The Real Shady

"Please Stand Up, Please Stand Up"

I have been struggling to find the time and topic for a post.  I had been hoping to finish up a piece that has been in the works for about three years regarding my disdain for the sport of football.  My intention was to have it done just after the Super Bowl, but seeing as that was over a month ago, it seems kind of like a moot point now.  I was starting to get the feeling the blog might be taking on the characteristics of the quintessential 90s rock song that can't find an appropriate spot to end, and just slowly fades out to static....

Then someone decides to put up a billboard in North Carolina that gets some people riled up^.

  

In case you missed it, the above billboard went up at the end of February in the Winston-Salem area of North Carolina.  It has since draw groups protesting the message they believe it says about assigning gender roles.  The billboard itself seems somewhat ambiguous, as it lacks reference to what is being provided by men and appreciated by women by failing to provide an antecedent to the existing pronoun "it".  Because the purveyor of the message on billboard has chosen to remain anonymous, we can't really know their agenda behind the ad.  A peculiar thing about free speech and anonymity.  A new billboard put up a few days ago, presumably by the same people who paid for the first billboard, hasn't seemed to make things any clearer.

Many of the opponents think the billboard conveys an attitude comparable to days gone by, calling the message sexist, misogynistic and marginalizing of women and other people who don't fall into those defined categories of "real men" and "real women".  Given historical precedence and the way in which gender is still often viewed today, even given our evolution of gender roles since the mid-19th century, it doesn't seem hard to understand why that sentiment might exist.  When we hear the phrase "Real Men Provide", odds are the image that we conjecture is the household where the man/husband/father makes the money, and the woman/wife/mother appreciates it while tending to the domestic affairs.

Because of the ambiguous nature of the billboard, we can all render an opinion on what it implies.  But even if we optimistically assume the message on the billboard is encouraging men to provide for others in whatever manner they can, not solely by "bringing home the bacon", the second line of the billboard still gives me some pause.  Stating that "real women appreciate it" seems to suggest that women have little choice but to appreciate what men are providing, no matter what "it" is.  Men can provide all sorts of things.  Some of them good - like love, support, and security.  Some of them not so good - like the vast majority of inmates at federal prisons, higher percentages of seemingly preventable deaths, and greater numbers of bankruptcy filings.  We have a saying in our house, "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit."  I don't know how well that applies here.

I don't think it serves anyone well when attempt to box people into certain definitions, whether they be by gender, race, age, sexual orientation, or any of the various other characteristics that make us unique from one another.  By trying to define what constitutes a "real" man or a "real" woman, we are marginalizing those who don't fit that into that mold.  If the billboard message was meant to imply that "real men" provide by being the primary breadwinner, then obviously I don't qualify as a "real man".  I don't really take offense to this, though I see how many can; especially women advocating for their own equality in the work place, who even in 2016 have to listen to prominent figures question the merits of a concept like equal pay.

If anything it disappoints me.  It disappoints me that we have to try to define what is "real" when it comes to a concept like gender, suggesting that what does not match that reality is somehow fake.  It makes me wonder, who would be considered more of a "real man"; my former colleague who drives a Harley and is gay, or my neighbor down the street who can fix pretty much anything in your house with a Swiss Army Knife and also ferments his own wine.  They are both men living lives that (presumably, hopefully) bring them joy and fulfillment.  Can they not both be real?

Men can provide in all sorts of ways, but when we advance a narrative that constraints the way in which they should provide, it not only robs women of the opportunity of being able to provide those things (and potentially more and better), but it also shortchanges the men who might rather provide for those he loves in a different manner.  Either because it is a better use of his passion and talents, or it just makes more sense.  I've written before why I think my being a stay-at-home dad is good for my kids.  It's certainly not for every dad, but I would hate to see a dad who thought staying home and taking a more active role in the child rearing would be best for his family, not do it because he felt society was saying that wasn't the right way for him to provide.        

Ultimately it is up to us a society to decide what we will accept as "real" or not.  Research shows that despite drastic improvements in dads increasing the amount of time they spend per week on "stereotypical mom" duties, like housework and child care, moms still spend about twice as much time per week.  It also shows that a large chunk (46%) of fathers feel as though they spend too little time with their children.  I would hypothesize that if you surveyed wives (without their husbands present) a vast majority would indicate that they wished their spouses, especially if they are male, would spend more time assisting with the house work and child care.  Even though you can pass a law (or sign an executive order, more precisely) to make it easier for dads to change diapers, it doesn't mean they'll necessarily change more diapers.  

 A former colleague of mine, a very intelligent and well respected tenured professor at a prestigious institution*, forwarded me an article about the phenomenon of Sweden's "Latte Pappas".  Sweden has long been a bastion of gender equality, especially when it comes to parenting.  Sweden provides some of the most generous parental work leaves, and allocates, and highly encourages, six months of leave that can only be taken by fathers.  In examining the results of various other studies, scientists and others have presupposed that encouragement of hands-on-fatherhood has very likely changed the hormone balance of Sweden's "Latte Pappas".  Presumably a decrease in their testosterone levels, the hormone that encourages risk taking, and increased levels of oxytocin, the "cuddle" hormone.

I would argue on the whole that we would be well served by having a little less testosterone and a little more oxytocin fueling the decisions of how our society moves forward, especially for the sake of our children.  As someone who has been able to assume a role similar to the "Latte Pappa" for the last few years, and very likely has significantly decreased levels of testosterone, my viewpoint is obviously a bit skewed.  But I will continue to encourage any father who wants to use their unique talents and passions to best provide for their family in whatever way they see fit, regardless of what they may be providing.  If that is something you can get on board with, then I'd encourage you to do the same.

I'm hopeful that my experiences can show other men, especially fathers, that they don't need to be bound by what the societal narrative often deems as "real" if they don't want.  I consider myself a man, and last time I looked down in the shower, what I learned in anatomy confirmed that observation.  If the way in which I express my "manhood" make anyone else insecure in their own, then I figure that is their problem, not mine.

I provided these muffins for my family.
They appreciated it.
#RealMenProvide

^This even happened a few weeks ago, but that's more akin to the standard amount of delay I usually have when trying to comment on current events.

*Yes, it's my alma mater so I'm a little biased.    

Waiting for the Mornin' Sun

Still Waitin' for the Morning Sun

My wife informed me that social media informed her that it was two years ago this time of year that we were on our Florida adventure.  We both commented on how nice it would be to be back there right now, excluding the 26 hour one way drive of course.  Two years later, our attitude is more or less unchanged on how we've viewed that trip.  We were glad we did it, but we're probably not going to attempt something like it ever again.  At least not in the near future.

Before we had kids my wife and I liked to travel.  We weren't globetrotters by any means, but we liked to travel when we had the chance and made it a priority to take at least 1-2 trips a year.  I had the opportunity to study abroad in college for a semester, and like a lot of people, got bit by the travel bug.  When we found out we were expecting, I was convinced that having a kid would not hamper our ability to take exotic adventures (or long weekends to see the fall colors).  I bought the Lonely Planet's Guide to Traveling with Kids*.  I read books like How to Fit a Car Seat on a Camel and A Year Off to find inspiration on how to be those cool parents who had their kid's passport filled up before age 5.

And then reality set in.  Little kids, especially babies, are a lot of work, and the comforts of being in your own home while doing that work becomes very, very enticing.  In hindsight, a trip like the Florida one we took two years ago would have been so much easier had we done it with just one, or even two kids.  But before that trip, we'd only made it out of Minnesota a few times with Isla & Havi, and it was typically never further than a state sharing a border with ours.  Even then we found ourselves in cities that were just across the border - La Crosse, Wisconsin; Fargo, North Dakota.  The furthest from home we ever ventured with one of our kids was when Havi was three months old, and she accompanied us to a wedding in Kansas City, an 8 hour road trip (12 on the way back in a snowstorm).  We had yet to cross that threshold of attempting to put our kids on a plane and flying somewhere.  

This past fall we finally did it, taking our first family vacation adventure out to San Francisco.  We had some good friends who had relocated out there a few years ago, and knowing that they likely wouldn't be there forever, we figured we should try to go see them.  Gus was still under 2, so theoretically he could still fly for free.  I say theoretically because even though he just turned 2, he is about the same weight as Havi, our four year old, coming in at almost 40 lbs.  Imagine that sitting and then squirming in your lap until it finally falls asleep in a position that allows you limited range of motion and causes excessive sweating for the next 2-3 hours.  We took a nuanced approach, figuring that if we didn't have to pay for a seat for Gus, we'd have my mother-in-law (you remember, the saint) come with as an extra set of hands.  So we still purchased five seats, just with six people to fill those five seats.  Gus actually did a fair amount of rolling around on the floor in the aisle during the flight out anyway.

