago, when Vice President Mike Pence <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/08/politics/vice-president-mike-pence-nfl-protest/index.html">walked </a>out of a game, apparently as directed to by his boss, between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers, the team with which the National Anthem protest began during the 2016-17 season.<br />
<br />
While the President and I have some pretty profound philosophical differences on a number of issues (okay, most every issue), this is actually one of his suggestions that I can support, albeit for very different reasons. In fact, I've been on my own personal boycott of most all football consumption, the NFL in particular, for the past three years. Admittedly, I've been considerably less public about my abstention and have significantly fewer Twitter followers* than @realDonaldTrump. I have alluded before via this blog about my disdain for the sport, and this overdue post seems like an appropriate time to divulge more on why I would be completely fine with football (in its current form) ceasing to exist.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Growing up, my Mom was adamant that I not participate in
organized football. “It’s too dangerous
and you will get hurt,” was her argument.
While her opinion toward the sport was not the sole reason I did not
play football growing up, as I certainly engaged in a number of other things she explicitly told me not to, it did likely play a factor in my decision. In retrospect (of course), I am extremely grateful that
she voiced her opinion as strongly as she did. Had I really wanted to play, undoubtedly she would have supported me with as much enthusiasm as she has done, and continues to do, with all of my other pursuits. Fortunately, for her sake, and mine, I was as much of a "pussy" (in stereotypical terms) in my adolescence as I am now^, and never got around to putting on the pads. Just those maxi-pads (since I was a pussy, get it?).<br />
<br />
I know what you are thinking; "liberal, stay at home dad is a anti-football, big shocker." The reality is that I haven't always been such a football antagonist. Growing up I spent countless hours watching football and playing informal games (mostly one-on-one against myself) in my backyard. As a youngster, I was convinced that I would one day play football for the Fightin' Irish. When those dreams were dashed, I still found myself at a college with a storied football program of which I was a fervent, if not often intoxicated fan. For a number of years I managed a chronically under-performing fantasy football team, and to this day, one of my favorite games on the Super Nintendo gaming platform is Tecmo Super Bowl. While those memories all hold a certain level of fondness for me, they don't overshadow my belief that the sport of football perpetuates an unnecessary culture of violence that is just as dangerous off the field as it is on. <br />
<br />
You can certainly be critical about any professional sport, and as someone who likes to pretend to be a sport sociologist, I've become considerably less fanatic of virtually every professional spectator sport. But in my view, football takes the cake. Whether it is your on-field issues of excessive injuries, especially concussions and brain injuries, or the locker room culture of misogyny and homophobia with not so subtle notes of racism sprinkled in that, in my view, promote a general degradation of human value. This is amplified by the fact that without a doubt, football is <i>the </i>most popular sport in America, and every time we (the Royal We) spend an exorbitant amount of time on Friday nights, Saturdays, Sundays, Monday nights, and now even Thursday nights cheering on such an environment, it becomes more ingrained in our ethos and accepted in our society.<br />
<br />
The most obvious knock on football is the violent nature of the sport, and the increased risk for injury, especially a head or brain injury. Football proponents often like to cite a, somewhat foggy, <a href="http://usatodayhss.com/2017/new-study-shows-that-girls-soccer-has-higher-per-capita-rate-of-concussions-than-any-other-sport">statistic </a>that you are more likely to sustain a concussion playing soccer than you are playing football. This may be true statistically, and it may not also be particularly relevant, as other studies have begun to look at the effects of other types of brain injury, like <a href="http://www.thesetonian.com/2017/10/04/new-test-for-cte-could-be-end-of-the-nfl-as-we-know-it/">CTE</a>, which may be just as bad as a concussion, if not worse. To me, though, the difference lies in how these injuries are sustained. Football by its very nature is violent. Injuries, especially ones involving the head and brain, are almost always the result of two players engaging in action that anywhere besides the football field (or boxing ring or ice rink) would likely be considered assault and battery. <br />
<br />
For this reason, some scientists have started to examine possible <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/dandiamond/2014/09/16/does-football-make-you-violent-examining-the-evidence/#15d16155fb7e">correlations </a>between potential brain damage and aggressive behavior among current and former NFL players, citing the league's disproportionately high arrest rate for domestic violence in comparison to other sports. It's a pretty well established fact, as psychologist Adrian Raine points out, that a damaged prefrontal cortex, a likely outcome of repeated blows to the head, can raise the odds of impulsive and aggressive behavior. By no means does this condone the off field behavior of players like Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson or Greg Hardy, but given the beating they take on the field, can we really be that surprised when they act in a violent manner during a tense moment? Of course we would hope that athletes could differentiate between what behavior is only acceptable on the field, but when they are paid millions of dollars to do physical damage to others, or to have it be done to them, I can see where some confusion might exist. <br />
<br />
Beyond the potential for a compromised prefontal cortex, anyone who has played football or watched a football coach engage with the players, knows that football players are taught to be aggressive. This is especially true in the NFL, where the difference between winning or losing, or even making a roster can be millions of dollars, but it can permeate to all levels of the game. Recall the New Orleans Saints "Bountygate" which came to light following the 2011 season? In 2012, the year Head Coach Sean Payton had to "sit-out" for his role in the scandal, he managed to stay busy by helping coach the Liberty <i>Christian </i>(emphasis mine) 6th Grade Team. Don't worry, he was back to the NFL after that, signing a new five year contract that made him the highest paid coach in NFL history.<br />
<br />
