All By Myself
I love my kids, and my wife. I really do. I know when you say that it makes it seem like you don't, but trust me, I mean it. I'm incredibly fortunate that I get to spend as much time with them as I do. Every once in a while though, it's nice to get away, or have them get (go) away, and experience some good old fashioned solitude. Sometimes it's nice to get yourself out of house and go find a quiet spot in the woods to meditate, or your local sports bar to drink beer and eat wings. Other times though, it's nice to remain in your own domain without having to worry about providing for or looking after others. A king in his castle with no subjects to rule if you will.
Last month, I had two consecutive kid friend weekends, with the second weekend being followed up with two additional days free of parent duties. Again, I love my kids, but as someone who tends to spend an exorbitant amount of time with them (especially in the summer months), it was a welcome break. The first weekend, my wife and I actually got a chance to have a couple of kid-free days, and thankfully this time I did not take over-advantage. It was about the midway point between our birthdays, and since birthdays as parents usually become a family filled affair, we wanted to take a night (or two) for remember what life was like before kids. Given our free weekend, we should have whisked away to some romantic B&B, but instead found ourselves spending a bulk of our time geeking out about our finances and the prospect that we might be able to retire early, or at least earlier than we thought.
The second weekend though was a classic bachelor weekend. My wife had taken our kids to her parents' for a baby shower (not ours, we're done), which meant I had the entire house to myself. The weekend was followed up with our kids spending a few days at my Mom's while I helped out my former employer, which became four consecutive days . With an empty house and no one to answer to, one would assume that I stayed up late, got up late, ordered pizza, and hardly left the couch. I actually worked most of the weekend in one of my various freelance hospitality gigs (aka bartending), partially in effort to stay focused on discussion topics from the previous weekend. Even despite my seemingly counter-intuitive use of free time, it was nice to have a couple of days where I could be on my own schedule, play whatever music I wanted, and play it as loud as I wanted - no radio edits necessary.
I had a high school English teacher who always said that "variety is the spice of life." He also taught me that hamburgers are done and people are finished, but that's (maybe) another topic. As parents it can be hard, and at times guilt laden, to take time away from active parenting. But it is completely necessary in my view, if you want to stay sane as a parent. Many of the books/blogs/articles I've read strongly encourage spouses to take date nights after having kids in effort to mitigate the toll that having kids takes on a marriage. Similarly, I believe it is vital to take those individual times, away from your kids, away from your spouse/partner, to do some individual reflection/sleep/Netflix binge. Especially if your role is one as the primary caregiver, and that care giving is your primary day to day responsibility*.
As previously mentioned, I often try to avoid drawing comparisons between stay-at-home parenting and traditional paid employment. But if you are working "9-5", as Dolly Parton would say, or "for the weekend" if you prefer Loverboy, at some point you get to punch out at the end of the day and go home (if that is even still a thing). When your primary daily role is to parent and support your kids, those responsibilities continue well into the overtime hours, typically without the time and a half. So every once and a while, you need a break. A day or two off. We all know that if you engage in a repetitive action for too long you are likely to injure yourself in some way. When it comes to parenting, too much uninterrupted child rearing is bound to have detrimental effects on your mental capacity and fortitude. I don't know of any peer reviewed studies, but the anecdotal evidence seems compelling.
You could even label your day or days off as professional development. Back in my younger working years, I would usually get the chance to attend a conference once a year (if the budgets were okay and I could sweet talk my wife into letting me go). These conferences were obviously geared toward learning about best industry practices and new ideas or resources that could be used in our office, but they typically turned into more of a "social commiseration". Attendees would gather to gripe about how bad their jobs sucked, often while enjoying complimentary beverages sponsored by a company who was hoping to get you to purchase their product. While I always came away with at least a couple of new ideas related to my work, the bigger benefit from attending those conferences was having a feeling of refreshment for the work, which may have been bolstered by not having to actually do the work for a few days. It also helped to know that there were others out there experiencing the same struggles that you were.
When I have those relatively rare occasions when my kid-rearing duties are non-existent, I often feel refreshed as a parent when I am back in the presence of my children. I certainly savor the moments of freedom, and try to keep the guilt at bay, because I'm pretty certain they are not thinking about me (maybe about their mom). But I also use those moments as a springboard to help me be a better parent when it is time to take back the controls of the family airplane. My parental fuse lengthens considerably when I am able to take those periodic breaks from parenting, and my appreciation for the amazing ways in which my kids (and of course my wife) contribute to my life grows.
Typically, when we shirk our parental duties for a day or more, the responsibility for looking after our angelic children goes to our parents. We don't get out much, and they live close enough, without living too close, that it works logistically for our kids to see their grandparents regularly enough (my Mom would most certainly disagree). When we send our kids to one of our parent's for a night or a weekend, I do tend to feel a little bit of guilt, like I am pawning my kids off on them. But I quickly remember how much our kid's grandparents love spending time with them, and how they would take them any chance they could get. We're very blessed that both my wife and I have parents who full on embrace their roles as grandparents, and our kids love spending time with them as well. I also think back fondly about the times from my childhood when I stayed with my Grandma, and the wonderful memories my sister and I were able to make with her.
Like most all things with parenting, and life in general, the key seems to be finding the balance. We don't ship our kids off every weekend, but we try to do at least one, possibly two date nights a month; and a full weekend, or even a long weekend, once a quarter. Is it enough, too much, too little? Who knows, but it has seemed to work for us. It gives us time to ourselves, and at times even our individual selves, without feeling neglectful. You have to find what works for you logistically and mentally, but it is important to make it work. Sometimes you just have to take advantage of timing. Part of my rationale for relinquishing parental duties for six full days in the last month was the fact that just after a four day stretch sans-kids, we would be embarking a week-long family trip that would encompass a lot of together time - more to come on that later.
It's natural to want a change of scenery at times. Occasional breaks from the routine can be refreshing - it's why we take vacations. If you feel like you need a quick time-out from your kids, or maybe even your spouse, try not to feel too much guilt about taking it. Use it as a way to recharge your parental and spousal batteries so you'll have more energy to devote to them. In reality, they might have wanted a break from you too, but just didn't want to say anything. Inevitably, if you take sometime for yourself, or sometime with your spouse/partner, at some point, you'll be ready to get your kids back and get back into parenting mode. When I hugged our kids after not having seen them in four days, I told them I enjoyed the time I was able to spend by myself, and the time I was able to spend with their mom, but I was glad that they were home. They said that the missed me too, but only a little. They were just having too much fun.
 |
| "Everybody's going off the deep end." |
*That was a very roundabout way to describe a stay-at-home parent.