When traveling with his kids, comedian Jim Gaffigan says he is always amazed at "how much money it costs to be uncomfortable all day and listen to your kids whine and complain."  If ever there is truth in the axiom of "needing a vacation from a vacation", traveling with kids is definitely it.  Not that you can really ever call traveling with kids a vacation.  Traveling with kids is "any port parenting" at it's finest.  The time when standard parental operating procedure gets thrown out the window.  Flying with kids takes that notion to the extreme.  Or as a friend of mine advised, "flying with your kid is not the time for carrot sticks and hummus."  Our kids did relatively well on the flight because we gave them excessive amounts of their favorite S's - sugar and screen time.  And gum.  They chewed a wad of gum.  Our flights were also direct, about 3 hours each way, and time somewhat nicely over nap time, so Gus did sleep (a little) and I did sweat (a lot).

Similar to my approach in a number of other things in life, like purchasing groceries, I tend to be somewhat of a frugal traveler.  I don't couch surf or sleep in my car (regularly), but I'm typically looking for ways to keep travel costs down whenever possible.  To me it adds something to the adventure of the trip.  Going into our San Francisco trip, I knew I needed to adjust my mindset.  Not only were we taking our first flight as a family of five, we were also traveling to one of the most expensive cities in the U.S.  We wouldn't be able to crash at our friend's place because their apartment was approximately the size of our kitchen, and we were a group of 6.  We'd need to rent a vehicle, and it would have to be a van, because I wasn't to keen on trying to navigate the BART with three small children.  I knew that if the kids got hungry, we'd need to stop and eat, even if that meant a round of $20 sandwiches.  This would not be a trip where we would be able to cut any corners.

Mentally preparing myself for some of these inevitables definitely helped me lower my expectations for the amount of things we'd be able to do in a city that had so much to do.   In all, the kids did really well throughout the whole trip.  We scored an awesome (and reasonably priced) accommodation in a great location that we found out used to house an in-home preschool and had a bunch of toys on hand.  It also had a hot tub in the backyard which, after the excessive amount of snacks and screen time, was probably the kids' favorite thing about the trip^.  The time change to the West Coast did wreak a little havoc, as instead of being up at their usual early hour of 6am, the first two days found the kids rousing at around 4:30am.  Fortunately, they got into West Coast time just as we were ready to return home to Central time, creating a whole new set of issues when Isla had to go back to school.

Yes, we've been up since 4:30am!

During the trip, we did quite a bit of "touristy" stuff, like the Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman's Wharf, an overpriced trolley ride (during which 2 out of 3 kids fell asleep), Golden Gate Park, and Chinatown.  We patronized the Haight Street Market, drove down the crookedest street in the world, ate sourdough bread, got Chinese take-out and authentic Mexican at the place that serves the "best burrito in America".  We also spent a significant amount of time just hanging out at the beach, with the kids doing some unintentional swimming in the Pacific.  Our friends admitted that the five days we were there was some of the nicest weather they'd had in their three years there.  Our trip happened to coincide with the Navy Fleet Week, so one of our days at the beach included a free air show featuring the Blue Angels.  Having a grandma along allowed us the luxury of having an adults night out with our friends, and doing some of the more "touristy" things made me excited for the possibility of returning (sans kids) to explore more of the city and surrounding area.

Blue Angels?  Meh, we got bananas.

When you're down at Fisherman's Wharf before 9am on a Thursday,
you can pretty much have the Venetian Carousel to yourselves.

When we returned home, both my wife and I agreed that the trip went about as well as expected, but that it wouldn't be something we'd attempt to do every year.  Both from a sanity and sound fiscal policy standpoint.  But then we got talking about where we'd possibly want to go next with the kids, and the topic of Iceland came up.  Jess' grandmother has always wanted to go to Iceland as her mother immigrated to the US from there.  A few glasses of wine later we were about ready to book some flights for this coming June, a few months after her grandma's 80th birthday.  Luckily we realized that no one in our family currently has a valid passport, but have tentatively slated a trip for June of 2018.  With a 6 hour direct flight, we figured it could be a good first international trip for the kids, and great opportunity to take Jess' grandma (and probably mom again, because she's a top notch travel companion).  If you've been to the "Land of Fire and Ice" and have any recommendations, I'd love to hear them.  I've already been informed that we should start saving now.

Having the chance to take our kids on these trips at relatively young ages, while stressful, is a great opportunity to expose them to travel and other places and cultures.  It's a much different experience then what I had growing up.  I remember going to Washington D.C. when I was in 4th grade, and vaguely remember flying to Milwaukee to see family before that trip.  My first trip out of the country was at 13, when my sister somehow signed us up for a cruise to the Bahamas that resulted in my Dad sitting through a day of time-share presentations.  My first flight out of the country, and first solo flight ever, wasn't until my semester abroad in Europe my junior year of college.  Obviously, our circumstances are a little different now than that of my parents when they were my age.  While we likely have more resources, like money and time, that allow us to travel more than they did, we've also been more exposed to the idea that traveling with our kids is (stressfully) feasible.  I doubt my parents ever considered the possibility of taking my sister and I on a cross country flight before we hit double digits.

"Really, Grandma, that was a prison out there?  Interesting."

Fortunately though, while my parents definitely didn't get a chance to travel as much as I have as a young adult, it has always been something they've encouraged me to do.  Both my sister and I were able to take a semester abroad in college, and since we've left the roost, my parents have both done some extensive traveling themselves.  Maybe they've been jealous of the various adventures my sister and I have been able to have.  Maybe it was something they've always wanted to do, but didn't think they had the time or the money before.  I'm thankful for the trips that they took us on when we were growing up, even if they were somewhat limited and I was adamant about how much they sucked at the time.  My hope is that if my kids take a mild interest in traveling while they are young, that will hopefully continue to grow as they do, and encourage them to make it a priority in their lives.

And while it can seem like an expensive endeavor, especially to be uncomfortable and have your kids complain most of the time, as Gaffigan suggests, I think the return on investment is definitely worth it.  I recently read (probably in a travel magazine) that some of the fondest memories young adults have of their childhood are the family trips they took.  Sometimes they may be memorable for the wrong reasons, but given our propensity to selective remember things better than they were, and our ability to find humor in retrospect, in the most Griswald-esque family trips can certainly have their highlights.  Making a conscious effort to take those family trips also, I think, helps your children see what it is that you value.  We choose to utilize our finite resources, mainly our time and our money, on the things that we value.  If we prioritize having those family adventures, no matter if they involve circumnavigating the globe or heading to the next town over, we are showing our kids that making memories as a family, good and bad, is something that is important to us.

Thus we'll still try to travel with our kids as much as we can.  It won't be often or a lot, but it will probably be enough for us to question why we are doing it.  If anything it will put things into perspective on the (even more) seldom times when we travel without kids.  Yeah, that sucks our flight is delayed, but hey, at least we don't have three kids to deal with.  Let's go to the bar!  Hopefully, the more we can travel as family, the less crazy our (my) crazy travel ideas will seem.  It should also give the kids some good parental griping material as they move through adolescence.  Oh, you think your parents were strange....  

Our gracious tour guides, Ben & Katie, who gave us
a great reason to engage in such foolishness

And the real star of the vacation, the hot tub!

*This is one book about "parenting" I would actually not recommend.  There is a little bit of practical advice in it, but the excerpts about "kid friendly destinations" leave a bit to be desired.  Unless if you are looking for some validation to take your kid to Disney World.

^Havi actually commented the other day that she wanted to go back to San Francisco so she could watch movies on the plane and swim in the hot tub.

2017 - The Year of "Do It Yourself"

"Get It Yourself, Bob!"

Another new year upon us.  Of course all of my resolutions to eat healthier, exercise more, be nicer, more generous, etc. have already fallen by the wayside this week.  Good thing there are only 51 short weeks left in this year so I can try again next year.  2018 is going to be my year!  I've commented before that I'm actually not much for resolutions, more for "year themes".  Last year I didn't really get around to a year theme, so it was probably just the year of survival.  2015 I dubbed "The Year of Do", and we did some stuff.  I've decided this year's theme will be "The Year of Do It Yourself".  A year in which I parent myself out of a job.