The sport creates and perpetuates this culture of violence and aggression by the collective roar of approval the fans give any time someone gets "lit up" on the field. It encourages players to find success on the field by, as Pro Bowl Defensive Back Richard Sherman <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/redskins/super-bowl-2014-richard-sherman-has-a-lot-to-show-us--about-ourselves/2014/01/29/babd2520-893d-11e3-a5bd-844629433ba3_story.html?utm_term=.83793365868b">aptly</a> put it, "going to a dark place...where there is a lot of animosity and frustration." How else can we expect grown men to get hyped up to play a game that is, “meant to kill each other” as Dutch speed-skating coach Jillert Anema candidly <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2014/02/20/dutch-skating-coach-jillert-anema-says-american-football-sucks.html">described </a>it. I think it also perpetuates this culture when it fosters an environment of misogyny and homophobia by actively pushing out those, like Chris Kluwe, Jonathan Martin, and Michael Sam, who don't fit the desired mold of the "tough macho man", a stereotype that even found its way into this past week's episode of "This Is Us". Personally, I never fit that mold (as if that wasn't glaringly apparent), and I see little benefit in promoting that mold as the preferred one for impressionable young boys or anyone else. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the culture created by football is one that our society seems willing to accept for the sport to be what it is. A culture we essentially celebrate, given the amount of public and private resources that are dedicated to it. Even my own state of Minnesota, which I've always viewed as relatively progressive, found a half billion dollars of public money to help build a new professional football stadium, while subsequently being <a href="http://www.startribune.com/legislators-debate-dayton-s-348-million-preschool-proposal/295539021/">unable </a>to pony up half as much for a universal preschool program. And while viewership of NFL games might be declining (and certainly not because of my or probably the President's call to boycott), an estimated 203 million (about 62%) of the US population tuned in at some point to watch an NFL game during the 2016 season. The Super Bowl is still perennially the most watched event on TV each year, providing more than ample justification of the exorbitant fees charged for advertisement slots. <br />
<br />
Combine that with the number of college football games, where Division I is essentially a minor league NFL (with comparable on and off field problems), high school football games, and youth leagues, and football has a very prominent place in our society, especially this time of year. Of course you also can't overlook the <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/briangoff/2013/08/20/the-70-billion-fantasy-football-market/#40ce7f3f755c">billion dollar industry</a> of fantasy football and sports betting, and all of the time that is required to support that industry. If there is potential correlation between playing the sport of football and being more prone to aggressive behavior, I would hypothesize that the sheer act of consuming large amounts of football would make one more prone to aggressive behavior. If you have the financial resources and/or academic know-how to conduct such a study, let me know, I'd be happy to consult on it.<br />
<br />
Of course there are a number of incredible things you can learn from the sport of football; teamwork, hard work, perseverance, dedication, time management, etc. The world is certainly filled with passionate football players and fans who are incredible and kind people. By leveling my objections about the sport, I don't mean to imply that playing the sport or being a fan makes you a horrible person prone to violence and uncontrollable aggression. Football certainly has a lot of great qualities, but you have to take the bad with the good. I believe that any of those benefits you can get from playing football can also be attained through other sports, or various other activities, that are considerably less violent and dangerous. <br />
<br />
I would also argue that the reason football is so popular, especially here in the US, is because of the violent and aggressive nature of the game, which encourages those who play it to do so in a manner that can be seriously injurious to both themselves and others - potentially both on and off the field. It is, as author Gregg Easterbrook observes, "quintessentially American - too violent, too loud, too commercialized." The game could no doubt be made considerably safer, but who would watch it? Would people really tune in to watch professional flag football? Even the one most passionately, and often incoherently, calling for a boycott of the sport <a href="https://www.si.com/nfl/2017/09/23/trump-nfl-fire-players-who-protest-during-anthem">believes</a> it is "going soft" due to excessive <i>regulations+ </i>to protect player safety.<br />
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There is a sports bar that I often drive past (en route to our girl's dance studio of all places) whose marquee last fall claimed it as "Football Heaven." Presumably this was because of the bar patrons' ability to watch any football game they would want on any or all of the establishment's very large televisions. As I repeatedly drove past this sign, I thought about what a "Football Heaven" might actually look like. I wondered if that is where guys like Junior Seau and Dave Duerson end up. Or maybe the 92 high school football players who <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/media/2015/10/high-school-football-death-camron-matthews/">died </a>between 2005 and 2014. Maybe Odin Lloyd is there (probably not Aaron Hernandez). Maybe in football heaven everyone just plays two hand touch, or maybe there isn't any football at all. All I know is that, thanks in large part to my Mom's wisdom, I'll probably never find out. Before we had a son, I used to joke that I was glad we had only had girls, so I (presumably) wouldn't have to discourage them from playing football. And while I know that my son looks like a "future linebacker" (he actually has more of an O-line build at this point), I'm going to be just as adamant, if not more, that he not play that position, or any other position on the football field. Ever. Not even punter.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi12eTHH_kuGZ3SVRPJy-YXJ7YJ4gRMBo33uy2mrgyX79wVZ9jErkhrD5lf6QVyYo8uFtZT9EElP1Ehuxx-hdKIBx0iR0ZspCcDsNAMzG9Bu2WO3X9gcmVfgsUoGxvByCjq3RZnFYeks0A/s1600/gus+football.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi12eTHH_kuGZ3SVRPJy-YXJ7YJ4gRMBo33uy2mrgyX79wVZ9jErkhrD5lf6QVyYo8uFtZT9EElP1Ehuxx-hdKIBx0iR0ZspCcDsNAMzG9Bu2WO3X9gcmVfgsUoGxvByCjq3RZnFYeks0A/s320/gus+football.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Think again dude.</td></tr>
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*Seeing as I lack a Twitter handle, my exact number of Twitter followers is zero.<br />
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^I actually like to say "pacifist".<br />
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+Pretty certain he actually said "rules", but given how often he talks about "excessive regulation", the term seemed to fit<br />
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Whether you are a football protagonist or antagonist like me, I'd highly recommend the following reads on the sport. They have provided me with some valuable insight into the role football plays in our society. I think they objectively examine the both the good and the bad of the sport.<br />
<br />
"<a href="http://againstfootball.org/">Against Football</a>" - Steve Almond<br />
<br />
"The King of Sports" and "The Game's Not Over" - <a href="http://www.greggeasterbrook.com/books.html">Gregg Easterbrook</a></div>
jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-34310458070078647862017-07-26T12:06:00.005-07:002017-07-26T12:06:56.650-07:00Safe and Sound<h3>
In Every Life We Have Some Trouble</h3>
