Running Down a Dream

He's Going the Distance

If you are an occasional reader of this blog or know me personally, you may know that I am not one to shy away from masochism.  About three years ago, I wrote about how four years prior to that I was in the midst of training for a marathon.  It was my second foray into such stupidity as I had barely finished my first seven years prior to that, and promptly swore I would never attempt another.  Well, the seven year itch struck again, and this past fall I found myself clicking the submit button on an online registration for a 50 mile endurance run.  Yep, I figured if I'd already finished two marathons, albeit seven years apart, the next logical thing to do would be to attempt to run almost two full marathons in one sitting (or standing, or mostly death marching as they call it in the ultra world).

Attempting an ultramarathon had been on my list of things to do for a while.  I originally thought I could just jump into a 100 miler (arguably the standard distance when someone mumbles "ultra"), but sensibly figured a 50 would be a good place to start.   Recognizing that I am certainly not getting "Younger Next Year" (despite the title of the most recent book I read) and given that our youngest started a few mornings of preschool this past fall, giving me about five hours of "free" training time during the week, I figured there was no time like the present.  I had also watched/read some pretty inspiring documentaries/books (listed at the bottom), which confirmed that I was sufficiently crazy enough to drop a couple of Benjamins on a race entry and all subsequent supplies.

As an avid runner for the past 21+ years, I've come to appreciate the act of running for the role it plays in my life.  I wouldn't say I love running, but I love the way I feel after a good run.  I love how it challenges me but allows me a certain amount of release at the same time.  Running has become as beneficial for my emotional health as it has for my physical health.  While I haven't always actively trained for a particular run or race, I've also found it important to carve out some time to run a few days a week.  It makes me a better person.  I also love how running long distances allows me (questionable) justification to eat whatever I want with relative reckless abandon.

Naturally, training for an ultramarathon took an excessive amount of time.  The five hours of kidless time each week obviously wasn't going to be a sufficient amount of training time, no matter how many "Low Mileage Ultramarathon Training Plans" I Googled.  In reality, the training wasn't significantly different than training for a marathon, with the exception of what is commonly referred to as the "block run".  This usually means instead of doing your typical long run once a week like you would for marathon training, you do that long run, and then do it again (or as much as you can handle) the next day.  The premise of the training is that you should never run the full amount of your ultra, but you should get pretty close over the course of two days.  Training for a marathon, and especially an ultra, becomes essentially a part time job, and you start to wonder what other things you could have been doing with that time.

It can certainly be hard to justify taking that amount of time to engage in any particular pursuit, especially if you have a family that is feeling the brunt of your training.  I knew though that the training would be temporary, and the run itself would eventually come and go.  As a good friend, and decorated ultrarunner counseled me, you have to make sure your family is on board, because the training will take a lot out of you, and it will dictate a big chunk of your life.  My wife, as you all know, is amazing and selfless and tolerates most of my bullshit, and the kids seemed rather apathetic to the notion of dad running excessive distances.  They actually learned during my training that it probably worked to their advantage, as my need to try and get in a midweek run often meant some quality time for them with their favorite babysitter - the television.  I found turning on the TV for them if I was going to spend some time on the treadmill was significantly easier to justify than most of the other reasons I turn the TV on for them - all of which revolve around my laziness.

 So after six months of pounding the pavement, and the trails (and the occasional dreadmill), I was excitedly anticipating the run while also looking forward to the end of my training.  I wrapped up my training with the longest run/jog/walk I'd ever completed in my life, all on muddy and snow covered trails and a third of it in relatively terrifying darkness, and was ready for my taper - which included four kidless days with my wife in New Orleans for a friend's wedding.  As the run itself approach, I did my best to stay busy by preparing race logistics and marveled at how a few consecutive days of not running was actually diminishing the constant soreness in my legs.  It felt like I was actually get the bounce back in my step.  Just as I was as ready to become a dad I was was going get on November, 19, 2010, I was as ready as I was going to get for a 50 mile run.

And then the Minnesota winter scoffed at all of us, and especially the 900+ runners who signed up for one of the Zumbro runs.  Comparable to 2018, which resulted in the cancellation of the 17 mile run of the Zumbro, an April blizzard descended onto most of the state of Minnesota, and the race directors, after much consideration and deliberation, made the decision to cancel all three of the Zumbro races (100, 50 & 17) out of concern for the runners and volunteers.  Six months of training, 500+ miles of running, millions of calories burned (and probably more consumed), and no actual race to run.  Obviously I was disappointed, but given that the weather was the cause of the cancellation, and not my decision to pull out because of injury or anxiety, made it a little easier to take.  The race director detailed the thoughtful and difficult decision to cancel the run in a lengthy email explanation, and we still got the race shirts, which I wore for a week straight*.

Of course I didn't feel like the training went to waste.  One of my biggest fears about getting old is losing the ability to engage in the pursuits that I love, or ones that I mildly enjoy and know are good for me.  The most recent book I read, Younger Next Year, stresses the importance of engaging in physical activity nearly every day if you want to live a good long and health life.  The authors see the art of aging as choosing to grow, by being vigilant about your health through exercise and healthy eating, or decay.  We can't stop the fact that we will get older, but we can continue to do the things we enjoyed doing in our younger years if we commit to actively pursuing a healthy lifestyle.

My kids have certainly added some extra motivation for trying to remain physically capable.  As they've gotten older, it has been fun to engage in some of the various recreational activities I really enjoy doing, and watching them starting to "get it".  It makes me excited for the time in the not so distant future; when we can play catch in the backyard, hit the tennis ball or play some one on one hoops at the courts, follow each other through the trees on the double black diamonds, etc.  Secretly, I have a (like unattainable) goal to always be BFS (bigger, faster stronger) than our kids.  And not just for a sense of vanity - I've long given up on any pursuit toward six pack abs (to my wife's chagrin).  But more out of a desire to hopefully always be able to keep up with them, and maybe push them a little.  I will obviously always be their "old man", but I don't necessarily have to play like one - at least when it comes to being active.

I've also discussed in the past what I think is an important part of modeling healthy behaviors, and how I feel it is important for my kids to see me doing things that I enjoy and at times struggle with.  I hope this shows them a small amount of hard work and dedication to things that they are passionate about and find joy in doing is most certainly worthwhile.  If they gravitate toward being runners (and I hope they do), or any of the other leisure pursuits I really enjoy (of which there are many), that's great.  But I will let them find their own path.  Should they ever want to run a marathon and need a pacer, I want to be ready and up for the task, no matter my age.  Now that our four year old recently learned how to ride his bike without training wheels, I'm already plotting routes for our family cross country bike trip (pedal bike).

So that is why I at times put my own body through the ringer - to try and stay healthy so I can keep up with the kids and hopefully live a long life, while also trying to model some healthy behaviors of engaging in things that I love.  I recognize that it takes some time and commitment, and that might mean spending a little less time with them to engage in the things that bring me joy.  But I figure if I take the time now to stay healthy and happy, I will hopefully have more time with them in the future, and more quality time when I can actively be a part of their lives and share in the pursuits that bring them joy.

