Me Too

Of Course, Me Too

If you don't spend a lot of time on Facebook or Twitter, then you may not have been aware of the recent prominence of the hashtag #metoo.  In light of the flood of allegations of sexual assault and harassment by Harvey Weinstein, actress Alyssa Milano encouraged sexual harassment and assault victims to use on social media to come forward with their own stories.  The goal of the campaign, which was actually started before hashtags even existed, was to raise awareness of the sheer number of people, especially women, who have been victims of sexual harassment and assault.  Sadly, the odds are high you probably know someone who used the hashtag, or even worse, used it yourself.  On the day of Milano's tweet, the hashtag was used more than 100,000 times.   

While sexual harassment and assault can happen between any dynamic of people, we most commonly think of it as women being sexually harassed and assaulted by men.  Yes, men can be sexually harassed and assaulted by women, as well as other men.  Women can also be sexually harassed and assaulted by other women.  Transgender and those who do not eschew to the gender binary can be sexually harassed and assaulted by men, women or other trans individuals.  They can also obviously be the ones doing the harassing.  But given the precedence of high profile men or groups of men committing the disturbing acts, our stereotypical view of sexual harassment and assault is understandable.  The sheer number of victims sharing stories and using the hashtag tends doesn't do much to challenge that view.

I did not Tweet or use the hashtag #metoo, although I likely could have in its suggested context.  Even if you are a straight guy like me, odds are you have been sexually harassed or assaulted at some point in your life - likely by your male peers in a locker room or as part of some hazing ritual.  Or, as has happened to me before, by someone whose sexual orientation is different than your own.  That certainly happens, and it should not be tolerated any more than the widespread sexual harassment and assault that women endure on a daily basis.  If I thought long enough, I could probably also recall a time when I was sexually harassed, and maybe even assaulted, by a woman.  Even despite my #dadbod, I've been "cat-called" or had my ass grabbed without my consent.  Likely when I was mistaken for someone considerably more attractive.

When I first read about the #metoo campaign, I wondered if a potentially more powerful and probably more insightful use of the hashtag would be having those of us, especially us men, acknowledge the times that we've been the perpetrators of sexual harassment and sexual assault.  If that was the case, then I have to admit that I would be using the hashtag.  My guess is that if you are a guy, and you thought long and hard and really considered what sexual harassment and sexual assault can consist of, you probably would have to use it too.  Apparently I was not the only one who has had a similar thought.  Not long after the #MeToo campaign came out, a #HowIWillChange campaign encouraged men to take some onus on stopping sexual assault and harassment.  As with seemingly everything today, it was also immediately met with its own criticism. 

While the #MeToo campaign has certainly raised more awareness of the issue, it's tough to predict what impact, if any, it will have decreasing sexual harassment and sexual assault, especially in the stereotypical view of which we think of it - men as the perpetrators and women as the victims.  Especially considering that a number of anti-sexual assault/harassment PR campaigns have existed since the 1970s.  Some people, especially men, have commented on the personal nature of the #MeToo campaign.  We hear about the high profile cases that become public, but #MeToo has given all victims (another) platform for sharing their stories - which can easily include our own family, friends, neighbors and coworkers.  The fact that we should be surprised that someone we personally know has been a victim of sexual harassment or assault shows our complete obliviousness to the magnitude of the problem, given the staggering statistics that 1 out of 6 women in America will be the victim of rape or an attempted rape.  Non-scientific, conservative guesstimates put the percentage of women who will be sexually harassed at least once in their life at 105% (margin of error 3%). 

I became aware of my own predatory behavior a few years ago while reading Michael Kimmel's book, Guyland.  A prominent voice on men, masculinity and the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, especially on college campuses, Kimmel's book made me see that my own behavior at times could easily classify as sexual harassment or even sexual assault.  Granted most of those incidents happened under the influence of mind-altering chemicals, but just as consent can never be given while intoxicated, at least in some states, intoxication cannot be used as a justification for committing sexual harassment or assault.  Even before my days of imbibing, which I'm somewhat ashamed to admit started much earlier than they should have, my raging pubescent hormones and desire to prove myself to my peers, and myself by way of my peers judgment, led me to misogynistic behavior that probably should have landed me a short stay in a juvenile detention center.  Herd mentality being about as legitimate an excuse as drunken stupidity.