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As a parent, one of your primary objectives is to provide a safe and secure environment for your children, being constantly vigilant to try and keep them out of harms way. Gestation of baby itself conjectures up the image of the mother providing a safe environment for her baby to grow. Once that baby is born, his/her first few months are spent typically being held by a parent or other loved one or placed in an acceptable, pediatrician-approved baby holding device - swaddled in a bumperless crib lying on their back, snugly strapped in a car seat that's installation was approved by local law enforcement, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28A9Jgo92GQ">never in a corner</a>, etc. <br />
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Given that we recently celebrated Independence Day in the US earlier this month, a day when we tend to wish for it to be equally happy and safe, it seems like a good time to touch on kid safety. Please note that if you are looking for any tips on how to keep your kids safe from harm or better baby proof your home, you can stop reading now. I won't be divulging any of that information, because quite frankly I don't have much to divulge. If you are interested in reading about, and presumably laughing at my own misgivings in attempting to keep my kids safe, then by all means continue. It will likely make you feel better about yourself as a parent, or a personal in general if you lack offspring.<br />
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I've mentioned <a href="http://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/07/cause-you-got-to-have-friends.html">before </a>that considering all the perils of the world was an excuse I often used in my pre-parent days to deflect the notion of having kids. A quick pick at the news headlines can often make any parent want to apply a not-so-thin layer of bubble wrap to their children as soon as they can move, and not allow them to leave the house until age 18. Of course we all know we can't keep our kids in a bubble, but after that first, or most recent, major "owie" there is a good chance we've considered Googling "child safety bubble". I remember the first time our oldest had an injury that drew her own blood, cutting her lip after she fell of a bed she had been jumping on, as being a substantial threshold crossing in my parenting experience. <br />
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Over the years, we've (probably more so I) since had countless experiences where we've questioned what sort of irreparable damage may have been done following an incident that left one (or more) of our children in tears. Just a few weeks ago, I had one of my most recent "wish my kid was wearing a helmet at all times" moment, when Gus, our youngest, was standing up in the basket of a shopping cart^ that tipped on his side, sending him crashing backward to the ground. Despite assuring the various store employees who came to check on him that he was okay - he really did seem okay considering - I did spent a few minutes frantically searching the internet for symptoms of traumatic brain injury. While the van was in park, turned off and the keys where in my pocket of course - no distracted operation of a motor vehicle for this guy.<br />
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As parents, it tends to be innate to assume the worst whenever your child suffers an injury. If we didn't find ourselves overreacting at least a little bit, we'd likely question our level of empathy toward our kids. And most certainly our fears are certainly justified on some level, considering that about <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3429443/An-unlucky-break-White-children-TWICE-likely-suffer-broken-bones-black-Asian-friends.html">25% of kids</a> will sustain a broken bone at some point before their 18th birthday. Personally, my biggest fears regarding my kid's health center around things that I may have accidentally contributed to. A few years ago, after mindlessly picking at some bubbling paint in our nursery, I subjected my kids to likely unnecessary blood draws at the doctor's office after I was certain I had exposed them to lead paint and all the nastiness that can go along with. <br />
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But of course we can't put our kids in a bubble, or force them to wear helmets all of the time (unless advised by their pediatrician of course). At times it takes the kids inquiring about my various scars to remind me that I sustained a number of injuries (mostly minor) during my childhood and turned out (questionably) okay. In that respect, I've tried to stop telling my kids to "be careful". To me, it seems like a vain piece of advice that they most certainly won't heed. I've tried to be more specific on what I think might be the outcome if they continue to engage in certain suspect behavior, without getting too grotesque. "If you touch that hot pan, your hand is going to get burned." Leaving out the part of how your skin will bubble and puss and you'll have to wear a huge bandage and may even loose a digit or two. . <br />
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Sometimes we also just have to accept the fact that experiencing those unpleasantries first hand is the best way to learn. Not that we ever wish ill will on our kids, but instructing them to ride their bike carefully won't resonate as much as that time they are trying to ride without hands and face plant into the pavement, as happened to us earlier this week. I've commented before on how an aptly timed fall from a playground structure can hasten an overdue exit from the playground. It can hopefully also better demonstrate the fact that climbing up the outside of a covered slide maybe isn't the smartest decision. After getting the tips of her fingers burned a couple of times, our oldest realized that she could use a tongs to safely remove a piece of toast from the toaster, thus making her able to procure breakfast and her younger siblings and allowing me to get a few extra minutes of sleep in the morning.<br />
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It is inevitable that our kids will have bumps and bruises and cuts and maybe even broken bones. This certainly doesn't mean that we shouldn't adhere to some basic safety guidelines; wearing a helmet when biking, always wearing a seatbelt, lifejackets in a boat, not playing football, etc. And as parents, we have to consider that if we are expecting our kids to follow certain safety requirements, we should lead by example. Think you're too cool for your bike helmet, think again. Your kid will likely take your instructions more easily if you are following them too. <br />