Will I attempt another ultramarathon?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  After my race was cancelled, I realized that after all of my training, I was pretty certain I could have completed 50 miles.  It might not have been pretty, and I likely wouldn't have finished in the arbitrary time goal that I set for myself.  But just knowing that I could have willed myself through it was an accomplishment enough - not to forget about the number of miles I logged over the six months, or the fact that I actually completed a couple of ultramarathons during my training^.  For now I've been taking a little running break.  Enjoying some additional quality time with the family, and tamping down a little bit on the kids' screen time (just a little).

I believe that whenever we try to better ourselves - whether through improving our physical health, mental or emotional health, or even our financial health - those attempts are never in vain, no matter if we reach our intended goal or not.  We always learn something along the way, and for those of us who are parents, things we can pass along to our kids - hard work, perseverance, band-aids over the nipples, etc.  For our kids to see us try, and either succeed, fail or not be able to complete our goal due to extenuating circumstances, and observe how we respond to that outcome can be a powerful motivator for them.  It may encourage them to try and make their dreams be more than just dreams.

Picture taken immediately following Isla and my first ever daughter-father run. 
It was 2 mile glow run of which she ran almost half (impressive for a 4 y/o).
We walked a bit and I piggybacked her occasionally

*It's not uncommon for me to wear shirts, or other clothes for a week at a time.

^Technically, an "ultra" is considered anything longer than 26.2 miles.  During my training, I did 30 and 34 mile runs/walks/jogs/death marches - neither were glamorous, but I was at least able to walk the following day.                   

Inspirational Readings/Viewings on Ultrarunning & Other Nonsense

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Born To Run - Christopher McDougall

Eat and Run - Scott Jurek

Ultramarathon Man - Dean Karnazes

Mindful Running - Mackenzie L. Havey

My Year of Running Dangerously - Tom Foreman

What Doesn't Kill Us - Scott Carney


Film

"The Barkley's Marathon - The Race That Eats It's Young"

"The Barkely's Marathon - Where Dreams Go to Die"

"How To Run 100 Miles"

"Breaking 2"

"The Rise of the Sufferfests"

You Say It's Your Birthday?

After All My Plans, they Melt into the Sand

I made another trip around the sun a few weeks ago (actually, it was a month ago by now).  Staying in form with the other "monumental" days that have already passed this year in our house; our wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc., it was pretty low key.  It landed on a Thursday, which you may be aware is a "dance night" in our house this year.  It also happened to be "dance picture night", which added some extra chaos and required additional adult supervision throughout the evening.

Thus, my "birthday dinner" was self made* and enjoyed in the company of our Colombian teaching intern who is staying with us this year.  Two of our three kids where around, but they were relatively oblivious to the significance of the day, and had zero interest sitting at the table to watch us eat as they had already consumed their "fast food"^.  I at least made myself a steak (which is ironic because I'm not a huge steak-eater) and enjoyed a glass of red wine.

Growing up I always eagerly looked forward to my birthday.  I would usually have a hard time sleeping the night before, eagerly awaiting what gifts might be given that following morning in celebration of my birth.  I vividly remember a birthday growing up, maybe when I was 10 or so (okay, maybe not so vivid), when my whole family seemed to forget it was my birthday.  I remember being so upset, until they eventually surprised me with tickets to a Minnesota Timberwolves basketball game that evening.  I still look forward to my birthday.  As much as I would like to say it is just another day on the calendar, it certainly feels nice to be well wished and maybe pampered a little, even if just for a day.  Everyone deserves that on occasion.  Even you.

As we get older, we may naturally look at our birthdays with a certain amount of dread.  Recognizing that we are getting older, possibly at our nearing another milestone of old age, and that much closer to kicking the bucket.  Officially reaching the backside of my 30s, it is a salient concept for me.  The gray hairs are prominent, while the total amount of hair is thinning (on my head at least).  My body aches more, in more places, for inexplicable reasons.  Those facts of life don't always make us keen to want to celebrate.  

Something I really seemed to grasp (appreciate/accept) this year though, was the fact that my birthday isn't really about me anymore.  It's about taking stock of the existing presents in my life; my family and my friends, my health, my stunning good looks.  These are the things that make me look forward to having a birthday and celebrating another year of life.  It's certainly cliche to say, but the best gift I can receive on my birthday is the opportunity to continue to be apart of the lives of the people I love, especially my wife and kids.

For that gift to keep on giving year after year, I think you have to recognize that the giving of your love to the people you love returns love to you in greater quantities.  Most all of us feel good when we've done something nice for someone else.  I know I do.  For me, it is just easier to be kind of people, but it also makes me feel better when I'm kind.  And, I like to feel good.  Given that we've just celebrated Easter, if you follow Christian teachings, it doesn't seem coincidental that Jesus was both the happiest and most self sacrificing individual.  I'm guessing the same holds true for the major prophets/players in the other main religions.  

And this giving of ourselves to others, especially those who mean a lot to us, might actually helps ensure that we will have numerous birthdays to celebrate in the future.  Coincidentally,  I just finished reading the book, Younger Next Year by Chris Crowley and Dr. Harry Lodge.  While it focuses primarily on the things you need to do from a health and fitness standpoint to live a good long, and active life, the final chapters are dedicated to a person's emotional well being.  The authors, particularly the one with a medical degree, stress of the importance, especially in old age, of mattering to others.  Having connection and commitment to things beyond our own self interest strengthens our limbic brain, which typically corresponds with a longer span of life.  

A few years ago, a good friend and I sat a bar and questioned the reason why, as we aged, we had started to seemingly sabotage our own happiness by adding responsibilities to our lives like spouses, kids, houses, jobs, etc. (I had all four of these, he only had a job).  We observed that these things had a tendency to get in the way of what we typically lived in pursuit of during our younger years; namely, sex, drugs and rock and roll.  But as I exchanged emails with this same friend a few months, congratulating him on joining the Jerome Bettis club, he expressed his contentment with accepting the fact that we were no longer rockstars, and likely never were in the first place.

We get to that point in our lives, particularly when we become spouses and parents, when we realize that it's not all about us.  At least not all the time.  We see things in the broader context of our place as it relates the to world around us and particularly in relation to those who are closest to us.  We see how we can play a role in their happiness, even if that means sacrificing our own happiness from time to time.  I believe this is what the kids these days call "adulting".  When I had lunch with my Mom for her birthday a few weeks after my own, I shared with her that I now "got it".  I understood why she, and my Dad, were so quick to make things about my sister and I and not them, even their own birthdays.