Since becoming a parent, I tend to look at social issues, especially the unsavory ones, through the lens of its impact on my kids.  I do not want my kids, especially my daughters, to be victims of sexual harassment or sexual assault.  But at this point, the statistics don't look very promising.  The fact that their mother is incredibly attractive does little to ease my concerns.  Equally though, I do not want my kids, especially my son, to be perpetrators of sexual harassment or sexual assault.  I can't guarantee that they won't, but I can reinforce my belief that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated.  If I want to effectively do that, I have to acknowledge the fact that I've been, as Michael Ellsberg puts it, "That Guy".  It's shameful, embarrassing and uncomfortable to admit, but it pales in comparison to the pain that those who have been victimized experience.  And while my actions have been no where near those of Mr. Weinstein, or Mr. O'Reilly, or Mr. Cosby, or the countless other male celebrities, sports stars, current and past politicians; any sexual harassment or assault, no matter how small or "innocent" it can seem to the one doing it, is too much. 

If we really want to change the culture of sexual harassment and assault in our society, we have to change our perception of who it effects.  As Angelina Chapin points out, "sexual harassment and assault are always framed as a women's issue."  But in reality, more often than not it is an issue created for women by the predatory behavior of men.  A campaign like #MeToo, and the countless other campaigns before it, bring the attention to the victims but also tend to make it their problem to solve.  The problem won't be solved, or even probably get much better, until those of us who have been perpetrators acknowledge our role in perpetuating the culture, either implicitly or complicity.  It draws similarities to author/activist Tim Wise's reasoning to why he, a white man, works so hard to end racism.  He sees racial discrimination as a problem created for people of color by white people, and subsequently a problem that needs to be fixed by white people.

As a married, father of three who is no longer searching for a reproductive mate, it may seem easy to fess up to my own transgressions and, as some have critiqued, give myself a self-congratulatory pat on the back for how I have changed and don't do that anymore.  But my job as a parent is to help my kids avoid the same mistakes I made.  I can't go back and undo the things that I've done.  Maybe had I been more considerate of the the fact that one day I would likely be a father, and would not want those things done to my daughters, or done by my son, it might have deterred some of my own  offensive behavior.  Through my experiences though, I can show my kids how even someone who purports to have a lot of respect for women can be easily advance the all too familiar misogynistic narrative.  Considering the myriad of ways in which we objectify and sexualize others, especially women, in some of our most prominent institutions, it is something that seems to need continual addressing. 

When asked about the Weinstein allegations, President Trump, who said he "has known Harvey Weinstein for a long time", admitted that he "wasn't surprised".  With the President himself having been accused of sexual assault and harassment by over a dozen women, it seems to be something he may be familiar with.  During the 2016 Presidential campaign, when the infamous Access Hollywood tapes surfaced, then candidate Trump classified it as "locker room talk", something he did again when asked to compare his remarks in 2005 with the Weinstein allegations.  In my view, Trump's denial of actually doing what he says he did in the video is more disturbing than him merely claiming he did, or could do it.  If he did it, it's sexual assault.  If he didn't do it, he felt the need to say that he did and can (which is still sexual assault).  Thus suggesting that he thinks it is okay and others, like the impressionable Billy Bush, should do the same.  Given the President's track record in respectful behavior toward women, I doubt he'd be leading the charge of tweets, despite his fondness for the platform, in any #MeToo campaign that focused on the perpetrators.

Sadly, I don't think the issue of sexual harassment and sexual assault, especially against women, will be going anyway anytime soon.  I would like to think that this time around, the #MeToo campaign will really have some positive effect, and I think that any campaign raising awareness of an issue so prevalent in our society has plenty of merit.  We've certainly come a long way from the time of when "Mr. Weinstein came of age", but we've definitely still got a long ways to go, and we tend to be reminded of this weekly, as the next big sexual harassment or assault story comes to light.  That certainly doesn't mean that we shouldn't try though.  If we want to make this world a place where our daughters, and our sons, aren't viewed as sexual conquests based on the way they dress or express their sexuality, then we need to shut down the behavior of the perpetrators that leads to that.  If we don't want to find out that our sons, or our daughters, have been the perpetrators of sexual harassment or assault, we have to demonstrate why that behavior has no place in our society. 

While I want a place like that to exist for my kids, it would be hypocritical to not want it to exist for everyone else's kids, which is everybody.  Continuing the push to get to that place, which women have been advocating for far too long, requires men and especially us fathers to acknowledge how we've contributed to the culture of sexual harassment and assault that exists today, either through our own actions or lack of action.  We need to realize that we have just as much, if not more, responsibility to bring it to an end.  And not just by tweeting about it.



This was a pretty heavy topic, and obviously not one that lends itself well to humor for good reason.  Before recognizing that I myself had been a perpetrator of sexual assault and harassment, I was like most guys and didn't really even understand what constituted sexual assault and sexual harassment.  You can obviously read the legal jargon and try to make sense of its ambiguity, which likely perpetuates the problem.   I thought this popular meme of Comedian Peter White seems to sum it up pretty succinctly though.