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We also have to recognize that kids build confidence by taking risks and doing things they might be afraid of, or we might be afraid of letting them do. We might not always be able to catch them if/when they fall, but hopefully they eventually won't fall anymore. This doesn't mean that we won't worry about them, and likely overreact a little bit when bumps and bruises come their way. But we can't keep our kids away from all of the perils of the world, nor can we discern when a jump from an elevated surface that has been landed hundreds of times before ends with a broken leg. Bobby McFerrin's is absolutely right that in every life we will have some trouble, and your kids will have their fair share too, which will presumably become your own trouble. His advice to "don't worry and be happy" may not always be reasonable, but try not to get too bent out of shape when it happens. Lift them up and show them love when they need it, and hopefully everyone will stay moderately safe and sound.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcbu4lvTgaE1xup_bdtt75jsqbv2gaysfqVIXwIrygOtLGxGrFRr6KOldWoEsT0XHxMx5MoHYYHa85nnWM6J-zMoySlD42eoMFrY46PUSccrFKaKXoJ2jUaAWc_H5B58f7XLZL7donA50/s1600/20170502_173635.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcbu4lvTgaE1xup_bdtt75jsqbv2gaysfqVIXwIrygOtLGxGrFRr6KOldWoEsT0XHxMx5MoHYYHa85nnWM6J-zMoySlD42eoMFrY46PUSccrFKaKXoJ2jUaAWc_H5B58f7XLZL7donA50/s320/20170502_173635.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You never know when dinner might get out of control.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHmEOwNT1wT05ugAnrma5sBIQxKlFUO-hU5PTP6LVLxpb4BbYdPSyFrMkRSHwF0CnMsHzkea72xDCqNd7f4d3RAPbR8To29XBxI3Py_8ssd4Ur7LgPoH01TdXaNNQUXqvaKNuALm6Fp8g/s1600/20170526_081858.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHmEOwNT1wT05ugAnrma5sBIQxKlFUO-hU5PTP6LVLxpb4BbYdPSyFrMkRSHwF0CnMsHzkea72xDCqNd7f4d3RAPbR8To29XBxI3Py_8ssd4Ur7LgPoH01TdXaNNQUXqvaKNuALm6Fp8g/s320/20170526_081858.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">True, you may not be able to bubble wrap your kids.<br />But you can bubble wrap their drumsticks to try and prevent premature hearing loss.<br />(for them and you)</td></tr>
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^A place the directions on the cart specifically indicate you are not supposed to put children.<br />
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jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-5167781223419330102017-05-30T19:33:00.000-07:002017-05-30T19:33:17.783-07:00You Can Dance If You Want To<h3>
Don't You Want to Dance? Say You Want to Dance.</h3>
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We recently received an important piece of mail in our house, the result of our 6 year-old's dance tryout. Our two girls have both been dancing at a local dance studio for the last few years, and this spring, we allowed our oldest to tryout for the "competition" dance team for the following year. She could have auditioned last year, but we (mainly I) felt that it would be too much with her also starting kindergarten. Five seemed a tad young for her to start spending a seemingly excessive amount of time on one particular activity. Six year-olds are obviously so much more mature. </div>
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Of course joining a "competition" dance team is considerably more consuming, in nearly ever facet, than having her participate in the current "recreational" classes she has been doing for the past few years. After attempting to explain to her the difference between continuing on with her current classes and trying out for a competition team; the increased time commitment and expectation and, somewhat more subtly, the larger financial investment that would need to be made, we asked her if she wanted to tryout for a team, which she did. Having other classmates already involved on a competition team and others planning on trying out likely swayed her decision - she has #FOMO^ already. </div>
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Fortunately, she genuinely seems to enjoy dance and tends to have knack for the activity. She was "invited" to try out for a competition team the past two years, and her current instructor made it readily apparent to both my wife and I that she was very much "ready" to be on a competition team based on her dancing ability. This year they even guaranteed her a spot on one of the competition teams, but asked that she attend try outs to see where she would best fit. It was a flattering gesture, but I also wondered if it was part of a broader marketing ploy to get families hooked into the "comp" community, ensuring a steady stream of dancers and tuition dollars for years to come. With a younger sister currently in her second year of dance that has the same level of interest and ability as her older sister (if not more) and a younger brother who seems to possess just as much enthusiasm for dance as his older sisters, I'm certain we are the model family. </div>
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As a parent it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the myriad of organized activities available for young kids, at a (debatable) fair market price. Growing up in a much smaller town and further from a sizable metropolitan area than what we currently do, my access to organized activities, especially during the summer, where much more limited. Almost everyone played summer rec baseball or softball because it was the only thing available. Odds are you took swimming lessons at the local pool, if you had access to one, and did a week of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at your church or another one in the community. When you got a little older, you may have had the luxury of participating in a sports camp or league at the nearby community college, and when you got old enough, you got a summer job.</div>
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I certainly think the opportunity for kids to participate in organized activities is beneficial. We're also very fortunate to have convenient access to a plethora of various types of activities, recreational and artistic, and have the financial means to take advantage of those offerings, both during the school year and summer. Without doubt your kids can learn a great deal by participating in such organized activities, both about the particular activities, as well as the softer social-emotional skills of interacting with others and taking direction from adults other than yourself. But the shear act of deciding what to sign your kid up for can cause a mild level of anxiety. A quick glance of the summer recreation offerings available to our kids, who have a cumulative age of 12 includes (but is certainly not limited too):<br />
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Archery<br />
Art Camp<br />
Basketball<br />
BMX Racing<br />
Chess<br />
Dance<br />
Equestrian Camp<br />
Fishing<br />
Golf<br />
Gymnastics<br />
Karate<br />
Photography<br />
Piano/Music Lessons<br />
Robotics<br />
Soccer<br />
Swimming Lessons<br />
T-Ball<br />
Tennis<br />
Theater Camp<br />
Vacation Bible School<br />
Volleyball Camp<br />
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All seem like great options of activities to engage young kids in, and if time and resources allowed, you could certainly make a full time job of carting your kids to their various activities, and some parents likely do. But if there is one thing the peer reviewed parent literature agrees on, Amy Chua probably being the lone exception, it's about the importance of giving your kids ample unstructured free time. Not only is it beneficial for the kids, it can certainly help keep your parental sanity in check. We've all seen the harried parents piloting their SUV (or minivan if they are a tad more sensible) down the street like a race car, perpetually late for their next scheduled kid-related activity. That will never be us, we tell ourselves.<br />