So on my birthday, my family gave me the gift of being able to play a role in contributing to our collective familial happiness.  Which, on this specific birthday, meant staying out of the way.  It felt good to not add an unnecessary stress to and already stressful day by insisting that things be centered around me.  My family might have felt a little bad, or maybe just my wife, that my birthday seemed to go overlooked, but it was a perfect way to celebrate.  And my body, particularly my liver, felt incredibly better the following day.

Given the trajectory of our lives, the chance of my birthday next year being just as exciting as this year is pretty high.  Although, it is on a Saturday next year which might be on a dance competition weekend - then it might get really crazy.  But the chances of me having another birthday next year are pretty high (statistically speaking at least).  If celebrating my birthday every year means making the celebration more about others and less about me in order to ensure that I will have numerous birthdays to come, it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.  There will likely come a day again, when my birthday becomes all about me, even though I'd rather have it not be.  By that time, I'll be so old and senile I probably won't even remember that it actually is my birthday.

I'm pretty certain this was my birthday last year.

  

        

*When my wife mentioned to our 8 year old that she felt bad that I had to make my own birthday dinner, her response was; "But Mom, he likes making dinner."

^We don't eat a lot of traditional fast food in our house - McDonald's, etc.  We do eat on the run a lot though, and a friend once told me they refer to those meals in the vehicle consumed en route to something as "fast food".  I liked the term, so naturally hijacked it.

And Today Was a Day Just Like Any Other

Turn and Face the Strange

My wife and I had a kid-free night out in the big city a couple of weekends ago.  We went out for dinner, met up with some friends for cocktails, and enjoyed some live music.  We stayed up later than we should have and slept in (for us at least).  It had been a while since we had a chunk of kidless time together, and it was somewhat nostalgic of our days before offspring.  It wasn't even to mark any special occasion, the stars just aligned to get together with some friends, and the grandparents were clamoring for some quality "grandkiddo time".

Two days into 2019, my wife and I had our 10 year wedding anniversary.  To celebrate the occasion, we dropped one of our kids off at her dance class and convinced grandpa that his evening would be best spent hanging out with the other two - it didn't take too much convincing.  We savored that 90 minute kid-free session with dinner at a nondescript Mexican restaurant (we had gift cards) and passed on the margaritas (we were working on our beach bodies for an upcoming trip to Mexico).  When our 90 minutes were up, we picked up our daughter from dance class and returned to our originally scheduled programming.

As your marriage lengthens and kids (and other responsibilities) get added to the mix, stereo-typically designated "romantic occasions" have a tendency to become very less so.  If our 90 minutes out to commemorate our 10 year anniversary seemed a little lack luster, it was monumental in comparison to what we did for Valentine's Day.  Which was nothing.  In fact, we had actually both being recovering from some minor ailments (stomach bug, head cold), so the very thought of doing anything mildly romantic seemed somewhat repulsive at the time.  Plus Thursday nights are tough.  It's a dance night (one of them).

Like February 14th, January 2nd is a day on the calendar.  For my wife and I it holds special significance as our wedding anniversary.  But for everyone else who didn't get married on that day or have a birthday on that day^, it's just another day on the calendar.  Which, thanks to the Romans, in 2019 - 10 years after my wife and I said "I Do" - happened to be a Wednesday.  Naturally neither of us had the foresight to consider what day of the week our "monumental" anniversaries might fall on in the future when we picked a date for our wedding.  Given that we selected a day in January in Minnesota, obviously shows how much thought we put into the decision. 

 
My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and while the love we share today is exactly the same as the love we shared when we said our vows, it is also very different.  That is the case because we've changed as individuals over these past 10 years, as has our family dynamic and the nature of our relationship.  While we are the same people who stood holding hands trying to recite our vows while holding back tears (one of us at least), the experiences that we have had as a couple, and now as a family have changed the way we love each other, and the life that we've made together.

I was reminded of this during the parenthetically aforementioned trip to Mexico that we saved our margaritas for.  We went for my sister-in-law's wedding, where, for five days, we lapped the life of all inclusive luxury, and were able to be apart of one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever experienced.  Given that it was their aunt getting married, the kids came with, and considering that it was January, and we were escaping sub-zero temps in Minnesota (only to return to those continual sub-zero temps), it was an unforgettable experience.

It was also quite different than our last trip to a beach resort in Mexico, for a number of reasons.  And for those reasons alone, it was an absolutely incredible trip.  Of course we were looking forward to a break from winter, soaking up the sun, and enjoying a few poolside cocktails.  But that wasn't the focal point of this trip.  The focal point was celebrating my sister-in-law and her husband, while being able to spend quality time with my wife's family and making some unique memories with our kids.  Lounging all day by the pool, sipping bottomless margaritas, clubbing at Senor Frogs until the wee hours of the morning, and sleeping past noon were very far down on the to-do list, if on it at all.

As I listened to the bride and groom exchange incredibly personal and heartfelt vows during a beautiful ceremony overlooking the the Cabo San Lucas marina, I couldn't take my eyes off of my wife.  She looked as stunningly beautiful as she always does standing by her sister's side.  Of course they both looked stunning, but naturally I'm biased (sorry Mel).  We've talked at times, usually in jest, about renewing our vows, and while they would be quite different ten years later, they would still be very similar.  Partly because I have absolutely no recollection of what those vows actually were.

In our ten years of marriage our relationship has changed as we've changed as people and our family has grown to encompass our children.  Some of the passion and excitement has certainly faded, but it has been supplemented with other feelings and emotions.  Our love might look different in its nuts and bolts than it did ten years ago, or twenty years ago when we first verbally expressed those feelings to another (for the record, I said it first).  But that love is still rooted in a deep commitment and respect for one another, that recognizes a place and time for each of those emotions.  It is, to borrow a line from Macklemore, the "same love".

A wedding is an amazing celebration of two people, their love, and their future together.  But everyday in a marriage can't be a wedding.  Every trip to Mexico, or other exotic location, won't always feel like a honeymoon.  Every anniversary can't always involve wine, chocolate fondue and rose petals on the bed - even the big ones that seem like they should.  But that is life, and the fact that those momentous occasions don't happen every day helps to understand their importance, but also put them into perspective.  For they are days, albeit big ones, in the journey of our life and the relationships that are built.  Those days are important, but so is every other day and moment in between.

As we get older (wiser/more mature?), I think it becomes easier for us to understand (rationalize?) this.  We learn how to experience love and express love in the smallest of things that happen on a daily basis.  The things I love about my wife now might seem different on the surface, but I love those things for the same reasons I loved other things about her when I asked her to marry me.  Her presence in my life, along with our kids, brings me unparalleled amounts of joy and happiness (and at times frustration).  But my life is still unquestionably better with her, and them, apart of it, no matter the circumstances.

