This Family's on Fire

#fiveonfire

I started working on this post in (early) November, but given the craziness of this time of year, naturally just got around to finishing it.  Along with the start of the Holiday season, November begins birthday season in our house, with our oldest and my wife celebrate birthdays just before Thanksgiving.  On the same day, in case you weren't aware.  The festivities continue into December with our other two kids celebrating birthdays right in the midst of other holidays taking place.  

This year, November was extra special in our house because it happened to be a "bonus paycheck month", something my wife and I look forward to excitedly considering how much we geek out about personal finance.  Oh, and November was also Movember or No Shave November, which gave me an excuse to be additionally lazy and not shave.  And then subsequently do this to my facial hair.

My sister made a $210 donation to the Movember Foundation
so I could look like this until December 21st. 
Aren't older siblings great!?!

Bonus paycheck month was a phenomenon we became aware of when we started working jobs that provided us steady paychecks (or direct deposits) every two weeks.  Despite being anal retentive when it comes to tracking our finances, we had overlooked the fact that while we typically budget by the month, there are 26 biweekly pay periods in a year (52/2 for those who struggled in math class).  Overlaid over twelve months, which typically just have two paydays, we realized that two months of out every year would actually have three paydays that we neglected to figure into our monthly accounting.  Hence us affectionately titling them as "bonus paycheck months".  At first it felt a little like landing on Free Parking in Monopoly.

When I "retired" more than four years ago, the financial piece of our life puzzle obviously received a lot of review.  Whenever we (likely all of us) question whether we are able to do something that will significantly impact our lives - take a trip, buy a house, quit our jobs etc. - the most common question is if we can afford it, financially speaking.  When I decided to leave my paid employment to stay home with the kids, a number of people pointing out the savings of not having kids in daycare.  Fortunately, I had a financially lucrative enough job where working, even with three kids in daycare, would have been a net positive for our bottom line.  Thus deciding to stay home with the kids made us examine how we could scale back some of our other expenses to make it feasible.

Like probably 101% of the rest of the working world, my wife and I are eagerly looking forward to the day when we can actually retire.  And not in the way that I commonly utilize the term.  Like a number of other working professionals in their mid-30s, we've become increasingly intrigued by the FIRE Movement, which stands for Financial Independence, Retire Early (for those who don't follow the numerous FIRE blogs).  The concept can take on a number of different looks, but the underlying premise is to get to a point, preferably sooner than later, when you have amassed a savings where the annual rate of return would cover your annual living expenses.  This makes you financially independent from paid employment and you can choose to work if you'd like, but aren't dependent on a paycheck to cover your day to day operating budget.  To reach this magic savings number, more or less those numbers people carried around in that ING Commercial, you can increase your earnings, decrease your expenses or a combination of both.  Hit that magic number, and you're considered "on FIRE", just like draining three straight shots in NBA Jam.

While the FIRE Movement has become a more recent phenomenon, and is particularly popular with a certain subset of Millenials (kids these days....), the concept is certainly not novel, and the "FIRE Movement Bible", Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin, was originally published in 1992.  In the book, Robin views our relationship with money as ongoing transactions of our life energy.  When we work, we are exchanging our life energy for the compensation that we receive for doing that job (and, as Robin notes, likely not accurately accounting for all of the other things that go into our job that also take our life energy).  When we use the money we are trading the life energy for the product or service that we purchase.

If you find yourself adhering, or attempt to adhere to the FIRE Movement, a natural phenomenon is an intense scrutiny of your finances.  In her book, Robin encourages those interested in reaching an early Financial Independence to track every single cent that goes in and out.  This provides a basis for which you can better understand how much money you earn, where that money all goes, and how you can make the appropriate changes to reach FI (financial independence) as soon as possible.  It's a daunting task, and can seem downright insurmountable if you are in the midst of raising children and continually assaulted by the child-rearing industrial complex that begins during pregnancy, continues from infancy, and exacerbates into emerging adulthood - a development phase that seems to get longer and longer.

Most parents are familiar with the oft-cited statistic that it costs on average north of $250,000 to raise a child from birth to age 18, not including any educational expenses.  In reality, barring any major medical expenses, raising a child can cost as much or as little as you want it to.  But it will certainly cost at least something - that $250k figure is considered basically the essentials; food, shelter, clothing, etc.  Some FIers, like one of my personal favorites who sports facial hair to compliment his financial blog name, suggest waiting to start a family until you reach financial independence.  If you are hoping to raise your kid(s) on the more cost effective side (a polite way of saying cheaply), it will take some intense and constant push back against the normative culture of conspicuous consumption that is constantly among us, and shines particularly bright this time of year.  And not necessarily in a good way.

As a free willed adult, bucking the "earn, spend, repeat" cycle isn't too hard to do, if its something you think will be beneficial to your general well being.  My own personal foray into the world of frugality, voluntary simplicity, minimalism, forced poverty, whatever you want to call it, stemmed heavily from my semester abroad in college.  Having amazing experiences while living out of a backpack, cycling the same few material items on a daily basis, helped me realize that there is much more to life than the acculturation of stuff.  I returned from that semester vowing to avoid owning anything nice enough that someone would want to steal.  As I've transitioned to parenthood, this notion seems in line with the idea of not being able to have nice things because your kids will inevitably break them or color on them with permanent marker - like our middle child just did to the back seat of our van a few weeks ago.

Explaining a radical concept like this to kids though, or trying to help them understand why the adult figures in their life are so obsessed with maximizing the personal value of their expenditures, provides its own unique opportunities and challenges.  Adolescence is essentially defined by comparing yourself to others, and a bulk of those comparisons revolve around socio-economic status.  Even though most kids (and probably a fair number of adults) likely have a hard time defining what "socio-economic status" is, they can certain recognize who wears the brand name clothes, whose parent drives the new car, and who lives in the biggest house, while consequently assigning values of coolness and popularity based on those observations.  The notion of defining your self worth in comparison to others grows with us into adulthood and sets the stage for the struggle of "Keeping up with the Jones" or the Kardashians, or whatever the last name is of the family everyone you know seems to materially aspire to.

The underlying concept of Financial Independence, as per Robin and other FI advocates, is to establish a better relationship with money.  One where your money works for you, as opposed to you working for your money at a job that sucks more of your life energy than you are willing to give.  While the FIRE movement might have the words Retire Early in the acronym, the notion is to really allow us the financial freedom to expend our life energy however we feel most satisfying.  This might be working a traditional job, it might be volunteering, it might be sitting on a beach drinking Mai-Tais if you so choose.  While sitting on a beach enjoying cold beverage sounds like an ideal retirement, and really wouldn't require a lot of savings to sustain, most people would recognize that you can only do that for so long.

