Dude Looks Like a Lady
We're closing in on the end of the year, the time when we typically reflect on the past twelve months and the year that was, taking stock of the highlights and the low-lights. Personally, it's the time of year when I get consumed by assembling our yearly slideshow, a compilation of photos taken throughout the year set to some of my favorite tunes released this year. The end result is usually a 10 minute video that our family will watch once, maybe twice. This provides enough justification for me to spend too many late nights on it.
2019 was certainly a year for the books, and given the magnitude of what has transpired even over these last few months, and the general busyness of this time of year, one could be forgiven if they forgot that less than six months ago, the US Women's National Soccer Team won their second consecutive and fourth overall World Cup. And win might be a meager term. They broke multiple records during their World Cup title run, including; most goals scored both in one match (13) and throughout the duration of the tournament (26), fewest goals allowed (3), most players to score in one game (7), and most goals scored by one player in a game (5). They posted four shutouts and never trailed in any of their seven World Cup matches. Yes, it was more of a domination.
The success of the Women's National Team was celebrated across the nation, and the globe, and having two girls involved in a youth summer soccer league, we even got caught up in the excitement. We didn't watch every match, but we certainly followed it more closely than we do other women's sports - or men's for that matter. Naturally though, there were plenty of critics of the team, with some negative commentary coming from surprising places, but not necessarily surprising people. But as T. Swift says, "the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate."
One thing that I seemed to notice, and other, more considerably talented purveyors of opinions have commented on, was that the Women's National Team was primarily being criticized for acting like men. They won. Indeed they "laid a smackdown" on their opponents, and they were unapologetic in their dominance. They scored at will (in a field of play where every goal counts), and they celebrated each and every one of those goals as though it was the most monumental event since the last goal. And this was, to some (mostly men), off putting, unprofessional, classless, even rude. Despite one of the players being critiqued pointing out that sort of behavior is commonplace in men's games. And in light of the fact that three months prior to the World Cup, the US Women's National Team filed a lawsuit against the governing body of the sport for gender discrimination.
Now, I know this will come across like my semi-regular exercise of "male bashing", but as the father of two young girls, and a son who I expect to show utmost respect to women, it's hard not to want to examine this quandary we tend to put women in, and ultimately girls who will grow up to be those women. We deprive them of opportunities to succeed in ways comparable to boys, especially in sports and other areas deemed important to the masses - business, politics, etc. And when we do give them rare opportunities to prove their mettle, we take offense when they act like men, despite that being the only precedent we've given them to measure success.
A few months after the Women's National team domination in the World Cup, author Ruth Whippman wrote an Op-Ed in the New York Times that suggested we encourage men to "lean out" instead of always encouraging women and girls to "lean in". The notion predicates that men set the standard for behavior and what is worth attaining, without questioning if that is even beneficial for all of us as a society. Whippman argues that the over-assertiveness of men can be directly linked to some of our more pressing social issues, and points out the oft-cited research that men tend to be overestimate their own capabilities. Or as Whippman succinctly puts it, "women generally aren't failing to speak up; the problem is that men are refusing to pipe down."
Having read Whippmann's book America the Anxious, I've had the opportunity to appreciate her salient observations on parenting, and believe her argument has some merit. Our encouragement of women and girls to be more like the men who have achieved success in business, sports and political life, and often in large part because they've "won the gender lottery"*, does a genuine disservice to both men and women, as well as those who do not identify with either gender or with multiple genders. This is especially true when women find success and we criticize them for acting "unladylike".
I've often wondered what it would look like if women ran the world. I've commented before that I am no stranger to being in the gender minority. Most of my adolescence consisted of being raised by a mom and older sister. All of my professional bosses have been women, and on more than one occasion I have been the sole male in my immediate work setting - including a five year stint at an all women's college. It is a humbling experience, and one I think most guys would benefit from at least temporarily. I'm not advocating that every working man seek out a female boss, just as I don't suggest that every dad (or mom) be a stay at home parent. But having had these experiences I am acutely aware of what women are capable of. Indeed men with accomplished women in our lives in some form, which essentially means all of us, know how invaluable those women are to not only ourselves, but society at large. Is there really any coincidence that both Siri and Alexa are voiced by females?
So why do we continue to expect women to try and achieve success through the male lens? Why does the male standard set the standard? Why do we have the WNBA and the NBA, and not the MNBA^? Why do female employees need to use legal recourse to make accommodations for situations that often get overlooked by male executives? Wouldn't we benefit from having more male elementary school teachers to serve as educational role models for young boys?
I realize these are all relatively rhetorical questions, but as I write this, while keeping an eye on one of our daughters at dance class, I can't help but ponder one more: What if, instead of spending most of our Sundays in the fall watching professional football, we watched professional ballet? Yes, that seems like an absurd notion, but is it not equally absurd that our four year old son, who loves to dance at home (and actually has some pretty good moves), has already been socialized to think that dance is something that only girls do. In attempt to encourage more boys to take classes, the studio our girls dance at actually offers half price classes for boys. I mean, we could also watch professional women's soccer, as that seemed to draw a following this summer.
During one of the World Cup matches we happened to catch, I openly wondered how other countries found adequate female athletes to field squads. We are likely well aware of the soccer craze in essentially every other country besides the US, but that typically is seen solely in terms of men's leagues. We're also likely aware of the rising popularity of soccer as a youth sport in the US, especially among girls. Most of our support of girls and women in sport exists at the participatory setting of youth sports, and then to a smaller degree at the collegiate and professional level. But while the US has seemed to set the standard for women's athletic success, we have yet to have a female head of state, like a number of other countries competing in the Women's World cup, and women are still severely underrepresented in congress and at the executive level of Fortune 500 companies.
Having a female president or more female CEOS is certainly not a panacea for gender parity. I would posit though that the 2016 Election was as much about Hillary Clinton's un-electability as a candidate as it was about the unrealistic expectations we place on women in the US - but that's another story. Even the managing editor of Forbes had to admit that women "didn't stand much of a chance" when they released their 100 Most Innovative Leaders List earlier this year. Given those contexts, it's not hard (for me at least) to understand why the Women's National Team felt the need to celebrate with such exuberance and grandiose. Indeed the "antics" of the Women's National team might have seemed more noticeable considering they are only given the opportunity to showcase their talent at that level every four years.
Do I think their actions and behavior were a little over the top? Yeah, to a certain degree. But I also believe the lack of support that we've given capable women, the way we've stacked the deck against them by making them play the man's game, and then criticized them when they've found a way to win anyway is equally, if not more, over the top. So let them celebrate. I also know that I'd much rather have my girls, and my son, look to the US Women's National team as role models, as opposed to those who criticized the way in which the team celebrated the success they've continual been told they don't deserve.
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| If any of them (yes, any of them) want to dye their hair pink, I'm cool with that. Just as long as they take it easy on the F-Bombs (for now at least). |
^The MNBA actually stands for the Mongolian Basketball Association, so there would probably be some licensing things to work out.
*Direct Quote from Dr. Tago Mharapara; used before and will undoubtedly use again