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As easy as it can be to over-schedule your kids, another supposedly dangerous phenomenon in kid's activities is over-specialization, especially in regards to athletic pursuits. The social media feed of one of my grad school classmates is filled with articles and advice, typically by very successful athletes and coaches, about the importance of engaging in multiple activities and giving each activity an appropriate off season. However, what I've started to notice is if a kid is progressing in a certain activity, particularly a sport, the commitment (time, monetary, emotionally) goes from minimal to exorbitant in a hurry. Almost overnight you go from being a parent whose child participates in something once a week to a "dance/soccer/hockey/fill in the blank-mom" (or dad), with the logo of child's organization adorning multiple items of your clothing and decal-ed to a prominent location on your vehicle. In a few short years, you too may find yourself with entire walk-in closets dedicated to dance costumes worn a handful of times. I've been told that these exist.<br />
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It can be hard not to get caught up in the over-commitment trap when you observe the vast chasm in ability levels of kids in a certain activity, likely corresponding with how much time they spend on that activity each week. Watching our girls' year-end dance recital last spring, it was readily apparent which kids just went to dance, and which kids were "dancers". The "dancers" were incredible, some of whom looked not much older than our oldest. It can be hard for a parent, even someone like me who is very cautious about measuring my kids to the ability of others, to not want your own child to be able to dance like them. The stark variance in ability was also something I noticed last summer when we attended a youth baseball game to cheer on our 11 year-old neighbor. It didn't take long to pick out which kids had likely spent a sizable amount of time honing their four seam fastball with a pitching coach already. Our neighbor clearly not being one of them.<br />
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Because our kids are 6, 4 & 2, and the jump into seemingly-excessive organized activity is a relatively new concept for us, I can't pretend to purport a lot of of wisdom or advice on how to best ensure that your day-to-day activities don't become a blur of moving from one organized kid related activity to the next. Whenever I lament on my anticipated scheduling nightmare of extracurriculars to parents with older children, I tend to be, poignantly, responded with a look of apathy that tells me I'm preaching to the choir. Without doubt, considerably smarter parents have likely come up with some hard and fast rules when it comes to allowing their kid's to participate in organized activities. For a vast majority of us, it tends to be a "fly-by-the seat of your pants" experience (which is congruent with pretty much every other aspect of parenting for me). However, there are a few things that I hope to keep in mind, and other parents might do well to remember too:<br />
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<b>Establishing Priorities</b> - Extracurricular activities are just that, extra. During the school year, if you have school aged kids, school work should always come first and academic learning shouldn't be compromised for kids to participate in other activities. Yes, kids learn a lot by participating in extracurriculars, but if you want them to succeed in school, you have to set the tone that school is a priority. I also believe that responsibilities to the family also have to take precedent over organized activity. <a href="http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20339151,00.html">Studies </a>have shown how beneficial it is for a family to sit down for dinner together. Identify those rituals that help your family bond, and do your best to keep those intact. Likewise if your kids have certain expectations for helping around the house (i.e. chores) or if you expect them to work a part time job when they get old enough. This helps show your kids that the world (even their world) doesn't revolve around their activities, their activities are privileges to be enjoyed after all of their responsibilities have been completed and their commitments to the family have been honored. Establish your priorities early because it is easy for things to get out of hand in a hurry. <br />
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<b>Activities are Voluntary</b> - No one is forcing you to log a few hundred miles each week carting your kids to various activities. If balancing all of your various kids activities is causing you excessive amounts of stress, it's time to take a step back and reassess the role that they play in our family's life. Any benefits that they get from participating in those activities will most certainly be negated by the stress and anxiety they absorb from you. Resist the urge to sign your kids up for tons of activities just because your neighbor or co-worker or overachieving relative is doing so. And do your best to not be that parent who gets caught up in the pettiness that can often be present in over-invested caregivers. If you find yourself complaining about your kid's activities, or complaining about the parents of the other kids who constantly complain about their kid's activities, remember that you signed up for it. Sure it won't always be butterflies and roses (unless if you sign them up for some Intro to Gardening class), but it should be an enjoyable experience, for you and your child, a vast majority of the time. <br />
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<b>They are <i>Kid's </i>Activities</b> - We all selfishly want our kids to be involved in certain things - likely the things that we enjoy doing. But allow your kids to find their own way with their hobbies and passions. Introduce the activities to them that you are passionate about and enjoy, but if they don't take to them, help them find something that the really do enjoy to participate in. Remember Julie Lythcott-Haims advice to "never let your parenting behavior be motivated by your own ego." You can certainly make suggestions on what you think they should participate in, and you have the authority to make decisions on what they may not participate in, they are kids after all and you are the adult. However if it is something you are forcing them to do, odds are they won't enjoy it and it will just create more stress trying to get them to participate.<br />
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When I was young, my parents forced me to take piano lessons and I hated it. Subsequently, despite taking six years of piano in my youth, I hardly remember anything from my lessons, which is something I really regret now. In effort to encourage me along the way, my Mom even signed up to take lessons herself, bless her heart. I figure if you want kids to gravitate towards the activities that you are particularly interested in, allow your kids to see you doing those activities (and enjoying it), and odds are they will likely take an interest as well. You'll also likely have to accept the fact that kids can have a short attention span and lose interest in something pretty quickly. Just because they are obsessed with something now, doesn't mean they will continue to be for years to come. But make sure that they understand the importance of honoring their commitments - if they've signed up to participate in something for the summer, make sure they stick it out for the entire summer before giving it up. <br />