For my wife and I, one of our main impetuses for trying to reach an "earlier-than-we-originally-expected" financial independence is to have more flexibility to make memories and build relationships with our kids, each other, and those who are meaningful to us.  While we were certainly not financially independent when I "retired", it was a similar thought process.  Adjusting our financial needs to allow us to live the life we wanted to live, while continuing to plan for the future who hoped to have.  We are incredibly fortunate that my wife's compensation allows us to live a more than comfortable lifestyle while also considering a concept like early financial independence.  We could take a much more aggressive approach to catching FIRE, and we personally know others who have, but we've consciously made decisions to live well within our means while also placing value on what is important to us as a family.  Hopefully hashtags will still be a thing when we finally do get to use the clever one my wife thought up, which serves as the subtitle of this post.  

In striving for financial independence, I hope that we are modeling a healthy relationship with money for our kids.  Helping them to establish an early pattern of saving, and sharing, what they earn (through chores or lost teeth) and consciously thinking about every purchase they make and how it impacts their financial future.  We're not reviewing profit and loss spreadsheets or making them understand the components of compound interest (yet, at least), but we try to be open about our finances, and money in general, as much as we can to hopefully help them understand its finite-ness, as well as the positive and negatives that come along with earning it and spending it.  As challenging as it is for adults to grasp the notion of delayed gratification, especially given that the average American carries approximately $6,000 of credit card debt, I hope our kids develop healthy financial habits early in life that will continue into adulthood - and likely make them less financially dependent on us when they are out our their own.

I recognize that one of the main reasons we as a family can even consider a concept like an "earlier than stereotypical financial independence" is that both my wife and I were blessed to have parents who worked hard to provide for their families, while subsequently modeling healthy financial behavior.  Anyone can achieve financial independence (and hopefully all of us do at some point in our lives), but we certainly started in a much better place than those who struggle to cover the essentials - food, shelter, etc.  Neither of us came from particularly wealthy families, but our parents worked hard to provide what they could, while laying a framework for us to be better off economically than they were if we followed their examples of hard work.  They clipped coupons and patched up our clothes.  They saved for us to pursue educational opportunities that would allow us to find gainful employment. They sacrificed so that we could have the chance at a better life than they did.  This privilege is certainly not lost on us, and it's a particularly salient point for me, as my parents are closing in their own retirement dates at the end of this month after 40+ years of working to provide for my sister and me.

For those who were not provided that same level of privilege during their formative years, the thought of socking a bunch of money into a tax-advantaged investment account with hopes of an early retirement can seem comparable to proposing a trip to Mars.  I believe that our inability as a society as whole to live within our means, and the collective cultural desire to consume more perpetuates the wealth inequality that currently exists and continues to increase.  If we can't identify when we have too much, we likely can't identify when we have enough.  And because we never feel like we have enough, it leaves others trying to scrape by considerably less than enough.  We fail to recognize the needs of others because we are too consumed with the pursuit of getting what we think we need or deserve, based on what the advertisements and social media posts tell us.  This creates the conundrum posited by one of my favorite late 20th century philosophers, Tyler Durdin, "we work jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need."

It's not a proposition I'm too interested in entertaining, and not something I would wish upon my kids either.  Nor do I desire that our kids become "entitlemaniacs" that expect toys with every trip to the store, or excessive numbers of presents at every birthday and holiday.  Not that getting your kid a gift for their birthday or Christmas is going to turn them into a self-centered narcissist, but if we want our kids to become caring and empathetic individuals, who are more likely to succeed in life, we at times need to exercise some restraint.  And often the best of intentions can lead to the unintended of consequences.  Sure it can be challenging to ignore the constant whine for something a kid desires, be it a new toy, candy, or more screen time, but if you've ever shuttered inside while observing your child flip through a toy catalog and point out what they want, which happens to be everything in the catalog, there is no time like the present.  It's okay to say no to your kids.  I'm guessing your parents said no to you, a lot.  For some odd reason, this concept often becomes lost on grandparents.  

I recently saw a social media post that chastised parents who bought their kids elaborate gifts from Santa - iPads, ponies, etc.  By doing this, the author of the post argued it created a sense of inadequacy in those kids whose families did not have the means to give those gifts, much less make them seem like they came from "the big fat man with the long white beard".  Hard for a well behaved kid who comes from a family below the poverty line to comprehend not getting the iPad he asked for from St. Nick when his "top tax bracket AGI and in the principal's office every other day" classmate got a new one to replace the one that was in his stocking last year.  Attempting to level the Santa Gift Playing field is a noble endeavor - maybe we should require a $20 gift limit like the office Christmas Party White Elephant gift exchange.  Another option though, would be to raise kids who don't make exorbitant requests to a fictional senior citizen who is supposedly able to deliver gifts to the 1.9 billion good girls and boys of the world.  Of course we could always come clean come clean on the whole Santa business. It may seem a bit cruel, but is it much crueler than Santa "bringing" some kid from the Naughty List a pony and a kid on the Nice list a pair of socks?   

     

Add "Hey Santa, we've been really good this year. 
Can you bring us a 25% return on our the family index fund?"

Now, if you are one of the (few) regular readers of this blog, you might be getting ready to throw out your hypocrisy flag.  Dude, didn't you take your kids on a trip to one of the most expensive countries in the world this past summer.  And aren't your girls involved in one of the more financially committal after school activities.  You are 100% correct, and the dance thing I struggle to rationalize at times.  But trying to become Financially Independent is not about doing everything humanly possible to not spend money.  It's not about dumpster diving or going around to everyone else's table at a restaurant and asking if you can take their leftovers home.  It is about making conscious efforts to reserve your financial resources predominately on what you believe adds value to your life.  It's also about preserving the resources that you have in effort to not be wasteful, while considering how fortunate you are to have basic necessities; food, water, shelter, that others wish for dearly on a daily basis.  

Pursuing financial independence doesn't require extreme deprivation now so you can achieve a certain state of nirvana when you finally catch FIRE.  In fact for Christmas this year, we opted to purchase a family ski pass to our local ski hill as our main present to the kids (and ourselves).  In the end it will undoubtedly be more expensive than purchasing them a variety of toys and clothes, especially factoring in the number of hot chocolates we will inevitably purchase throughout the season.  But it was a purchase we felt comfortable making, knowing that the memories we make as a family will beyond exceed the cost of the pass.  And hopefully not yield any subsequent ER visits.  