I recently finished the book, How To Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims.  Shocker, I know, I read another parenting book.  I've gotten into the habit when I read that if I see a quote/passage/idea I like, I take a picture of the page.  I'm sure this is some sort of copyright infringement, but since I get most all of the books I read from the public library, I figure it's better than highlighting and underlining the book, especially considering I'll probably never check it out again (too many other books on parenting to read).  Far and away, this book set the record for number of page photos taken.  The book has a number of incredibly salient and worthwhile points, and if you have a child a living under your roof (no matter their age), I would strongly encourage you to read it.

The central premise of the book discusses the overparenting phenomenon that exists primarily in affluent households in the United States and the detriments it can cause.  As the former Dean of First Year Students at Stanford University, the author had a significant amount of experience interacting and dealing with 18-22 year old "people" (call them what you want, kids, adults, emerging adults, spoiled millenials, etc.) who lacked the ability to think independently or wanted to do so, but had parents that were unable and unwilling to give them that freedom.  Having spent almost a decade working in higher ed myself, I was no stranger to the existence of "helicopter parenting", and even had my own experiences interacting with students who seemed unable to make decisions on their own.

Dean Julie (as she was often referred to at Stanford), makes the observation that a lot of our overparenting is done with the best of intentions.  We want to be there for our kids and we feel like a bad parent if we aren't, especially when we observe other parents.  I've read quite a bit of commentary on how our attitudes toward parenting have become that of a "concerted cultivation", so it seems only natural that we tend to be personally vested in the successes and failures of our children, often times seeing them as our own successes and failures.  But failure is inevitable in life, and as the author and others have pointed out, if we can't allow our kids to fail and learn from those failures early on in life when the stakes are considerably lower, it will only become more challenging as they age, when the stakes are much higher and they've likely become accustom to never failing before.

While the book had a number of good points, there were a few in particular that resonated for me as I encourage my kids to increase their independence and self sufficiency, and seemed pretty concise and easy to follow.  Lythcott-Haims offers up the following suggestions from child psychologist Madeline Levine on how to avoid overparenting:

1. Don't do for your child what they can already do for themselves
2. Don't do for your child what they can almost do for themselves
3. Never let your parenting behavior be motivated by your own ego

In the book, Lythcott-Haims also recommends the Family Education Network's Age-By-Age Life Skills Guide.  I'll be completely honest that reading the list was a needed wake up call in how I can/should be doing a better job of helping my kids acquire good life skills.  Obviously our kids can't develop these skills overnight, and it takes some work to get them to a desired level of competency.  But the sooner you teach them the skill, the more confidence they will gain and the more it will help relieve some of the stress you feel as a parent.  Too often we do things for our kids because it is just easier or quicker.  I'll admit that I do this a lot.  But consider if you take the time to teach them something, like tie their shoes, while it might be an insanely frustrating process and may make you late for work/school/social event, once they get it down, you can expect them to do it themselves.  

In encouraging kids to strive for self sufficiency and independence, Lythcott-Haims offers up a four step approach.  First, you do it for them.  Second, you do it with them.  Third, you watch them do it.  Fourth, they do it on their own.  With this, you have to learn to let go of some control.  I've heard before that you can't control your kids, you can only coach them and hope that they make good decision.  If your expectation is that your kid dress themselves, you have to learn to be okay with the fact that their outfit might not match.  But as most parents can attest, when attempting to get a kid dressed in the morning can often range from a hostage negotiation to a Greco-Roman wrestling match, just having a kid with clothes on is a parenting win.

So what have we done in our house to encourage kids to be self sufficient?  Even before reading this book, I read about making things more accessible to your kids so they can be more independent.  I relocated all of our "kid tableware" (plastic cups, plates, etc.) to a cupboard that they could easily reach, instead of a cabinet that I was constantly lifting them up to so they could leisurely ponder what cup they'd like to drink out of, only to change their mind about 20 times.  I also moved all of the kid-approved food items to shelves in our cupboards and fridge that they can reach without needing to precariously climb on the counter tops.  At first I questioned the idea of allowing them easy access to food they could eat (and potentially spill all over the floor) at will.  But then I figured if I was concerned about them eating something, or too much of something, I probably shouldn't even have it in the house.  If they spill it all over the floor, I'll show them where the broom and dust pan resides.

Beyond the kitchen, I recently installed some temporary coat hooks by our back door that the kids can easily reach, with the expectation that they can hang up their own coats instead of throwing them on the floor.  I've also tried to stand firm about making them put their own clothes away (the older two at least) and tried to come up with some easy organizational solutions, with the kid's input^, to help them do a better job of putting away their toys, lest any left out toys go mysteriously missing.  It only seems to make sense that if you want kids to be independent and do things for themselves, you have to make it feasible for them to do so, by creating an environment where they are not completely dependent on you.  I'm also hoping to get Gus out of diapers, or at least proficient in changing his own diaper, before the snow melts.    

Encouraging self sufficiency has also forced my wife and I to be extremely mindful of not doing things for our kids that we know they can do themselves, or almost do themselves, as Levine recommends.  This is probably the biggest challenge and can often be the most frustrating as a parent.  Just last week when I brought Isla to her weekly dance class, she realizing that she didn't have a hair tie, a necessary accessory according to her dance teacher.  She proceed to melt down, exclaiming that she wanted me to drive her home so we could get one.  When I suggested that she could ask one her classmates or their parent if they had an extra, she told me she couldn't do it because she was too scared and informed me that she no longer wanted dance that night.  After spending about 15 minutes trying to ensure her that she could indeed ask a parent of her classmates, and that I was not going to do it for her, she eventually relented.  Once she secured the small circle of rubber, she wiped the tears from her eyes, put her hair back and bounded into the room with a smile on her face like she nothing ever happened.  I sometimes wish I had a short-term memory like that.

Those moments are hard, and those are times we all too often just give in and do it for our kid.  Either because it is easier or because we want to prevent the inevitable meltdown we know is about to ensue.  But we can't shield our kids from the challenges of the world forever.  We have to prepare them for hard work, as Lythcott-Haims suggests, for doing things that are uncomfortable for them, and probably even more uncomfortable for us to watch.  While they may not be happy with us, or the situation at the moment, developing these skills of resilience and self sufficiency is one of the most essential tools for attaining lasting happiness, and ultimately will help our kids become more successful later on in life.  If we are constantly trying to make our kids happy when they are angry and frustrated, instead of learning how to control their own happiness, they will always look to others (people and things) to do it for them.

When we step back from trying to overparent, we allow our kids to flourish on their own, finding their own passions and interests.  When we allow kids to try things that they want to do, not necessarily the things we want them to do, it helps our kids find a purpose, which educator Bill Damon sees as something that is "essential for achieving happiness and satisfaction in life."  If we give them room to explore and experiment, they are bound to make mistakes, and get hurt in the process - emotionally and physically.  But if we "wince instead of pounce, if we recognize that set-backs and failures build character, just like bumps and bruises build (hopefully) foresight.  Then we help show our kids that they can achieve their dreams, along as they are willing to work hard and learn from their experiences.

As parents, taking a step back from overparenting also helps us reclaim ourselves, as one of the chapters in How to Raise an Adult imparts.  "It's not selfish to make ample room for the things we value in life: It's critically important.  In order to be good role models, we need to put ourselves first."   If we want our kids to find their own purpose and passion, we should make sure that we demonstrate to them what our passion is and how we find purpose.   As psychiatrist Carl Jung put it, "nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent."  Or as one mother chided her adult daughter who was complaining about all of the time she spent at her kid's activities.  "Go get a life.  Your kids will observe that and think, 'Okay, that's how you get a life.'  And they'll want to go get one of their own."  When we look at our life, is it a life that we'd want our kids to emulate when they become adults?

Ultimately, we have to decide how we are going to help our kids become productive members of society.  I love my kids, and I love spending time with them.  But once they turn 18, I'd much rather them be interested in leaving the house willingly, equipped with the life skills necessary to be a productive member of society and eager to have their own adventures.  Sure their Mom and I will be available to help and offer our advice when it is appropriate,  But by that point, they should be capable of doing things without seeking parental approval, something author and professor Bill Deresiewicz considers the defining act of becoming an adult.  Based on the modern trend of overparenting to ensure that kids become "successful"*, especially among those affluent enough to have the opportunity to overparent, allowing your child the independence to become their own person and embracing them for what they become may seem like a precarious endeavor.  But as Deresiewicz points out, "If we want our kids to turn out differently, we have to raise them differently."

