Me Too

Of Course, Me Too

If you don't spend a lot of time on Facebook or Twitter, then you may not have been aware of the recent prominence of the hashtag #metoo.  In light of the flood of allegations of sexual assault and harassment by Harvey Weinstein, actress Alyssa Milano encouraged sexual harassment and assault victims to use on social media to come forward with their own stories.  The goal of the campaign, which was actually started before hashtags even existed, was to raise awareness of the sheer number of people, especially women, who have been victims of sexual harassment and assault.  Sadly, the odds are high you probably know someone who used the hashtag, or even worse, used it yourself.  On the day of Milano's tweet, the hashtag was used more than 100,000 times.   

While sexual harassment and assault can happen between any dynamic of people, we most commonly think of it as women being sexually harassed and assaulted by men.  Yes, men can be sexually harassed and assaulted by women, as well as other men.  Women can also be sexually harassed and assaulted by other women.  Transgender and those who do not eschew to the gender binary can be sexually harassed and assaulted by men, women or other trans individuals.  They can also obviously be the ones doing the harassing.  But given the precedence of high profile men or groups of men committing the disturbing acts, our stereotypical view of sexual harassment and assault is understandable.  The sheer number of victims sharing stories and using the hashtag tends doesn't do much to challenge that view.

I did not Tweet or use the hashtag #metoo, although I likely could have in its suggested context.  Even if you are a straight guy like me, odds are you have been sexually harassed or assaulted at some point in your life - likely by your male peers in a locker room or as part of some hazing ritual.  Or, as has happened to me before, by someone whose sexual orientation is different than your own.  That certainly happens, and it should not be tolerated any more than the widespread sexual harassment and assault that women endure on a daily basis.  If I thought long enough, I could probably also recall a time when I was sexually harassed, and maybe even assaulted, by a woman.  Even despite my #dadbod, I've been "cat-called" or had my ass grabbed without my consent.  Likely when I was mistaken for someone considerably more attractive.

When I first read about the #metoo campaign, I wondered if a potentially more powerful and probably more insightful use of the hashtag would be having those of us, especially us men, acknowledge the times that we've been the perpetrators of sexual harassment and sexual assault.  If that was the case, then I have to admit that I would be using the hashtag.  My guess is that if you are a guy, and you thought long and hard and really considered what sexual harassment and sexual assault can consist of, you probably would have to use it too.  Apparently I was not the only one who has had a similar thought.  Not long after the #MeToo campaign came out, a #HowIWillChange campaign encouraged men to take some onus on stopping sexual assault and harassment.  As with seemingly everything today, it was also immediately met with its own criticism. 

While the #MeToo campaign has certainly raised more awareness of the issue, it's tough to predict what impact, if any, it will have decreasing sexual harassment and sexual assault, especially in the stereotypical view of which we think of it - men as the perpetrators and women as the victims.  Especially considering that a number of anti-sexual assault/harassment PR campaigns have existed since the 1970s.  Some people, especially men, have commented on the personal nature of the #MeToo campaign.  We hear about the high profile cases that become public, but #MeToo has given all victims (another) platform for sharing their stories - which can easily include our own family, friends, neighbors and coworkers.  The fact that we should be surprised that someone we personally know has been a victim of sexual harassment or assault shows our complete obliviousness to the magnitude of the problem, given the staggering statistics that 1 out of 6 women in America will be the victim of rape or an attempted rape.  Non-scientific, conservative guesstimates put the percentage of women who will be sexually harassed at least once in their life at 105% (margin of error 3%). 

I became aware of my own predatory behavior a few years ago while reading Michael Kimmel's book, Guyland.  A prominent voice on men, masculinity and the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, especially on college campuses, Kimmel's book made me see that my own behavior at times could easily classify as sexual harassment or even sexual assault.  Granted most of those incidents happened under the influence of mind-altering chemicals, but just as consent can never be given while intoxicated, at least in some states, intoxication cannot be used as a justification for committing sexual harassment or assault.  Even before my days of imbibing, which I'm somewhat ashamed to admit started much earlier than they should have, my raging pubescent hormones and desire to prove myself to my peers, and myself by way of my peers judgment, led me to misogynistic behavior that probably should have landed me a short stay in a juvenile detention center.  Herd mentality being about as legitimate an excuse as drunken stupidity.