My wife and I have commented that not much will likely change with our lifestyle when we reach financial independence, despite our ability to have more time to do those things we really love.  We've already make conscious efforts to integrate those things into our life, and have taken the necessary steps to make them as feasible as possible.  As the adage goes, if you are waiting for retirement to do "all the things", the likelihood of you actually doing them upon retirement are pretty slim.  For this reason, we often conflate what we actually think we might need to reach financial independence and free ourselves from the burdens of needing to work for a paycheck.  Also for this reason, I have zero qualms ponying up $500/kid to take them on a worthwhile family adventure, but might think twice before springing for a new $15 backpack each school year.

You best enjoy that turkey and cheese croissant courtesy of Delta Airlines.
Food in Iceland is expensive.

Like most things, financial independence or actively seeking financial independence isn't for everybody.  Although, I have a hard time believing that statement myself.  I think we would all enjoy having a certain level of financial independence, but fewer than all of us are interested in taking the necessary steps to actually achieve it.  And some of us have gotten so steeped in the conspicuous consumption culture, that we've come to terms with the fact that we will spend the bulk of our living years working to sustain that lifestyle.  The sad irony is making that choice tends to lead to a life filled with an excessive amount of stress.  Stress about never having enough money to cover all of the expenses.  Stress that comes with having too much stuff in your possession which creates too much clutter in your life.  Stress about never having enough time because you are busy working a job to cover the various expenses that come among with those possessions that are likely adding stress and clutter to your life.  I may not get out much these days, but I've never met someone who has consciously decided to live with less who seems on edge about life.     

It's little wonder why this time of year, where we often spend excessive amounts of time fretting over the perfect gift for that special someone or that perfect outfit for that important holiday party, tends to be equally the most wonderful and stressful time of the the year.  Yes, I used that exact phrase before, and will undoubtedly use it again next year in a post.  But we all know that it doesn't have to be that way, and we all know what the true reason for the season is, even if our collective actions tend to indicate otherwise.  Of course a certain amount of stress is to be expected around the holidays, and the concept of overcoming that stress can feel rewarding in its own way.  But if you are stressed out about what to get your kids for Christmas, if you get them anything at all*, consider pondering this question;  "If money wasn't an issue, what would I get them for a gift?"  Sure the answer might be abstract and likely unattainable, but that will guide you in the decision making process.  If money wasn't an issue, I'm guessing a bulk of us wouldn't buy our kids what we will inevitably end up buying them.  It seems crazily counter-intuitive that we would buy these things with a limited budget, just for the sake of them having something to open on Christmas morn.   

If you are looking for gift tips that might skew more to FIRE Mentality, you are welcome to revisit my post from two years ago.  You certainly don't need to get me anything, but if you would like to, you peek at my SAHD Christmas List from a few years ago.  Four years later everything is still very relevant.  But seriously no material gifts necessary.  Peace on earth and goodwill toward women and men is more than enough.

And now my gift for you, as if my meandering preaching wasn't enough.  If you are at all interested in more concrete concepts of FIRE or financial independence, or just interested in trying to simply your life (which typically results in a healthier financial situation), here are a few recommended resources:   

Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin - essentially the FIRE Bible, and complementary website to bring it to the 21st Century.  Philosophical and practical advice all wrapped into one

Voluntary Simplicity by Duane Elgin - this book was my personal introduction to the voluntary simplicity/minimalism movement, which is very congruent with a FIRE Mentality.  Pretty heady, but lots of practical advice and nuggets of wisdom from those who have chosen to live with less.

The Minimalists - Two guys who made an award winning documentary, wrote a couple of books, and host a podcast about their journey into Minimalism and advocate for a simpler life.

Meet the Frugalwoods - Another great book (and blog) about a couple's journey to Financial Independence.  The book is a great read with thoughtful and honest insight.

The New Frugality - A book by one of my favorite public radio economics editors.  It provides a very useful overview of how to become smarter with your finances without needing a CPA.

Mr. Money Mustache - A great and humorous blog from a guy (and his family) who achieved early financial independence in somewhat typical FI fashion - well paying job, aggressive savings and investment.  Very candid and explores a number of well thought out topics that can help make sense of FI, how to get there and how to life a good life once you do.  


*Kudos to you if you do a buy nothing Christmas.  We're not there yet, but someday hopefully.  #firegoals

Me Too, Part 2

I was always planning to follow up on my Me Too post from last year.  After some review, I realized I didn't offer up much, if any, advice on what we can do, especially us parents/dads, to stop sexual harassment and assault.  Heavy on condemnation, light on suggestion.  Given the current events and public discourse over the most recent appointment to the Supreme Court, now seemed like an appropriate time to revisit the topic.  I'm going to try to avoid getting overtly political.  Most of you probably know that I have a tendency to lean relatively far left, so I certainly have some profound philosophical disagreements with the Honorable Judge Kavanaugh.  But having taken a number of Poly Sci courses, I respect the various branches of government for what they are, and recognize that a President with whom I have philosophical disagreements with is likely going to appoint a judge I'm not too excited about.

What I am going to touch on though are some ruminations that I've had as I've watched the nomination circus take place, as well as things I pondered before the circus even came to town.  I can't even pretend to imagine that I am an expert on the topic, but here are some strategies that I try to incorporate into my approach to dealing with the topic of sexual harassment and assault, and some things I hope to do as my kids get older.  As with everything I write about, take it or leave it for what it's worth.

1. Not Sexually Harassing or Assaulting anyone, regardless of their gender.  This is obviously the most important, and should seem to be the easiest, but as I mentioned in my previous post, we're not always aware, especially us guys, of what constitutes harassment or assault.  We can take Peter White's advice, but sometimes we get tunnel vision - especially if we're sporting beer goggles.  Which is why number 2 is essentially just as important. 

2. Calling out harassment and assault when you see it and intervening when necessary.  Again, should seem obvious, as long as we know how to identify it when it is taking place.  When talking about our dress code at work with my old employees, I used to suggest that if they weren't sure if something was appropriate to wear to work, it probably wasn't.  I think the same can be true with harassment and assault - if it looks like it might be, it probably is.  Once you identify that certain rhetoric or actions are unwelcome, calling it out and stepping in to stop it is certainly a whole other process. 