                                    

Well, there's your breakfast, and lunch, and dinner.

I resisted the urge to tell her she missed some spots.

If you want frosting on those cookies, pipe it yourself.

^One of these solutions was to drastically reduce the number of toys that they have.  This was obviously done without their input, but they don't seem to have noticed much difference.

*In the parents eyes or in the eyes of the people the parent is desperately trying to impress.

In God We Trust

Jesus Loves the Little Children

So it's Christmas, all over, again.  While I would argue that Christmas has essentially become a full fledged secular holiday, it obviously does have some religious roots.  It's also that time of year when churches that might otherwise be half-full on your average Sunday have to bust out the metal folding chairs to accommodate all of the prodigal sons & daughters who tend to return on a biannual basis - sometimes to referred to as the C & E Christians.  It's also the time when we can all get bent out of shape about whether it's more appropriate to say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" or "Festivus for the rest of us!"  If you're worried about offending someone, you can just wish everyone you see a "Happy Gus' Birthday".  Just please, no gifts.  Seriously.

The most recent data I could find (based on my 10 second google search) found that in 2015, 75% of Americans identified as Christian.  While still a relatively high number, that percentage has been on the steady decline since the 50s, when nearly 90% of Americans identified as Christian.  As the article points out, in a very easy to read chart, the age groups with the lowest percentage of people who identify as Christian are the youngest demographics - the 18-34 range.  Not surprisingly, this demographic also has the highest percentage of people who don't claim a religious identity.  It may not seem like it based on my boyish good looks, but I am soon to be at the very top of that age demographic.

I grew up Presbyterian, just like the President-Elect apparently.  Ours was a pretty religious household in that we went to church every Sunday.  My parents weren't fanatics, but they valued the importance of instilling Christian morals in us.  They were involved in the church community and encouraged/forced my sister and I to be active members too.  We went to Sunday School and Bible School, participated in the Youth Group, even sang in the choir when Mom was really mad at us.  Believers definitely weren't in short supply in our community either, as our small town of 1,500 people had six churches available to its residents, with the neighboring smaller towns boasting a comparable person/church ratio.  Growing up we went to the same church that my Dad attended as a kid, the one my 95 year old Grandma still goes to today (when the roads aren't too dicey).  A small church country church just outside of town where every Sunday used to be an extended family reunion*.

Like a lot of young adults who have recently left the daily supervision of their parents, I pretty much stopped going to church when I went off to college.  I went to a Catholic college, but certainly not because it was a religious institution.  I liked the community feel of the school, which in hindsight, was probably fostered because of the religious nature of the school and the monastic community that supported the school.  There is no way I had the intellectual capacity to understand that at the time.  Even though it was a Catholic school, they welcomed heathens like me, along with various other religions and those who claimed no religious affiliation - I met both my first Jew and my first actual Atheist there.  I did have to take a required religious course or two, but no one was dragging me to chapel on Sunday morning.  I even went to mass on my own volition a few times, usually when my weekend behavior was highly suspect.

I did my fair share of questioning of my religious beliefs during my college years, like your typically obligation-free 18-22 year-old who is searching for the meaning of life.  I hadn't done so before because it never occurred to me that I could.  I went to church because my parents told me to, and for the most part, I did what my parents said.  I followed the Ten Commandments (to the best of my adolescent ability) because I had to memorize them, along with the books of the bible, the 23rd Psalm and the Apostles Creed, in Sunday School.  I didn't contemplate the pastor's sermon or the words of scripture because was I spent most of my in church fantasizing about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models.  Like I said, best of my adolescent ability - that tenth one is tough.

During college I did take a philosophy class, in which one of the topics was discussing the existence of God.  As I started to critically think, I began to consider the somewhat arbitrary nature in which we become socialized, or not, into a religious belief.  For a large swath of people, myself included, we do what our parents did, who likely did what their parents did, and further on down the line.  While "religion switching" is becoming more common, if you were raised in a certain faith, you are more likely than not to practice that faith as an adult.  Currently, I consider myself to be a Christian unaffiliated with any particular denomination.  I have some personal beef with some of the religious doctrinal interpretation and implementation by some of the more mainline Christian denominations.  However, as I wrote in a paper for that philosophy class 12 years ago, I believe in God because having faith in something is a way to help me explain things I lack an ability to explain, particular the good things.  Jesus also seems pretty cool in my view - nonjudgmental, accepting of everyone despite their flaws, a make-love-not-war pacifist, etc.  I seem to have heeded Macklemore's advice to, "find God, but leave the dogma."      

If you get married it would serve you well to consider the religious beliefs of your spouse, especially if you decide to start a family.  My wife is Catholic, and luckily, the overall resistance to interfaith marriage is not what it was of the good old days pre-Vatican II.  Nor did we have any relatives boycott our ceremony because it took place at a Catholic Church and included a Lutheran minister^.  Comedian Jim Gaffigan, himself a practicing Catholic, has said that "kids and disease are the true gateways to faith."  I can't really recall my wife and I ever having a conversation about what our approach to religion would be with our kids.  It seemed well understood by both of us that they would be raised Catholic, my wife would be taking them to church, and I was welcome to join them.  If I had any strong opinions about a different course of action (which I didn't and still don't) then I would have to make a case for it and take the responsibility to follow through.  Seemed like a lot of work to me.  In her book Til Faith Do Us Part, Naomi Schaefer Riley points out that mothers are typically the ones in charge of a family's religious practices, and children of interfaith marriages are twice as likely to adopt the faith of their mother over their father.  

So we go to church, all of us.  Not every Sunday, but most Sundays - typically always on the Sundays when they have donuts after.  We also sit in the front pew, or as close to the front as we can, as we were once told by another family with small children that your kids pay better attention up front because they can actually see.  It's not true 100% of the time, but it certainly has helped.  Plus the front pews are usually open anyway when we come strolling in midway through the opening hymn.  I go because my wife appreciates the fact that I go, and trying to wrangle three kids at a Catholic Mass can probably draw similarities to purgatory at times.  I guess I'll find out when I get there.  I've likened taking small children to church like walking on ice.  You can be doing just fine, until you, or someone, falls flat on their ass, or backside, I should say.  Fortunately the church that we go to has a fairly young congregation, so the frequent child screams tend to blend into the joyful noise being made to God by the rest of attendees.  I did have to remove one our children (who will remain nameless) after he/she sucker punched my wife in the face in a fit of rage.

I've found that I've come to appreciate these weekly doses of religion that my kids are getting.  I figure for the abundance of secularism that they get everywhere else, it's nice to have them be exposed to the Bible and the tenets of Christianity, because in the aggregate, they are pretty good things.  Havi even goes to the preschool at elementary school run by the parish, and Isla did as well for two years.  Less because it is a religious school, and more because it is two blocks from our house and we adore the teacher.  But any place that has; care deeply, share generously, serve willingly, and speak kindly as their core values is a great community to be a part of.  Yes, these values are not exclusive to Christianity, or any religion, but essentially all religions have, at their core, messages of love, peace and service to one another.  If exposing them to a religion is going to help them better understand how to be a kind and thoughtful person, then I'm willing to surrender an hour on Sunday mornings.  We're up anyway.

From a parental perspective, there can be a sheer superficiality to it all.  It's cute when our kids make the sign of the cross and fold their hands to pray before dinner, even when Gus adamantly refuses to join us.  It's heart-warming when Havi sings and signs "Away in the Manager" after learning it in preschool.  Or when Isla sings along with the songs in church that she has heard multiple times or tries to recite the Lord's Prayer.  It's reassuring when an elderly couple come up to you after church to inform you that your kids were "just little angels" during the service - since they're a little hard of hearing, they weren't privy to all of the empty threats.  Certainly this is all a titch vain, but a silver-lining nonetheless.  And then there is the convenience of using Christian teachings as parenting tools.  When Havi was having a hard time dealing with the fact that she couldn't be first for everything, I evoked Matthew 20:16 (yes I had to google it), where Jesus says that the "last will be first, and the first will be last."  Obviously she doesn't get it, but it has averted a meltdown or two.              

