Guilty As Charged

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again

We're almost a month removed from the Lenten season, which means, if you're like me, you have consumed an equal amount of chocolate that you gave up during those forty days.  I gave up a host of things for Lent, chocolate/sweets being one of them.  I don't do it because I'm overtly religious, but I tend to take some small pleasure in mild masochism.  You could make an argument that all parents are masochists in some way.  The whole point of giving up something for a period of time is that it's supposed to be a challenge and involve a bit of suffering.  Sounds a lot like parenting.

Along with chocolate, alcohol tends to be a common indulgence that people up for Lent.  In fact, in 2016, based on a unscientific analysis of Twitter, alcohol was the most common thing that people gave up for lent.  I remember going out with a group of people one night in my 20s, encountering someone who had given up drinking for lent, and having a hard time wrapping my head around the prospect.  The religion that I was raised in didn't push giving up things for lent, and somewhat ironically, as I've become less religious, I've tended to adopt more practices that have a religious historical context.

This year I did give up alcohol for lent, but it was a very knee-jerk, reactionary decision.  I've commented before that as I've aged, and hit my mid-30 about a month ago, I've gotten better at recognizing my limits when it comes to imbibing.  Every once and a while though I forget that I have limits, and one of the weekends leading into Lent, I took over-advantage of being 24 hours kid-free.  When the dust had settled, I found myself in a state I hadn't been in a good 5-7 years (and hopefully won't be again for another 10-15).  My decision to part ways with intoxicating beverages for a few weeks were eerily reminiscent of those particularly bad (and thankful rare) occasions of my younger years where I woke up a following morning (or afternoon) and swore I'd never drink again.  Only to have usually recovered by that evening and completely forgotten the oath I made to myself or God or whoever else I thought might get me through my hangover.  As your years increase, your recovery time tends to as well, and it took me until Wednesday morning to finally feel recovered from my Saturday night antics.

As a parent, you have a whole host of things to feel guilty about.  There are certainly no shortage of books and blogs and excessively long Facebook posts addressing parenting guilt.  For me, the guilt doesn't get laden much thicker than missing out on time with your kids because you're nursing a hangover.  Fortunately it hasn't happened that often, but the times when it has (mysteriously?) come about, I've felt like a pretty piece-of-shit parent.  Being under the weather and unable to attend to your kids brings on it's own level of guilt, which is amplified at least 295^ times when that under-the-weatherness is completely self induced.  Influenza S* as I referred to it following my most recent debacle.  To add to the guilt, if your kids are young and clueless enough, they will show such sincere concern for you.  As I spent the better part of a Sunday laying in bed wondering if I could convince my wife to take a sick day the next day, our kids would occasionally peek their heads in the door and ask if they could bring me anything to help me feel better.  This only made me feel that much worse.

So once I fully, or mostly recovered, I decided to give up drinking for a while.  Or at least until we celebrated the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and hunted for some Easter eggs.  I don't consume that much or that often, and I knew it likely wouldn't be the last time in my life I forgot those tenets, but it seemed like an appropriate decision given the timing of the incident and how long it took me to feel like a fully functional parent again.  I can't say that I made it all the way through Lent without having any, but if you adhere to the allowance of a cheat day each week, I did pretty well.  Definitely better than the chocolate.

I've never been a huge believer in guilt as a sustainable motivational tool to improve your life.  I certainly think it has its merits, as it did in my case a few months ago, but I see changes, especially lifestyle ones, motivated primarily by guilt as ones that don't last.  I believe wanting to do something because you feel better after you do it is more likely to create lasting habits than doing something because you feel guilty if you don't.  Exercise and going to church are perfect personal examples.  I don't exercise or go to church because I feel guilty if I don't.  I exercise and go to church (most of the time) because I feel better if I do.  Sure I may be motivated a little by guilt if I skip a workout or a Sunday, but by and large my impetus for engaging in those activities is because I know I will feel better after I do them.

I think the same can be said for parenting.  It's easy to feel guilty as a parent.  About everything.  Guilty about not spending enough time with your kids, guilty about not putting them in the right/enough/too many activities, guilty about letting them wear the same clothes two days in a row, guilty about feeding them mac and cheese multiple times a week.  But if we let that guilt be the prime motivator to try and be better parents, we allow it to consume us.  We shouldn't try to be more patient and loving parents because we feel guilty when we loose our cool and yell at our kids.  We should strive to be more patient and loving because it feels better to parent that way, and it's usually more effective (in the long run at least).  We've all been guilt tripped into doing things, and we've probably all guilt tripped our kids into doing things (or at least tried).  But we recognize how that behavior is temporary, until the next time that situation arises and we're dealt or are attempting to deal the guilty card.

This is not to say that a guilty conscience doesn't have place in parenting, or in life in general.  If parenting could truly be "guilt-free", my kids would subsist on flour tortillas and Dinosaur Train.  Yes, I feel guilty when I've turned on the TV for them so I could get some personal time.  But that guilt isn't the only reason I try to avoid the electronic babysitter as much as possible.  I'd rather play outside with them, or read books, or do something creative with them that I can post on Instagram and make other parents feel guilty.  I may lack the motivation to do those things at the time, like I usually lack motivation before a run, and it's really enticing to let them watch one more episode, especially when that's all they want to do.  I know though that spending that time with my kids, engaging them and interacting with them, even if they are melting down the entire time, will make me feel more fulfilled as a parent.  And possibly provide some good blog material.  I also know that if my kids watch too much TV, they turn into complete assholes.

So maybe it's not really "guilt-free" parenting that we're after.  Maybe it's "guilty enough".  Guilty enough to want to do better, but ultimately deciding to do better because you feel better from doing better.  That makes sense, right?  We're going to screw up a lot as parents, and we're going to feel guilty about it.  It's a natural emotion.  If all we feel is guilt for making those mistakes, we will continually make the same ones because we'll be consumed by that guilt.  Real world parenting will always have a plentiful amount of guilt that can be felt.  But just like masochism and intoxicating beverages, everything in moderation.       

I clean up their throw up after they get sick,
so why shouldn't they reciprocate?

         

^For some odd reason this is our 7 y/o's favorite number.  Whenever she complains about something taking a long time, it is always 295 seconds or hours or years.

*Should stand for Stupid, but since we don't use that word in our house, it stood for Should Have Made Better Life Choices