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<b>They are <i>Just </i>Activities</b> - Yes they can build character and teach certain skills specific to the activity. But on their face, organized kid's activities are essentially just a way to keep kids busy, and often an excuse for us parents to get some adult social interaction. At some point, the activities will cease to exist and it can be easy to wonder if all of the time, money and gray hairs were worth it. Try to avoid envisioning where a particular activity will get your child; sending them to sports camps will ensure that they get athletic scholarship offers for college, music lessons will help get that family band a record deal, etc. Instead think of how it will enhance their life as they grow older - participating in dance will presumably allow our girls to better enjoy wedding receptions in their later years. <br />
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Participating in activities is also a great way for kids to gain perspective on putting things into context. I'm certainly not one who adheres to the "every should get a trophy" mindset, but too often the excessive competitiveness and win-at-all costs mentality can take hold, especially at an early age. Kids should want to compete and work hard for the sheer sake of doing so, not just to get a medal. The odds of a child turning a certain sport or activity into a potential career or livelihood is pretty minuscule. Better to set the foundation of it being something that they enjoy and something they will continue to want to do, long after the organized aspect of it is gone. <br />
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As parents, we have to set the tone. Remember Dr. Leonard Sax's advice that "you are the parent, and you are in charge." Finding the balance of involving your kids without over-involving them can be very tricky (just like finding balance in most every other thing with your kids is). But don't feel like you are short changing them if you are not running three times a day to different structured activities. Embrace the opportunity for them to have free time. Odds are it was something that most of us had as kids, and we seemed to turn out okay (right?). It can be tough to realize preemptively when things are getting out of hand, but once you've made that realization, make a change. Consider what makes the most sense for your sanity and the overall environment for your family. Sandlot baseball can be just as beneficial to their development as playing in the Little League World Series. Dancing doesn't only have to happen in a studio with a highly trained instructor at a dedicated time each week. It can happen on a whim right in your living room. If it is with somebody who loves you, its safe to assume it will be a good time.<br />
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^"Fear of missing out" is what the FOMO acronym stands for. At least that's what the kids tell me.</div>
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*That dancing seems to come naturally to our kids shouldn't surprise us much, as their mom and dad claim the honors, in no particular order of importance, of "multiple year state dance team champion" and "senior class best dancer".<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3QdCu6VOTyO7hRYThfAEEYrPflTRfWLHgEsPPr_FAZLHiXTaqdLYVmbk9TTtRFu96Wlhv2HheTArMWN7hBkAQlWrNs41w0NCFJ67-fIuAZE2j3Zi5thPcS-wx1wyNjQPo15u4KitRTuY/s1600/20150909_190543.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3QdCu6VOTyO7hRYThfAEEYrPflTRfWLHgEsPPr_FAZLHiXTaqdLYVmbk9TTtRFu96Wlhv2HheTArMWN7hBkAQlWrNs41w0NCFJ67-fIuAZE2j3Zi5thPcS-wx1wyNjQPo15u4KitRTuY/s320/20150909_190543.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some pictures are worth a thousand words.<br />This picture is worth a (few) thousand dollars <br />of future dance-related expenses.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiO_-1ahH73CLghtXQyJ-YfuaZiJFL9IPiW6gvarHqUzvyUdYU4dQH8ljW6oSSMxcnmCEq-8znujN6Y5sv3QKjTyKdFfLc8733dskLlrYDYdut-vSWus1CK1WYto79eWbx2P3mWXgG4rU/s1600/20170322_081832.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiO_-1ahH73CLghtXQyJ-YfuaZiJFL9IPiW6gvarHqUzvyUdYU4dQH8ljW6oSSMxcnmCEq-8znujN6Y5sv3QKjTyKdFfLc8733dskLlrYDYdut-vSWus1CK1WYto79eWbx2P3mWXgG4rU/s320/20170322_081832.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At least we'll hopefully get some additional <br />use out of the old recital costumes.</td></tr>
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<h4>
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<h4>
Postscript - My Ideal Kid<br /><span style="font-weight: normal;">In the effort of full disclosure, I should probably divulge what I honestly would want my kids to be involved in/passionate about if I had my way and time and money (and sanity) didn't play a factor. Yes, it is absurd, and I think it illustrates how easy it can be to fall into the mindset of needing to sign our kids up for every activity lest with jeopardize their personal and professional development. Hypocrisy abounds!</span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">First I'd like my kids to be academically gifted. Smart, but not too smart that they lack social skills. I'd take top 10% of their class. They'd have an interest in the arts - especially music and hopefully theater. They'd play piano and at least one other instrument; hopefully different ones that could contribute to the family band - drums, guitar, violin, etc. And they'd love to sing and feel comfortable getting up on stage to perform, but still be a little nervous about it. They'd enjoy reading, but not necessarily those bizarre science fiction books. They'd also enjoy playing board and card games; particularly chess and cribbage but not necessarily poker/blackjack or Pokemon. They'd love to be outside and enjoy hiking, camping, biking, downhill skiing in the winter, swimming in the summer. They'd be adventurous, but calculated risk takers. They'd want to travel and have an interest in different cultures and places, and when they got old enough, be knowledgeable in current events. They'd learn a second (or third) language. </span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">For sports they'd play volleyball (even Gus) and tennis for sure, and basketball, golf, soccer, baseball/softball if they wanted. I'd also allow them to continue dancing if they wanted (even Gus). No football or hockey. Hopefully they would be good enough to play at least one sport in college if they so choose, but not feel obligated to do so. They'd also be runners and competent swimmers. Beyond activities, </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">they'd be liked by their classmates, but not the most popular kids, as that would probably indicate that they were involved in some questionable behavior (the most popular kids are usually so for a specific reason). They'd be empathetic and feel the urge to volunteer once in a while for a good cause. They would notice trash on the side of the road and stop to pick it up. They'd confront bullies, especially when someone else is being bullied, but they'd be calm enough to refrain from throwing punches. </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">They'd be leaders and have the courage to stand up for things they believed in, but also humble about their leadership abilities.</span> </h4>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, and they'd be content. Not necessarily happy, but content. These all seem like reasonable expectations</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">, right? </span><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></h4>
