Breakdown, It's All Right
Wow, it's been a while. I had a bit of time on my hands (or one hand) at the start of 2025 and found myself revisiting on my old blog posts. I've always enjoyed writing about my parental experiences and found the process cathartic on a certain level. Over the past three years a fleeting thought would occasionally cross my mind about returning to the activity, but I've lacked the time, or more so the energy to make the time, to bring it to fruition. Given the amount of time I spent re-reading, and somewhat narcissistically enjoying my posts, I figured I could probably find ample time to write a new one. If anything it would give me something to re-read if I found myself in a similar scenario in the future. I came to that conclusion in mid-January, and here we are at the beginning of August.
December 15th, 2024, I was out skiing at the local hill with our two youngest, who are now both double digits. It's a family activity we've continued to enjoy on occasion through the years, despite decreased snowfalls the last few winters and seemingly decreased enthusiasm for it from the kids. Given the chance they'd sit in front of a screen, like most kids, for essentially the entire day, not realizing that they were hungry, thirsty, needed to use the bathroom until the screen either died or some evil villain* took the cord away. Given enough coaxing and the coordination with ample friends for the kids to ski with, they can usually be persuaded though. Our youngest continues to require the most prodding, though he is also the only one in our family who has sustained an injury while skiing that required medical attention. I'm sure you can guess what comes next...
As unluck would have it, after 20+ years of "shreddin' the gnar" it was my turn to have a similar experience, ending up with a comparable injury (broken collarbone) at nearly an identical spot on the hill (bottom of the bunny hill). Of course the old man had to one up his son by ensuring that his injury would require surgery do to the "violent" nature of the crash (doctor's exact words). Eyewitness reports indicated that after hitting a berm (unexpectedly), I attempted to do a front flip but didn't quite make it. I guess better luck next year qualifying for the X Games.
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| "I'm not an orthopedic surgeon, but I don't think that thing is going to magically find it's way back to where it's supposed to be." - Kind & Patient Physician's Assistant at Urgent Care |
Undoubtedly my wife was less than thrilled to get a phone call from her semi-coherent husband (slight concussion likely involved) informing her that he was going to need a lift to the ER for immediate medical attention. Fortunately, we were skiing with a group of amazing people who were able to corral our kids and their equipment and ensure that they got home safely. They also rounded up my skis and poles which were scattered about the crime scene. Raising kids is so much easier with a village of people who are kind and caring. Even better when some of them happen to be trained medical professionals.
As someone who prides themself on being an independent and capable person, to be immediately reliant on others to do very basic human tasks was incredibly humbling and humanizing. While I tend to be a pretty patient person with others (though I feel like this has waned some), it's not always a grace I extend to myself. However, anyone who has had a significant injury knows that the easiest way to extend recovery time is to not allow yourself time to actually recover. Nevertheless, it put a lot of people out - my family and my coworkers in particular.
The timing of the injury just before the Holidays was less than ideal, as it added stress on to my amazing wife, who basically makes all of the Holiday Magic, while also ensuring that birthdays on and shortly thereafter do not get overlooked. My wife and I spent our 16th Wedding Anniversary at the hospital for my surgery, which made for one of the most memorable if not the most expensive anniversary date we've ever had. I was naked and unconscious at one point, which likely drew some parallels to our wedding night. True love realized.
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| My 16th Wedding Anniversary Present If you zoom in, you can see the threads on the screws! |
In my line of paid work, student behavior support, I often have conversations with kids about how our feelings are feelings, and they are not right or wrong. The injury, surgery and subsequent recovery invoked a whole host of feelings - physical pain, frustration, guilt, and helplessness; but also optimism and excitement about regaining my abilities. I tried to keep perspective while I navigated the process, a lesson that I feel as though I'm constantly trying to impart on my kids and the ones I work with at school. It sucked, it could have been worse, but it still sucked.
In our hectic and frenetic lives, I've always found myself appreciating snowstorms, or minor illness to a certain degree. When the circumstances are beyond our control, it can be refreshing to take a step back, slow down and limit your focus - shovel the driveway, take a bath, etc. As someone who often strives to make the most out of everyday, since it's the only "that particular day" you will ever have, a forced pump of the brakes can allow for some much needed introspection.
For the past few years as our kids have grown, my relationship with them has undoubtedly changed. As their need to depend on me for certain things has decreased, I've become more attuned to their desire, or lack thereof, to engage with me. While I'm happy they are developing into somewhat independent adolescents, who will hopefully someday be capable adults (not just adult sized children), I realize that I still have skin in the game as their father. I joke occasionally about "checking out of parenting" in certain situations (which at times feels more and more often), but I'm certainly not able to "retire" from parenting, nor should I expect that I ever will. This was made acutely aware to me when I FaceTimed my Mom a few days after my surgery. She broke down in tears sharing how helpless she felt knowing what I was going through as her almost 42 y/o son. That care and concern for our kids never disappears, even when they have a family and kids of their own.
So while my relationship with my kids, and my wife, were not broken like my collarbone by any means, it seemed like they could use a little repair. As the pace of our daily lives increases, we can often get into our own little worlds and only think about ourselves. I can easily find myself going through the motions while not feeling much emotion, or recognizing the emotions of those around me. I've done it before, and I'm sure I'll do it again - we can't keep perspective all the time. While you'd hope a major illness or injury or other life altering event wouldn't precipitate the reminder that the good things in our life require some ongoing maintenance, those situations often serve that role.
Ongoing relationship maintenance can take hefty doses of physical and emotional work, and it won't guarantee that your relationship won't face surgery worthy challenges. Hopefully though the recovery will be shorter given the work you have done to strengthen the relationship. Indeed as I was told by one of the doctors who evaluated me before surgery, the fact that I have taken a proactive approach to my own physical health would likely result in a better surgical outcome and shorten the recovery process. Dedicating time and energy to spend with your spouse or kids can be just as challenging as carving out time and finding motivation to exercise, but they both serve an important purpose.
Before we discharged from the hospital, I commented to the nurse that I was still experiencing a decent amount pain. One of the practitioners who was in on the surgery overheard this and stopped by to check on me. She mentioned that while the procedure had gone well, it was a pretty difficult "refraction" (whatever that means), so I could expect some noticeable pain in the days to come. While I wasn't excited to hear this, I was glad to know that I at least made them work for it.
I was also glad to know that despite it being a more challenging procedure, the surgeons didn't open me up just to say, "Nope, too hard" and sew me back up without trying to fix anything. We will all be faced with challenges in our lives, and many of them will stem from our relationships with others, particularly our loved ones. We can't avoid all of the bumps and berms that might lead to crashes of various sizes, and at times we might have to ask ourselves if the problems we face are fixable or not. It can certainly be easier if we have a supportive group of people around us, but we have to ensure that we work to nurture those relationships. Once we've made it through, we'll undoubtedly have scars. But those scars will remind us of what we overcame and who helped us along the way.
Post Script
Music References
*That's me. When it comes to regulating screen time, I've mostly resorted to taking power cords away from devices, or the actual device itself, and putting it in a place where only my 6' stature can access. This drives my wife nuts.
And the beat goes on….great read…glad you’re back
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