Since becoming a parent, I tend to look at social issues, especially the unsavory ones, through the lens of its impact on my kids.  I do not want my kids, especially my daughters, to be victims of sexual harassment or sexual assault.  But at this point, the statistics don't look very promising.  The fact that their mother is incredibly attractive does little to ease my concerns.  Equally though, I do not want my kids, especially my son, to be perpetrators of sexual harassment or sexual assault.  I can't guarantee that they won't, but I can reinforce my belief that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated.  If I want to effectively do that, I have to acknowledge the fact that I've been, as Michael Ellsberg puts it, "That Guy".  It's shameful, embarrassing and uncomfortable to admit, but it pales in comparison to the pain that those who have been victimized experience.  And while my actions have been no where near those of Mr. Weinstein, or Mr. O'Reilly, or Mr. Cosby, or the countless other male celebrities, sports stars, current and past politicians; any sexual harassment or assault, no matter how small or "innocent" it can seem to the one doing it, is too much. 

If we really want to change the culture of sexual harassment and assault in our society, we have to change our perception of who it effects.  As Angelina Chapin points out, "sexual harassment and assault are always framed as a women's issue."  But in reality, more often than not it is an issue created for women by the predatory behavior of men.  A campaign like #MeToo, and the countless other campaigns before it, bring the attention to the victims but also tend to make it their problem to solve.  The problem won't be solved, or even probably get much better, until those of us who have been perpetrators acknowledge our role in perpetuating the culture, either implicitly or complicity.  It draws similarities to author/activist Tim Wise's reasoning to why he, a white man, works so hard to end racism.  He sees racial discrimination as a problem created for people of color by white people, and subsequently a problem that needs to be fixed by white people.

As a married, father of three who is no longer searching for a reproductive mate, it may seem easy to fess up to my own transgressions and, as some have critiqued, give myself a self-congratulatory pat on the back for how I have changed and don't do that anymore.  But my job as a parent is to help my kids avoid the same mistakes I made.  I can't go back and undo the things that I've done.  Maybe had I been more considerate of the the fact that one day I would likely be a father, and would not want those things done to my daughters, or done by my son, it might have deterred some of my own  offensive behavior.  Through my experiences though, I can show my kids how even someone who purports to have a lot of respect for women can be easily advance the all too familiar misogynistic narrative.  Considering the myriad of ways in which we objectify and sexualize others, especially women, in some of our most prominent institutions, it is something that seems to need continual addressing. 

When asked about the Weinstein allegations, President Trump, who said he "has known Harvey Weinstein for a long time", admitted that he "wasn't surprised".  With the President himself having been accused of sexual assault and harassment by over a dozen women, it seems to be something he may be familiar with.  During the 2016 Presidential campaign, when the infamous Access Hollywood tapes surfaced, then candidate Trump classified it as "locker room talk", something he did again when asked to compare his remarks in 2005 with the Weinstein allegations.  In my view, Trump's denial of actually doing what he says he did in the video is more disturbing than him merely claiming he did, or could do it.  If he did it, it's sexual assault.  If he didn't do it, he felt the need to say that he did and can (which is still sexual assault).  Thus suggesting that he thinks it is okay and others, like the impressionable Billy Bush, should do the same.  Given the President's track record in respectful behavior toward women, I doubt he'd be leading the charge of tweets, despite his fondness for the platform, in any #MeToo campaign that focused on the perpetrators.