When we learn to find love in those everyday, in between moments, our capacity for love increases.  It has to.  For we are not waiting for those "special occasions"; anniversaries, birthdays, administrative professionals day, to express our love or allow ourselves to experience love from others.  True, it is easy for those moments to go over looked, as it is an irony that the more we tend to be loved, the more we can overlook that love.   At times we need those refreshers; an anniversary, or a "Hallmark Holiday".  For me, weddings always seem to serve as a helpful reminder of the love I felt for my wife on our wedding day, and how I can do a better job of expressing that love on a daily basis.

But given the option of feeling consistent and constant love on a daily basis, or only "feeling the love" when the big days come around, I think most of us would choose the former.  We all express love in our own unique way, and to make a relationship last, we have to find the way that works for us and the one we love.  It's not based on the way other couples love each other, although it can be helpful to understand what you admire about other people's love and try to emulate it in your own relationship.  But we all change over time, as will those around us, which will impact those relationships that we've made.  If we embrace those changes, and look for the good things that those changes bring about, those relationships will continue to grow in love.

One of the couples we were able to get together with during our adult night out has had very different marital experience than my wife and I.  For a variety of reasons, they do not, and I'm guessing won't have any kids.  They both are very successful in their professions, which require significant time and energy commitments.  They love to travel, as we do, and we were listening with envy as they recounted some experiences from a trip they took a Greece a few years ago (somewhere my wife and I are hoping to go for a anniversary trip this coming fall).  The owner of the hotel in which they stayed would often exclaim to them, "This is life!"  Our friend was pretty certain he meant to say, "This is the life!", but something got lost in translation.  But in my mind, the saying fits.  "The life" is what you make of "life".  At times it will definitely feel more like "the life" than others, but it will always be life.     

Cabo 2019

Puerto Vallarta 2010
(The precursor to this family business)

 




^Since the Mexican restaurant we went to gives you a free dinner on your birthday, it was actually a pretty hopping place.

This Family's on Fire

#fiveonfire

I started working on this post in (early) November, but given the craziness of this time of year, naturally just got around to finishing it.  Along with the start of the Holiday season, November begins birthday season in our house, with our oldest and my wife celebrate birthdays just before Thanksgiving.  On the same day, in case you weren't aware.  The festivities continue into December with our other two kids celebrating birthdays right in the midst of other holidays taking place.  

This year, November was extra special in our house because it happened to be a "bonus paycheck month", something my wife and I look forward to excitedly considering how much we geek out about personal finance.  Oh, and November was also Movember or No Shave November, which gave me an excuse to be additionally lazy and not shave.  And then subsequently do this to my facial hair.

My sister made a $210 donation to the Movember Foundation
so I could look like this until December 21st. 
Aren't older siblings great!?!

Bonus paycheck month was a phenomenon we became aware of when we started working jobs that provided us steady paychecks (or direct deposits) every two weeks.  Despite being anal retentive when it comes to tracking our finances, we had overlooked the fact that while we typically budget by the month, there are 26 biweekly pay periods in a year (52/2 for those who struggled in math class).  Overlaid over twelve months, which typically just have two paydays, we realized that two months of out every year would actually have three paydays that we neglected to figure into our monthly accounting.  Hence us affectionately titling them as "bonus paycheck months".  At first it felt a little like landing on Free Parking in Monopoly.

When I "retired" more than four years ago, the financial piece of our life puzzle obviously received a lot of review.  Whenever we (likely all of us) question whether we are able to do something that will significantly impact our lives - take a trip, buy a house, quit our jobs etc. - the most common question is if we can afford it, financially speaking.  When I decided to leave my paid employment to stay home with the kids, a number of people pointing out the savings of not having kids in daycare.  Fortunately, I had a financially lucrative enough job where working, even with three kids in daycare, would have been a net positive for our bottom line.  Thus deciding to stay home with the kids made us examine how we could scale back some of our other expenses to make it feasible.

Like probably 101% of the rest of the working world, my wife and I are eagerly looking forward to the day when we can actually retire.  And not in the way that I commonly utilize the term.  Like a number of other working professionals in their mid-30s, we've become increasingly intrigued by the FIRE Movement, which stands for Financial Independence, Retire Early (for those who don't follow the numerous FIRE blogs).  The concept can take on a number of different looks, but the underlying premise is to get to a point, preferably sooner than later, when you have amassed a savings where the annual rate of return would cover your annual living expenses.  This makes you financially independent from paid employment and you can choose to work if you'd like, but aren't dependent on a paycheck to cover your day to day operating budget.  To reach this magic savings number, more or less those numbers people carried around in that ING Commercial, you can increase your earnings, decrease your expenses or a combination of both.  Hit that magic number, and you're considered "on FIRE", just like draining three straight shots in NBA Jam.

While the FIRE Movement has become a more recent phenomenon, and is particularly popular with a certain subset of Millenials (kids these days....), the concept is certainly not novel, and the "FIRE Movement Bible", Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin, was originally published in 1992.  In the book, Robin views our relationship with money as ongoing transactions of our life energy.  When we work, we are exchanging our life energy for the compensation that we receive for doing that job (and, as Robin notes, likely not accurately accounting for all of the other things that go into our job that also take our life energy).  When we use the money we are trading the life energy for the product or service that we purchase.

If you find yourself adhering, or attempt to adhere to the FIRE Movement, a natural phenomenon is an intense scrutiny of your finances.  In her book, Robin encourages those interested in reaching an early Financial Independence to track every single cent that goes in and out.  This provides a basis for which you can better understand how much money you earn, where that money all goes, and how you can make the appropriate changes to reach FI (financial independence) as soon as possible.  It's a daunting task, and can seem downright insurmountable if you are in the midst of raising children and continually assaulted by the child-rearing industrial complex that begins during pregnancy, continues from infancy, and exacerbates into emerging adulthood - a development phase that seems to get longer and longer.

Most parents are familiar with the oft-cited statistic that it costs on average north of $250,000 to raise a child from birth to age 18, not including any educational expenses.  In reality, barring any major medical expenses, raising a child can cost as much or as little as you want it to.  But it will certainly cost at least something - that $250k figure is considered basically the essentials; food, shelter, clothing, etc.  Some FIers, like one of my personal favorites who sports facial hair to compliment his financial blog name, suggest waiting to start a family until you reach financial independence.  If you are hoping to raise your kid(s) on the more cost effective side (a polite way of saying cheaply), it will take some intense and constant push back against the normative culture of conspicuous consumption that is constantly among us, and shines particularly bright this time of year.  And not necessarily in a good way.

As a free willed adult, bucking the "earn, spend, repeat" cycle isn't too hard to do, if its something you think will be beneficial to your general well being.  My own personal foray into the world of frugality, voluntary simplicity, minimalism, forced poverty, whatever you want to call it, stemmed heavily from my semester abroad in college.  Having amazing experiences while living out of a backpack, cycling the same few material items on a daily basis, helped me realize that there is much more to life than the acculturation of stuff.  I returned from that semester vowing to avoid owning anything nice enough that someone would want to steal.  As I've transitioned to parenthood, this notion seems in line with the idea of not being able to have nice things because your kids will inevitably break them or color on them with permanent marker - like our middle child just did to the back seat of our van a few weeks ago.

