Turn and Face the Strange
My wife and I had a kid-free night out in the big city a couple of weekends ago. We went out for dinner, met up with some friends for cocktails, and enjoyed some live music. We stayed up later than we should have and slept in (for us at least). It had been a while since we had a chunk of kidless time together, and it was somewhat nostalgic of our days before offspring. It wasn't even to mark any special occasion, the stars just aligned to get together with some friends, and the grandparents were clamoring for some quality "grandkiddo time".
Two days into 2019, my wife and I had our 10 year wedding anniversary. To celebrate the occasion, we dropped one of our kids off at her dance class and convinced grandpa that his evening would be best spent hanging out with the other two - it didn't take too much convincing. We savored that 90 minute kid-free session with dinner at a nondescript Mexican restaurant (we had gift cards) and passed on the margaritas (we were working on our beach bodies for an upcoming trip to Mexico). When our 90 minutes were up, we picked up our daughter from dance class and returned to our originally scheduled programming.
As your marriage lengthens and kids (and other responsibilities) get added to the mix, stereo-typically designated "romantic occasions" have a tendency to become very less so. If our 90 minutes out to commemorate our 10 year anniversary seemed a little lack luster, it was monumental in comparison to what we did for Valentine's Day. Which was nothing. In fact, we had actually both being recovering from some minor ailments (stomach bug, head cold), so the very thought of doing anything mildly romantic seemed somewhat repulsive at the time. Plus Thursday nights are tough. It's a dance night (one of them).
Like February 14th, January 2nd is a day on the calendar. For my wife and I it holds special significance as our wedding anniversary. But for everyone else who didn't get married on that day or have a birthday on that day^, it's just another day on the calendar. Which, thanks to the Romans, in 2019 - 10 years after my wife and I said "I Do" - happened to be a Wednesday. Naturally neither of us had the foresight to consider what day of the week our "monumental" anniversaries might fall on in the future when we picked a date for our wedding. Given that we selected a day in January in Minnesota, obviously shows how much thought we put into the decision.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and while the love we share today is exactly the same as the love we shared when we said our vows, it is also very different. That is the case because we've changed as individuals over these past 10 years, as has our family dynamic and the nature of our relationship. While we are the same people who stood holding hands trying to recite our vows while holding back tears (one of us at least), the experiences that we have had as a couple, and now as a family have changed the way we love each other, and the life that we've made together.
I was reminded of this during the parenthetically aforementioned trip to Mexico that we saved our margaritas for. We went for my sister-in-law's wedding, where, for five days, we lapped the life of all inclusive luxury, and were able to be apart of one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever experienced. Given that it was their aunt getting married, the kids came with, and considering that it was January, and we were escaping sub-zero temps in Minnesota (only to return to those continual sub-zero temps), it was an unforgettable experience.
It was also quite different than our last trip to a beach resort in Mexico, for a number of reasons. And for those reasons alone, it was an absolutely incredible trip. Of course we were looking forward to a break from winter, soaking up the sun, and enjoying a few poolside cocktails. But that wasn't the focal point of this trip. The focal point was celebrating my sister-in-law and her husband, while being able to spend quality time with my wife's family and making some unique memories with our kids. Lounging all day by the pool, sipping bottomless margaritas, clubbing at Senor Frogs until the wee hours of the morning, and sleeping past noon were very far down on the to-do list, if on it at all.
As I listened to the bride and groom exchange incredibly personal and heartfelt vows during a beautiful ceremony overlooking the the Cabo San Lucas marina, I couldn't take my eyes off of my wife. She looked as stunningly beautiful as she always does standing by her sister's side. Of course they both looked stunning, but naturally I'm biased (sorry Mel). We've talked at times, usually in jest, about renewing our vows, and while they would be quite different ten years later, they would still be very similar. Partly because I have absolutely no recollection of what those vows actually were.
In our ten years of marriage our relationship has changed as we've changed as people and our family has grown to encompass our children. Some of the passion and excitement has certainly faded, but it has been supplemented with other feelings and emotions. Our love might look different in its nuts and bolts than it did ten years ago, or twenty years ago when we first verbally expressed those feelings to another (for the record, I said it first). But that love is still rooted in a deep commitment and respect for one another, that recognizes a place and time for each of those emotions. It is, to borrow a line from Macklemore, the "same love".
A wedding is an amazing celebration of two people, their love, and their future together. But everyday in a marriage can't be a wedding. Every trip to Mexico, or other exotic location, won't always feel like a honeymoon. Every anniversary can't always involve wine, chocolate fondue and rose petals on the bed - even the big ones that seem like they should. But that is life, and the fact that those momentous occasions don't happen every day helps to understand their importance, but also put them into perspective. For they are days, albeit big ones, in the journey of our life and the relationships that are built. Those days are important, but so is every other day and moment in between.
As we get older (wiser/more mature?), I think it becomes easier for us to understand (rationalize?) this. We learn how to experience love and express love in the smallest of things that happen on a daily basis. The things I love about my wife now might seem different on the surface, but I love those things for the same reasons I loved other things about her when I asked her to marry me. Her presence in my life, along with our kids, brings me unparalleled amounts of joy and happiness (and at times frustration). But my life is still unquestionably better with her, and them, apart of it, no matter the circumstances.
When we learn to find love in those everyday, in between moments, our capacity for love increases. It has to. For we are not waiting for those "special occasions"; anniversaries, birthdays, administrative professionals day, to express our love or allow ourselves to experience love from others. True, it is easy for those moments to go over looked, as it is an irony that the more we tend to be loved, the more we can overlook that love. At times we need those refreshers; an anniversary, or a "Hallmark Holiday". For me, weddings always seem to serve as a helpful reminder of the love I felt for my wife on our wedding day, and how I can do a better job of expressing that love on a daily basis.
But given the option of feeling consistent and constant love on a daily basis, or only "feeling the love" when the big days come around, I think most of us would choose the former. We all express love in our own unique way, and to make a relationship last, we have to find the way that works for us and the one we love. It's not based on the way other couples love each other, although it can be helpful to understand what you admire about other people's love and try to emulate it in your own relationship. But we all change over time, as will those around us, which will impact those relationships that we've made. If we embrace those changes, and look for the good things that those changes bring about, those relationships will continue to grow in love.
One of the couples we were able to get together with during our adult night out has had very different marital experience than my wife and I. For a variety of reasons, they do not, and I'm guessing won't have any kids. They both are very successful in their professions, which require significant time and energy commitments. They love to travel, as we do, and we were listening with envy as they recounted some experiences from a trip they took a Greece a few years ago (somewhere my wife and I are hoping to go for a anniversary trip this coming fall). The owner of the hotel in which they stayed would often exclaim to them, "This is life!" Our friend was pretty certain he meant to say, "This is the life!", but something got lost in translation. But in my mind, the saying fits. "The life" is what you make of "life". At times it will definitely feel more like "the life" than others, but it will always be life.
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| Cabo 2019 |
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| Puerto Vallarta 2010 (The precursor to this family business) |
^Since the Mexican restaurant we went to gives you a free dinner on your birthday, it was actually a pretty hopping place.