As I've aged I've realized more and more things in hindsight that I'm glad my parents did, like make me go to church.  While I very much disliked it at the time, I certainly see its value now, especially since I have kids.  Even though I'm not necessarily practicing the faith I was brought up in, having been exposed to a religion like Christianity has helped me understand the benefits of exposing my kids to it, with major assistance from my wife of course.  They are too young now to question, and typically they are eager to go to church or read one of the bible story books at bedtime.  There will probably come a point when they will do their own questioning of their faith and beliefs, and I look forward to having in depth and thought provoking conversations with them on the subject.  While my own skepticism on organized religion will likely persist, I'm glad that they will have been exposed to religion and the virtues it can teach.  Whatever they ultimately decide to believe in, or not, is fine by me, as long as they use what they've learned along the way to bring more joy, peace and love to the world.  Based on most of the Christmas cards we've gotten this year, that seems to be the consensus pick for the reason for the season.

Sorry, dude, you have to wear this dress for baptism.  It's tradition.
But mom made you this delicious cake.  You just can't have any.

           

*A few years ago, I went back to the church Christmas Pageant with my Grandma, an event I played a variety of lead and supporting roles in during my tenure at Ebenezer Presbyterian Church.  She proceeded to point out every kid in the program and explain to me how I was related to them in some form.

^If they had any reason to boycott our wedding it would have been because we got married in January in Minnesota.      


    

'Tis a Gift

"You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid."

My wife and I were having a discussion^ a few weeks ago about the things our children put on their Christmas Lists.  The Holiday Season tends to become a complex web of gift giving arrangements for us, as all three of our kids have birthdays within about a month of Christmas, with a lucky one having a birthday on the holiest of consumer holidays.  It also seems like we've begun to associate solely with people who's kids also have birthdays during that time frame.  The last six weekends of the year for us have become an interesting rotation of Thanksgiving gatherings, kid's birthday parties, and Christmas celebrations.  I've gotten into the habit of always asking for a gift receipt whenever I make any purchases these days, just in case.

I've commented before on how the exorbitant consumerism around the Christmas season, which can turn the most wonderful time of the year excessively stressful, has a tendency to get under my skin.  The paragraphs below will not make me seem like any less of a curmudgeon-y, self righteous cheap-ass, but I'll opine nonetheless.  You may vehemently disagree with my point of view or you may find pieces of it insightful and thought provoking.  It's not that I don't want to buy gifts for my kids or other kids, or for people not to buy gifts for my kids.  I just think we can all be a little more intentional about the process, and consider what impact those gifts might have on the kids they are bought for and the people who frequently interact with those kids.  As someone who frequently interacts with those kids, it's probably something that I'm hypersensitive to, as I live with the chaos that tends to follow the vast amount of stuff that small children accumulate.

A few months ago I did a pretty sizable reduction of our kid's toy collection.  I had just finished the book Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, and one of his instructions was to take you kid's toy collection and half it, and then half it again.  I've long been a fan of the "simplicity ethos" and decided to take a week to assess the things they actually played with.  When I realized that at least 75% of the time they weren't even playing with "toys"*, I figured we could part with some of ours.  So one day while the two older ones were at school, I took advantage of the van's excessive storage space (seriously, there is so much), and hauled a bunch of stuff to one of the local thrift stores.  Gus may have been aware of my conniving deeds, but he kept quiet - he didn't have the vocabulary to describe such heinous crimes yet.      

When it became readily apparent a few weeks ago that new toys will be undoubtedly be entering our house, it certainly gave me a little hesitation.  One of my main goals as a parent is to raise kind-hearted kids who don't feel the need to amass a bunch of stuff to try and make them happy.  As Michelle Borba points out in her book Unselfie, "a preoccupation with possessions is associated with decreased happiness as well as increased anxiety."  This doesn't mean that I don't want them to get presents for their birthday or Christmas, but I don't want them to expect that they will get them or get everything that they ask for.  Of course getting them a few (or most) things off their list for Santa won't immediately turn them into greedy, self-centered little shits, but it is a little concerning to me when I see them flipping through a toy catalog pointing out everything they want, which happens to be everything in the catalog.  I do have to reconcile this though with the fact that I did the same thing when I was young.  I showed a little more restraint and humbleness as I aged by limiting myself to only selecting one item per catalog page.   

Fortunately, as Borba writes, empathy and selflessness can be taught, but the earlier you can instill those virtues in a child, the more likely he/she will embody those traits as they grow through adolescence and into adulthood.  Consequently, they will also be happier, more popular, and more successful, according to the scientific data.  To me, it runs parallel to setting limits for your kids now, and being fine saying "no" to their requests at times just because.  If your kid isn't taught empathy and how to put other's needs in front of their own at a young age, it will become increasing challenging to do so as they age and become more ingrained in their opinions and biases from the experiences that they have.  To me, it seems like the Christmas season provides a fantastic opportunity to try and nurture the notion of selfless giving, considering what the "spirit of the season" is all about.  Unfortunately, it can also be one of the most challenging times considering what the season has really become.

This past weekend, we attend one of the aforementioned birthday parties for the daughters of some good friends.  The instructions on the invite specifically indicated not to bring gifts.  Of course, nearly everyone brought gifts, ourselves included.  Our friend decided to institute a rule for the next party that if you brought a gift when directed not to, you would also need to bring your own food, cake, silverware and beer.  He was joking of course, but he really had a point.  Despite people telling us not to bring gifts, we still feel obligated.  Even when we genuinely know that they'd really prefer not to have one more thing that will ultimately serve as an additional tripping hazard.  We don't want to be that family that shows up to eat the cake without bringing something.  It's like Halloween when we gripe about how much candy our kids get, but yet can never bring ourselves to be the house that gives out baby cut carrots and dental floss, even though we would totally love it if someone did.

The kids were not impressed with my suggestion of dressing oranges
up as pumpkins for their Halloween treats for their classmates.

As I've alluded to before, a big frustrating part of it for me, is the feeling of overwhelm that I get when I look at the state of my house, as it currently is right now - a mess of toys, kid's clothes, half-completed craft projects and children's books strewn about like a piece of (very) abstract 3D art.  And because I'm home all day, it is a constant lived experience for me, and something I feel I can never stay on top of.  The other day I wondered how many books I could have read to my kids in the total amount of time I've spent picking their books up off the floor and putting them away.  Of course you could suggest that I should do a better job of teaching my kids to be responsible for their stuff, but as Payne suggests, when they have so much stuff, nothing can really hold that much value for them.  I'd also rather not have others spend seemingly unnecessary resources (time and money) on something my kids may or may not play with.  It just seems a little simpler for all involved to limit the amount of things that can be potentially thrown on the floor.

Now I can't reasonably expect that I will eliminate all of the "junk" from my kid's life.  It would also be hypocritical for me to attempt to do so, as I had my fair share of "junk" growing up - some of which has been returned to my possession.  As a kid, I definitely wanted material things, and for the most part, my parents provided me with those things when they were able to and felt like my behavior warranted it.  As I've grayed, I've become much more conscious of how I feel I can live a more fulfilling life with a simpler existence, and it's something I hope to impart on to my kids.  But this will also have to be a growing process for them.  No doubt they will put some excessive things on their Christmas list, and sometimes they might get them and sometimes they might not.  Hopefully, at an age early than I did, they'll be able to understand what is truly important about the Christmas season - that making it bright for others can make it brighter for you than any wrapped package you'll ever receive.

As a parent of young kids who dislikes having excessive clutter in the house, and believes that too many toys (even the "educational ones") and too much stuff can have an adverse effect on a child's ability to see beyond their own perceived wants and needs, I'm going to offer up some gift suggestions for Holidays and Birthdays.  Most of these will probably be considered boring and practical, and you may be concerned about the level of excitement the gift receiver has when opening a gift like this.  But I think if you start at a young age, the more likely the kid will begin to grasp the concept with less protest.  Little kids also have incredibly short attention spans, and no matter how cool of a gift you think you got them, the excitement will wear off as soon as they tear into that next gift.  If you need proof, ask your kid if they remember what you got them (or anyone else for that matter) for their last birthday/Christmas.

Get Them an Adventure/Outing
Give a gift of something the kid can do, with their family or their friends - movie passes, a gift certificate to the indoor trampoline park or their favorite restaurant, admission to the zoo or local water park, etc.  Yes, gift cards and certificates are not very exciting to open.  Even more so if you are little kid and don't know how to read.  This has definitely become one of my go-to options though for birthday presents for my kid's friends.  Instead of getting them something to be played with and then put in the toy box, you're giving them an opportunity to get out of the house and make some memories having an adventure - something they'll likely recount with more excitement then the time they spent cutting off all of Barbie's hair.