Explaining a radical concept like this to kids though, or trying to help them understand why the adult figures in their life are so obsessed with maximizing the personal value of their expenditures, provides its own unique opportunities and challenges.  Adolescence is essentially defined by comparing yourself to others, and a bulk of those comparisons revolve around socio-economic status.  Even though most kids (and probably a fair number of adults) likely have a hard time defining what "socio-economic status" is, they can certain recognize who wears the brand name clothes, whose parent drives the new car, and who lives in the biggest house, while consequently assigning values of coolness and popularity based on those observations.  The notion of defining your self worth in comparison to others grows with us into adulthood and sets the stage for the struggle of "Keeping up with the Jones" or the Kardashians, or whatever the last name is of the family everyone you know seems to materially aspire to.

The underlying concept of Financial Independence, as per Robin and other FI advocates, is to establish a better relationship with money.  One where your money works for you, as opposed to you working for your money at a job that sucks more of your life energy than you are willing to give.  While the FIRE movement might have the words Retire Early in the acronym, the notion is to really allow us the financial freedom to expend our life energy however we feel most satisfying.  This might be working a traditional job, it might be volunteering, it might be sitting on a beach drinking Mai-Tais if you so choose.  While sitting on a beach enjoying cold beverage sounds like an ideal retirement, and really wouldn't require a lot of savings to sustain, most people would recognize that you can only do that for so long.

For my wife and I, one of our main impetuses for trying to reach an "earlier-than-we-originally-expected" financial independence is to have more flexibility to make memories and build relationships with our kids, each other, and those who are meaningful to us.  While we were certainly not financially independent when I "retired", it was a similar thought process.  Adjusting our financial needs to allow us to live the life we wanted to live, while continuing to plan for the future who hoped to have.  We are incredibly fortunate that my wife's compensation allows us to live a more than comfortable lifestyle while also considering a concept like early financial independence.  We could take a much more aggressive approach to catching FIRE, and we personally know others who have, but we've consciously made decisions to live well within our means while also placing value on what is important to us as a family.  Hopefully hashtags will still be a thing when we finally do get to use the clever one my wife thought up, which serves as the subtitle of this post.  

In striving for financial independence, I hope that we are modeling a healthy relationship with money for our kids.  Helping them to establish an early pattern of saving, and sharing, what they earn (through chores or lost teeth) and consciously thinking about every purchase they make and how it impacts their financial future.  We're not reviewing profit and loss spreadsheets or making them understand the components of compound interest (yet, at least), but we try to be open about our finances, and money in general, as much as we can to hopefully help them understand its finite-ness, as well as the positive and negatives that come along with earning it and spending it.  As challenging as it is for adults to grasp the notion of delayed gratification, especially given that the average American carries approximately $6,000 of credit card debt, I hope our kids develop healthy financial habits early in life that will continue into adulthood - and likely make them less financially dependent on us when they are out our their own.

I recognize that one of the main reasons we as a family can even consider a concept like an "earlier than stereotypical financial independence" is that both my wife and I were blessed to have parents who worked hard to provide for their families, while subsequently modeling healthy financial behavior.  Anyone can achieve financial independence (and hopefully all of us do at some point in our lives), but we certainly started in a much better place than those who struggle to cover the essentials - food, shelter, etc.  Neither of us came from particularly wealthy families, but our parents worked hard to provide what they could, while laying a framework for us to be better off economically than they were if we followed their examples of hard work.  They clipped coupons and patched up our clothes.  They saved for us to pursue educational opportunities that would allow us to find gainful employment. They sacrificed so that we could have the chance at a better life than they did.  This privilege is certainly not lost on us, and it's a particularly salient point for me, as my parents are closing in their own retirement dates at the end of this month after 40+ years of working to provide for my sister and me.

For those who were not provided that same level of privilege during their formative years, the thought of socking a bunch of money into a tax-advantaged investment account with hopes of an early retirement can seem comparable to proposing a trip to Mars.  I believe that our inability as a society as whole to live within our means, and the collective cultural desire to consume more perpetuates the wealth inequality that currently exists and continues to increase.  If we can't identify when we have too much, we likely can't identify when we have enough.  And because we never feel like we have enough, it leaves others trying to scrape by considerably less than enough.  We fail to recognize the needs of others because we are too consumed with the pursuit of getting what we think we need or deserve, based on what the advertisements and social media posts tell us.  This creates the conundrum posited by one of my favorite late 20th century philosophers, Tyler Durdin, "we work jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need."

It's not a proposition I'm too interested in entertaining, and not something I would wish upon my kids either.  Nor do I desire that our kids become "entitlemaniacs" that expect toys with every trip to the store, or excessive numbers of presents at every birthday and holiday.  Not that getting your kid a gift for their birthday or Christmas is going to turn them into a self-centered narcissist, but if we want our kids to become caring and empathetic individuals, who are more likely to succeed in life, we at times need to exercise some restraint.  And often the best of intentions can lead to the unintended of consequences.  Sure it can be challenging to ignore the constant whine for something a kid desires, be it a new toy, candy, or more screen time, but if you've ever shuttered inside while observing your child flip through a toy catalog and point out what they want, which happens to be everything in the catalog, there is no time like the present.  It's okay to say no to your kids.  I'm guessing your parents said no to you, a lot.  For some odd reason, this concept often becomes lost on grandparents.  

I recently saw a social media post that chastised parents who bought their kids elaborate gifts from Santa - iPads, ponies, etc.  By doing this, the author of the post argued it created a sense of inadequacy in those kids whose families did not have the means to give those gifts, much less make them seem like they came from "the big fat man with the long white beard".  Hard for a well behaved kid who comes from a family below the poverty line to comprehend not getting the iPad he asked for from St. Nick when his "top tax bracket AGI and in the principal's office every other day" classmate got a new one to replace the one that was in his stocking last year.  Attempting to level the Santa Gift Playing field is a noble endeavor - maybe we should require a $20 gift limit like the office Christmas Party White Elephant gift exchange.  Another option though, would be to raise kids who don't make exorbitant requests to a fictional senior citizen who is supposedly able to deliver gifts to the 1.9 billion good girls and boys of the world.  Of course we could always come clean come clean on the whole Santa business. It may seem a bit cruel, but is it much crueler than Santa "bringing" some kid from the Naughty List a pony and a kid on the Nice list a pair of socks?   

     

Add "Hey Santa, we've been really good this year. 
Can you bring us a 25% return on our the family index fund?"