Sadly, I don't think the issue of sexual harassment and sexual assault, especially against women, will be going anyway anytime soon.  I would like to think that this time around, the #MeToo campaign will really have some positive effect, and I think that any campaign raising awareness of an issue so prevalent in our society has plenty of merit.  We've certainly come a long way from the time of when "Mr. Weinstein came of age", but we've definitely still got a long ways to go, and we tend to be reminded of this weekly, as the next big sexual harassment or assault story comes to light.  That certainly doesn't mean that we shouldn't try though.  If we want to make this world a place where our daughters, and our sons, aren't viewed as sexual conquests based on the way they dress or express their sexuality, then we need to shut down the behavior of the perpetrators that leads to that.  If we don't want to find out that our sons, or our daughters, have been the perpetrators of sexual harassment or assault, we have to demonstrate why that behavior has no place in our society. 

While I want a place like that to exist for my kids, it would be hypocritical to not want it to exist for everyone else's kids, which is everybody.  Continuing the push to get to that place, which women have been advocating for far too long, requires men and especially us fathers to acknowledge how we've contributed to the culture of sexual harassment and assault that exists today, either through our own actions or lack of action.  We need to realize that we have just as much, if not more, responsibility to bring it to an end.  And not just by tweeting about it.



This was a pretty heavy topic, and obviously not one that lends itself well to humor for good reason.  Before recognizing that I myself had been a perpetrator of sexual assault and harassment, I was like most guys and didn't really even understand what constituted sexual assault and sexual harassment.  You can obviously read the legal jargon and try to make sense of its ambiguity, which likely perpetuates the problem.   I thought this popular meme of Comedian Peter White seems to sum it up pretty succinctly though.
      

                                   

Mom Was Right About Football

#boycottnfl

It's been Fall (officially) for a month, which means it is football season here in the US.  If you've followed the President's Twitter feed in the past few weeks, you may be aware that our highest elected official has taken some issue with the NFL recently.  More specifically, the President has voiced his displeasure with certain athletes who have chosen not to stand for the National Anthem, which proceeds each gridiron match, as a matter of protest for a variety of perceived injustices.  He's also admonished the various coaches, general managers and owners who have allowed this, in the President's view, unpatriotic behavior.  In one of his official tweets, the President suggested that fans stop going to NFL games until the players stop disrespecting the flag and the country, and in another "re-tweeted" something that included the hashtag "#boycottnfl".  The feud seemed to hit a precipice two weeks ago, when Vice President Mike Pence walked out of a game, apparently as directed to by his boss, between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers, the team with which the National Anthem protest began during the 2016-17 season.

While the President and I have some pretty profound philosophical differences on a number of issues (okay, most every issue), this is actually one of his suggestions that I can support, albeit for very different reasons.  In fact, I've been on my own personal boycott of most all football consumption, the NFL in particular, for the past three years.  Admittedly, I've been considerably less public about my abstention and have significantly fewer Twitter followers* than @realDonaldTrump.  I have alluded before via this blog about my disdain for the sport, and this overdue post seems like an appropriate time to divulge more on why I would be completely fine with football (in its current form) ceasing to exist.

Growing up, my Mom was adamant that I not participate in organized football.  “It’s too dangerous and you will get hurt,” was her argument.  While her opinion toward the sport was not the sole reason I did not play football growing up, as I certainly engaged in a number of other things she explicitly told me not to, it did likely play a factor in my decision.  In retrospect (of course), I am extremely grateful that she voiced her opinion as strongly as she did.  Had I really wanted to play, undoubtedly she would have supported me with as much enthusiasm as she has done, and continues to do, with all of my other pursuits.  Fortunately, for her sake, and mine, I was as much of a "pussy" (in stereotypical terms) in my adolescence as I am now^, and never got around to putting on the pads.  Just those maxi-pads (since I was a pussy, get it?).