If it is logistically feasible, I suggest making it so you are the one taking them on this outing/adventure if you are giving to a niece/nephew/child of a friend, etc.  This has a doubled impact, as it gives you the opportunity to make some fun memories with them and can provide the parents a probably much needed break.  We got this idea from some friends of ours, who in lieu of birthday gifts for their nieces and nephews, would designate a day around their birthday when they would take that child out for a day filled with adventure - amusement park, ice cream, baseball game, etc.  When our friends relocated for work a few years ago, one of the nieces expressed serious concern about what would happen to "Gracie Day".

For parents, this approach can also serve as a gift to be given to others.  My Mom always says she doesn't want anything for Christmas, but can never seem to spend enough time with her grandkids.  This year, I'm seriously considering getting her a "coupon" redeemable for a whole weekend of uninterrupted quality grandkid time.  I'd even leave her the van with a full tank of gas.  Shh, don't tell her.

Put Money in the College Fund
If you think a kid would have a hard time getting excited about opening a gift card or certificate for something, you can imagine that a kid opening a note that you put some money into a college fund would get an even glossier blank stare.  But, we are all likely aware of the importance of investing in our kid's future.  This also hopefully helps the child understand, at a young age, the importance of saving and delayed gratification, which are more traits that lead to happier, better adjusted and more successful kids.  A gift like this can even be coupled with a gift that the child finds a little more exciting.  If you going to get a kid a cheap plastic toy made in China, why not get them a cheaper plastic toy and put the remaining money in a college or educational fund where it can grow with interest over time to be the gift that keeps on giving.

Make a Donation in the Kid's Name
Again, something that will likely be a lost concept on kids that are pretty young, but as they grow older, they would hopefully understand the significance behind it at an earlier age than most.  If you want a kid to be altruistic, it's much easier to teach them ways to be altruistic when they are young.  Try to make it something the kid can connect to.  If they are really into sports, maybe a donation to the Special Olympics.  If someone in your family or social circle has or has had cancer, a donation to the American Cancer Society or the Ronald McDonald House.  Like giving money to a college fund, they probably won't get it at first, but hopefully the importance of it will resonate as they get older.  Especially if giving back is something that your family values.  Christmas and Birthdays can be an excellent time to help teach kids about the things they are fortunate to have, and that some kids may not be as fortunate as they are.

Invest in an Activity or Hobby
Kids are more active than ever these days, and with those various activities (swimming, dance, tae kwon do) comes the expense of participation.  While I don't think you should try to deter a kid from wanting to participate in various activities by pointing out how much you think they are a drain on the family resources, you can make your child aware that these things are not free and require some investment.  If you help them grasp the magnitude of how those activities effect your daily routine, and how it isn't feasible from a time or monetary stand point (for us at least) to participate in everything, they might develop an increased level of commitment to the activity.  It makes it seem like participating in the activity or being able to pursue a hobby is a privilege, just like getting a gift, and not something they should have the expectation of being able to do.


With any of these somewhat "non-typical" gifts, the effect will probably not be realized right away, and will likely need to be continued for a few years for a tradition to set in.  Like the special days our friends set aside for their nieces and nephews for their birthdays.  Of course the kids were skeptical at first, but over the years, they've really come to look forward to this fun tradition.  As kids get older, these traditions can morph into really valuable life lessons that help kids understand the importance of giving and being empathetic.  Ones that can at times be initiated by the kid's themselves.  We all love hearing stories about kids who started a coat drive at their school or donated all of the toys they got for Christmas to a Toys for Tots drive.  But the desire to do those actions of altruism don't just appear out of nowhere.  They come from kids being exposed to and educated on the importance of those values.  If we want those kids to be our kids, we have to make a conscious effort to help them understand the things that we really think are important.  I think how we approach addressing their list from Santa can be a very challenging, but good place to start.  

Straight cash, homey.

^You maybe could have called this an argument, but both my wife and I are much too passive aggressive to argue about anything.

*Sharp knives actually came in at the top spot.

Two Years Down

"Four More Years, Four More Years!"

I recently surpassed my two year mark as a stay-at-home dad.  Luckily, I wasn't up for re-election this year.  Actually, I think mine is an indefinite appointment, removable only by impeachment or all kids being in school.  It has certainly been a whirlwind of the last two years, with many ups and of course a few downs.  If anything it has been a series of transitions over the last two years; staying at home with the girls, having a new baby and everyone being at home, Jess going back to work and me trying to keep three kids alive, figuring out that first summer, and then that second summer, and now our oldest hops on a school bus at 6:30am and doesn't come back until 3pm.  Even two months into the school year, I still feel like we're trying to find our footing for routine.

People will often ask me how it's going, or what's it like, being a stay-at-home parent.  While I don't like to compare it to a job, it draws similarities in the fulfillment department.  Some days I feel very accomplished as a parent, and I'm certain I'm doing exactly what I should be.  Other days, I wonder what the hell I got myself into and worry about how much I might be screwing up my kid's future.  I felt the same when I was working (outside the home).  Some days I felt incredibly fulfilled by my job, and other days I felt like walking out the door and sending someone back for my personal items.  Like anything, you have good days and bad days, but in the aggregate, the good has definitely out weighed the bad.  I'm certain there won't be any part of me that will regret my decision to stay home with my kids at this point in my life.

Of course eventually I'll probably have to go back to work once they are all in school.  Jess let's me get by with a lot of stuff, but I don't think she'd allow me to just sit on my ass all day once the kids have all gotten on the bus in the morning.  At least now when I sit on my ass all day, I can make the argument that I'm "watching them".  Truthfully, I've never had much of an end game in mind.  People will ask me if I'll go back to work at some point, and what I think I might do.  Honestly, I haven't given it a whole lot of thought.  I'm sure I'll go back to paid employment in some form, but I haven't made any sort of plan as to when or what that might be.  The more we've been able to operate on a schedule that revolves primarily around the kids, as opposed to one that is dictated by a job, the more enticing it seems to find a job that allows me to be on their schedule.  I've given serious consideration to following in the footsteps of my mother-in-law, who became a teaching assistant, or my own mother, who drove school bus, once their kids went off to school.  Maybe I could do both.

While I think every parent could be a stay-at-home parent (see earlier post for reference) deciding whether or not it's the best decision for your familial situation is a completely personal one.  I'll share below some of the impacts I feel the last two years has had on the various components of our family.

My Kids
Of course our kids are the main reason I am a stay-at-home dad.  Without them I'd just be a stay-at-home husband, or, in layman's terms, lazy.  I get the general sense that my kids being at home with me has been a net positive for them.  But then again, my opinion is pretty biased since I think I'm pretty awesome.  It certainly has allowed them to connect better with me, which in turn has made me better parent.  Of course they still love their mom the most, and would pick her over me in a heartbeat, but I've definitely drawn to a closer second than I otherwise would be.  I commented before on how I think the generous paid parental leave of my former employer helped me better connect with kids and make me a better father.  My opportunity to be home with them has continued that betterment in my view.

The practical positives of my kids being at home with me all day is they certainly don't get sick as often.  Unfortunately when they do though, it tends to wreak havoc on our house and doesn't provide me much relief (see earlier post for reference).  I also get to control the types of things they are exposed to; what unhealthy foods they'll eat, the type of bias of their media outlets, and how much physical aggression toward their siblings is socially acceptable.  There is also the relatively stable continuity that comes with having a parent at home.  This has become more salient now that Isla is in kindergarten.  She knows that dad (and usually everyone else in the family) will be there to see her out the door in the morning, and for sure dad will be there when she gets off the bus in the afternoon, probably still in his pajamas.  The continuity is good for kids.

Of course, having the luxury of being at home with our kids has allowed me to have more experiences with them, whether through adventurous outings, trips to the library, or impromptu (and probably ill-advised) patronizing of the local coffee shop.  These experiences can be fun filled, memory making outings, and they can be epic failures.  Similar to other "creative" things I might try to get them to do around the house.  Being a stay-at-home parent is definitely not a continuous Instagram feed of architecturally amazing forts, Etsy worthy craft projects, or viral YouTube videos.  I would average that for every "creative" idea I have for something to do with my kids, about 18% of them probably end up working out.  I often like to post on social media about my #realworldparenting moments.  The goal is to balance those annoyingly cute posts of parents and their kids in their "my heart is full" moments with a check of reality.  Like, "my hair is full....of the lice my kid brought home from school".            