Now, if you are one of the (few) regular readers of this blog, you might be getting ready to throw out your hypocrisy flag.  Dude, didn't you take your kids on a trip to one of the most expensive countries in the world this past summer.  And aren't your girls involved in one of the more financially committal after school activities.  You are 100% correct, and the dance thing I struggle to rationalize at times.  But trying to become Financially Independent is not about doing everything humanly possible to not spend money.  It's not about dumpster diving or going around to everyone else's table at a restaurant and asking if you can take their leftovers home.  It is about making conscious efforts to reserve your financial resources predominately on what you believe adds value to your life.  It's also about preserving the resources that you have in effort to not be wasteful, while considering how fortunate you are to have basic necessities; food, water, shelter, that others wish for dearly on a daily basis.  

Pursuing financial independence doesn't require extreme deprivation now so you can achieve a certain state of nirvana when you finally catch FIRE.  In fact for Christmas this year, we opted to purchase a family ski pass to our local ski hill as our main present to the kids (and ourselves).  In the end it will undoubtedly be more expensive than purchasing them a variety of toys and clothes, especially factoring in the number of hot chocolates we will inevitably purchase throughout the season.  But it was a purchase we felt comfortable making, knowing that the memories we make as a family will beyond exceed the cost of the pass.  And hopefully not yield any subsequent ER visits.  

My wife and I have commented that not much will likely change with our lifestyle when we reach financial independence, despite our ability to have more time to do those things we really love.  We've already make conscious efforts to integrate those things into our life, and have taken the necessary steps to make them as feasible as possible.  As the adage goes, if you are waiting for retirement to do "all the things", the likelihood of you actually doing them upon retirement are pretty slim.  For this reason, we often conflate what we actually think we might need to reach financial independence and free ourselves from the burdens of needing to work for a paycheck.  Also for this reason, I have zero qualms ponying up $500/kid to take them on a worthwhile family adventure, but might think twice before springing for a new $15 backpack each school year.

You best enjoy that turkey and cheese croissant courtesy of Delta Airlines.
Food in Iceland is expensive.

Like most things, financial independence or actively seeking financial independence isn't for everybody.  Although, I have a hard time believing that statement myself.  I think we would all enjoy having a certain level of financial independence, but fewer than all of us are interested in taking the necessary steps to actually achieve it.  And some of us have gotten so steeped in the conspicuous consumption culture, that we've come to terms with the fact that we will spend the bulk of our living years working to sustain that lifestyle.  The sad irony is making that choice tends to lead to a life filled with an excessive amount of stress.  Stress about never having enough money to cover all of the expenses.  Stress that comes with having too much stuff in your possession which creates too much clutter in your life.  Stress about never having enough time because you are busy working a job to cover the various expenses that come among with those possessions that are likely adding stress and clutter to your life.  I may not get out much these days, but I've never met someone who has consciously decided to live with less who seems on edge about life.     

It's little wonder why this time of year, where we often spend excessive amounts of time fretting over the perfect gift for that special someone or that perfect outfit for that important holiday party, tends to be equally the most wonderful and stressful time of the the year.  Yes, I used that exact phrase before, and will undoubtedly use it again next year in a post.  But we all know that it doesn't have to be that way, and we all know what the true reason for the season is, even if our collective actions tend to indicate otherwise.  Of course a certain amount of stress is to be expected around the holidays, and the concept of overcoming that stress can feel rewarding in its own way.  But if you are stressed out about what to get your kids for Christmas, if you get them anything at all*, consider pondering this question;  "If money wasn't an issue, what would I get them for a gift?"  Sure the answer might be abstract and likely unattainable, but that will guide you in the decision making process.  If money wasn't an issue, I'm guessing a bulk of us wouldn't buy our kids what we will inevitably end up buying them.  It seems crazily counter-intuitive that we would buy these things with a limited budget, just for the sake of them having something to open on Christmas morn.   

If you are looking for gift tips that might skew more to FIRE Mentality, you are welcome to revisit my post from two years ago.  You certainly don't need to get me anything, but if you would like to, you peek at my SAHD Christmas List from a few years ago.  Four years later everything is still very relevant.  But seriously no material gifts necessary.  Peace on earth and goodwill toward women and men is more than enough.

And now my gift for you, as if my meandering preaching wasn't enough.  If you are at all interested in more concrete concepts of FIRE or financial independence, or just interested in trying to simply your life (which typically results in a healthier financial situation), here are a few recommended resources:   

Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin - essentially the FIRE Bible, and complementary website to bring it to the 21st Century.  Philosophical and practical advice all wrapped into one

Voluntary Simplicity by Duane Elgin - this book was my personal introduction to the voluntary simplicity/minimalism movement, which is very congruent with a FIRE Mentality.  Pretty heady, but lots of practical advice and nuggets of wisdom from those who have chosen to live with less.

The Minimalists - Two guys who made an award winning documentary, wrote a couple of books, and host a podcast about their journey into Minimalism and advocate for a simpler life.

Meet the Frugalwoods - Another great book (and blog) about a couple's journey to Financial Independence.  The book is a great read with thoughtful and honest insight.

The New Frugality - A book by one of my favorite public radio economics editors.  It provides a very useful overview of how to become smarter with your finances without needing a CPA.

Mr. Money Mustache - A great and humorous blog from a guy (and his family) who achieved early financial independence in somewhat typical FI fashion - well paying job, aggressive savings and investment.  Very candid and explores a number of well thought out topics that can help make sense of FI, how to get there and how to life a good life once you do.  


*Kudos to you if you do a buy nothing Christmas.  We're not there yet, but someday hopefully.  #firegoals

Me Too, Part 2

I was always planning to follow up on my Me Too post from last year.  After some review, I realized I didn't offer up much, if any, advice on what we can do, especially us parents/dads, to stop sexual harassment and assault.  Heavy on condemnation, light on suggestion.  Given the current events and public discourse over the most recent appointment to the Supreme Court, now seemed like an appropriate time to revisit the topic.  I'm going to try to avoid getting overtly political.  Most of you probably know that I have a tendency to lean relatively far left, so I certainly have some profound philosophical disagreements with the Honorable Judge Kavanaugh.  But having taken a number of Poly Sci courses, I respect the various branches of government for what they are, and recognize that a President with whom I have philosophical disagreements with is likely going to appoint a judge I'm not too excited about.

What I am going to touch on though are some ruminations that I've had as I've watched the nomination circus take place, as well as things I pondered before the circus even came to town.  I can't even pretend to imagine that I am an expert on the topic, but here are some strategies that I try to incorporate into my approach to dealing with the topic of sexual harassment and assault, and some things I hope to do as my kids get older.  As with everything I write about, take it or leave it for what it's worth.

1. Not Sexually Harassing or Assaulting anyone, regardless of their gender.  This is obviously the most important, and should seem to be the easiest, but as I mentioned in my previous post, we're not always aware, especially us guys, of what constitutes harassment or assault.  We can take Peter White's advice, but sometimes we get tunnel vision - especially if we're sporting beer goggles.  Which is why number 2 is essentially just as important. 