After watching Burger King's surprisingly good PSA on bullying, I think my new approach to intervening with any type of altercation is to assume that what is taking place is actually staged for research purposes, with hidden cameras planted to watch my response, or lack thereof.  Odds are it likely won't be, but it could be, and nobody really wants to be caught on camera being the complicit bystander.  If anything, I figure my annoying curiosity of where the hidden cameras are placed could hopefully put a halt to any unwanted harassment or potential assault.

3. Talk to your kids.  I'm definitely not looking forward to the sex talk with my kids.  But it's an inevitable part of parenthood.  I think you can start discussing adult topics in non-adult ways to introduce the idea at a young age, and hopefully make it easier to bring up later.  While I was finishing up my previous piece on the topic, and my kids were yelling at me to get them a snack, I mentioned that I was writing something about being respectful to people (it was a subtle jab that they obviously didn't get).  I then told my almost three year old son that he especially had to be respectful of girls.  And I left it at that.  Of course he didn't get it, but I figure the sooner I can start driving that point home, the sooner we can discuss the bigger issue.  It may not be a fun topic to discuss with your kids, but it is incredibly important.  As Peggy Orenstein elaborates on in her book, Girls and Sex, if parents aren't having those conversations with their kids, then they will turn to their peers and the media, not the best places you want teenagers learning about sexuality in my opinion.  

4. Allow/Encourage your kids to have friends of the opposite gender.  Studies have shown that kids who have opposite gender friends learn better problem solving and communication.  Having opposite gender friends also helps develop more empathy and respect for the other gender.  According to Tony Porter, co-founder of a Call to Men, boys are less likely to see women as sexual conquests when they have friends who are girls.           

5. Be in charge of what they are exposed to.  You are the parent, and you have the right to make decisions of what your kids are exposed to.  If you think something advances stereotypical gender roles, and you don't feel comfortable with your kid being exposed to it, then don't expose them to it.  Whether that be; Disney Movies, NFL Football Cheerleaders, Victoria Secret magazines*, whatever.  It's obviously not feasible to keep them in a bubble, and you wouldn't want to do it anyway, but there is little incentive to actively exposing them to it.  They will see it sooner or later anyway, but you don't have to force feed it to them.  Just make sure you are ready to have the conversation about it when they ultimately do get exposed to it.

6. Let them play with, and how, they want to play, but encourage them to have diverse experiences.  If my son wants to play with dolls, paint his nails, take a dance class, I will be more than happy to let him.  Likewise, if either of my daughters want to operate power tools, go hunting or play football, I will let them.  Well, okay, not the latter two, some of you may know my opinion on guns and football.  But you get my point.  I'm not going to chastise my kids for playing with, or playing in a way that is typically affiliated with the opposite gender.  I would rather allow them to embrace what their passion is, than try to stifle that passion by sending the message that "boys/girls don't do this/that".  While letting them embrace their interests and passions, I would also encourage them to develop understanding of other's passions.

The Hjalli nursery schools in Iceland have been getting some press recently for their radical ways of educating boys and girls by compensating for gender differences - naturally some negative and some positive.  Opponents tend to argue that separating genders and forcing them to work on developing skills that are typically more dominant in the opposite gender are unnatural.  But having two young kids that are learning to read, that process seems pretty unnatural as well, and I don't think we'd want to go back to world with excessive illiteracy.  If we view empathy and respect as skills worth learning, then they need to be cultivated and honed through practice.  We can let our kids play with what they want, but we should also show them that there are other things that they can play with, and maybe they might really like playing with those things if they tried.  I think this is especially true when it comes to items that tend to fit our current gender stereotypes.  Which segues nicely to the next point.       

7. Let them wear what they want (for the most part).  I've commented before that I'm usually just happy when my kids are dressed.  Period.  Preferably plus or minus one season.  If what they are wearing matches, or makes them look "cute" by the Gap Baby standard, fine.  But honestly, my main concern is mostly clothed kids.  Our 3 y/o son used to wear pink crocs.  They were his sisters' old shoes and he could put them on himself.  That was what matter most to me, not that they were a color that was typically associated with girls clothing.  As I've mentioned before, our kids are going to find out, sooner rather than later (they already are starting to) what constitutes "stylish" as defined by our society, and how what we wear projects our status, or lack thereof. 

I'm not interested in telling my kids what goes and what looks cute (primarily because I have no fashion sense myself) and what are boys clothes and what are girls clothes.  Especially not if they are already dressed, and any attempt to get them into something that is more "social acceptable" requires hostage-like negotiations or a Greco-Roman wrestling match.  Of course there are times to deviate from this principle, and you have the authority to exercise parental veto over what they are wearing (or not wearing) based on appropriateness.  I'm also not suggesting that you force your son to wear pink tutus, or your daughter for that matter if she doesn't want to.  But the point being to avoid trying to label clothing and styles and colors in gendered ways and projecting definitions of beauty and social acceptability that are typically rather arbitrary.

8. Show affection to my kids, and especially my son.  I've commented to people before that one benefit of having daughters first was that I think it has helped me become a more affectionate father, especially when it comes to interacting with my son.  Having had four years to cuddle little baby and toddler girls, it didn't feel any different to cuddle our son, even though he was a boy.  Even now that he's approaching his fourth birthday, I'm just as likely to give him a hug and a kiss on the check as I am our older two girls.  He maybe even appreciates the affection more than his almost 8 going on 18 oldest sister does.  I recently read that no amount of affection that your show your newborn can be considered too much.  As they get older, this obviously wanes with their general attitude toward your outward displays of affection to them becoming less enthusiastic.  But it's important to set that base, as I think that models healthy and beneficial affection. 

Human beings are social animals, and we crave that affection, and may even need it for our survival.  As the Boss suggests, "just a little of that human touch."  If we don't show healthy affection to our kids, and especially our sons, at a young age, can we expect them to reciprocate that healthy affection to others as they get older.  Does it seem disturbingly correlative that we have a tendency to see boys as "tougher" and in need of less affection, when they also commit violence, especially sexual violence, at much higher rates than girls?  While any excessive awkward hugs and "I love yous" I give to my son might not prevent him from ever committing an act of sexual violence, I'm guessing it probably won't increase the risk.



So those are just a few of my strategies for how I've going to try and raise my kids and approach the topic of sexual harassment and violence.  I'm certain they are not fail-safe ideas, and there are likely other strategies that can be used as well.  As I mentioned in my piece on firearms, I hope my kids are never victims of gun violence, but if I had to choose, I'd rather have them be victims than perpetrators.  I think the same can be true when it comes to sexual harassment and violence.  And unfortunately, at some point, given that 25-30% of women report being victims of sexual assault or attempted assault and 80% of women report having been sexually harassed, my daughters will likely be affected by this first hand.  But for only as much as I can do to try and ensure that might kids are never the victims, there is much more that I can do to try and ensure that they are never the perpetrators.  And if we all took that approach as parents, then maybe we could be less worried about our kids becoming the victims.