Certainly there are some drawbacks, and having our kids at home with me full time has likely increased some of the separation anxiety they have when they go to school, or do an activity without the direction supervision of my wife or me.  They're usually limited to interacting with those who are around them, which, during the coldest days of winter, can be a pretty small group of very closely related people.  And as nice as it is to have some flexibility with their schedule, too much can sometimes backfire.  If your goal is to get them dressed by 10am most days, it can make it that much harder to get them up and at 'em by 7:30 on the times it's actually necessary.  They also have to put up with my mediocre culinary talents, but then again, so do I, so I can empathize.

My Wife 
My decision to be a stay-at-home parent was obviously made in consultation with my wife (sort of, at least).  One of the contributing factors in my decision to stay home was that it would (hopefully) make things a little less stressful for my wife and I.  Overall I think it has.  One of the nicest aspects about having one working parent in the family is you have only one schedule you need to work around.  It has also allowed me to attempt to do some of those domestic tasks necessary to keep a household with multiple inhabitants functioning - cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc.  Without a need for me to put on pants most mornings, I can also do romantic things like get her lunch ready for her workday^.  I'm sure there are times though when my wife wishes she had a wife of her own who stayed at home with the kids and undoubtedly had a higher standard of cleanliness, was better at folding laundry, and didn't eat as much.

Of course, having a spouse at home with your kids is not always rainbows and unicorns, especially probably if you are a woman and your spouse is a man.  While I've never really felt emasculated as a man being a stay-at-home dad, I know my wife can at times feel like she is not living up to the societal norms of what a mother and wife should be doing.  Often this will revolve around the amount of time spent with our kids.  Her standard for if she is spending enough with her kids is based on how much time I am spending with them, which is an excessive amount of time.  I try to point out that a vast majority of my time spent with them can hardly be considered "quality time", as it usually entails cleaning up their perpetual messes or constantly telling them not to climb on the furniture/table/countertops/roof, etc.

I can certain understand how those feelings of "parental guilt" can persist though, despite my attempts at insisting that they shouldn't.  Our society puts a ton of pressure on moms, and we're while we're evolving to a point of putting more pressure on dads, which will hopefully relieve some of the pressure for the moms, we are certainly a long ways out.  Of course I think part of the problem is that our expectations of what constitutes an incredible mom have gotten blown way out of proportion.  Much of this is self induced, but the prevailing accepted narrative around parenting roles is still focused heavily on the mom doing a lion's share of the parenting and the domestic necessities, while also being expected at times to contribute to the finances.  So, I can understand when my wife occasionally wonders if she is a "good mom" or a "good wife".  But thankfully she's not either of those things.  She is an "amazing mom" and an "incredible wife"*.      

For Me
Of course everyone is most concerned about me, right?  I mean, I'm the one staying home dealing with my disgustingly adorable and annoyingly well-behaved children.  How does he do it every day?  It has to be taxing.  Honestly, some days I don't know.  You just do what you have to do I guess.  In the aggregate, it has been amazing.  Sure there are plenty of frustrating moments, but I also get to experience a lot with my kids that other people don't, and for that I feel very, very fortunate.  I'm certain that once my stay-at-home tenure is completed, I will certainly look back on the years (however long they happen to be), as some of the best of my life.  And I've had some pretty awesome years already....

The pros of being a stay-at-home parent as plentiful.  Of course you get to hang out with your kids all day, but the auxiliary perks, like the fact that I've not worn a collared shirt on a weekday for almost two years, are pretty sweet as well.  I also get to (typically) listen to whatever sort of music I want to around the house during the day, without any disgruntled coworkers unplugging my computer speakers.  I get the benefits of "working from home" without having to make annoying sales calls or listen to boring webinars.  This is good because the decibel level in our house usually hovers between 80-110 pretty consistently.  While there is certainly chaos aplenty in our home, it has not contributed to any elongated spikes in my blood pressure or stress-induced ulcers.  My annual check-up this past week confirmed this.
       
Obviously there are cons as well to staying home, and I certainly have my bad days.  Kids can be a fickle bunch, and it can be mentally exhausting trying to reason with people who can't reason because their pre-frontal cortex is still developing.  It can also be an isolating experience too.  As a fellow stay-at-home parent once commented, "being a stay-at-home parent can be as lonely as you want it to be, since you get to choose who you interact with."  Some days I'm more than happy to only interact with my kids, but every once it a while some adult conversation is a welcome change.  Fortunately, I've had the opportunity to get to know a number of incredible parents (mostly moms, but also a few dads) who are at home with their kids, and often encountering situations similar to myself.  It took me a little bit of time to realize the importance of making these connections and how it has helped me to stay sane at times.

In his book, Dad is Fat, comedian Jim Gaffigan discusses the difference between how men and women cope with the challenges of parenting.  He comments that moms like to commiserate, through playdates and mom's group, while dads like to escape, through activities like eating and watching football (in his case at least).  About a year ago I was making cordial chit-chat with a mom at one of the library story hours I frequented with my kids.  After commenting that I was a stay-at-home dad, she replied that "it must be hard to meet other stay at home dads".  It wasn't something I had given a lot of thought about before that, as I didn't much consider how being a part of a network of other stay-at-home parents would be that beneficial.  In my view, my kids and I just kind of went about our day doing our thing, and that was that.

About a week after that interaction, I recall having a particularly challenging week.  A week when I wasn't feeling very accomplished as a parent and the kids were driving my absolutely crazy.  That was the point when I realized how important it can be to have those supportive people around you, beyond just your spouse and your close family.  Other parents who can relate a little more closely to what you might be dealing with because they are also interacting with their kids for a vast majority of the day.  As a guy, I think it can be challenging to admit that at times you need help, even when it comes to parenting your own kids.  But when you open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable about your fears and insecurities, you often find you're not the only one struggling with those things.

So that's what I've tried to do more consciously, to make those connections, especially reaching out to fellow stay-at-home dads, and challenge myself to be open about the aspects of parenting that I struggle with.  Interacting with other parents can often be a very superficial experience, focused solely on the nuts and bolts of the familial experience - how old the kids are, the activities they are involved in, what milestones they've hit, etc.  But as parents, we know there is so much more that constitutes the dynamic of parenting, and at times it just takes a little more willingness to be okay broaching those topics.  It can be scary and awkward, but it can also be extremely helpful and validating.  I recently started up a Stay-at-Home Dads Facebook Group for Central Minnesota, as a way to try and reach other dads in the area who may also be looking to make those connections.

At this time of the year when we are reminded of the many things we can be thankful for, I think of this opportunity I've had to be a stay-at-home parent.  It has certainly given me a different perspective on my life and the world around me, and I believe, positively impacted the relationships I have with others.  When I was in grad school, I had to come up with a sort of "mission statement for myself" as part of my professional portfolio.  One of my goals was to learn everyday by having new experiences and adventures.  This experience as a stay-at-home parent has certainly allowed me to do that, and for that I am very thankful.  At some point it will certainly come to an end, but if I make it until Gus goes off to kindergarten in 2020, I'd be old enough to throw my name in for another important position that might be opening up around that time.  I'll probably have a little more free time on my hands then.

 



^I've gotten pretty good at making turkey & cheese sandwiches these days, so I suppose I could always see if Subway is hiring sandwich artists.

*These balance my abilities as a mediocre dad and a slightly below average (on a good day) husband.

"Back to School, Ring the Bell."

To Prove To Dad That (He's) No Fool

We surpassed our 10th day of the school year this past week, a day my former higher ed colleagues always anticipate.  For our house the start of this school year definitely marked by a serious amount of anticipation, as this year Isla, our oldest, would be starting kindergarten, while Havi, our middle, would be starting her first year of preschool.  Like most every other parent who had a kid (or more) head off to school this fall, I also did the obligatory pondering of, "How did we get here?"  Luckily, after more than 10 days, we're still here.    

Last summer, after (questionably) surviving my first summer of stay-at-home parenting, I started to understand the sentiment of parents being ready for their kids to go back to school.  Last year, I was definitely ready, even though it was one kid going to school, three mornings a week.  This summer, I don't feel like I got to that point.  Yes, I was excited for Isla, as I knew she was ready and excited for kindergarten.  I was also excited for Havi, as I knew she was ready for something a little more stimulating and challenging (intellectually at least) than putting up with me all day.  Of course I was also selfishly excited to have a little lighter of a load at home so I could maybe, just maybe get a little more accomplished (or watch more trashy daytime television).  I think that fact though that this was going to be new territory for us - having one kid in school all day - I wasn't quite sure what to expect.