2. Calling out harassment and assault when you see it and intervening when necessary.  Again, should seem obvious, as long as we know how to identify it when it is taking place.  When talking about our dress code at work with my old employees, I used to suggest that if they weren't sure if something was appropriate to wear to work, it probably wasn't.  I think the same can be true with harassment and assault - if it looks like it might be, it probably is.  Once you identify that certain rhetoric or actions are unwelcome, calling it out and stepping in to stop it is certainly a whole other process. 

After watching Burger King's surprisingly good PSA on bullying, I think my new approach to intervening with any type of altercation is to assume that what is taking place is actually staged for research purposes, with hidden cameras planted to watch my response, or lack thereof.  Odds are it likely won't be, but it could be, and nobody really wants to be caught on camera being the complicit bystander.  If anything, I figure my annoying curiosity of where the hidden cameras are placed could hopefully put a halt to any unwanted harassment or potential assault.

3. Talk to your kids.  I'm definitely not looking forward to the sex talk with my kids.  But it's an inevitable part of parenthood.  I think you can start discussing adult topics in non-adult ways to introduce the idea at a young age, and hopefully make it easier to bring up later.  While I was finishing up my previous piece on the topic, and my kids were yelling at me to get them a snack, I mentioned that I was writing something about being respectful to people (it was a subtle jab that they obviously didn't get).  I then told my almost three year old son that he especially had to be respectful of girls.  And I left it at that.  Of course he didn't get it, but I figure the sooner I can start driving that point home, the sooner we can discuss the bigger issue.  It may not be a fun topic to discuss with your kids, but it is incredibly important.  As Peggy Orenstein elaborates on in her book, Girls and Sex, if parents aren't having those conversations with their kids, then they will turn to their peers and the media, not the best places you want teenagers learning about sexuality in my opinion.  

4. Allow/Encourage your kids to have friends of the opposite gender.  Studies have shown that kids who have opposite gender friends learn better problem solving and communication.  Having opposite gender friends also helps develop more empathy and respect for the other gender.  According to Tony Porter, co-founder of a Call to Men, boys are less likely to see women as sexual conquests when they have friends who are girls.           

5. Be in charge of what they are exposed to.  You are the parent, and you have the right to make decisions of what your kids are exposed to.  If you think something advances stereotypical gender roles, and you don't feel comfortable with your kid being exposed to it, then don't expose them to it.  Whether that be; Disney Movies, NFL Football Cheerleaders, Victoria Secret magazines*, whatever.  It's obviously not feasible to keep them in a bubble, and you wouldn't want to do it anyway, but there is little incentive to actively exposing them to it.  They will see it sooner or later anyway, but you don't have to force feed it to them.  Just make sure you are ready to have the conversation about it when they ultimately do get exposed to it.

6. Let them play with, and how, they want to play, but encourage them to have diverse experiences.  If my son wants to play with dolls, paint his nails, take a dance class, I will be more than happy to let him.  Likewise, if either of my daughters want to operate power tools, go hunting or play football, I will let them.  Well, okay, not the latter two, some of you may know my opinion on guns and football.  But you get my point.  I'm not going to chastise my kids for playing with, or playing in a way that is typically affiliated with the opposite gender.  I would rather allow them to embrace what their passion is, than try to stifle that passion by sending the message that "boys/girls don't do this/that".  While letting them embrace their interests and passions, I would also encourage them to develop understanding of other's passions.

The Hjalli nursery schools in Iceland have been getting some press recently for their radical ways of educating boys and girls by compensating for gender differences - naturally some negative and some positive.  Opponents tend to argue that separating genders and forcing them to work on developing skills that are typically more dominant in the opposite gender are unnatural.  But having two young kids that are learning to read, that process seems pretty unnatural as well, and I don't think we'd want to go back to world with excessive illiteracy.  If we view empathy and respect as skills worth learning, then they need to be cultivated and honed through practice.  We can let our kids play with what they want, but we should also show them that there are other things that they can play with, and maybe they might really like playing with those things if they tried.  I think this is especially true when it comes to items that tend to fit our current gender stereotypes.  Which segues nicely to the next point.       

7. Let them wear what they want (for the most part).  I've commented before that I'm usually just happy when my kids are dressed.  Period.  Preferably plus or minus one season.  If what they are wearing matches, or makes them look "cute" by the Gap Baby standard, fine.  But honestly, my main concern is mostly clothed kids.  Our 3 y/o son used to wear pink crocs.  They were his sisters' old shoes and he could put them on himself.  That was what matter most to me, not that they were a color that was typically associated with girls clothing.  As I've mentioned before, our kids are going to find out, sooner rather than later (they already are starting to) what constitutes "stylish" as defined by our society, and how what we wear projects our status, or lack thereof. 

I'm not interested in telling my kids what goes and what looks cute (primarily because I have no fashion sense myself) and what are boys clothes and what are girls clothes.  Especially not if they are already dressed, and any attempt to get them into something that is more "social acceptable" requires hostage-like negotiations or a Greco-Roman wrestling match.  Of course there are times to deviate from this principle, and you have the authority to exercise parental veto over what they are wearing (or not wearing) based on appropriateness.  I'm also not suggesting that you force your son to wear pink tutus, or your daughter for that matter if she doesn't want to.  But the point being to avoid trying to label clothing and styles and colors in gendered ways and projecting definitions of beauty and social acceptability that are typically rather arbitrary.

8. Show affection to my kids, and especially my son.  I've commented to people before that one benefit of having daughters first was that I think it has helped me become a more affectionate father, especially when it comes to interacting with my son.  Having had four years to cuddle little baby and toddler girls, it didn't feel any different to cuddle our son, even though he was a boy.  Even now that he's approaching his fourth birthday, I'm just as likely to give him a hug and a kiss on the check as I am our older two girls.  He maybe even appreciates the affection more than his almost 8 going on 18 oldest sister does.  I recently read that no amount of affection that your show your newborn can be considered too much.  As they get older, this obviously wanes with their general attitude toward your outward displays of affection to them becoming less enthusiastic.  But it's important to set that base, as I think that models healthy and beneficial affection. 

Human beings are social animals, and we crave that affection, and may even need it for our survival.  As the Boss suggests, "just a little of that human touch."  If we don't show healthy affection to our kids, and especially our sons, at a young age, can we expect them to reciprocate that healthy affection to others as they get older.  Does it seem disturbingly correlative that we have a tendency to see boys as "tougher" and in need of less affection, when they also commit violence, especially sexual violence, at much higher rates than girls?  While any excessive awkward hugs and "I love yous" I give to my son might not prevent him from ever committing an act of sexual violence, I'm guessing it probably won't increase the risk.