Since Kavanaugh      

During the confirmation hearings for Judge Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Lindsay Graham (a conservative who I have actually found myself admiring from time to time) stated that he thought the Supreme Court Nomination process would be drastically different after this most recent nominating process.  He said history would look at things before Kavanaugh and after Kavanaugh given how divisive the process was.  Most of my thoughts above were ideas that have been in my head before it was even know that President Trump would have another Supreme Court vacancy to fill.  But since that process started, some additional things have come to mind as I've followed the events and discourse of various people.  Things below might take on a little more of a political bent, so you are welcome to tune out if you'd like.  But I do think they merit some airing, so if you want to read on, please do so by all means.

During the nomination process, and following the allegations of sexual assault toward Judge Kavanaugh, the President often made the claim that Kavanaugh was considered, "guilty until proven innocent."  Presumably this meant in the court of public opinion, which tends to be the case when high profile claims like these are made.  I thought about this notion of "guilty until proven innocent" and decided this couldn't possibly be the case, as Kavanaugh was never charged with any crime or incarcerated without an opportunity to post any bond.  His case may have been litigated in the public sphere, and in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, but he was never handcuffed and forced to wear prison issued clothing (like Paul Manafort was) and appear before a judge and jury.  This is what typically happens when people are charged of crimes, and seems to challenge our judicial standard that someone is actually "innocent until proven guilty."

The other claim often made by the President, other Republican lawmakers and conservative commentators is that Judge Kavanaugh's "life has been ruined and reputation tarnished" by these allegations, which they believe to false (or mostly false).  But as the lawyer for one of Kavanaugh's accusers, Christine Blasey Ford, pointed out, her allegations were made to inform the nominating process, not stop it.  And ultimately Judge Kavanaugh was appointed to the Supreme Court, so he got what he wanted.  Yes, it maybe took more convincing and combativeness, but to say that his life is ruined or that his reputation is tarnished seems a little drastic.  As far as I can tell, his family still loves him, and the President that appointed him and the Senators who confirmed him still seem to have confidence in his judicial ability.

Of course, Saturday Night Life addressed the topic of the Kavanaugh confirmation in its Saturday night episode.  One thing that caught me from the satirical recreation of the Senate Republican's locker room victory party was Cecily Strong's portrayal of Maine Senator Susan Collins, and her comment that "It's important to believe women, until it's time to stop."  Strong's portrayal of Collins underscored a sentiment I've developed since the Me Too movement started but without the comma.  Every time I hear of an accusation of sexual assault or harassment, especially toward women, I find myself believe the accuser, whether those allegations turn out to be factual or not.  We've become so accustom to hearing about sexual assault and harassment, and given the fact that about 90% of sexual assault claims end up being true, I've found I have little reason to doubt a woman who claims she was sexually harassed or assaulted.

Yes, there are certainly false allegations, and I'm not trying to make a judgement on who I think is telling the truth between Judge Kavanaugh and his accusers.  What I am saying is that based on statistics and societal precedent, I have little reason to doubt his accusers.  Thus I am going to believe the women until it's time to stop.  Until our society alters its behavior and attitude toward sexual violence in way that doesn't make it seem like sexual assault and harassment is the norm, since it currently is for the vast majority of women.  And maybe that is part of the reason Judge Kavanaugh has defended his innocence so vigorously, because despite none of us being there in those moments, history has shown us that it is very plausible that he did sexually assault his accusers.  It would be great if we didn't have that conception, but until sexual assault and harassment becomes considerably less prevalent, a notion of "guilty until proven innocent", especially in the court of public opinion will likely prevail, and may not be such a bad thing.

One more comment that caught my attention in the past week was Donald Trump Jr.'s remark that in the current environment he is more worried about sons than he is his daughters.  At first I found his statement to be rather preposterous, but then I realized that his sentiment is completely understandable given his life experience.  I suppose he could be worried that his sons would be victims of sexual violence, as males can certainly be victims as well.  Or maybe he is worried that his sons will someday commit an act of sexual harassment or violence, and he will have to reckon with that as a father.  I'm guessing though that his worry is rooted in the notion that his sons might be falsely accused of sexual assault or violence (which we've already established happens in approximately 10% of cases).

I can certainly understand his worry.  He's worried that his sons won't be able to grow up in the patriarchal society that he's lived in, where men can objectify, harass and assault women with little recourse.  He's worried that his sons will grow up in a world where its not acceptable to speak openly about being able to sexually assault women just because you are famous (I can see why he would be particularly concerned about this, as he's probably certain his sons are going to be famous).  And maybe it's okay for us to be worried about our sons at this point, seeing as we've been worried about our daughters since the beginning of time.  The Hebrews, the Greeks, the Romans - sexual assault, especially toward women (but they certainly liked their young boys too), has been a part of world history basically since evolution or creation or whatever you want to identify as the start of mankind.  Maybe it is finally time for us to worry about our sons, since we've always worried about our daughters.  We've told our daughters, and other females who are not our daughters; to never leave your drink unattended, carry mace and a rape whistle, dress less provocatively, go to the bathroom in groups, be vigilant because any man could be a rapist.  We've told our sons to be nice to others, and maybe girls in particular, and just hoped for the best.  Not considering that those rapists are someone's sons, if not our own.

So while Donald Jr. is worrying about his sons, I'll worry about his daughters, and my daughters, and his fiancee and his ex-wife^; along with every other female I consider a friend or family member.  I'll worry about them until we become a society that gives me reason to not have to worry about them.  Of course I'll worry about my son too.  Doing everything I can to ensure that he develops respect for all humans, and especially women, won't guarantee that he never become a perpetrator of sexual violence.  But while rates of sexual violence have fallen by nearly 50% in the last 15 years, I think we can all agree that it is still too prevalent.  Especially when we hear Me Too stories from our family and friends.  We can worry all we want, but worrying about it won't fix it, and it certainly won't make it go away, which is another thing I think we can all agree would be a good thing.                     

                     

*I've never quite understood the rationale of why Victoria Secret models seductively pose in attempt to sell women's undergarments to women.  Oh wait, are they trying to create a standard of what constitutes a sexy woman, which I suppose would typically be defined by male standards, so women will purchase their product so they can also be sexy, in the eyes of men?  I guess I do get it now, thanks for letting me think that through.