Or course before we could send our oldest off to kindergarten, we actually had to pick a kindergarten.  Growing up in small towns, this was somewhat of a foreign concept to my wife and me, where there was a school in your town (or maybe the next town over), and you went there.  Despite living in a "quaint" town not much bigger than my wife's hometown, we are apart of a larger school district, adjacent to a number of other smaller school districts and have a few private and charter school options in our larger community.  I think there are at least buses from at least six different schools that come through our neighborhood, trying to entice families to allow them to educate their kids.  All of the options have their pluses and minuses, and it certainly speaks to the privilege that we have to be stressed out about picking the "right" school for our kids.

Ultimately we decided on pursuing one of the language immersion programs offered by the public school district we are a part of.  Yes, not only did we have a variety of schools to choose from, we could also decide if we wanted our child taught in English, Spanish or Chinese.  We chose Spanish.  This did mean that Isla would be attending the elementary school in our district that is furthest away from our house, and not the brand-new (or less than 10 years old), state-of-art school that is only 1.5 miles down the road.  Again, the problems of the privileged.  Because her school is a solid 25 minute drive via the interstate, the bus picks her up at 6:30am, which has turned us into earlier risers than we already were^.  While the distance and the early wake-up gave us some hesitation for enrolling in the Spanish Immersion program, we wanted to at least try it and see how it goes.  I also vaguely recall getting on the bus at an un-Godly hour and riding for much longer than necessary (uphill both ways) during my school days.  It seems to be a rite of passage.

Fortunately, for our kids, no matter where they go to school, the odds of them having a successful school experience are pretty high.  It is often said that parents are the most important educators in a child's life, and one of the biggest indicators of future academic success is the support that they get at home for their education.  Yes, quality schools are incredibly important, but as one high school counselor once said, reassuring me that picking a school for our children wasn't such a monumental decision; you have great kids come out of some pretty terrible schools, and you have some terrible kids come out of some pretty great schools.  We likely have at least a few years before we start to see if our kids will turn out like eager overachievers like their mom, or lazy underachievers like their dad.

Coming from an upper middle-class, two parent household that strongly supports the educational experience - given that my wife and I have a combined 13 years of higher education, the chance of our kids being complete fuck-ups are pretty slim.  Not to say that it can't or won't happen, and we won't someday be bailing one (or more) of them out of jail.  The odds are just pretty heavily in their favor; to not be fuck-ups that is.  We're also fortunate that one of those two parents (that's me!) has been able to make the conscious decision to stay home with the children, having more time to support their educational experience, help with homework - the English stuff at least, and be involved with their school.  PTA anyone?  

Of course, like most parents, we have our fears in sending our kid off to school.  A lot can happen during the day when you see them off on the bus at 6:30 in the morning and they don't get back until 3 in the afternoon.  Oddly, most of the fears I've had tend to revolve around the logistical stuff - will she make her bus transfer, what if she doesn't like what they are serving for lunch that day; and the social stuff - will she make friends, will anyone play with her at recess.  We found out after the fact, that on Isla's third day of kindergarten her bus broke down on the way to school, and they had to wait for another bus to come and pick them up.  This caused her to miss breakfast at school and, because she has to get up so early, she typically doesn't eat anything before getting on the bus.  When I found this out, I had a mini-freakout.  "So, you didn't eat anything until lunch?*  Weren't you starving?  How'd you survive?"  She just kind of shrugged her shoulders.  Heaven forbid she ever have to experience hunger.

Gus has a book, Elmo's First Day of School, that he insists on us reading almost every day (I think he just really likes to say "Elmo").  On Elmo's first day of school, he is a little hesitant at music time because he doesn't know the words to the song the teacher is playing.  Elmo's teacher reassures Elmo by pointing out that school is all about learning new things.  It's somewhat rhetorical to say that school is all about learning new things for the students, but I also think it's as much a learning process for us parents as well.  Of course our kids are learning how to read and write and do math.  They're also learning how to be independent and make choices and interact with others in various settings, not always in the purview of adult supervision.  Most importantly, I think they are learning how to cope and deal with the circumstances and situations that they are in.

As parents we're learning, or should be at least, how allow them to cope and navigate those situations on their own.  It's not as though we're sending them out into the world on their own, but slowly we're giving them more independence.  In one of the many parenting books that I've read, the author pointed out that we cannot control our kids.  We can only coach them, and hope that their behavior and actions will reflect how we've coached them.  I think this is particularly true when you send your kid off to school.  We can't control everything that they do or foreshadow every situation that they're put in.  We can't keep them in a bubble, filtering what they are exposed to (more on censorship later), dictating their actions, or deciding what crowd they decide to pal around with.  Am I somewhat concerned that Havi, who habitually waits too long to relieve herself might have an accident while at school?  Sure, but there isn't much I can do about it if it happens.  Odds are she wasn't the first and most certainly won't be the last.  

The sooner we can learn to gradually let go, the more independence and confidence they will gain (which presumably is a good thing in the long run).  Will it always go smoothly?  Of course not.  It can be excruciating to watch our kids struggle and at times ultimately fail at something.  We've already experienced two such moments with Isla during her first two weeks of kindergarten when she broke down in tears because she couldn't figure something out.  As eager as a parent can be to rush in and try to solve the problem for them, that is part of the process of school, and life.  I think our role as parents shouldn't always be to solve our children's problems, but to support them through their failures.  When I feel the urge to come "helicoptering in" to rescue one of my kids, I like to think of the line from the Frou Frou song, "Let Go" - "there's beauty in the breakdown".

Of course we as parents will fail at times too.  That is how we learn and grow as parents.  On Isla's first day of school, because it wasn't raining at 6:30am when she got on the bus, we neglected to send a coat with her.  It proceeded to rain for pretty much the rest of the day, and when I found out that they still went outside for recess, I was a little taken aback by my lack of foresight.  "So you went outside for recess.  In the rain.  Without a jacket because we didn't send one with you.  Interesting."  Note to self, double-check the forecast each morning before sending kids out the door.  Luckily my kids can't grasp the concept of micromanagement just yet, trusting that I will (someday) learn from my own mistakes.    

Not only do we have to learn to trust that our kids will be able to figure it out, we also have to learn to trust the educational structure that has been created to support and nurture them.  The teachers, the bus drivers, the administrators, the resource officers.  We have to trust that they have the safety, security and best interest of our kids in mind every day, while also being mindful of everyone else's kids too.  We have to believe that they want to see our kids succeed as much as we do, but that they might have a different perspective on our child and how they can support their pursuit of success.  It can certainly be hard to develop this trust, especially when you hear about tragic events like the Jacob Wetterling abduction that took place in our "quaint" community over 25 years ago, and only recently came to a very sad and tragic close.

When most of our news headlines are dominated by terrifying and heart-wrenching stories about the things that are most precious in our lives, it seems justifiable that we as parents have a desire to embed GPS chips into our kid's socks or conspicuously follow a block behind the school bus the entire way to school.  I think it would be informative, likely soothing, and certainly funny if we could watch our children navigate the school day through a hidden camera without them knowing.  Observing would hopefully ensure us in knowing that they're okay, and likely provide a little validation to us as parents that we're doing at least an okay job raising our kids.  But we have to find a way to give them that space to develop themselves and their personalities. Or, to paraphrase Martha Beck from her book Expecting Adam, we have to transform into parents who can accept our children, no matter what.

Right now, I will graciously accept our kindergartner who was excessively excited to get her first homework assignment this past week.  And who is disappointed that she doesn't get to go to school on Saturdays and Sundays, even if that means the notion of sleeping in on the weekends is lost on her.  I'll also graciously accept our preschooler, who is a little hesitant to leave the comforts of her mom and dad's presence (mostly mom's), even though she always has a ton of fun in school.  In a few months/weeks her excitement will probably (hopefully) mirror her older sister's.  And our little guy, who certainly notices when his older sisters are gone, saying their names with an inquisitive look on his face, and responding with a somber "oh" when I tell him they are at school.  His time will be coming certainly fast that we can expect.  However it is that we got "here", we're here. Soon enough we'll be "there", wherever "there" is.  "Everybody on?"

Havi started the school year for us with her first day of preschool.

Isla followed the next day with her first day of kindergarten.

               

Poor Gus is just stuck at home with dad.
It will give him some time to grow into his glasses.

^I will completely understand if you never again invite our family to be overnight guests at your house.

*Bear in mind that they eat lunch at like 10:30am.