My SAHD Christmas List

Making a List, Checking It Twice

When people ask me what I want for Christmas, I usually mention something from Amy Grant's grown-up Christmas list; peace on earth, goodwill toward men, etc.  It's not that there aren't certain things I wouldn't mind getting for Christmas (I'm not that selfless), it's just that I kind of feel uncomfortable asking for them.  I also realized a number of years ago, that if you ask for something you really want, you might just get it.  One problem is that gift might not be exactly what you asked for.  Like one year I asked for a tent, and I got one, but it wasn't really one that I wanted.  I then had a tent that I would likely never use and still wanted a different tent (which is actually pretty selfish).  Sorry, Mom.  So I usually get the basics; socks, underwear, iTunes gift cards, popcorn tin.  Everyone is a winner.

This year, I thought I'd take a different approach, given my new adventure.  This is my SAHD (stay at home dad) Christmas List, based on what would compliment my daily operations:

1. Food, lots of food.  In bulk.  We go to the grocery store about every two hours.  I'm scared to think of the number of cavities my kids have developed from the consumption of free bakery cookies and suckers at the check-out.
   Let me get more specific on what would work well:   
• 2 Cows - one that will milk herself and deliver a half gallon of pasteurized, skimmed milk daily to our back door; another that will give birth to a calf and then walk herself to the meat market to be butchered and processed - the calf would then need to repeat the process the following year (circle of life)
• A chicken that would lay 1/2 dozen eggs each week; more if we decided to do breakfast for supper or an egg bake on the weekend.
• Year-round fruit-producing trees and plants; preferably apples, oranges, any/all berries but rasp, pineapples, pear (partridge optional).  We could even do the picking, it would be a fun family activity.  (I know what you're thinking, some of these things can't be grown in Minnesota, and especially not year round.  Damn it, we went to the moon, someone can figure it out.  Fruit is expensive!).
• Weekly deliveries of individual yogurt cups.  The flavored kinds, please.  If they are from Greece, even better.
• A baker to procure a loaf of fresh, sliced, whole grain bread between the hours of 2am-6am, three times a week.
• An indefinite, bottomless cup of coffee.
2. Diapers or paid tuition for a potty training boot camp (if such a thing exists).  The boot camp would be more environmentally conscious, but I'll let you choose.  It's a gift after all.
3. Soap - dish, laundry and tear-free, combination hair/body wash - we prefer the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Brand, Donatello scented please.  See top photo below for reference.
4. Piano lessons for Isla - as much as I told myself I would learn how to play the piano we bought off Craiglist, so I could teach her myself, let's get real.  If you can find a multi-lingual piano teacher, as my Spanish instruction is coming along about as well as my piano, that would be great.
5. Annual membership to The Bounce Adventure - bounce houses are like country clubs for kids, hence the reason they sell absurdly priced memberships to them.  
6. Knee pads - I spend a lot of time on the floor (engaging in play with my kids for those of you with heads in the gutter).  I'd be a much more effective horse/lion/dragon/cat with a little cushion.
7. A retractable roof we can put over our backyard.  Synthetic grass could be useful too.  When we aren't using it, I'll rent it out to local youth sports teams and split the profit with you.
8. A continually refilled gas card - for our bi-hourly trips to the grocery store and Bounce Adventure.
9. A Yellow Mustang for Havi - See bottom photo.  You have a few years for this one.
10. Weekly Wine/Liquor delivery - A toddler in a liquor store is like a bull in a china shop; best to keep them out as much as possible for moral and safety reasons. 

Just a few ideas in case you were planning to pick up any last minute gifts for me.  If they seem unreasonable,  peace on earth and goodwill toward men will also suffice.

"Cowabunga, dude"

If they still make Mustangs in 2028 and if yellow is still her favorite color, she'd like one of these.
No way, I'd be able to afford it.  Ever.