So those are just a few of my strategies for how I've going to try and raise my kids and approach the topic of sexual harassment and violence.  I'm certain they are not fail-safe ideas, and there are likely other strategies that can be used as well.  As I mentioned in my piece on firearms, I hope my kids are never victims of gun violence, but if I had to choose, I'd rather have them be victims than perpetrators.  I think the same can be true when it comes to sexual harassment and violence.  And unfortunately, at some point, given that 25-30% of women report being victims of sexual assault or attempted assault and 80% of women report having been sexually harassed, my daughters will likely be affected by this first hand.  But for only as much as I can do to try and ensure that might kids are never the victims, there is much more that I can do to try and ensure that they are never the perpetrators.  And if we all took that approach as parents, then maybe we could be less worried about our kids becoming the victims.

Since Kavanaugh      

During the confirmation hearings for Judge Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Lindsay Graham (a conservative who I have actually found myself admiring from time to time) stated that he thought the Supreme Court Nomination process would be drastically different after this most recent nominating process.  He said history would look at things before Kavanaugh and after Kavanaugh given how divisive the process was.  Most of my thoughts above were ideas that have been in my head before it was even know that President Trump would have another Supreme Court vacancy to fill.  But since that process started, some additional things have come to mind as I've followed the events and discourse of various people.  Things below might take on a little more of a political bent, so you are welcome to tune out if you'd like.  But I do think they merit some airing, so if you want to read on, please do so by all means.

During the nomination process, and following the allegations of sexual assault toward Judge Kavanaugh, the President often made the claim that Kavanaugh was considered, "guilty until proven innocent."  Presumably this meant in the court of public opinion, which tends to be the case when high profile claims like these are made.  I thought about this notion of "guilty until proven innocent" and decided this couldn't possibly be the case, as Kavanaugh was never charged with any crime or incarcerated without an opportunity to post any bond.  His case may have been litigated in the public sphere, and in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, but he was never handcuffed and forced to wear prison issued clothing (like Paul Manafort was) and appear before a judge and jury.  This is what typically happens when people are charged of crimes, and seems to challenge our judicial standard that someone is actually "innocent until proven guilty."

The other claim often made by the President, other Republican lawmakers and conservative commentators is that Judge Kavanaugh's "life has been ruined and reputation tarnished" by these allegations, which they believe to false (or mostly false).  But as the lawyer for one of Kavanaugh's accusers, Christine Blasey Ford, pointed out, her allegations were made to inform the nominating process, not stop it.  And ultimately Judge Kavanaugh was appointed to the Supreme Court, so he got what he wanted.  Yes, it maybe took more convincing and combativeness, but to say that his life is ruined or that his reputation is tarnished seems a little drastic.  As far as I can tell, his family still loves him, and the President that appointed him and the Senators who confirmed him still seem to have confidence in his judicial ability.

Of course, Saturday Night Life addressed the topic of the Kavanaugh confirmation in its Saturday night episode.  One thing that caught me from the satirical recreation of the Senate Republican's locker room victory party was Cecily Strong's portrayal of Maine Senator Susan Collins, and her comment that "It's important to believe women, until it's time to stop."  Strong's portrayal of Collins underscored a sentiment I've developed since the Me Too movement started but without the comma.  Every time I hear of an accusation of sexual assault or harassment, especially toward women, I find myself believe the accuser, whether those allegations turn out to be factual or not.  We've become so accustom to hearing about sexual assault and harassment, and given the fact that about 90% of sexual assault claims end up being true, I've found I have little reason to doubt a woman who claims she was sexually harassed or assaulted.

Yes, there are certainly false allegations, and I'm not trying to make a judgement on who I think is telling the truth between Judge Kavanaugh and his accusers.  What I am saying is that based on statistics and societal precedent, I have little reason to doubt his accusers.  Thus I am going to believe the women until it's time to stop.  Until our society alters its behavior and attitude toward sexual violence in way that doesn't make it seem like sexual assault and harassment is the norm, since it currently is for the vast majority of women.  And maybe that is part of the reason Judge Kavanaugh has defended his innocence so vigorously, because despite none of us being there in those moments, history has shown us that it is very plausible that he did sexually assault his accusers.  It would be great if we didn't have that conception, but until sexual assault and harassment becomes considerably less prevalent, a notion of "guilty until proven innocent", especially in the court of public opinion will likely prevail, and may not be such a bad thing.

One more comment that caught my attention in the past week was Donald Trump Jr.'s remark that in the current environment he is more worried about sons than he is his daughters.  At first I found his statement to be rather preposterous, but then I realized that his sentiment is completely understandable given his life experience.  I suppose he could be worried that his sons would be victims of sexual violence, as males can certainly be victims as well.  Or maybe he is worried that his sons will someday commit an act of sexual harassment or violence, and he will have to reckon with that as a father.  I'm guessing though that his worry is rooted in the notion that his sons might be falsely accused of sexual assault or violence (which we've already established happens in approximately 10% of cases).

I can certainly understand his worry.  He's worried that his sons won't be able to grow up in the patriarchal society that he's lived in, where men can objectify, harass and assault women with little recourse.  He's worried that his sons will grow up in a world where its not acceptable to speak openly about being able to sexually assault women just because you are famous (I can see why he would be particularly concerned about this, as he's probably certain his sons are going to be famous).  And maybe it's okay for us to be worried about our sons at this point, seeing as we've been worried about our daughters since the beginning of time.  The Hebrews, the Greeks, the Romans - sexual assault, especially toward women (but they certainly liked their young boys too), has been a part of world history basically since evolution or creation or whatever you want to identify as the start of mankind.  Maybe it is finally time for us to worry about our sons, since we've always worried about our daughters.  We've told our daughters, and other females who are not our daughters; to never leave your drink unattended, carry mace and a rape whistle, dress less provocatively, go to the bathroom in groups, be vigilant because any man could be a rapist.  We've told our sons to be nice to others, and maybe girls in particular, and just hoped for the best.  Not considering that those rapists are someone's sons, if not our own.

So while Donald Jr. is worrying about his sons, I'll worry about his daughters, and my daughters, and his fiancee and his ex-wife^; along with every other female I consider a friend or family member.  I'll worry about them until we become a society that gives me reason to not have to worry about them.  Of course I'll worry about my son too.  Doing everything I can to ensure that he develops respect for all humans, and especially women, won't guarantee that he never become a perpetrator of sexual violence.  But while rates of sexual violence have fallen by nearly 50% in the last 15 years, I think we can all agree that it is still too prevalent.  Especially when we hear Me Too stories from our family and friends.  We can worry all we want, but worrying about it won't fix it, and it certainly won't make it go away, which is another thing I think we can all agree would be a good thing.                     

                     

*I've never quite understood the rationale of why Victoria Secret models seductively pose in attempt to sell women's undergarments to women.  Oh wait, are they trying to create a standard of what constitutes a sexy woman, which I suppose would typically be defined by male standards, so women will purchase their product so they can also be sexy, in the eyes of men?  I guess I do get it now, thanks for letting me think that through.

^I do genuinely believe that Donald Trump Jr. is worried for his daughters and the other women in his life, if his comment seemed to suggest otherwise.