^I do genuinely believe that Donald Trump Jr. is worried for his daughters and the other women in his life, if his comment seemed to suggest otherwise. 

We (have) Come (back) from the Land of Ice and Snow

Police Escorts, Everybody Passports

We returned from our summer family trip about a month ago, so we, in theory, should be full recovered from our jet lag by now.  They say you need a day to acclimate for each hour of time zone change you make during your travels.  For young kids, a week for each hour of time zone change might be a little more accurate.  At least that's what I'm telling myself, so I can use it as an excuse for my kids, and my own, surly behavior at times.

As previously mentioned, my wife and I enjoy travel and liked to travel as often as we could before we had kids.  We weren't (and still aren't) globe-trotters, but traveling and exploring new places has always been a priority for us.  We told ourselves this wouldn't change when our family grew, but quickly realized the complexities (and added cost) of traveling with small people.

We've taken a handful of trips since the kids have been born.  Some big, others small.  Some have ended with smiles, others have ended with trips to the ER.  In all they were mostly enjoyable, certainly memorable experiences.  They always contain their fair share of tense moments - just slightly above our statistical average.  Two years ago, we mustered up the courage to put our kids on a plane (don't worry, we went too).  This August we took the plunge and made our first international family foray; an adventure to Iceland where our blonde hair, blue eyed kids would fit in like locals.  

If Iceland hasn't been blowing up your social media feed the last few years, you might not think of it as a desirable location for a family trip.  But thanks to its jaw-dropping natural beauty and relatively reasonable flights - both from a cost and time perspective, it's actually been a family destination hot-spot for quite a while.  For us, it was a 6 hour direct flight, with airfare not drastically more expensive than our trip to the West Coast two years prior.  Our trip was also mostly encouraged by family history; my wife's grandma, who is half Icelandic and always wanted to visit, and my wife's mother, who is a great travel companion and always up for an adventure (as well as a quarter Icelandic, obviously) were able to join us on our trip.  The fact that it was a multi-generational trip made it that much more memorable - at times enjoyable so, at times more stressfully so.

Staying consistent with our previous kid accompanied adventures, this trip was certainly a net positive.  It was an expensive endeavor no doubt, but totally worth it in my view.  One thing I've noticed in my years of parenting (feels like decades at times), is that it is always easier to talk yourself out of doing things.  Especially if the kids are involved, and even more so if it will require a significant investment - money, time, mental fortitude, etc.  But sometimes you just have to; as a friend of mine encouraged on social media, "take the trip"*.  The more accustom your kids become to engaging in such nonsense, the easier and, presumably, more enjoyable, it will be to continue to do so as they get older.

Like all of our adventures, kids included or not, our trip certainly had its fair share of hiccups.  When I booked our flights, I opted for Delta's extremely no-frills Basic Economy fare, which lacks, among other amenities, advanced seat assignments.  Despite my continued reassurances to my wife that no airline, no matter how bottom-line minded they were, would seat our 7, 5, and 3 y/o's next to complete strangers; coupled with the extra assistance of a very patient Delta Reservation Specialist assigning our entire group seats together upon our booking, when I went to check-in the morning of our flight, I noticed that we had all been redistributed to middle seats.  My wife's voiced concerns had become, at the moment, frustratingly prophetic.  Fortunately, thanks to some other very patient and helpful Delta staff, we were all able to sit together on our outbound flight.  How they managed to swing this I'm not sure, as these same staff were simultaneously trying, very persistently and lucratively, to find volunteers to fly out the following the day.^

In all the kids traveled about as well as we could have expected them - we did set our expectations pretty low, so don't envision smiling, happy, reasonable volume using half pints.  With our outbound flight being overnight, we hoped they'd sleep for at least a few hours.  Our youngest two did for most of the six hour flight, while the 7 year old maybe slept a wink longer than I did, which wasn't much (even despite my free nightcap!)  Luckily, Delta has opted to double-down on the in-flight entertainment experience, so when they weren't asleep, the kids spend 99% of the remainder of the flight in a zombie like trance stare at the glowing screen in front of them.  I've commented before that traveling with kids is "any port parenting" at its best (or worst).  This trip was obviously no exception.  

It has been well studied that low expectations can directly lead to increased happiness in certain situations, and traveling with children certainly fits that bill.  We saw a fraction of what we could have saw during our week trip had it just been my wife and I.  That's okay though, because part of the allure of the trip was the trip itself.  Being in a different place.  Breathing different (and much cleaner) air.  We you are traveling with kids, you are forced to take things slower, but at times this helps you appreciate the smaller things that are around you that you may have missed as you rushed from one Instragram-worthy site to the next.  Somewhat unintentionally, we adopted an every other day strategy during our trip.  One day we'd go and explore, the next we'd tend to stay closer to home, enjoying time together and doing things that we'd typically do at home.  Sure, this can make you question why you dropped a hefty sum on flights and accommodations, but it's part of the process.  As the kids grow, they'll, conceivably, be more up for adventures, and more physically capable of doing them.  After one of our first trip adventures, to the infamous Blue Lagoon, our 5 y/o informed us that she wanted to come back to Iceland when she was 10 and didn't have use the mandatory water wings while enjoying the rejuvenating waters.

Having a soak in the "waste water" from
Iceland's largest Geothermal Power Plant.

The trip itself was an incredible adventure, and I would refrain from using the term "vacation" to describe it.  The natural wonders of Iceland are beyond compare, and we only saw a small fraction of them.  As I described it to some people, it's like Hawaii met Montana in Switzerland and never left.  A volcanic island with glaciers and beaches (albeit black sand), an edgy European capital with random livestock roaming around the countryside.  The photos that we took by no means due justice to the beauty of the landscape, even when it was raining or whipping gale force winds.

There are plenty of great logistical travel details if you are interested in getting more info, and I won't pretend to be a travel expert on the country at all, nor will I bore you with the minute details of our trip - even considering the many hours I poured over them.  What I've noticed is that anyone who has been to Iceland will happily tell you all about their experience glowingly, and I always love to garner that first hand advice.  The one piece of up front advice that was given to me that is worth relaying is if you are considering a trip to Iceland, start sacking away some money now.  Getting there might be reasonable, and accommodations are comparable to other places we've traveled, but everything else - gas, food, clothing, etc. is crazy expensive.  Our place (an AirBnB) had a kitchen, and we had some gourmet cooks in our group (not me or my wife or my kids), so we were able to save some stretch by making most of our own meals.  But food at the grocery stores was still significantly higher than the US, which you'd kind of expect given that it's an island at 66 degrees North latitude.  We did spring for the occasional meal out, which included the most expensive bowl of tomato soup I've ever consumed, eaten inside the very greenhouse where the tomatoes were grown.  It was utterly delicious, and because it was bottomless, I think I might have gotten my money's worth.