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jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7585417204273484413.post-36048160278308969262017-04-14T18:47:00.001-07:002017-04-14T18:47:01.653-07:00Kids, earmuffs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF9DmiZLsmkLIYi-suRrA_t9PnmGWwsAxXrK6nByJhLERIF-zJiwY7_Ikv76UJWXYD6dSMAeNJJkhpLCAZIdEnZc7qPj3NIq7vCc0eTXnzK1YtT2i-9CoSFBl0SZ6LdAoB4XWbCoHHnBk/s1600/2000px-Parental_Advisory_label.svg.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF9DmiZLsmkLIYi-suRrA_t9PnmGWwsAxXrK6nByJhLERIF-zJiwY7_Ikv76UJWXYD6dSMAeNJJkhpLCAZIdEnZc7qPj3NIq7vCc0eTXnzK1YtT2i-9CoSFBl0SZ6LdAoB4XWbCoHHnBk/s320/2000px-Parental_Advisory_label.svg.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<h3>
I Wanna Be a Toy's R 'Us Kid</h3>
I celebrated another year of birth a few weeks ago, which gave me the opportunity to reflect on the various ways in which I've become a crotchety old man. Following my birthday two years ago, I provided some <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/04/whats-my-age-again.html">commentary </a>on the tell-tale signs of my personal realization of my old age. They all still apply.<br />
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This winter we took advantage of a couple of kid friendly special movie showings at our local movie theater. You know, the times when they have a free or extremely discounted second run kids film, typically sponsored through a local business for some good PR. The inexpensive cost, or lack of cost, for the movie tickets themselves, help your personal justification for purchasing unnecessary popcorn and candy amounting to at least what you likely would have paid for regularly priced movie tickets in the first place. It always amazes me how a "free" kid event can often turn into a sizable financial investment.<br />
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The movies typically shown are usually in the PG range, attempting to cater to a variety of audience age-levels. As designated by the Motion Picture Association of America, the PG rating implies that parental guidance is suggested as some material might not be suitable for children. During an increasing amount of these "special showings", I've found myself being somewhat taken aback at how much material doesn't seem to be suitable for children. Or, in my view, at least not my children. Yes, that doesn't make me sound any less like a crotchety old man, but it's a role I seem to be coming to embrace.<br />
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As someone who tends to be relatively particular about word usage (in case it wasn't readily apparent), watching my own tongue around my kids hasn't been too challenging of an exercise. I vividly remember when Isla our oldest was about 18 months, overhearing the toddler room teacher at her daycare instruct the kids to "sit on their bumpers". It seemed to be such a cute and folksy term, that it has stuck with us as a pretty exclusive reference term to any private anatomy part, male or female. It has slowly faded within the past few months, as Gus, our youngest, at the ripe age of two, seemed to be the first kid in our house to learn the word "penis" and has made a point to use it whenever applicable, and not so applicable. Ugh, boys.....<br />
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Staying home with the kids, I can obviously keep better tabs on what they are and are not being exposed to. My kid's first amendment rights definitely get infringed upon often. Earlier this year, we downgraded our cable options, so the only kid friendly programming accessible in our house comes via PBS^. But even having a better ability than most to censor what my kids are exposed to, I've found you still have to be pretty vigilant. On countless occasions I've omitted words and changed story lines in the midst of reading books to my kids to skip over things I don't entirely feel comfortable with them hearing, or me saying out loud in front of them. Whether they are Disney classics - my kids still are a little unclear on the Huntsman's reason for taking Snow White into the forest - or even stories from "The Good Book" - I tend to make a few minor edits to the Easter story. With Isla starting kindergarten this past year, obviously she has been exposed to some of the larger ills of society. Fortunately, she has retained a certain level of naivete. She currently thinks the "S" word is "stupid", and up until recently would sing the title lyric of the Walk the Moon song as, "you're so fancy."<br />
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Beyond the ad-libbing that can be done while reading stories, I've become more and more aware at some of the places where my kids can be exposed to very adult concepts. As a somewhat regular public radio listener (again, because I am old), I was getting caught up on the news headlines one day while en route to the grocery store with the kids. One of the news bits revolved around a murder trial for a man who cut up someone's body and put it in a suitcase. Half paying attention to the story, since I was laser focused on getting the best gas mileage out of the van, a question came in from the back seats from our five year old inquiring, "why somebody would put somebody in a suitcase." I've since restricted my public radio listening in the car to time when they kids have fallen asleep. As an alternative to driving in silence, or with just screaming kids, I keep an iPod of kid's music readily available or our radio dialed tuned to the local Christian music station. <br />
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One of the more recent books I read* was Dr. Leonard Sax's <i>The Collapse of Parenting</i>. The subtitle of the book is "How we fail our kids when we treat them like adults." Dr. Sax argues that by exposing our children at too young of an age to arguably adult concepts, we are encouraging/forcing them to grow up too quickly. To make matters worse, as parents we too often fail to help foster the development of our kids that actually turns them into capable adults. I've personally seen this while observing parents speaking to their kids in very adult ways, but then treating them like kids. I'm sure that I've done this from time to time as well. It took me a little while, but I have gotten comfortable responding to my kids, when asked about something that I think is beyond their age/maturity, that we will discuss it when they are older. <br />
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Dr. Sax also acknowledges what he sees as a culture of disrespect among children and teens toward their parents and authoritative figures, highly perpetuated by our various entertainment mediums. He points out the typical story line of a Nickelodeon or Disney channel show, where the portrayed family dynamic is a kid who knows it all and has no reservations about telling his/her dorky parents how it is. Naturally you can't keep your kids in a bubble, but as a parent you have to set parameters on what you think is appropriate for your kids; behavior, language, hobbies, food choices, etc. One of my favorite lines from the book was, "if you are doing your job as a parent, then sometimes you will have to do things that will upset your child. If you are concerned that your child won't love you anymore, that concern may keep you from doing your job. Do your job." As the parent you get to call the shots.<br />