I know what you are thinking; "liberal, stay at home dad is a anti-football, big shocker."  The reality is that I haven't always been such a football antagonist.  Growing up I spent countless hours watching football and playing informal games (mostly one-on-one against myself) in my backyard.  As a youngster, I was convinced that I would one day play football for the Fightin' Irish.  When those dreams were dashed, I still found myself at a college with a storied football program of which I was a fervent, if not often intoxicated fan.  For a number of years I managed a chronically under-performing fantasy football team, and to this day, one of my favorite games on the Super Nintendo gaming platform is Tecmo Super Bowl.  While those memories all hold a certain level of fondness for me, they don't overshadow my belief that the sport of football perpetuates an unnecessary culture of violence that is just as dangerous off the field as it is on.   

You can certainly be critical about any professional sport, and as someone who likes to pretend to be a sport sociologist, I've become considerably less fanatic of virtually every professional spectator sport.  But in my view, football takes the cake.  Whether it is your on-field issues of excessive injuries, especially concussions and brain injuries, or the locker room culture of misogyny and homophobia with not so subtle notes of racism sprinkled in that, in my view, promote a general degradation of human value.  This is amplified by the fact that without a doubt, football is the most popular sport in America, and every time we (the Royal We) spend an exorbitant amount of time on Friday nights, Saturdays, Sundays, Monday nights, and now even Thursday nights cheering on such an environment, it becomes more ingrained in our ethos and accepted in our society.

The most obvious knock on football is the violent nature of the sport, and the increased risk for injury, especially a head or brain injury.  Football proponents often like to cite a, somewhat foggy, statistic that you are more likely to sustain a concussion playing soccer than you are playing football.  This may be true statistically, and it may not also be particularly relevant, as other studies have begun to look at the effects of other types of brain injury, like CTE, which may be just as bad as a concussion, if not worse.  To me, though, the difference lies in how these injuries are sustained.  Football by its very nature is violent.  Injuries, especially ones involving the head and brain, are almost always the result of two players engaging in action that anywhere besides the football field (or boxing ring or ice rink) would likely be considered assault and battery. 

For this reason, some scientists have started to examine possible correlations between potential brain damage and aggressive behavior among current and former NFL players, citing the league's disproportionately high arrest rate for domestic violence in comparison to other sports.  It's a pretty well established fact, as psychologist Adrian Raine points out, that a damaged prefrontal cortex, a likely outcome of repeated blows to the head, can raise the odds of impulsive and aggressive behavior.  By no means does this condone the off field behavior of players like Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson or Greg Hardy, but given the beating they take on the field, can we really be that surprised when they act in a violent manner during a tense moment?  Of course we would hope that athletes could differentiate between what behavior is only acceptable on the field, but when they are paid millions of dollars to do physical damage to others, or to have it be done to them, I can see where some confusion might exist.     

Beyond the potential for a compromised prefontal cortex, anyone who has played football or watched a football coach engage with the players, knows that football players are taught to be aggressive.  This is especially true in the NFL, where the difference between winning or losing, or even making a roster can be millions of dollars, but it can permeate to all levels of the game.  Recall the New Orleans Saints "Bountygate" which came to light following the 2011 season?  In 2012, the year Head Coach Sean Payton had to "sit-out" for his role in the scandal, he managed to stay busy by helping coach the Liberty Christian (emphasis mine) 6th Grade Team.  Don't worry, he was back to the NFL after that, signing a new five year contract that made him the highest paid coach in NFL history.

The sport creates and perpetuates this culture of violence and aggression by the collective roar of approval the fans give any time someone gets "lit up" on the field.  It encourages players to find success on the field by, as Pro Bowl Defensive Back Richard Sherman aptly put it, "going to a dark place...where there is a lot of animosity and frustration."  How else can we expect grown men to get hyped up to play a game that is, “meant to kill each other” as Dutch speed-skating coach Jillert Anema candidly described it.  I think it also perpetuates this culture when it fosters an environment of misogyny and homophobia by actively pushing out those, like Chris Kluwe, Jonathan Martin, and Michael Sam, who don't fit the desired mold of the "tough macho man", a stereotype that even found its way into this past week's episode of "This Is Us".  Personally, I never fit that mold (as if that wasn't glaringly apparent), and I see little benefit in promoting that mold as the preferred one for impressionable young boys or anyone else.        