For a nominal charge (in comparison to the cost of the bowl of soup)
you can drink birch schnapps from a hollowed out tomato.   

Another money related tidbit I was given in advance was that you will not need to take out any physical Icelandic Kroner (their currency) during your trip.  Every business, and I mean every business - even the farm that sells ice cream made from the cream, takes a credit card.  Fortunately we found a few Kroner coins in the couch cushions of our AirBnB to bring home as souvenirs.  Lastly, and maybe mostly important, make sure you know where the closest Vinbudin is and when it is open.  Being Icelandic rookies, and unfamiliar with the state owned and operated liquor stores, we found ourselves wine-less for a few days - which ironically happened to fall over Iceland's equivalent of Labor Day, when it is common for island residents tend to drink themselves into a stupor.

Yes, even this farm, with absolutely delicious ice cream
made from their own cows accepts credit cards.

While we were only there for a week, and our every other day schedule of sightseeing was somewhat limiting, we did hit up a number of the highlights.  We ponied up for the Blue Lagoon, which was really cool, but I wouldn't do it again if I went back.  Like most people, we did this right after we flew in, which in retrospect, might have been better to do just before we left (or the day before leaving depending your flight out time).  We spent a day in Reykjavik, which seemed to the be the consensus from others of enough time to spend there - and it probably was.  We opted for accommodations closer to the Golden Circle area and spent a day hitting up those sites - the Crater, Geysir and Strokkur Hot Springs Field, and Gullfoss.  We passed on visiting Thingvellir, the site of the country's first parliament and spot where the Eurasian and North American tectonic plates are slowly pulling apart.  I found myself less excited about visiting places that had names I couldn't pronounce.  I was hoping to bring the kids to their first professional soccer match by catching a game of the Icelandic Premier League, but unfortunately we couldn't find one that worked during our trip.

Obligatory family photo in front of one of Reykjavik's main tourist attractions.
It's a church.

Our one huge day of travel found us venturing along the South Coast, and eastward to the Jokulsarlon Glacial Lagoon, with stops at Vik and various beautiful (but unpronounceable) waterfalls along the way.  After an hour detour (each way) on a very bumpy gravel road due to some glacial flooding on the (one) main highway, it turned into 15 hour day, with 2/3 of that time in the car.  We kept telling ourselves it would be worth it, and it definitely was.  We had hoped to venture up to the Snaefellsness Peninsula as well, but figured we had tested our limits enough.   Instead we hardly left our cookie-cutter Icelandic cabin the following day, opting for a soak in the hot tub while the kids jumped on the trampoline - two amenities that seem mandatory for Icelandic accommodations.

Still smiling after 5+ hours of drive time. 
I don't think they realized we had 5 more hours to get back.

Our AirBnB also came with its own gymnastics training center.

One additional perk of traveling with your kid's grandma, and great-grandma, is that my wife and I actually got to sneak away for what one could possibly describe as a date.  Our date happened to be a very early morning, relatively strenuous and excessively cold and windy hike to a natural hot spring in Hveragerdi (which literally means hot river in Icelandic).  Because we were up so early we actually had this well visited attraction all to ourselves, which was amazing, but but did nothing to help me persuade my wife that real Vikings didn't wear swimsuits.

Watching the sun rise over the mountains
while sitting in naturally occurring 105 degree water. 
Pretty cool.

By far, the highlight of the trip was the opportunity to connect with some distance relatives of my wife's grandma.  We met what would be my wife's grandma's father's brother's granddaughter and husband (you followed that right?) for lunch one day.  We were also able to have her and her husband, along with her brother and his family, over for dinner the night before we left.  For my wife's grandma, who viewed this trip as sort of a historical family pilgrimage, you could see the light in her eyes and the smile on her face when discussing her grandparents and their family with other descendants of the same family tree whose roots date back to the 1800s.  And likewise for the rest of us, who were aware of the history, but lacked that personal connection to it; the opportunity to have very genuine interactions with some real live Icelanders, made the trip that much more memorable - even if our kids could easily be mistaken for locals.  It was this experience that made the trip particularly unique.  Anyone can visit the sites, whether they can pronounce them or not.  But not everyone gets a chance to share an authentic Iceland meal (pizza, lasagna and salad from CostCo) with people who have lived in Iceland their entire lives.  They also came through with some awesome parting gifts for the kids, which was perfect considering we intentionally neglected to buy them any souvenirs.

By far the highlight of the trip.  Connecting with distant relatives
and meeting real live Vikings - who looked a lot like some of us.  

And so when we returned home, which we were ready to after a certain point.  We've started plotting what's next.  We have passports for the kids, and they're only good for five years, so we figure we should start filling them with stamps.  Before our trip, a friend of ours (who also has younger kids) commented on how cool it will be for our kids to get their first passport stamp at such a young age and from a place as unique and beautiful as Iceland.  Our kids are pretty fortunate in that already they have been able to take trips my wife and I didn't take until we were in our 20s.

But these are the experiences we want to have with our kids, and we will continue to work to make them a priority in our life.  We hope that as they grow, they will see the value in these experiences and make them a priority as well, especially as they start their own families.  We recognize that our adventures with our kids will not always be smooth sailing, and at times we might question what we got ourselves into.  But we believe that the life experiences they will develop through these adventures will help turn them into well rounded, adaptable and capable individuals.  We also believe that at some point they'll develop memory bias, like most of us do, and remember these trips better than they actually were.  It's certainly what those of us footing the bill will be doing.

   

       

*Her comments were made in relation to her own family's recent summer trip, which, based on the photos, seemed similarly filled with smiles and tears like our trip.

^Had we not been traveling with kids, my wife and I would have definitely taken their offer to bump to the next day.  We momentarily considered it, but couldn't find a reasonable explanation to provide our kids beyond the fact that it could have essentially paid for a trip.  Kids don't understand that kind of macroeconomics.    