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One aspect that Dr. Sax discussed is his book, and is something that I've found myself baffled by as well as a parent, is the frequency of kid's apparel being littered with excessively narcissistic messages. My daughter has a shirt that says "Princess of Everything". Odds are if you have a kid (or two) you have in your house a kid sized shirt (or 25) that has a saying that seen on an adult could be considered mildly offensive. But yet on a kid, it's cute. Even if the kid can't read (thank God) and mostly certainly can't understand the intended humor, or lack thereof. Beyond shirts with questionable script, kid's clothes tend to be geared to mimic adults, or make kids look more like adults. Matching puffy vests for the whole family? Ah, isn't that cute. I learned this past fall that you can purchase a sports bra in a size 5, apparently making it a requisite wardrobe piece for some people's five year-olds. <br />
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Something that I think may play a factor in the increased pace in which our kids are exposed to adult concepts is the way in which we've tried to make parenting work better for parents. Take a kid's movie. If you have seen one recently, you are probably well aware that adult humor tends to be interspersed throughout the film. While I appreciate the nuanced references and find myself chuckling along from time to time, I can't help but wonder if by trying to make "kid things" tolerable for adults, we are inadvertently expediting the childhood experience. Sure most of it is likely over the kids' heads anyway, but if adult humor seems to be a necessary component of a kid's movie in effort to keep parents engaged, I think we may be missing the point of family entertainment a little.<br />
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Beyond kid geared entertainment, there are a myriad of other ways that we parents tend to try to make parenting work better for us. This is not surprising given the fact that on average people are having kids at a later age, and are typically more ingrained in a lifestyle that they expect to continue in some form after having kids. While I am a big <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/02/ignoring-my-kids.html">advocate</a> for retaining a sense of individuality after becoming a parent, it often times seems like we try to do both at once. And when we do this, or attempt to do it, we can open up the realms of that adult world to our kids without even realizing. Technology and our various mediums certainly play a big role here, as we have the ability to be connected to the "adult world" whenever we please. But if we, as parents, struggle at times to see clear lines of delineation between "parentland" and "adult world", imagine how confused it can make our kids. If you've instructed your child not to use a certain descriptive noun to reference his/her younger sibling, then it would be wise to refrain from using that same noun to describe your boss to your spouse. Mind like a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcPoUPTpcps">sponge</a>, Focker.<br />
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Or take something like the clothing aspect. To me, the concept of "fashion" seems to be a very adult thing. When we begin to expose our kids to these ideas of what "looks good" based on our adult perceptions of social norms, we are opening up another avenue to which they can both judge themselves and others. It's as though we put our kids in "cute" clothes so that they will be more pleasing for us parents, and the other adults who will judge us based on the appearance of our children, to look at. With this being our year of <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2017/01/2017-year-of-do-it-yourself.html">encouraging self-sufficiency</a>, one of the tasks for our oldest daughter each night is to pick out her outfit for school the next day. Once she happened to pick out a pair of pants and a shirt that didn't really go together, and while I contemplated saying something to her, I realized that as a five year old, it isn't pertinent for her grasp what color combinations pair well. I was just happy that she had picked out clothes that she would actually put on and would <a href="https://mygreenestkingdom.blogspot.com/2015/02/as-long-as-ive-got-my-suit-tie.html">work </a>with the following day's forecast. Even as a kindergardener though, she has definitely started to realize that there are certain brands that are "cooler" than others. Fortunately, for our pocketbook, she currently has no qualms with wearing hand-me-down underwear. <br />
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As Dr. Sax recommends, if we want to have good kids, we have to be better people. Our kids may not always listen to us, or seem like are paying attention, but they are certainly going to pick up on the things they want to. Odds are the things they will want to pick up on are the unsavory items; whether it be our foul language or bad behaviors, or that of their peers. We can't filter out every unpleasant thing, but as parents we have the ability and responsibility to set parameters on what we think is appropriate. They will eventually grow up and learn all of the curse words, and what behavior will get them sent to the principal's office (hopefully by watching another kid's first hand experience). They'll also learn, sooner rather than later, what is "fashionable" and what impact apparel can have on popularity and social acceptance. This will also likely be an introduction into the differences in socio-economic status among their peers. <br />
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To me those all seem like some heavy topics that my kids probably will have trouble grasping until their older. And even when they are older, they still might not understand them. But as often as we tell them to stop growing, we can't stop them from growing. Thus I'm going to do what I can now to keep certain concepts away from them for as long as possible, or at least do what I can to not be the one provides them the introduction. I'm going to continue to censor what they can be exposed to whenever I feel appropriate because, like Dr. Sax suggests, I'm the parent and I can. It may make me seem a bit overly protective, and my vernacular sound a bit corny accent (ah, shucks!). But I figure someone has to hate their fun from time to time, and it might as well be me. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKINYR8nPy0itpnzIj-gsXRCuudeFBMv_8iQonA6OC6FHkLsQB56uz95JjpKN4ATRoq0OycvQC96bJ-Goh6Sv0vqRP2U179a26fP-C6ijIhGw-_3kdCpCdFmcC2Khhyphenhyphen5U2HJvo7WbmtAc/s1600/isla.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKINYR8nPy0itpnzIj-gsXRCuudeFBMv_8iQonA6OC6FHkLsQB56uz95JjpKN4ATRoq0OycvQC96bJ-Goh6Sv0vqRP2U179a26fP-C6ijIhGw-_3kdCpCdFmcC2Khhyphenhyphen5U2HJvo7WbmtAc/s320/isla.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Defiant act of political protest?</td></tr>
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^My ulterior motive in reducing the variety of kid-appropriate programming my kids had access to was the hope that they'd eventually get bored with the same old shows, and no longer incessantly ask to watch TV.<br />
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*Wouldn't be a blog post if I didn't make a book reference. <br />
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jonbrunshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07144266619715719589noreply@blogger.com0