Unfortunately, the culture created by football is one that our society seems willing to accept for the sport to be what it is.  A culture we essentially celebrate, given the amount of public and private resources that are dedicated to it.  Even my own state of Minnesota, which I've always viewed as relatively progressive, found a half billion dollars of public money to help build a new professional football stadium, while subsequently being unable to pony up half as much for a universal preschool program.  And while viewership of NFL games might be declining (and certainly not because of my or probably the President's call to boycott), an estimated 203 million (about 62%) of the US population tuned in at some point to watch an NFL game during the 2016 season.  The Super Bowl is still perennially the most watched event on TV each year, providing more than ample justification of the exorbitant fees charged for advertisement slots. 

Combine that with the number of college football games, where Division I is essentially a minor league NFL (with comparable on and off field problems), high school football games, and youth leagues, and football has a very prominent place in our society, especially this time of year.  Of course you also can't overlook the billion dollar industry of fantasy football and sports betting, and all of the time that is required to support that industry.  If there is potential correlation between playing the sport of football and being more prone to aggressive behavior, I would hypothesize that the sheer act of consuming large amounts of football would make one more prone to aggressive behavior.  If you have the financial resources and/or academic know-how to conduct such a study, let me know, I'd be happy to consult on it.

Of course there are a number of incredible things you can learn from the sport of football; teamwork, hard work, perseverance, dedication, time management, etc.  The world is certainly filled with passionate football players and fans who are incredible and kind people.  By leveling my objections about the sport, I don't mean to imply that playing the sport or being a fan makes you a horrible person prone to violence and uncontrollable aggression.  Football certainly has a lot of great qualities, but you have to take the bad with the good.  I believe that any of those benefits you can get from playing football can also be attained through other sports, or various other activities, that are considerably less violent and dangerous.     

I would also argue that the reason football is so popular, especially here in the US, is because of the violent and aggressive nature of the game, which encourages those who play it to do so in a manner that can be seriously injurious to both themselves and others - potentially both on and off the field.  It is, as author Gregg Easterbrook observes, "quintessentially American - too violent, too loud, too commercialized."  The game could no doubt be made considerably safer, but who would watch it? Would people really tune in to watch professional flag football?  Even the one most passionately, and often incoherently, calling for a boycott of the sport believes it is "going soft" due to excessive regulations+  to protect player safety.

There is a sports bar that I often drive past (en route to our girl's dance studio of all places) whose marquee last fall claimed it as "Football Heaven."  Presumably this was because of the bar patrons' ability to watch any football game they would want on any or all of the establishment's very large televisions.  As I repeatedly drove past this sign, I thought about what a "Football Heaven" might actually look like.  I wondered if that is where guys like Junior Seau and Dave Duerson end up.  Or maybe the 92 high school football players who died between 2005 and 2014.  Maybe Odin Lloyd is there (probably not Aaron Hernandez).  Maybe in football heaven everyone just plays two hand touch, or maybe there isn't any football at all.  All I know is that, thanks in large part to my Mom's wisdom, I'll probably never find out.  Before we had a son, I used to joke that I was glad we had only had girls, so I (presumably) wouldn't have to discourage them from playing football.  And while I know that my son looks like a "future linebacker" (he actually has more of an O-line build at this point), I'm going to be just as adamant, if not more, that he not play that position, or any other position on the football field.  Ever.  Not even punter.

Think again dude.

*Seeing as I lack a Twitter handle, my exact number of Twitter followers is zero.

^I actually like to say "pacifist".

+Pretty certain he actually said "rules", but given how often he talks about "excessive regulation", the term seemed to fit


Whether you are a football protagonist or antagonist like me, I'd highly recommend the following reads on the sport.  They have provided me with some valuable insight into the role football plays in our society.  I think they objectively examine the both the good and the bad of the sport.

"Against Football" - Steve Almond

"The King of Sports"  and "The Game's Not Over" - Gregg Easterbrook