Give Me A Break, Give Me A Break

All By Myself

I love my kids, and my wife.  I really do.  I know when you say that it makes it seem like you don't, but trust me, I mean it.  I'm incredibly fortunate that I get to spend as much time with them as I do.  Every once in a while though, it's nice to get away, or have them get (go) away, and experience some good old fashioned solitude.  Sometimes it's nice to get yourself out of house and go find a quiet spot in the woods to meditate, or your local sports bar to drink beer and eat wings.  Other times though, it's nice to remain in your own domain without having to worry about providing for or looking after others.  A king in his castle with no subjects to rule if you will.

Last month, I had two consecutive kid friend weekends, with the second weekend being followed up with two additional days free of parent duties.  Again, I love my kids, but as someone who tends to spend an exorbitant amount of time with them (especially in the summer months), it was a welcome break.  The first weekend, my wife and I actually got a chance to have a couple of kid-free days, and thankfully this time I did not take over-advantage.  It was about the midway point between our birthdays, and since birthdays as parents usually become a family filled affair, we wanted to take a night (or two) for remember what life was like before kids.  Given our free weekend, we should have whisked away to some romantic B&B, but instead found ourselves spending a bulk of our time geeking out about our finances and the prospect that we might be able to retire early, or at least earlier than we thought.

The second weekend though was a classic bachelor weekend.  My wife had taken our kids to her parents' for a baby shower (not ours, we're done), which meant I had the entire house to myself.  The weekend was followed up with our kids spending a few days at my Mom's while I helped out my former employer, which became four consecutive days .  With an empty house and no one to answer to, one would assume that I stayed up late, got up late, ordered pizza, and hardly left the couch.  I actually worked most of the weekend in one of my various freelance hospitality gigs (aka bartending), partially in effort to stay focused on discussion topics from the previous weekend.  Even despite my seemingly counter-intuitive use of free time, it was nice to have a couple of days where I could be on my own schedule, play whatever music I wanted, and play it as loud as I wanted - no radio edits necessary. 

I had a high school English teacher who always said that "variety is the spice of life."  He also taught me that hamburgers are done and people are finished, but that's (maybe) another topic.  As parents it can be hard, and at times guilt laden, to take time away from active parenting.  But it is completely necessary in my view, if you want to stay sane as a parent.  Many of the books/blogs/articles I've read strongly encourage spouses to take date nights after having kids in effort to mitigate the toll that having kids takes on a marriage.  Similarly, I believe it is vital to take those individual times, away from your kids, away from your spouse/partner, to do some individual reflection/sleep/Netflix binge.  Especially if your role is one as the primary caregiver, and that care giving is your primary day to day responsibility*.  

As previously mentioned, I often try to avoid drawing comparisons between stay-at-home parenting and traditional paid employment.  But if you are working "9-5", as Dolly Parton would say, or "for the weekend" if you prefer Loverboy, at some point you get to punch out at the end of the day and go home (if that is even still a thing).  When your primary daily role is to parent and support your kids, those responsibilities continue well into the overtime hours, typically without the time and a half.  So every once and a while, you need a break.  A day or two off.  We all know that if you engage in a  repetitive action for too long you are likely to injure yourself in some way.  When it comes to parenting, too much uninterrupted child rearing  is bound to have detrimental effects on your mental capacity and fortitude.  I don't know of any peer reviewed studies, but the anecdotal evidence seems compelling.  

You could even label your day or days off as professional development.  Back in my younger working years, I would usually get the chance to attend a conference once a year (if the budgets were okay and I could sweet talk my wife into letting me go).  These conferences were obviously geared toward learning about best industry practices and new ideas or resources that could be used in our office, but they typically turned into more of a "social commiseration".  Attendees would gather to gripe about how bad their jobs sucked, often while enjoying complimentary beverages sponsored by a company who was hoping to get you to purchase their product.  While I always came away with at least a couple of new ideas related to my work, the bigger benefit from attending those conferences was having a feeling of refreshment for the work, which may have been bolstered by not having to actually do the work for a few days.  It also helped to know that there were others out there experiencing the same struggles that you were.                     

When I have those relatively rare occasions when my kid-rearing duties are non-existent, I often feel refreshed as a parent when I am back in the presence of my children.  I certainly savor the moments of freedom, and try to keep the guilt at bay, because I'm pretty certain they are not thinking about me (maybe about their mom).  But I also use those moments as a springboard to help me be a better parent when it is time to take back the controls of the family airplane.  My parental fuse lengthens considerably when I am able to take those periodic breaks from parenting, and my appreciation for the amazing ways in which my kids (and of course my wife) contribute to my life grows.     

Typically, when we shirk our parental duties for a day or more, the responsibility for looking after our angelic children goes to our parents.  We don't get out much, and they live close enough, without living too close, that it works logistically for our kids to see their grandparents regularly enough (my Mom would most certainly disagree).  When we send our kids to one of our parent's for a night or a weekend, I do tend to feel a little bit of guilt, like I am pawning my kids off on them.  But I quickly remember how much our kid's grandparents love spending time with them, and how they would take them any chance they could get.  We're very blessed that both my wife and I have parents who full on embrace their roles as grandparents, and our kids love spending time with them as well.  I also think back fondly about the times from my childhood when I stayed with my Grandma, and the wonderful memories my sister and I were able to make with her.    

Like most all things with parenting, and life in general, the key seems to be finding the balance.  We don't ship our kids off every weekend, but we try to do at least one, possibly two date nights a month; and a full weekend, or even a long weekend, once a quarter.  Is it enough, too much, too little?  Who knows, but it has seemed to work for us.  It gives us time to ourselves, and at times even our individual selves, without feeling neglectful.  You have to find what works for you logistically and mentally, but it is important to make it work.  Sometimes you just have to take advantage of timing.  Part of my rationale for relinquishing parental duties for six full days in the last month was the fact that just after a four day stretch sans-kids, we would be embarking a week-long family trip that would encompass a lot of together time - more to come on that later.

It's natural to want a change of scenery at times.  Occasional breaks from the routine can be refreshing - it's why we take vacations.  If you feel like you need a quick time-out from your kids, or maybe even your spouse, try not to feel too much guilt about taking it.  Use it as a way to recharge your parental and spousal batteries so you'll have more energy to devote to them.  In reality, they might have wanted a break from you too, but just didn't want to say anything.  Inevitably, if you take sometime for yourself, or sometime with your spouse/partner, at some point, you'll be ready to get your kids back and get back into parenting mode.  When I hugged our kids after not having seen them in four days, I told them I enjoyed the time I was able to spend by myself, and the time I was able to spend with their mom, but I was glad that they were home.  They said that the missed me too, but only a little. They were just having too much fun.
       

"Everybody's going off the deep end."

*That was a very roundabout way to describe a stay-at-home parent.